I'm On a (Haunted) Boat

Every now and then, a movie so loosely called ‘a movie’ arrives in front of my eyes. Sometimes this kills me with boredom or discomfort (season’s greetings, Deadly Little Christmas) but others, something truly wonderful happens. Something Unborn Sins-like you might even say.

Movies--rather, ‘movies’--can do many things. They can make you laugh, cry, scream, learn, or, in the case of today’s Instant Watch New Classic, sit back with your mouth hanging agape and say...YES.

Quick Plot: A group of horrible teenagers spend the weekend on the Horrible Pothead Teenager’s new boat. 

So not only are these teenagers horrible, they’re also rich, making them even more horrible.

After a cleaning-the-boat AND drinking-on-the-boat montage, the Horrible People pause to discuss, as you do, what they’re afraid of. Clearly they haven’t seen House of Fears or they’d know that such a conversation will immediately lead to their death via their phobia, which of course includes the following:

-bugs

-being left alone

-drowning (gee, THAT’S easy)

-something someone mumbled that I couldn’t actually understand

So let's just say it was Mumbles

-crazy demented people

-other dimensions

Just as we decide we’re going to unleash a crazy demented bundle of interdimensional bugs on these Awful Awful Characters, screenwriter (and director, and costume designer, and director of photography, and art director, and set designer, and writer of a few original songs, and body double for the blond) Olga Levens shows us mercy and pulls the classic prankster-who-cried-wolf-actually-dying trick.

See, Horrible Pothead has some health issues and isn’t supposed to swim, but Horrible Blond Skank goads him into it. Aaaaaaaaand he doesn’t surface. So Horrible Blond Skank frantically dials 911--in the middle of the ocean--to no avail because there’s OBVIOUSLY not going to be any service, while Horrible Mousy Brunette dives in. But Horrible Blond Skank spots a giant CGI shark--of whom we will never see again--so Horrible Mousy Brunette comes out of the water, pleads with Horrible Asian Stud to help, so he then proceeds to scream and threaten violence at Horrible Blond Skank.

OH! And two scenes earlier, Horrible Asian Stud--who previously dated Horrible Blond Skank--hits on Horrible Mousy Brunette. One scene after that, Horrible Mousy Brown FLASHES BACK TO the Horrible Courting Scene that was one scene earlier and looks longingly with a wistful look. Because Horrible Asian Studs who slap your own Horrible Best Friend are clearly ones you don’t let get away.

So now everyone is miserable which makes them act like even more horrible people. To calm themselves, they tell ghost stories because, you know, duh. What else do you do when you’re lost at sea and mourning the dude who brought you there? 

This sequence is amazing, because it lets the previously quiet Horrible Australian Girl tell a tale that involves a gnome.

Yup, Haunted Boat has sharks AND gnomes. Rather, A shark and A gnome. Beat that, The Reef!

But don’t get too excited because like the Horrible CGI Shark, the Forest Gnome (who I can’t call horrible, because come on, forest gnome!) is gone for good. Sigh.

Next comes a seizure, because that’s cool. Horrible Australian Girl foams at the mouth, prompting Horrible Blond Skank to shout, with skill Meryl Streep could never know, “I’m NOT staying on a boat with an epileptic!”

Look honey, this is 2011. They have rights too.

The two remaining dudes--Horrible Asian Stud and Not Actually That Horrible Nerdy Guy--take the boat’s raft out to find some help. While gone, an albino not-doctor (who’s also actually not that horrible) comes on board to find bugs crawling out of Horrible Australian Girl’s ears. But then Horrible Blond Skank aims a flare gun at his face and he “has to go!”

Least offensive shot of an albino available

Yeah, because that makes perfect sense.

Then other stuff happens maybe kinda I dunno sure sorta. The ending--SPOILER!, except I actually have no idea what happened so not quite--is...um....well...a twist? I *think* that we find out that Horrible Mousy Girl actually imagined the whole thing? Or that her friends just didn’t exist and she went on a boat by herself? Or that they did exist and she went on the boat with them after having this zany adventure on her own? Or that God is a cloud and rainbows show when he cries and unicorns have feelings too but snowmen will hurt you if you let them know your weaknesses? And a baloo is a bear and wuzzle means to mix and all work and no play makes Homer something something?

I haven’t been this confused since Safety In Numbers. Luckily, I’m confused in a far better way. See, if you recall, I HATED that other ending-on-a-boat low budget slasher because it was joyless. Haunted Boat is an awful, awful film, but it’s so adorable in its ambitious incompetence that I absolutely adored it. 

Even if everyone inside of it was Terrible, Horrible, No Good and Very Bad.

High Points

I’m not being completely sarcastic when I say Haunted Boat has its potentially creepy moments. None of them *actually* work because, you know, nothing in the film actually works, but a few of the ghostings did catch me by surprise and were occasionally executed with some genuine skills. Some.

Low Points

I understand that obtaining the rights to music can be an expensive part of an indie film’s budget, and hence often demands a few public domain tunes. But there are still a few considerations one should take when choosing tracks, like not following what I imagine is a local band’s hard rock shoutiness with the classical violins from the De Beers commercials...and then reusing the De Beers music at the climax of the film

Lessons Learned

You know how gross it is when your body decomposes

Girls can never be trusted

If you’re from the Valley, you are also not smart

The Winning Line

“Here’s some Volume. It will calm her down”

I rewound this moment twice, just to make sure. While it doesn’t quite match Tara Reid’s pronunciation of New-Found-Land, I do consider it amazing. And further proof that if you're from the Valley, you're not that smart

Why Oh Why Question of the Day

As I mentioned in my review of Goblin, I simply don’t understand why a filmmaker insists on making every one of its teenage characters a disgusting person. It’s not entertaining in the least for an audience to despise every person on screen, even if you think it makes their death scenes more rewarding. I’m far more affected when I actually care about a character and THEN have to see him or her undergo horrors than when I just want them out of my line of vision

I toast not you

Rent/Bury/Buy

Haunted Boat is a horrendous little film, but connoisseurs of the ridiculous will find it weirdly enjoyable and well worth a 90 minute Instant Watch. Or maybe I’m just pushing it to see if anyone else can explain the ending, because despite four years of good grades in college, I just don’t think I’m smart enough. And I'm not even from the Valley.

Nilbog Is Gil Bellows Spelled Backwards? Oh My Godddddddddddd!

I didn't watch 2010's Goblin because it starred the on-a-straight-to-DVD-rolling Gil Bellows, but I have no shame in saying I should have. See, I rented the movie because it's set during Halloween--something that I still find shockingly rare for most horror films--and involves a goblin, and really, what can there possibly be not to like about a Halloween film involving goblins?

Well, as it turns out, teenagers.

But not Gil Bellows. Or goblins. 

Those are things to love.

Quick Plot: An 1831 flashback introduces us to Hollow Glen, a cursed town besmirched during a bad season of crops. How to fix such a Wicker Manny problem? Sacrifice a mutant baby of course!

The fact that tossing the li'l bugger into a bonfire produces a sound like shattered glass should alert the folks that something is awry. More pressingly, the sudden appearance of an 8' tall CGI monster who slashes through period-garbed extras seals the deal.

I know I should move on to the main storyline of the film--wherein Mr. Bellows channels Yoda and his bratty daughter whines--but let's pause for many moments to discuss the titular character. Goblin--I like to think he's really named GOB, pronounced as you expect if you have good taste in television--is pretty amazing. By pretty I mean amazingly. So GOB is amazingly amazing. See what I mean?

He's essentially the inbred cousin of a Nav'i, one who prowls the woods instead of Pandora and eats babies in place of 3D rainbows. Somewhere in his gene pool, I'm pretty sure a Blood Gnome snuck in (though the phalicness was weaned out). Most importantly, he's cross-eyed.

Leading to what I imagine are deleted scenes where the victims awkwardly ask GOB if he's actually looking at them, then GOB lets out a single tear, nods, the victim screams, apologizes because he or she feels really bad and uncomfortable, then screams again when GOB lets it go and kills them. 

Why don't I make movies?

Flash forward to the present day, where Gil--who still looks young and adorable, even if slightly high off of exhaust fumes--is driving his second wife, baby son, horrid teenage daughter Nikki and her skanky friend Cammy into the woods to close a business deal. They stop at the local diner for a hearty helping of ominous warnings, mostly issued by the token Crazy Ralph old guy who can't possibly know what he's talking about when he says the newbies' baby will be eaten by a goblin.

Because, like, there are BIGGER problems to deal with DAD. You don't even TALK about Dead Mom anymore! And you care more about that cute baby you had with the far more pleasant woman than you do about ME! I'm SEVENTEEN! I like, NEED you to care about me.

Dad! I mean, DON’T TALK to me! Especially in front of BOYS! You're like, so LAME! And you hate Dead Mom. And I hate you. And I hate my baby brother who like, TOTALLY needs someone to watch him? Seriously? It's like you hate me. I wish the goblins would come and take you away right now.

Sorry readers, I found myself channeling the character of Nikki. Perhaps my biggest beef with Goblin is the fact that the first hour of the film INSISTS on making its main character THE MOST HORRID PERSON IN THE WORLD. 

Yes folks, my biggest problem in this movie had nothing to do with the half-price CGI monster who wears assless chaps.

Nope, it's the chick, a nasty, angst-filled brat who can't say two words without making me want to call David Bowie to see if he accepts older half-sisters on his Goblin staff. This girl is positively evil.

Granted, I'm the youngest in my family and therefore may just not identify with the plight of the oldest child. So maybe this is all my fault. Perhaps if I was a pretty 17-year-old growing up today with a pleasant dad and nice enough stepmother, I too would have every reason to ditch baby-sitting duties long enough for someone to kidnap my baby brother and feed him to goblins. Or just one. Because that is all you need.

High Points

For a not very good movie, Goblin does boast a few decent sequences, including an excellent baby crib reveal that shows director Jeffery Scott Lando might have potential with better material/CGI caliber goblins

Low Points

Look, I understand that having an angsty teen as your lead could work when she uses the journey of saving her baby brother from being eaten by a goblin as a growing experience. But honestly, making her just a nice young teenager who has to save her baby brother from eaten by a goblin really wouldn't have taken ANYTHING away from the whole saving-brother-goblin thing. And would have made the audience not want to see the star die a painful death

Credits Curiosity

Not something I expect in the opening credits sequence: U.S. Casting by One Person, followed by CASTING By Someone Else. At that point, at least tell us WHERE Goblin was was filmed (and cast)

Lessons Learned

What's in for goblin style in 2010: Assless chaps, Grim Reaper hoodies, and bone earrings

Attractive yet bland eighteen year old boys are turned on by fake blonds with oddly parted hair talking dirty. By dirty, I mean using the kinds of come-ons that befit the Sweet Valley High twins (or at least Jessica). Sample exchange: 

“You are so hot!” 

“Careful...you might get burned"

Arguing is not helpful

When burying your own wife/mother, it’s vital to dress the part of a mourning family with proper black dresses or suits. Try to avoid dirt stains, but really, what can you do?

Rent/Bury/Buy

I’m not sure whether Goblin was made for the SyFy Channel, but I’d bet a mutant baby that it was. It’s not good, but it’s passable enough light horror along the lines of Skeleton Man. The CGI effects are hilariously adorable, as is the titular goblin himself. So I guess those who like leggy goblins, go for it. All others, stick to a more laughable Gil Bellows as the villain facing Steve Austin in Hunt to Kill. It’s a performance worth goblining for.

It's a Title AND Subgenre In One!

As a 12 year old bookworm, I began, in 1994, reading Peter Straub’s novel Ghost Story on a school band trip. 

I was, as you can imagine, insanely hip.

If memory serves (a lot of it is questionable, since the cool kids clearly beat me up a lot at that age) I got about 100 pages into the rather slow-moving tale before something else caught my interest (V.C. Andrews? Mystery Science Theater 3000? Tonya Harding?) and I never reached 101.

What that says about the book is arguable. 1994 was probably the peak of my literary nerdom, so the fact that after getting a quarter of the way through, I never cared to finish might indeed mean I was bored with the storytelling. 17 years and a few more Olympic figure skating scandals later, the far less time consuming siren call of Netflix Instant Watch (or is that redundant now?) let me at least find out how the story ended. 

Quick Plot: Meet the Chowder Society, a fireside group of senior citizens who gather twice a month to drink brandy, be rich, and regale one another with scary tales. The gray-haired gang has been chums for over 50 years, all reaching professional success in their snowy New England town. Recently, each member has been experiencing sweat-inducing nightmares, much to the chagrin of their there-to-sigh-with-pots-of-coffee-wives.

The widowed Edward (Douglas Fairbanks Jr.) gets more tragedy when his successful son David falls out of a window to his death. What no one knows is that David stumbled (full frontal nakedly, no less) after discovering his sleeping paramour was stone cold and corpse facey. Less successful son Don returns home for the funeral to act like a jerk before his mourning pops meets his own end after seeing the same corpse facey woman hanging out on a snow covered bridge.

Clearly, there’s a pattern going on here although thankfully, The Gorgeous Woman Who Makes Men Fall To Their Deaths does eventually vary her act. Sensing some secret between the surviving geezers (another one drops soon), Don talks his way into the club with own ghost story.

See, when Don was a fresh-faced young college professor, he left his dowdy girlfriend for the sexy British secretary. After a month of lovemaking and ice cream sundaes, the beauty--named Alma--proposed marriage in Don’s hometown, prompting their breakup, Don’s well deserved termination, and the subsequent engagement of Alma to Don’s dearly departed brother David.

Mystery afoot! Old men in danger! A 1930s flashback! Ghost Story unfolds as a good ghost story should, with layers of creepiness being built and stacked like a many-tiered cake. Unfortunately, like many a many-tiered cake, not all layers are created equal. 

See, when you have such heavyweights as Fred Astaire and John Houseman, it makes following a dull cad like Craig Wasson’s Don quite a pain. Wasson isn’t awful, but Don sure is. We’re introduced to a thirtysomething underachiever who’s been fired from his teaching job--quite rightfully, as we learn--and “isn’t writing much.” As a writer, few devices irk me more than moany film characters who fancy themselves tortured scribes but produce nothing of note.

That’s strike 1.

So what else does Don do to endear his permed self to us? Act like a jerk to his already sad dad, who recently lost his wife before the bizarre and tragic death of his favorite (and we see why, based on Don’s Donness) son. “Did you know I slept with David’s fiancee?” he taunts the poor old guy over dinner. Cute. Sure, we later learn exactly what he means by thing but there IS a thing called tact, even in New England.

Strike 2.

In flashback, we discover more about Don’s dance with the supernatural...which he brought upon himself by asking a woman out for lunch immediately after kissing his own girlfriend goodbye for breakfast. Come ON dude.

I wouldn’t mind an unlikable protagonist if Ghost Story did something with it, and it kind of almost sort of does. Really all the males are weak, slightly misogynist folks, something that makes sense once the ultimate (and not too shocking) secret of their past is revealed. Perhaps there’s a deeper examination about how Ghost Story explores male entitlement, but I think such an observation is more perception than intent.

It would help if Don had ANYTHING redeeming, or if any female character did more than sleep with or comfort her man. Sure, Alice Krige wears multiple hats (though rarely much clothing) but she’s a type rather than person. The woman scorned or hungry sexpot, a symbol meant to drive the plot and look good while doing it. It doesn’t necessarily not work on all levels, but overall, it’s just impossible to care.

High Points

The first two deaths unfold with slightly dated (hello Lair of the White Worm style plummets) but still effective build-up and follow-through, particularly with the old fashioned camera trick of ghost fuzzings.

Low Points

As I’ve mentioned before in such films as The Lady In White and The Changeling, vengeful ghost stories tend to lay stagnant with me once the particulars of how to right the wrong is revealed

Lessons Learned

Never trust a woman that realllllly wants to meet your family

In order to keep your enjoyable teaching job, remember to occasionally go to school and teach

If you want your husband to live to that nice and cozy vacation he just promised you, remember to never do anything loving or sweet or that remotely demonstrates that you might have happy days still ahead

Rent/Bury/Buy

Ghost Story is a film made of its time, an odd not always comfortable mix of the 70s gothic revival and incoming sleaze of the 1980s. Aspects of that work, mostly because it includes thespian royalty. Other parts--okay, anything involving the deplorable Don--tried my patience. At 110 minutes, Ghost Story is not a quick watch, but if you’re someone who really digs, well, ghost stories, it’s certainly something worth a glance. I was personally let down, but this isn’t my genre and you know...I really hated that Don.