Light It Up

 

I'm a sucker for a good hat. When you open a film with an outfit like this, complete with sequins that don't quite come across in this still, you've got me:

Quick Plot: Incredibly stylish, woefully sad Maria Jose is considering jumping off a ledge in her small rural town when a mysterious, muddied child appears. Maria pauses her end of life plans to take the girl to the nearest police station but gets pulled over instead. When the cops get physical with her new surrogate mother, the child summons some telekinesis to make one policeman kill the other before bursting into flames.

As babysitting gigs go, it's not the worst job.

See, Maria Jose has had a rough life. Thirteen years earlier, her son Lolo, a dwarf hated by his classmates, died by suicide after severe bullying by the mayor's son. Maria Jose's husband David has since left to start a new family with the much younger (but very sweet) Ari. Teenagers dub her as a witch, and their parents are no better. Even the town's head priest treats her as if she's infected.

The arrival of Lucia, as Maria Jose soon dubs her, changes her mood significantly. Lucia is a dwarf and fits perfectly into Lolo's clothes. She also brings news that she's going to destroy the town and its awful inhabitants. Maria Jose is fully down.

As the locals are struck by unexplained illness and physically impossible suicides, all eyes fall on the outsiders. In doing so, the town's own ugly history (long-term and recent) comes to roost. Chaos ensues, and honestly, I don't know that I can actually explain it.

That's not a spoiler warning. I mean at the 3/4 mark, Everyone Will Burn seems to spin out of control in terms of landing any kind of narrative. Shocking things happen only to be immediately undone. Characters are killed...and then they're not. The credits roll and a coda pops up to nearly take us into a completely different movie.

It's frustrating because despite a good twenty minutes spent watching with my head in full confused head tilt, I still loved this movie. Director/co-writer David Hebrero starts things with a bang and keeps the energy up in ways that are stylish, spooky, funny, and fun. At its core, Everyone Will Burn takes a basic apocalypse and lets us see it from the point of view of one small town dripping in hypocritical Catholicism that might indeed deserve its satanic end. The cast is sharp, the score is grand, and there are acts of violence executed in ways I've never quite seen. I wish I understood the actual story more comfortably, but I can forgive a lot when I'm this entertained.

High Points

Everyone Will Burn probably works despite itself due to the incredibly dynamic performance of Macarena Gómez. With soap opera experience, it's not surprising that she's such a master of her own face. Maria Jose is an interesting character on the page, but in Gómez's hands, she's positively riveting

 

Low Points

I'm kind of smart. I paid close attention. And I still have no idea what actually happened in the last twenty minutes of this film

Lessons Learned

Ginger on a fried tomato is magic

When covering up a murder, never forget the crepes

No matter how classy and high-end your life becomes, you never really grow out of wanting to have sex on the chest freezer in your basement

Rent/Bury/Buy

Everyone Will Burn is obviously far from a perfect film, but I had a fantastic time with it. Find it on Kanopy with the full understanding that it doesn't actually come together...and that's okay. 

It's a Long Process

 

I love South Korean horror films. I just wish every one wasn't always a good 20 minutes longer than it needs to be.

Quick Plot: Shamans Hwa-rim and Bong-gil are very good at their jobs, but when a wealthy family hires them to help their haunted baby, they need some backup. Hwa-rim calls in acclaimed geomancer Kim Sang-deok and his trusty mortician Yeong-geun to locate the family patriarch's grave and move the body to a consecrated location. 

With bad rain, the group decides to wait out the reburial in a nearby and nearly empty monastery. As they rest up after a wild ritual and satisfying noodle dinner, Yeong-geun's local contact decides to do some grave robbing. Naturally, a very angry, very large demon gets released in the process.

There's a lot more that happens in Exhuma, mostly because this movie is 150+ minutes long. I had been hearing good things about the film but couldn't quite fathom the day where I summoned that time block, so it felt mandatory to watch it when I ended up on a plane with a more robust selection of in-flight entertainment. I had nowhere to go.

I'll say about Exhuma what I said last year about Searching, but for very different reasons: this is indeed the perfect plane movie. Searching worked in that way because it was intended to feel like the POV of a laptop. For Exhuma, it's simply the best way to force yourself to sit down for nearly three hours and commit to one story.

This isn't to say Exhuma drags. It's more that it simply feels like too much movie. We shift so many times, from cool millenial shamans to Japanese colonial ghosts to suicidal hauntees and so much more. As three separate 45-minute films, Exhuma is deeply enjoyable. But when assembled together, it doesn't feel epic in scale...just very long. 

High Points

I love a mixed-generation genre film, and one of Exhuma's strengths is how the very cool and young Kim Go-eun and the retirement-ready Choi Min-sik play off each other. It's more complex than a father/daughter-ish dynamic, as they represent different eras and angles on how to manage the supernatural. To watch how they work together on it is genuinely fascinating

Low Points

For a movie this long (TWO AND A HALF FULL HOURS) it feels especially frustrating to leave the fate of a character up in the air. Our poor unlucky gravedigger who encounters the human-headed snake and comes down with a debilitating, I don't know, ghost sickness, is last seen struggling to breathe in a dank apartment. The fact that we never return to him or learn of his fate feels either lazy or kind of disrespectful, as if a working class character doesn't need resolution

Lessons Learned

Eerie days call for hot soup

A fox at a gravesite is an ominous sign

No high floor hotel should ever allow for human-sized windows

Rent/Bury/Buy

Exhuma is not a movie I'll go back to, but I'm glad I watched it. It's GOOD, not great, and if sprawling Korean ghost stories interest you, then I can't recommend it enough. But if you see that running time and wince, I can't argue that it justifies taking up that much of your time. Then again, if you happen to be flying cross-country, it's an easy way to keep you busy in between tiny bags of pretzels. 

Presidential Inception

 

I'm sure there's some kind of essay to be written on Dennis Quaid going from trying to prevent a Ronald Reagan stand-in from starting a nuclear war to, 20 years later, playing Ronald Reagan, but we'll leave that for another time. Peacock is streaming 1984's Dreamscape. Let's go.

Quick Plot: Dr. Novotny is running a successful series of studies on dream immersion, sending psychics into patients' REM cycles to help identify underlying problems in their lives. It's great for curing impotency, but Novotny's aims are peanuts compared to government agent Bob Blair, who sees this new technology as a means of far greater things. 

Since Blair is played by Max Von Sydow, you can be pretty sure such things are not exactly related to world peace.

Enter Alex Gardner (Quaid), a former psychic prodigy turned loan shark-owing gambler. Novotny brings Alex back to help develop his studies. While there, Alex falls for Dr. Jane DeVries (Kate Capshaw), a woman who could do a lot better than a jerk who sneaks into her dreams to have sex with her without consent. But it's 1984, they're both attractive, so we move on to them uniting to save the world.

See, there's a very important man having nightmares: the President of the United States. He's plagued with visions of a nuclear wasteland, which worries Blair, who would rather not see his country move to disarmament. Blair's plan is to send his pet psychic Tommy into the President's dream for a sleepy assassination. Alex has some warning from horror novelist Charlie Prince (Norm!) but as bodies begin to pile up, it's clear the only way to save the world is to do some inception.

Dreamscape is a fun little sci-fi horror dripping with its time. The script has multiple writers credited, including Chuck Russell, who would go on to use quite a few small touches from this film into the beloved Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors. Director Joseph Ruben was never a stranger to oddness in genre cinema: this is the man who turned a kidnapping film into an alien invasion in The Forgotten, and who I think about every day for the last 30 years because he's responsible for the absolutely bonkers The Good Son. 

We do not talk nearly enough about The Good Son.

Dreamscape doesn't quite reach those heights (and literally, because REMEMBER HOW THIS MOVIE ENDS?)

Sorry, it's hard to ever focus on something that isn't The Good Son when talking adjacently about The Good Son.

AS I WAS SAYING, Dreamscape is neat. It feels of its time in catching that late '70s/early '80s psychological experimental era of The Brood and The Fury, but with more electric music that even bridges the upcoming early '90s with some sexy saxophone magic. Plus, there's even some timely nuclear war politics! Quaid shows the charisma that would make him a star. Capshaw is smart and sexy. The dreams are just weird enough to feel like dreams. It's a good time. 

High Points

By golly this is a good cast

Low Points

Aforementioned ickiness regarding the fuzzy sexual assault question and resolution

Lessons Learned

The best way to get a cad to do something is to invoke the IRS

In our dreams, we're often very racist

The easiest shorthand to imply 'unhinged psychopath' is simply casting David Patrick Kelly

Rent/Bury/Buy

Dreamscape is quite fun. Sure, the visual dream language is basically a karaoke music video filmed in 1992 eastern Europe, but there's a lot to enjoy here. I watched via Peacock, which did occasionally have a weird bug happening where at least two scenes weren't transferring correctly. Not sure if that was simply my connection, but I figured it was worth a warning.

It's Really Coming Down Out There

 

It's never a good thing to watch a horror movie and wonder if the Hallmark Christmas version would be better, but when a film comes loaded with a Hallmark-ready title and Lifetime-budget CGI, it's inevitable. 

Quick Plot: Five college pals head to rich daddy's boy River's remote cabin for a New Year's celebration. As the alcohol flows, the snow comes down hard, quickly trapping them inside and shutting down the power. With no cell service, things look grim.

Thankfully (or not), med student Eden has a big old brain loaded with tricks about how to survive hypothermia. Apparently, such a process is far less fun than death. 

There's no more drinking, sleeping, Twizzlers, or fresh snowcones to be had. Instead, the group must battle their own psyches and paranoia amid the rampant hallucinations that come with, well, no sleeping or Twizzlers. 

It's a good idea for a low budget horror movie, and make no mistake: despite literal phoned (well, Zoomed)-in cameos by Patrick Fabian and hey! Hallmark favorite Jonathan Bennett, Snow Falls is not an expensive film. There's a CGI snowman that makes me wonder if both late '90s incarnations of Jack Frost were ahead of their time. Digital snow that makes Tubi originals look fancy. And so on. 

Written, directed, and co-starring Colton Tran, Snow Falls has the benefit of streaming on Amazon Prime, where I've recently watched some pretty insufferable horror movies from this decade. This one is pretty far from being what anyone would call good, but it feels less offensive than some of its peers. 

The main downside of Snow Falls is that it lacks a certain spark. The first scene suggests we're in for a batch of obnoxious young people who complain about things like seat belts, but quickly, they become less awful and more dull. We've got shy good boy River (The Passenger's Johnny Berchtold), fit Kit (played by Tran), hypochondriac Em, and her boyfriend Andy (whose main defining trait is "boyfriend"). Eden stands out for her medical knowledge and backstory involving a recently deceased mom, the latter of which seems like it's intended to go somewhere spooky or heartfelt and simply...doesn't. 

The setup of Snow Falls gives plenty of opportunity for surprise, but unfortunately, that only seems to work on its characters. The audience is always aware that any moment of hope is a hallucination. That gets old fast, even in just 80 minutes.

High Points

You know what? I learned a lot about hypothermia! That's useful!

Low Points

An 80 minute educational video about hypothermia may have been more suspenseful

Lessons Learned

When you have 11K followers, people expect to hear from you

To survive hypothermia, you have to be very, very lame

There's always a very sharp piece of furniture when tensions rise

Rent/Bury/Buy

Snow Falls is far from the worst little thriller you'll find on Prime, but it's still hard to summon any real reason to recommend it. 

You Gotta Have Faith

 

There are few worse conversations to be stuck in than the ones with people whose opinions you share, but who are incredibly obnoxious about making sure everyone around you knows why those opinions are so right.

Now let's make that conversation take 111 minutes.

Quick Plot: Mormon missionaries Sister Barnes and Sister Paxton are out and about on a chilly late afternoon to spread the word. Sister Barnes is a bit more experienced, having made several conversions even though (or perhaps because) she carries some emotional weight that led her to this faith. Eager Sister Paxton is all smiles and hope, and both tactics seem like they might work on their new target: Mr. Reed.

Played by a bespectacled and warm sweater-wearing Hugh Grant, Mr. Reed lives in an unusual house surrounded by trees and built with metal walls, the better to block your cell phone signal with. He teases the girls with the scent of blueberry pie being baked by his shy wife, then welcomes their stories of Joseph Smith with a little too much curiosity. 

What follows is a sort of theology debate that Jigsaw might have had in his freshman college year. Mr. Reed first lectures the girls on the similarities between Christianity, Islam, and Judaism, embarking on a very prop-heavy Monopoly metaphor that makes you wonder if retirement just isn't for everyone. He then traps his audience in his basement, dropping in a decrepit old lady with secrets of her own. Will they discover the one true religion in time for...well, I don't really know. Where exactly is this going?

Heretic is one of those movies that I didn't mind while watching, but with every day that passes, I find it...annoying. Writer/directors Scott Beck and Bryan Woods didn't do much for me with Haunt or their screenplay for A Quiet Place, so this may be a case where I just don't eat from their restaurant much longer. 

An A24 film, Heretic certainly shares some DNA with The Menu, a similarly snide and snarky horror comedy that has the advantage of being miles more entertaining. Sure, it might be repetitive once you understand the goal of villain chef Ralph Fiennes, but it has style, it has panache, it has things to say about artists who compromise their vision when their work becomes commodified for a wealthy paying audience. 

Heretic has Hugh Grant doing a fun Jar Jar Binks impression. 

I found this movie sluggish because, without spoiling anything, not much really happens, and when it does, the filmmakers get coy and cute about what it actually means (if anything). It's annoying all around. 

High Points

No, I didn't care much at all for this movie, but let's be clear that none of this comes from the performances, which are universally wonderful. Sophie Thatcher carries over her excessively watchable Yellowjackets energy. As Sister Paxton, Chloe East infuses all the positive earnestness of a young Mormon in a genuinely lovable way. Hugh Grant is always at his best when he's actively acknowledging that he's smarter than those around him, and while I found Mr. Reed insufferable as a human being, it was certainly a joy to watch Grant drill into his skin and yes, do the occasional Jar Jar Binks impersonation

Low Points

I just don't think this movie is as smart as it prides itself on being

Lessons Learned

Never trust a teenage girl with a camera

The only thing worse than a missionary at your door is a person eager to talk with the missionaries at your door

When trapped in a room without an exit, always observe where the liquid goes

Rent/Bury/Buy

Heretic is a polished film, and there's certainly an audience that will enjoy it. I'm just a bit too tired to be part of it. 

Where'd You Go?

 

Ah, the made-for-TV movie. Even as the golden era ended at the turn of the century, stations like TBS kept gifting the world with these treasures. 

Quick Plot: Nothing unites a new family like a road trip! Dad Jim (my early Clash of the Titans crush Harry Hamlin) is hoping that some Nevada desert will warm his nice teen son Matt and bitter tween daughter Katie to his new wife Patty (The Partridge Family's Susan Dey), a book editor with a cell phone (slightly ahead of the curve in 2002). Also in tow is Matt's pal Ethan. 

After stopping for terrible burgers at a greasy diner filled with ominous locals, budding photographer Matt convinces his family to take a detour to an abandoned mining village. It's a fun hour spent wandering a mysteriously empty main street but also just enough time to cause some car trouble. The family makes a camping trip out of it with a sense of adventure until they discover a dusty video camera with some early found footage home movie of the last group to open their sleeping bags in the same house. 

Things look worse in the morning when the car goes missing. Yes, these hills have eyes, and they're not smiling. 

Made for the TBS Superstation (THROWBACK!), Disappearance is a curious piece of cinema (well, small screen cinema). The film is written and directed by TV veteran Walter Klenhard, a man with dozens of Garage Sale Mystery credits to his name, plus the irresistibly titled Baby Monitor: Sound of Fear. 

I've been talking a lot about one's level of expectation when approaching a genre film. Standards change depending on budget and ambition. They also get very skewed when we're talking about a television network that hasn't aired its own film content in twenty years. 

Like any TV movie, Disappearance shows its format with some commercial fade outs and a fairly clear TV-14 limit. But it's also filmed in the sprawling Australian outback and has an aura of something slightly bigger. The cast is strong, and that includes the younger actors who feel quite lived in and comfortable as this family. There's a kind of YA literature energy to how things go down, which I mean as a compliment.

I think a lot of viewers, both from 2002 and 2025, won't find much in Disappearance. But if you go into it with an open mind and fondness for a time when the letters TBS had a certain ring, you might, as I did, walk away having had a surprisingly good, albeit confusing time. 

High Points

The combination of good writing and confident performances from young Jer Adrianne Lelliott as Matt and Basia A'Hern (who went on to do editorial work for Furiosa, which is pretty badass) as Katie really do help to make the family antics of Disappearance work well

Low Points

I love a good ambiguous ending, but it's genuinely bizarre how little a made-for-TBS thriller ends up disclosing. I have no idea what actually happened in this movie, which is admirably daring on Klenhard's part, but incredibly unsatisfying on mine

Lessons Learned

Any pilot knows never to nose in 

The best defense against a rattlesnake is a cushy polyester wallet

If it's on tape, it has to be real

Rent/Bury/Buy

I had fun with Disappearance, though it's certainly not for everyone. Find it on Amazon Prime (or your local TBS station).

Flying Economy

 

A few months back, I watched the first three entries in the Airport series over the course of a few days. The experience was, well, weird. 

Have you seen these movies? They're insane, in both terrible and wonderful ways. Each one comes loaded with gender politics that would make Andrew Dice Clay blush. Every flight attendant (well, in these cases, stewardesses) is having an affair with a much older married superior. Old ladies scam their way through security. Suicidal bombers cheat the insurance industry. The third installment sees the plane buried at the bottom of the ocean. Everyone from Christopher Lee to Gloria Swanson shows up. This series is madness!

Anyway, for someone whose reference to Airport was always just Airplane! (which, it turns out, isn't THAT much zanier than Airport), this was a wild ride that no colors every other piece of culture I consume set on commercial aircraft. 

Quick Plot: The worst people imaginable board a flight headed to Tokyo. Among them are a new racist bride, a soon-to-be-divorced-but-faking-it-for-their-friends couple, a sad pregnant girl not in love with her partner, a racist petty thief, and a few portly men who dare to EAT on a plane (we can assume at least two of them are also racist). We know this is a crime because the attractive and trim flight attendants make jokes about it. I should also mention that the head of the crew is hoping that this is the trip that will finally convince her captain boyfriend to leave his wife and kids. 

A reminder: this is a 12-hour flight. We're going to be with these jerks for a while.

Up in the air, oddness ensues. A passenger guarding a mysterious coffin-like box has some kind of a seizure, dying instantly and causing some mild panic just as weather conditions jostle the plane. Air masks drop down, luggage descends from the upper storage, and a corpse goes missing. The only thing worse? First class passengers are forced to move down to economy. The horror!

Flight 7500 is directed by Takashi Shimizu, best known for both the original and surprisingly good American remake of The Grudge. This film definitely shares some of The Grudge's style, albeit in diluted form. It doesn't help that Craig Rosenberg's script is filled with so many awful characters, though most are thankfully played by good actors who manage to make them pop onscreen. 

Look, when I queue up a genre movie I've never heard of on Amazon Prime, my expectations are in a specifically low place. As soon as actual actors like Amy Smart and Johnathon Schaech show up, my brain has to do some recalculating. Where is the bar? 

The easy answer could be at 20,000 feet. Dad jokes aside, Flight 7500 is kind of like a junk drawer that has a few pleasant objects messily tucked inside. Based on the haircuts and fashion, Flight 7500 feels like it couldn't have been filmed after 2008, though it's currently on Amazon Prime with a 2014 date. The way these people speak to one another comes from another world.

And yet, I was kind of into Flight 7500's story? Even if it didn't line up in any logical way? There's a twist that hits at the 3/4 mark that isn't very satisfying in a narrative sense, but then you land on a good actor's face as they react and you walk away feeling like these 90 minutes had some value. 

And then you end on a very dumb jump scare and become even more convinced that the 2014 date is a lie. 

High Points

Genuine standing applause to much of the cast of Flight 7500, most of whom are overqualified for this kind of movie. Leslie Bibb is, for all intents and purposes, playing a woman whose primary motivation is to pull a cad away from his family, but we're able to forget that because she's also quite good as an actual flight attendant. Even Nicky Whalen, last seen by me as a shark hunter in Maneater, makes her terrible human being of a character, actually fun to watch

Low Points

If you start thinking about the details in Flight 7500, you will very quickly find that you have watched a movie that makes very little sense

Lessons Learned

The longer the flight, the more racists onboard

It's bad luck to board a flight without saying I love you

Screenwriting 101, courtesy of The Darkest Hour: if you need to establish a character as being unlikable, the easiest bit of dialogue is to have him rant against the 'no electronics during takeoff' rule

Rent/Bury/Buy

I think of Flight 7500 along the same lines as The Asylum's Flight of the Living Dead. These are not, by traditional definition, 'good' movies, but they're both far better than their poster art and pedigree would suggest. If hearing something described as "The Grudge on a plane" lends any interest, this is a fun watch.