It's a Long Process

 

I love South Korean horror films. I just wish every one wasn't always a good 20 minutes longer than it needs to be.

Quick Plot: Shamans Hwa-rim and Bong-gil are very good at their jobs, but when a wealthy family hires them to help their haunted baby, they need some backup. Hwa-rim calls in acclaimed geomancer Kim Sang-deok and his trusty mortician Yeong-geun to locate the family patriarch's grave and move the body to a consecrated location. 

With bad rain, the group decides to wait out the reburial in a nearby and nearly empty monastery. As they rest up after a wild ritual and satisfying noodle dinner, Yeong-geun's local contact decides to do some grave robbing. Naturally, a very angry, very large demon gets released in the process.

There's a lot more that happens in Exhuma, mostly because this movie is 150+ minutes long. I had been hearing good things about the film but couldn't quite fathom the day where I summoned that time block, so it felt mandatory to watch it when I ended up on a plane with a more robust selection of in-flight entertainment. I had nowhere to go.

I'll say about Exhuma what I said last year about Searching, but for very different reasons: this is indeed the perfect plane movie. Searching worked in that way because it was intended to feel like the POV of a laptop. For Exhuma, it's simply the best way to force yourself to sit down for nearly three hours and commit to one story.

This isn't to say Exhuma drags. It's more that it simply feels like too much movie. We shift so many times, from cool millenial shamans to Japanese colonial ghosts to suicidal hauntees and so much more. As three separate 45-minute films, Exhuma is deeply enjoyable. But when assembled together, it doesn't feel epic in scale...just very long. 

High Points

I love a mixed-generation genre film, and one of Exhuma's strengths is how the very cool and young Kim Go-eun and the retirement-ready Choi Min-sik play off each other. It's more complex than a father/daughter-ish dynamic, as they represent different eras and angles on how to manage the supernatural. To watch how they work together on it is genuinely fascinating

Low Points

For a movie this long (TWO AND A HALF FULL HOURS) it feels especially frustrating to leave the fate of a character up in the air. Our poor unlucky gravedigger who encounters the human-headed snake and comes down with a debilitating, I don't know, ghost sickness, is last seen struggling to breathe in a dank apartment. The fact that we never return to him or learn of his fate feels either lazy or kind of disrespectful, as if a working class character doesn't need resolution

Lessons Learned

Eerie days call for hot soup

A fox at a gravesite is an ominous sign

No high floor hotel should ever allow for human-sized windows

Rent/Bury/Buy

Exhuma is not a movie I'll go back to, but I'm glad I watched it. It's GOOD, not great, and if sprawling Korean ghost stories interest you, then I can't recommend it enough. But if you see that running time and wince, I can't argue that it justifies taking up that much of your time. Then again, if you happen to be flying cross-country, it's an easy way to keep you busy in between tiny bags of pretzels. 

Presidential Inception

 

I'm sure there's some kind of essay to be written on Dennis Quaid going from trying to prevent a Ronald Reagan stand-in from starting a nuclear war to, 20 years later, playing Ronald Reagan, but we'll leave that for another time. Peacock is streaming 1984's Dreamscape. Let's go.

Quick Plot: Dr. Novotny is running a successful series of studies on dream immersion, sending psychics into patients' REM cycles to help identify underlying problems in their lives. It's great for curing impotency, but Novotny's aims are peanuts compared to government agent Bob Blair, who sees this new technology as a means of far greater things. 

Since Blair is played by Max Von Sydow, you can be pretty sure such things are not exactly related to world peace.

Enter Alex Gardner (Quaid), a former psychic prodigy turned loan shark-owing gambler. Novotny brings Alex back to help develop his studies. While there, Alex falls for Dr. Jane DeVries (Kate Capshaw), a woman who could do a lot better than a jerk who sneaks into her dreams to have sex with her without consent. But it's 1984, they're both attractive, so we move on to them uniting to save the world.

See, there's a very important man having nightmares: the President of the United States. He's plagued with visions of a nuclear wasteland, which worries Blair, who would rather not see his country move to disarmament. Blair's plan is to send his pet psychic Tommy into the President's dream for a sleepy assassination. Alex has some warning from horror novelist Charlie Prince (Norm!) but as bodies begin to pile up, it's clear the only way to save the world is to do some inception.

Dreamscape is a fun little sci-fi horror dripping with its time. The script has multiple writers credited, including Chuck Russell, who would go on to use quite a few small touches from this film into the beloved Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors. Director Joseph Ruben was never a stranger to oddness in genre cinema: this is the man who turned a kidnapping film into an alien invasion in The Forgotten, and who I think about every day for the last 30 years because he's responsible for the absolutely bonkers The Good Son. 

We do not talk nearly enough about The Good Son.

Dreamscape doesn't quite reach those heights (and literally, because REMEMBER HOW THIS MOVIE ENDS?)

Sorry, it's hard to ever focus on something that isn't The Good Son when talking adjacently about The Good Son.

AS I WAS SAYING, Dreamscape is neat. It feels of its time in catching that late '70s/early '80s psychological experimental era of The Brood and The Fury, but with more electric music that even bridges the upcoming early '90s with some sexy saxophone magic. Plus, there's even some timely nuclear war politics! Quaid shows the charisma that would make him a star. Capshaw is smart and sexy. The dreams are just weird enough to feel like dreams. It's a good time. 

High Points

By golly this is a good cast

Low Points

Aforementioned ickiness regarding the fuzzy sexual assault question and resolution

Lessons Learned

The best way to get a cad to do something is to invoke the IRS

In our dreams, we're often very racist

The easiest shorthand to imply 'unhinged psychopath' is simply casting David Patrick Kelly

Rent/Bury/Buy

Dreamscape is quite fun. Sure, the visual dream language is basically a karaoke music video filmed in 1992 eastern Europe, but there's a lot to enjoy here. I watched via Peacock, which did occasionally have a weird bug happening where at least two scenes weren't transferring correctly. Not sure if that was simply my connection, but I figured it was worth a warning.

It's Really Coming Down Out There

 

It's never a good thing to watch a horror movie and wonder if the Hallmark Christmas version would be better, but when a film comes loaded with a Hallmark-ready title and Lifetime-budget CGI, it's inevitable. 

Quick Plot: Five college pals head to rich daddy's boy River's remote cabin for a New Year's celebration. As the alcohol flows, the snow comes down hard, quickly trapping them inside and shutting down the power. With no cell service, things look grim.

Thankfully (or not), med student Eden has a big old brain loaded with tricks about how to survive hypothermia. Apparently, such a process is far less fun than death. 

There's no more drinking, sleeping, Twizzlers, or fresh snowcones to be had. Instead, the group must battle their own psyches and paranoia amid the rampant hallucinations that come with, well, no sleeping or Twizzlers. 

It's a good idea for a low budget horror movie, and make no mistake: despite literal phoned (well, Zoomed)-in cameos by Patrick Fabian and hey! Hallmark favorite Jonathan Bennett, Snow Falls is not an expensive film. There's a CGI snowman that makes me wonder if both late '90s incarnations of Jack Frost were ahead of their time. Digital snow that makes Tubi originals look fancy. And so on. 

Written, directed, and co-starring Colton Tran, Snow Falls has the benefit of streaming on Amazon Prime, where I've recently watched some pretty insufferable horror movies from this decade. This one is pretty far from being what anyone would call good, but it feels less offensive than some of its peers. 

The main downside of Snow Falls is that it lacks a certain spark. The first scene suggests we're in for a batch of obnoxious young people who complain about things like seat belts, but quickly, they become less awful and more dull. We've got shy good boy River (The Passenger's Johnny Berchtold), fit Kit (played by Tran), hypochondriac Em, and her boyfriend Andy (whose main defining trait is "boyfriend"). Eden stands out for her medical knowledge and backstory involving a recently deceased mom, the latter of which seems like it's intended to go somewhere spooky or heartfelt and simply...doesn't. 

The setup of Snow Falls gives plenty of opportunity for surprise, but unfortunately, that only seems to work on its characters. The audience is always aware that any moment of hope is a hallucination. That gets old fast, even in just 80 minutes.

High Points

You know what? I learned a lot about hypothermia! That's useful!

Low Points

An 80 minute educational video about hypothermia may have been more suspenseful

Lessons Learned

When you have 11K followers, people expect to hear from you

To survive hypothermia, you have to be very, very lame

There's always a very sharp piece of furniture when tensions rise

Rent/Bury/Buy

Snow Falls is far from the worst little thriller you'll find on Prime, but it's still hard to summon any real reason to recommend it. 

You Gotta Have Faith

 

There are few worse conversations to be stuck in than the ones with people whose opinions you share, but who are incredibly obnoxious about making sure everyone around you knows why those opinions are so right.

Now let's make that conversation take 111 minutes.

Quick Plot: Mormon missionaries Sister Barnes and Sister Paxton are out and about on a chilly late afternoon to spread the word. Sister Barnes is a bit more experienced, having made several conversions even though (or perhaps because) she carries some emotional weight that led her to this faith. Eager Sister Paxton is all smiles and hope, and both tactics seem like they might work on their new target: Mr. Reed.

Played by a bespectacled and warm sweater-wearing Hugh Grant, Mr. Reed lives in an unusual house surrounded by trees and built with metal walls, the better to block your cell phone signal with. He teases the girls with the scent of blueberry pie being baked by his shy wife, then welcomes their stories of Joseph Smith with a little too much curiosity. 

What follows is a sort of theology debate that Jigsaw might have had in his freshman college year. Mr. Reed first lectures the girls on the similarities between Christianity, Islam, and Judaism, embarking on a very prop-heavy Monopoly metaphor that makes you wonder if retirement just isn't for everyone. He then traps his audience in his basement, dropping in a decrepit old lady with secrets of her own. Will they discover the one true religion in time for...well, I don't really know. Where exactly is this going?

Heretic is one of those movies that I didn't mind while watching, but with every day that passes, I find it...annoying. Writer/directors Scott Beck and Bryan Woods didn't do much for me with Haunt or their screenplay for A Quiet Place, so this may be a case where I just don't eat from their restaurant much longer. 

An A24 film, Heretic certainly shares some DNA with The Menu, a similarly snide and snarky horror comedy that has the advantage of being miles more entertaining. Sure, it might be repetitive once you understand the goal of villain chef Ralph Fiennes, but it has style, it has panache, it has things to say about artists who compromise their vision when their work becomes commodified for a wealthy paying audience. 

Heretic has Hugh Grant doing a fun Jar Jar Binks impression. 

I found this movie sluggish because, without spoiling anything, not much really happens, and when it does, the filmmakers get coy and cute about what it actually means (if anything). It's annoying all around. 

High Points

No, I didn't care much at all for this movie, but let's be clear that none of this comes from the performances, which are universally wonderful. Sophie Thatcher carries over her excessively watchable Yellowjackets energy. As Sister Paxton, Chloe East infuses all the positive earnestness of a young Mormon in a genuinely lovable way. Hugh Grant is always at his best when he's actively acknowledging that he's smarter than those around him, and while I found Mr. Reed insufferable as a human being, it was certainly a joy to watch Grant drill into his skin and yes, do the occasional Jar Jar Binks impersonation

Low Points

I just don't think this movie is as smart as it prides itself on being

Lessons Learned

Never trust a teenage girl with a camera

The only thing worse than a missionary at your door is a person eager to talk with the missionaries at your door

When trapped in a room without an exit, always observe where the liquid goes

Rent/Bury/Buy

Heretic is a polished film, and there's certainly an audience that will enjoy it. I'm just a bit too tired to be part of it.