Don’t Tell Mom, The Babysitter Will Probably End Up Dead

Ti West’s The House of the Devil is the new darling of the horror community which meant I was hesitant to watch and review it because a) many others have already done so and b) my expectations are rarely met (I’m sorry Trick ‘r Treat. I really like you but can we just be friends?). Hearing such mountainous heaps of praise from nearly every blog and podcast I respect left me no choice.

I had to enter The House of the Devil.

Quick Plot: College student Sam (Jocelin Donahue) is about to rent an adorable two bedroom home, mostly to escape germs and her promiscuous roommate’s date nights. Unfortunately, she suffers the condition shared by many coeds by not really having much in the bank. To earn a few bucks, Sam answers the mysterious ad for a baby$itter posted on a campus corkboard.

After much hesitation, girlfriend chatting, and pizza not-eating, Sam accepts the job. BFF Megan (Greta Gerwig) drives her to the secluded home of Mr. and Mrs. Ullman where things are, not surprisingly, not quite what they seem. 

They’re weiiiiiiiiiiird. You should know you’re in trouble when Tom Noonan, that 10’ tall enigma of fine thespianhood with genre cred, opens the door with painful politeness and far too much gratitude. Plus, Mrs. Ullman (the fine Mary Woronov) wears fur and the local pizza guy is more polite than a Jehovah’s Witness on a Saturday morning. I’ll cease any more detail on plot to protect the House of the virgins, but honestly, most of the story ends just about there anyway.

Other stuff happens, but The House of the Devil succeeds--and yes, it truly does--based on atmosphere. West clearly went to great lengths to ground everything about The House of the Devil in that golden age of creepiness known as the late ‘70s to early ‘80s, when Satan made more cameos than Christopher Walken. From the high-waisted jeans to grainy cinematography, every second onscreen is a new form of retro.

Also, it’s a damn scary movie, providing you accept a film primarily built on the oft used term, rarely mastered format, ‘slow burn.’ There are a lot of viewers--solid genre fans among them--who will say The House of the Devil doesn’t work, and they’re not necessarily wrong. Like The Haunting, Rosemary’s Baby, or even The Others, The House of the Devil is more about atmospheric buildup than blood (which is not to say there is none; a few fantastic practical effects practically drip goo off the screen). It might pull you in. It might not.

It got me, and I’m extremely happy that it did. The Ullmans are creepy, also quietly polite in a way that makes you believe Sam would accept their mysterious job. The actual house is a classic example of haunted gothic, made all the more eerie by the impending lunar eclipse. While we as an audience long to pull Sam’s flip-out bangs out of a situation that simply HAS to be wrong, Donahue does a perfect job at conveying smart caution mixed with simple monetary need. Like us, she enters the house sensing something off, then slowly lets her guard down as the jump scares prove groundless. By the time hell really starts burning, it’s incredibly jarring because we’ve already survived countless ups and downs. The payoff might seem a little too quick, but that’s only because we’ve had so much fun getting nervous with an hour’s worth of carefully constructed tension.

High Points

Gold stars to the whole cast, from Donahue for centering the story to Gerwig adding sassy and believable humor and the perfectly pitched Noonan and Woronov for being the definition of eery awesome

Guns are generally not that interesting on camera, but The House of the Devil finds several ways to make them truly frightening

Low Points

Um. I’m coming up short. If there’s any fault in the seamless direction of The House of the Devil, it shows somewhere in the bloody finale, which is simply not quite as stand-out as the masterful buildup.

Lessons Learned

Massachusetts is home to really awful pizza

Hard candy from old people is always gross, even when said elderly are Satanists

Don’t smoke. Seriously. Just don’t.

Rent/Bury/Buy

Every fan of the horror genre should give The House of the Devil a fair chance, but I do fully expect a vocal portion to find this an underwhelming and boring film. However, if you’re tired of self-aware slasher satires and just want an old fashioned spooky flick, this is a definite watch and, once proven, a solid purchase. The DVD includes some featurettes and an informative filmmaker and crew commentary (which, considering the skill at work, is a great investment for those interested in the technical side of filmmaking). Playful performances, masterful atmosphere, and an energetic throwback spirit makes it something truly special.

Water Water Everywhere But Not a Drop To Drink

The Crazies is a perfectly passable horror movie.

But it’s not nearly as frightening as The Blind Side.

Sigh. I’ll get to what I’m declaring The Most Racist Movie To Ever Probably Win An Oscar in another day or so (it’s horrific, hence I’m reviewing it) but for now, here’s Breck Eisner’s decent, if uninspired spin on George Romero’s imperfect (yet perfectly loved by me) 1973 non-zombie zombie-esque film.

Quick Plot: In an idyllic Iowan town where the sun beams and stars twinkle, a high school baseball game is interrupted by the reformed Town Drunk stumbling into right field with a shotgun. Town Sheriff David Dutton (Timothy Olyphant, forever holder of a free movie pass following his way-better-than-it-had-to-be performance in A Perfect Getaway) saves the day by blowing his face off. This seems to upset School Principal, but David’s understanding (and expectant) wife/Town Doctor Judy (Silent Hill’s Radha Mitchell) and loyal Deputy Russell (The Ruins’ brokeback Joe Anderson) are there for support. Town Historian, Local Undertaker, and Mayor don’t comment, although Local Farming Family soon follows the opening disaster with another tragic fate.

Two things you’ve probably noticed from my review:

1. In terms of the cast, there’s a fair amount of modern horror cred (The Signal’s Justin Welborn and Friday the 13th: Part XII’s Danielle Panabraker round it out)
2. Just about every character is quite easily defined by Sesame Street's Who Are The People In Your Neighborhood style professions.

If you’ve seen George Romero’s flawed, but weirdly effective original, you know the basic hook. A biological weapon has been accidentally released on the sweet hamlet of Ogdan Nash--I mean, Ogden Marsh--and its major downside is that it drives the general population violently--and occasionally, giddily--bonkers. The government quickly swoops in to stabilize the situation, but anyone that’s ever seen a movie knows that a civil employee in a HAZMAT suit brings less good vibes than a Red Sox fan at Yankee Stadium.

Chaos quickly ensues as the townspeople are rounded up by menacing soldiers. Where the original soared in these messy moments of government order failing to hold up in rec centers and school gyms, 30+ years later, these scenes are standard to almost any contamination zombie flick. Eisner offers nothing new in that department, although a moment of suspense involving a pitchfork and a gurney is a decent thrill. 

Where The Crazies works best is, surprisingly, in a few more pointed and quiet moments of actual human emotion. Even hardened city folk such as yours truly can’t help but be charmed by some of Ogden Marsh’s sunshine, making the eerily empty streets lined with mom ‘n pop shops slightly poignant. At one point, Judy and David approach the perfect home where they were going to build a family, now having seen their neighbors tear each other to pieces in the school their child would have eventually attended. That in itself is horrific, as is the slow realization that one of the more likable characters is infected.

It’s strange that I would find those smaller beats so much more interesting than, say, night shots of Crazies climbing over government guarded fences. Perhaps it’s a testament to the solid cast and surprisingly strong script in contrast to the uninspired direction of Eisner, but the actual attacks are simply kind of trite. A car wash ambush is filled with tension, but like the characters, we can’t really see a thing going on and therefore have very little sense of what the danger actually is. 

I realize this review is taking a very negative turn, which is unfortunate because I liked this movie. It’s fine. Well-acted. Pretty landscape. Some neat violence. Appropriately downbeat when it needs to be. Adequate in every way, and even fairly respectful in nodding to the original while being a thing of its own. I just wish “its own” meant that, and not like every other slick remake made in the past ten years. I dare you to not think about some of the more visceral thrills of Alexander Aja’s Hills Have Eyes during much of The Crazies’ action sequences. I double dare you to be nearly as impressed.

High Points

A quietly eerie cameo from Lynn Lowry provides a knowing, but not annoying wink to fans of the original

Part of the messiness of Romero’s original comes from the lack of focus in storyline, as it volleys between the civilian heroes and the government trying in vain to solve the problem. One of the remake’s best decisions is to view all the action from David and Judy’s point of view. All we know about the Trixie virus is filtered through the bits of intel from randomly stopped soldiers, keeping the audience as in the dark as our desperate characters

Low Points

While Eisner proves his competence behind the camera, all of the close combat action sequences are either terribly staged or dreadfully edited. The first major fight between David and a buzz-saw wielding Crazy is intense, but there’s no sense of where the two men fighting hand-to-hand are in relation to each other, something not helped by speed-of-light cuts. Similarly, a moment where Judy hides in a closet with corpses lacks any suspense since we have no idea how the closet is laid out. When a very tall and assumedly strong Crazy opens the door to look for life, we see a shot of him, rather than his point of view. It’s a ridiculous moment when even we don’t know where he should be looking.

One shoot-the-guy-just-before-he-kills-a-protagonist scene is a relief. Three is pushing it.

Lessons Learned

Iowa weather is a mystery. You can wear a winter coat on a sunny afternoon only to take a dip in a swimming pool ten minutes later

Town Sheriff never pays for coffee

“Wait here” are two of the stupidest words you can say to a loved one when martial law is in effect and psychotic super strong humanoids are on the hunt

It takes a really long time to strangle a man to death (although, as A Perfect Getaway proved, Lord Olyphant is really hard to kill)

See/Skip/Sneak In

As theatrical horror remakes in 2010 go, The Crazies is perfectly adequate, much along the same lines as another remake of an imperfect, but important 1970s film Last House On the Left. Those sensitive to jump scares may have a great time, while others who prefer the strange madness of the original (like the uber creepy scene where Day of the Dead’s Dr. Frankenstein puts the moves on his own daughter) will find the film lacking in anything memorable. To endorse R-rated horror, give it your matinee money. Otherwise, slip in after something better or wait for the sure to be “unrated” DVD (meaning, as is standard for the ‘00s editions, filled with four extra minutes of exposition and eleven seconds of additional CGI blood). 

Academy Awards, The Way They Were Meant to Be

As much as they break my heart every year, I can' help but be an Oscar junkie. The forced smiles of generosity stinging the heavily made-up faces of the losers. Women tripping on dresses that cost more than most of the films nominated in the Best Screenplay category. A young starlet proving that either a) reading from a teleprompter is hard or b) she's illiterate. Jack Nicholson patiently waiting for the party to end and boozin' to start. The inevitable obituary montage complete with applause-o-meter, only slightly more tasteful than the typically garish musical numbers that try to force choreography on.

Yup, I love 'em, but you know what would make me love them more? If instead of this Vera...

We got this one:

Sadly, she never had a chance for Joshua, nor her fine work beating up a little girl in Orphan. Unless, of course, we're talking Doll House Oscars , where we judge the current Academy nominees the right way: based on the past genre films.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS 

Penelope Cruz

Vera Farmiga

Maggie Gyllenhaal 

Anna Kendrick

Mo'Nique

The easiest Oscar race, providing you're using the genre film formula. Mo'Nique may have played one of the most hatable villains of the year in Precious, but what else is on her resume? Half Past Dead with Steven Seagal? Should we just assume it's the same as Hard to Kill or On Deadly Ground without Alaska? Blah. Maggie Gyllenhaal doesn't fare much better, as the closest she comes to horror is being the subtle object of desire to her brother--real and fictional--in the sci-fi-ish Donnie Darko (although that is admittedly creepy, particularly if you have a fear of oversized bunnies or incest).Penelope Cruz tries to borrow some Oscar luck from Halle Berry in Gothika, but apparently some of that Catwoman charm dripped over because the movie is messier than Garfield's litterbox following a lasagna bender. Having not yet subjected myself to the Twilight series, I refuse to instantly damn the name of star Anna Kendrick, but her only other credit comes from an episode of NBC's fear itself, so meh. But let's face it: not one of these woman can hold an ice pick to Vera Farmiga, now mother to not one, but TWO genuinely evil cinematic preteens. Any woman who birthed the sociopathic piano prodigy Joshua is not to be trifled with, something she further proved by going head to head with evil Esther in the movie she SHOULD have been nominated for, Orphan. That’s right, I’ll say what you’re all thinking.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR

Matt Damon

Woody Harrelson

Christopher Plummer

Stanley Tucci

Christoph Waltz

I’m almost tempted to throw out all other criteria and just give my firstborn cat to Christoph Waltz, but that implies overlooking Christopher Plummer’s contributions to the horror genre, namely a straight-to-video Canadian slasher called The Clown At Midnight. The sight of Captain Von Trapp dressed like Pagliacci on a murder spree in an opera house trumps even a twinkie hunting zombie fighter Woody Harrenlson, Talented Mr. Damon, and Monkey Shining Tucci. Hamlet with a clown nose? That my friends, is a bingo.

BEST ACTRESS

Sandra Bullock

Helen Mirren

Carey Mulligan

Meryl Streep

Gabourey Sidibe

Perhaps the weakest selection on the ballot, as not one of these admittedly talented---if cursed with bad agents--actresses have any genuine genre films of note to their name. You could stretch the idea of Precious to call it a certain form of urban horror, but that's something of a cheat and by something, I mean total. Similarly, the ingenue Carey Mulligan needs an education in genre choices, since aside from what I assume to be a hard-boiled British mystery movie based on an Agatha Christie tale (I assume this because IMDB credits the title as Agatha Christie Marple: The Sittaford Mystery), she's got nothing. Sandra Bullock's 28 Days is often confused for another little film, but contrary to The Office's Pam and probably many a video renter without sharp reading skills, there are no infected cannibals to be found in the rehab center. For that alone, we'll discount any other genre cred she may have tepidly earned for The Net or, dear me, The Vanishing.  That leaves us with two of the classiest dames in pictures, neither of whom  really has a genuine horror to claim. Helen Mirren danced for Malcolm McDowell’s Caligula and cursed King Arthur in John Boorman’s fantastically dark Excalibur, while Meryl Streep racks up the deeply black comedy points for Death Becomes Her (an actual Oscar winner!…for special effects) and She-Devil. I suppose Streep wins an extra point for earning legendary (to us horror fans) director Wes Craven with a nod for Music of the Heart, besting Mirren and the most awesome child death of all time in Caligula, but it’s a lackluster win. I guess this really was a bad year for women in the movies after all.

BEST ACTOR

Jeff Bridges

George Clooney

Colin Firth

Morgan Freeman

Jeremy Renner

 

Now I love The Dude more than a White Russian made with skim milk, but Jeff Bridges, I regret to inform you that your fine work in such classics as TRON and, um, movies like King Kong and The Vanishing simply don’t come close to some of the contributions from your competition. George Clooney once shook his ebony curls all over the ‘80s in both Return to Horror High, and, far more impressive than any bloody scone eaten by Colin Firth, Return of the Killer Tomatoes! Note the lack of exclamation point in Pride & Prejudice, thank you. Morgan Freeman gets a solid vote for his grizzled Detective Sommerset in Se7en, but you’d have to be a vegetarian cannibal gone loopy from anorexia to compare anyone to Jeremy Renner. Not only did the Current It Boy play a believably likable military hero in 28 Weeks Later, he also crawled under many a skin with his creepily spot-on work as the titular villain Dahmer. Hand him the statue please (just fill it with chocolate rather than...you know).

So non-Academy member readers, any predictions on who should take home the fake genre earned gold?

Origin Story

Every wonder how and when the Doll's House was born? See, when a writer really loves--wait. I forgot. You'll need to take this permission slip home first and obtain a parent or guardian signature. In the meantime, the esteemed Iloz Zoc (code name John Cozzoli) has chosen to profile lil ol' me over at his ridiculously fine (and well-punctuated) blog, Zombos' Closet of Horror. This is part of a weekly series that spotlights horror bloggers, and I'm honored to be a part of it, and not just because I'm a raging narcissist pent on spreading my history throughout the Interwebs.

Now you're probably thinking, I've read about Emily's childhood fears already, so what more do you need? Well let's face it: I've always been something of a mystery.

I've been meaning to get that thing removed

Or not at all, but I still go into a little more detail this week about exactly why I started blogging, what inspired me not just to watch more of the movies I'd been enjoying my whole life, but to actually do something productive other than barrage bored friends with zombie survival scenarios. Head here to learn a few more fun facts and as a measure of good faith that that's exactly what you're going to do, here's a more suggestive photo of me and some oregano.

It totally made sense at the time.

Mill Creek Madness!

Back in November, I vowed to take on Mill Creek’s 50 packs to deliver full disc reviews every month.

I lied.

Not intentionally, of course. I never wanted to break my promise, particularly when I later declared it my  New Year’s resolution (screw weight loss!). It's just that I'm a really bad person.

Apologies aside, today marks the triumphant return to my Mill Creek project as we tackle the Tales of Terror 50 Pack and it's electrifying Disc 5.

Side A

1. War of the Robots, aka Reactor, Robots, Stratostars (I dare you to say the last one ten times)

Warp Speed Plot: Somebody decides to cash in on the success of Star Wars with laziness, spandex, and a convoluted plot involving space travel and sexual harassment in the workplace. That sounds far more awesome than the film, which is notable solely for the decision to dress evil henchmen with blond pageboy haircuts.

Celebrity Cred: Antonio Sabato. And lightsabers. Make of that what you will.

Verdict: This should have been tacky goodness to the extreme, but War of the Robots ultimately felt like a neverending story akin to space purgatory. It’s colorful and has moments of laughable joy, but to actually devote its 99 minute running time is something that should only be done when punishing small children.

2. Hands of Steel, aka Fists of Steel, Atomic Cyborg, Arms of Steel, Return of the Terminator

Warp Speed Plot: In the near future, truck stops remain happening joints and the government is investing most of our tax money into creating cyborgs based on Sylvester Stallone’s lead in Over the Top. Paco (Daniel Greene) is its best experiment and has been dispatched to assassinate a scientist. Cursed with a moment of conscience slip, he leaves the would-be victim alive and heads to a dingy rent-by-the-hour bar and motel where nightly arm wrestling matches take place. Shootouts happen, trucks crash, and I keep giggling.

Celebrity Cred: John Saxon snarls and George Eastman sweats, all under the restrained directorial watch of one Sergio Martino. What more do you need?

Verdict: This is the kind of ridiculously amazing extravaganza that makes these 50 packs worth that $15 price tag. Over the top action, non sequitur dialogue, and simple cinematic gluttony (arm wrestling is fun; arm wrestling where the loser’s arm releases a poisonous viper=awesome) make Hands of Steel simply smashing. I was inspired to watch this film after the Gentlemen’s Guide to Midnite Cinema (a podcast you all should be listening to) gave it one of the most entertaining discussions I’ve heard in some time. This is by not means a great movie, except that it is. 

Side B

1. One Frightened Night

Warp Speed Plot: An elderly millionaire decides to split his vast estate amongst a random assortment of soon-to-be murder suspects, all because the only person he’s ever really cared about is his MIA granddaughter. Naturally, the long-lost young lady returns home just in time for the signing of the will, but things get rather complicated (we’re talking jowls shake as the camera zooms in complicated) when a second woman shows up claiming the same identity. Oh oh, but complication reigns SUPREME when the first lucky lady gets murdered and one night of mystery gets rolling.

Celebrity Cred: Charley Grapewin, better known as Uncle Henry in a little film about a girl from Kansas who isn’t afraid of scarecrows or little people.

Verdict: At just 66 minutes long, One Frightened Night is decent enough for background entertainment when cleaning or toaster or doing your taxes (note to self: do your taxes). Fans of old timey whodunits might enjoy this early mystery, but others will probably prefer a more stirring round of Clue.

2. Vampire’s Night Orgy, aka Grave Desires, Orgy of the Vampires, and the more grammatically correct Vampires' Night Orgy

Warp Speed Plot: A random assortment of dull travelers end up stuck in a quaint little village clearly run by a cult of lazily sensuous vampires who really like Shakespeare and hospitality. People die and orgies don’t happen.

Celebrity Cred: Jack Taylor. No, I don’t know who he is either, but IMDB credits him as “Priest” in Conan the Barbarian, so he must be awesome.

Verdict: I enjoyed this one for tis occasionally cheeky humor and amazing overuse of complicated translations in dubbing. It definitely lacks the all-out trashiness the title suggests, but anyone who gets a kick out of poorly transported vampire films might have some fun. If not, just flip over the disc and rewatch Hands of Steel.

Cumulative Lessons Learned

You’ll never own a man until you control his heart

In the 1930s, nights were capable of being frightened

Surprisingly enough, Snuggies will be popular amongst space emperors sometime in the distant future

Asking “No, please don’t do that” will not stop raiders from tearing your shit apart

Your bus driver dying at the wheel is a disagreeable situation

If you’re blond and the female protagonist in a 1980s film, there’s a more than likely chance your name is Linda

If you’re blond and somewhat attractive in a a 1970s Italian vampire film, there’s a more than likely chance that every single male character will hit on you

The meat of a human leg is quite tender

Lastly, when costume designing a film set in space, think realllllllly hard about how plastic hair wigs will age 30 years later