Monday, June 12, 2023

I'm Your Number One (Swim)Fan

 


We all have our favorite films, but some of us have our favorite film studios. A24, Lionsgate, MGM, The Asylum...all have their merits, but let's be real: the warmer of my heart is none other than Marvista Entertainment.



Never heard of them, you say? Do you not spend hours watching Lifetime movies and Tubi content? 

What, my friend, is WRONG with you?

Quick Plot: Chelsea Angel is a celebrated musician who traded her bubble gum '90s pop career for a more unplugged style. Now five months pregnant, she decides to take a hiatus from performing but before she can announce that to her adoring fanbase, her private jet home crashes in the mountains.


Her manager and pilot are found dead, but Chelsea is luckier: she awakens to find herself in chains next to the young flight attendant. Who could have done such a thing?

Yes, obviously, the flight attendant! Who also happens to be Chelsea's number 1 fan. What a fine stroke of luck!


Evelyn King, you see, had a troubled life and the only bright spot was Chelsea's early music. Therefore, logic dictates that Chelsea should make MORE music. A baby is just going to mess that up, right?

Elsewhere, Chelsea's partner Nick is trying desperately to find her, which is a problem when the authorities seem less trained than the officers in Last House On the Left. He's far more successful teaming up with Frank, Chelsea's #2 fan. 



As you can guess, this film has a lot of mixed messages.


And as you probably already figured out, it's also not very good.

I love a Lifetime stalker tale, particularly when it's shameless about its source material. The medium may be different but make no mistake: The Follower is writer/director Damian Romay's take on Misery, a movie I might enjoy a bit (if my most recent Halloween costume is any indication). 



Which should be a lot of fun! Casting Erika "Tell me you love me, I know it!" Christensen as a former pop star now being Swimfanned? Brilliant! 



The movie? Not!

As someone who does an entire podcast on Hallmark holiday movies, I fully understand that most of these network films are made for pennies and in days. In no way do I expect cinematic brilliance or innovation. But energy? That's free.

Christensen plays the most levelheaded kidnapping victim you ever met. On one hand, I suppose it's refreshing to have a hero act rationally in the face of insanity. On the other, it's way less interesting. As Evelyn, Bethany Lauren James has some fun tapping into a fallen manic fangirl, but the actual filming feels so rushed that some of her grander moments just don't connect the way they can, even on this level. A scene where a very pregnant Chelsea waddles away as Evelyn attacks her with a guitar feels more like it was the blocking rehearsal for fight choreography than the climax of the film. 



High Points
Yes, the fact that I just said "Erika Christensen waddles away as her stalker beats her with a guitar" SHOULD make you say, "well that sounds fun" and yes, some of it is



Low Points
The utter lack of self-awareness about why casting Erika Christensen in an obsessive fan movie is funny in itself is such a wasted opportunity that for the many misses this movie makes, this is the biggest



Lessons Learned
Details matter in every act of creation, whether you're writing a song or sewing a creepy doll

The hardest part of any plan is knowing how to manage the rohypnol doses



Picking a lock is as easy as watching a youtube video

Rent/Bury/Buy
On paper, The Follower should have been spectacular (for me). Unfortunately, it's just not nearly as much fun as it should be (for me). If you're not me, have a go at it on Peacock.

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