When Bad Seeds Blossom

It should surprise no one when I admit my undying love for The Bad Seed. After Night of the Living Dead, it was probably the first black and white film that I saw as a child and immediately declared amazing. Watching it today, The Bad Seed remains a true classic: funny and mean, psychologically complex and campy cool.

Hence, when I discovered that Patty McCormack--Rhoda Penmark herself--had starred in a 1995 horror comedy-ish film about an overprotective mother with homicidal tendencies, I was, duh, excited.

Quick Plot: McCormack plays a character IMDB lists, quite simply, as “Mommy” and though I *think* she had an actual name in the film, I didn’t write anything down and so I’m just going to pretend she’s called Rhoda 2.0. Rhoda 2.0 is a single mother to Jessica Ann (Rachel Lemieux), a pleasant little girl who often wins plaques for being just darling. This year, however, Jessica Ann’s teacher has decided to give the top honor to a needier student, and if we’ve learned anything from 1956, it’s that watching the wrong child earn a medal makes Patty McCormack angry, and trust us: you won’t like her when she’s angry.

That’s a lie of course. We loooooooove Ms. McCormack in any mood, especially when she’s not even trying to cover up the bloodlust in her giant blue eyes.

Naturally, it’s not long before the school's staff has an opening. The dreadfully miscast caretaker (who seems to pronounce every line phonetically) starts to sniff out the Rhoda 2.0 clan and Jessica Ann wonders why so many people seem to die after pissing off her mother. We get a little backstory at how Rhoda 2.0 has gone through her share of suitable husbands, an amusing tidbit that’s sadly not developed nearly enough. The current suitor is (SPOILER ALERT) a secret FBI agent who also happens to truly care about the young Jessica Ann. Toss in Jason Miller--yes, The Exorcist’s Jason Miller--as a surly head detective and B-Movie babe Brinke Stevens as a sweet aunt and you have the makings of a campy horror.

Written and directed by crime novelist Max Allan Collins, Mommy is a bad movie in the way bad movies are made to be made and cherished on a popcorn-fueled Sunday afternoon. As you can see from the extras, Patty McCormack is a fine actor capable of great and diverse work, but she’s also good-natured and dedicated enough embrace the role that made her famous for over forty years. Having mastered the sociopathic honors student onstage and screen, McCormack brings the same maniacal perfectionism to Mommy that earned her an Oscar nomination with The Bad Seed. 

Does the film do her justice? No, but her energy is almost enough to make it feel as though it did. Collins makes his directorial debut with a budget so low, its price tag nearly pops up in every shot-on-video (in 1995, no less) scene. I’m hoping the sequel--yes, there is one and worry not: it’s high on the queue--goes a little more out with the shameless kitch factor. I kind of dug some of the twistedness of Mommy’s parenting, such as how she convinces Jessica Ann to help smear the name of the late almost Mr. Penmark 2.0. 

High Points

As Jessica Ann, young actress Lemieux holds her own quite well, both in her shared scenes with McCormack and the well-delivered (if barely audible) narration

McCormack’s final line is absolutely fitting as it shows the true nature of a woman more obsessed with herself than she can possibly know

Low Points

I’m not normally one to quibble with budgetary restrictions, but a little more lighting would have, you know, allowed us to see what was actually happening in the movie

Likewise, an aggressive score is the right idea for a film of this kind of nature, but we also would rather hear the (admittedly not great) dialogue than bombastic orchestral music

Lessons Learned

When confessing your secret identity or homicidal plans to the child of a murderous psychopath, it’s probably a good idea to lower your voice

Falling four feet off a ladder will kill you


If you’re employed as a caretaker, stay the hell away from Patty McCormack

A good aunt lets you stay up late to watch Seinfeld

Rent/Bury/Buy

Mommy is a film made for a very specific audience: fans of The Bad Seed. The diehards amongst that hopefully large demographic will be happy with this DVD, a disc that includes a commentary and a warm and charming interview with Ms. McCormack (who also contributed a lot to fine The Bad Seed release). For others, it's not violent or campy enough to really merit much of anything. 

Kalifornia Dreamin'

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: one of the worst decisions a filmmaker can make is using a writer as his or her main character. Yes, there have been some more than excellent films detailing the ins and outs of penning a masterpiece, but more often than not, the very nature of the profession makes for static viewing.

Kalifornia, Dominic Sena’s 1993 serial killer road trip, is best known as the first starring role for a certain Bradley Pitt and the first of many a psychologically unstable Southern gals for Juliette Lewis. On that front, it works incredibly well. Unfortunately, that’s only half the story.

Quick Plot: Monotone writer Brian Kessler (David Duchovny) and his photographer girlfriend Carrie (Michelle Forbes) are tired of their artistically unfulfilling city existence. Brian has the bright idea to pack up their Lincoln convertible and drive to California, stopping along the way to research and explore past crime scenes of particularly vile mass murders. 

Low on cash (probably because most of their savings went to Carrie’s black leather wardrobe), the couple post an ad seeking others to share some of the gas expenses, driving duties, and a few verses of 99 Bottles of Beer On the Wall.

Who answers the call? none other than Pitt as Early, a paroled grizzly man and his subservient girlfriend Adele (Lewis, all awkward and vulnerable). The city/country (aka weirdos/Okies) juxtaposition is uncomfortable at first, but a few beers, bar fights, and hair cuts tentatively unite the quartet.

If you’ve watched the trailer or know more than three words about Kalifornia, you’re probably aware that the main hook (introduced in a chilling overhead shot about 20 minutes in). Turns out, Early is not above hacking up those that offend him, be they disrespectful landlords or thick walleted strangers at lonely rest stops. Brian and Carrie remain fairly oblivious as they cross over a few state lines, although Carrie can’t shake the feeling that Early has a past darker than her ebony shined triangular haircut. Adele, ever the innocent, refuses to see her lover’s crimes. After all, he only beats her when she deserves it.

For its first 70 minutes or so, Kalifornia is an excellent film, rife with dark possibilities. Pitt exerts a genuinely terrifying charm as a dirty and ruthless killer and for a while, it’s easy to see Brian seduced into the very lifestyle he’s researching. It’s a shame that Kalifornia doesn’t maintain its ambitions. Once Early’s true nature is revealed to Brian and Carrie, the film follows a simpler--albeit suspenseful--chase narrative and by the end, only one of the four leads experiences any real psychological journey. It’s a missed opportunity in character horror, but an exciting enough ride into serial killer territory.

High Points

Small touches of oddness, like Adele’s soft sot for cacti and Early’s hook-handed parole officer, help to give Kalifornia a pleasantly twisted atmosphere through its early scenes

While Duchovny and Forbes have the more thankless straight man roles, they equip themselves admirably. Pitt and Lewis go all out, fully encompassing the scrappy redneck within them and still managing to create real people we can fear and pity.

The first reveal of Pitt’s initial crime is incredibly effective

Low Points

It’s probably more a directorial choice than actor, but Duchovny’s sleepy narration comes off as bland and bored rather than disgusted or fascinated

As stated earlier, the fixed nature of Brian and Carrie ultimately renders Kalifornia a mere thriller as opposed to the deep character study it could have been had Sena let the couple have any room to change or embrace their dark sides

Lessons Learned

Cold weather makes people stupid

While trying to explore a stranger’s house in the hopes of documenting a murder that took place there in the past, perhaps you should bring muffins or at the very least, a smile

Taking your dirty socks off at hotel restaurant won’t endear you to yuppies

Try to avoid photographing strange hillbillies having sex, even if said lovemaking is occurring inside your own car.

Breakfast is a conspiracy put forth by the cereal company, or so many a serial killer theorizes

Rent/Bury/Buy

Kalifornia is certainly worth a watch, both for its strong performances and new cult status. It’s not a bad investment if you dig serial killer cinema, as there’s a lot to savor in Pitt’s rage and Sena’s original choices (such as setting the climax in an abandoned nuclear testing ground a decade plus before The Hills Have Eyes remake). The DVD is rather bare bones, although the short featurette is nostalgic early ‘90s cheese that will bring you back to a time when cable television filled every minute between showings with enthusiastic previews narrated by baritone voiced speakers. Some have called it a great film and though I agree it has elements of greatness, I ultimately felt let down by the film’s hesitation to allow its ‘normal’ characters to cross any lines. Comparing it to something like Se7en or even The Hitcher, it just seems a little too black and white to amount to more than its performances.

Touch Down, Doll's House Style

Break out the guacamole and beer, it’s Super Bowl Sunday! Watch grown men hug in tight tight pants! Pity well-toned cheerleaders prancing around in hopes of staying warm enough to not catch pneumonia! See millions of dollars spent on talking babies advertising websites that will probably be gone by the time Shutter Island finally premieres!

Or don't. Not a football fan? How unAmerican (literally, as who else in their right mind watches football?). Thankfully, there are alternative activities appropriate for  this February 7th, and I'm not talking about the Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl (although that is damn adorable).

Queue up the television and gear up for a non-football Sunday involving football in genre film!

The Blob 1986

One of my favorite underappreciated horror films of the ‘80s, Chuck Russell’s remake (!!!) is a must for any horror devotee. Original gore, surprising kills, and a genuine spirit of fun makes this 1988 film (with a script co-written by some Stephen King fan named Frank Darabont) rewarding viewing for any day...particularly if you’re not a fan of football.

The Blob doesn’t do much with the sport, but one of its best twists revolves around its assumed Big Man On Campus hero, a nice young man in a letter jacket who seems poised to save the cheerleader and annihilate the giant thickened liquid devouring its way through local diners and movie theaters. He’s handsome in that bland kind of high school way but, as his premature fate proves, dude's got nothing on Kevin Dillon’s fabulously mulleted badboy. Consider this soon-to-be-remade-again classic a touchdown for outsiders harnessing death wishes on wedgie making jocks.

The Running Man

True, there’s never a wrong time to pop in this 1987 Arnold Schwarzenegger gem. Between the kickass action, colorful villains (where else have you seen a homicidal opera singer dressed like Lite Brite?) brilliant dialogue (“I’ll be back!” “Only in a rerun.”), and ahead of its time satire, Paul Michael Glaser gives Stephen King--excuse me, Richard Bachman--a worthy adaptation of fun and violent goofiness. 

In 20 years, this is probably the kind of show that would air immediately after the big game, and I for one would be far more thrilled to sit through Jesse Ventura’s Captain Freedom punching a neon spandex-wearing muscle man than a special guest star clogged episode of Friends. And hey, with two politicians playing lead roles, what could be more American. Still not sold on its pigskin pedigree? What if I told you the reigning champion of The Running Man (the game, not the movie) was former Cleveland Browns star Jim Brown? And his character is named Fireball? Because his weapon of choice is a flamethrower? Plus, there's hockey for the Canadians, classical music for the cultured, and Richard Dawson for the elderly fans of Family Feud. Everybody's a winner (except for most of the cast, who die)!

The Faculty

Looking past the somewhat dated CGI, Robert Rodriguez’s hybrid high school sci-fi/horror is arguably one of the best--or at least, freshest--genre films of the 1990s. Take a Dawson’s Creek ready cast of walking teenage archetypes, sprinkle in some killer cameos (Salma Hayek, Jon Stewart, Piper Laurie, to name a few) and inject some Invasion of the Body Snatchers style  and you get a successful mash-up of homage and new horror. 

But what makes this soft R-Rated 1998 flick worth your Super Bowl Sunday? Did you hear the part where I mentioned it’s set in high school? And let me add, a small town. If films and television have taught us anything, it’s that any middle America hamlet is required to devote half its budget and much of its glory to football. The Faculty has a lot of fun with this, cheekily showing the benefit of a close-contact game when you’re trying to take over the world with an easily transmitted alien virus. Shawn Hatosy‘s star quarterback even gets a poignant identity crisis storyline, but it’s ultimately Robert Patrick who makes this a film to replace the first two quarters  you were planning on devoting to the Saints & Colts. Strict sports coaches can be a scary thing--I’ve seen Freddy’s Revenge--but only the T-1000 himself can succeed at being so coldly menacing while wearing a pair of unflattering gym shorts.

Play Zombies Ate My Neighbors

Granted, this one takes a little nostalgic pack-rackism on your part, but if you've saved that dusty Super Nintendo system and more importantly, this superbly fantastic game, you've got an entire Sunday of pure bliss staring at you in 16 bit graphics. 

The story is simple: a small town with an abundance of water pistols, beaches, Egyptian musuems, castles, shopping malls, hedge mazes, and toxic waste dumps has been invaded by a whole lot of classic movie monsters (including, but not limited to mummies, vampires, werewolves, axe-throwing dolls, clones, Tremors, 50' tall babies, spiders, giant ants, Martians, blobs, and of course, the titular undead). Your job? Save as many civilians as you can. As cheerleaders are worth the most points, Zombies Ate My Neighbors is more than fitting for Super Bowl Day, especially since one level is set on a football field where your character must dodge fast gliding quarterbacks to grab the bouncing blond. 

So good luck to the betting men and women out there, go Colts if you're a Colts fan, Saints if you're a Saints fan, and godaddy.com if you're a daddy dot com. Otherwise, happy sort-of genre film football day to all!

It's the Apocalypse, Charlie Brown!

Has there ever been a more misleading titled film than A Boy and His Dog? This 1975 post-apocalypse tale (based on a short story by Harlan Ellison) may call to mind images of My Dog Skip, but it has far more in common with Logan's Run, The Road and Big Fish.

If that seems like an odd combo, then you're just getting started with this weirdly wonderful little cult film. With a cast led by Don Johnson (!) and the mutt that played Tiger during the first season of The Brady Bunch (!!!!!!), L.Q. Jones'  A Boy and His Dog is original, haunting, and sometimes, just darn adorable.

Quick Plot: In 2024, the nation is recovering (well, not really) from World War IV, a five day nuclear skirmish that followed the 20+ World War III. Food is scarce, but fertile women are even harder to find, a troubling fact for our 18 year old hero Vic (Johnson).

Luckily enough, Vic (aka Albert) is blessed with the world’s best travel companion: Blood, a collie mix who can communicate (in a wry and engaging voiceover by Tim McIntire) via telepathy from some fancy futuristic genetic experimentation. The details are fuzzier than a dog’s tail, but we buy it because hey: it sure beats the eerie puppet mouth action in Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

Boy & Dog explore the dusty deserts without much aim, stopping occasionally to swipe some canned goods from lavish slave brigades or watch some decaying film reels at underground movie theaters reminiscent of 1970s 42nd St. coated in 9/11 dust. It’s here where our plot picks up, as Blood sniffs out an incognito female Quila (Susanne Benton) and Vic readies his guns...

...because a shootout follows. 

Although he’s expecting resistance, Vic quickly discovers Quilla isn’t the blushing maiden he’s so accustomed to raping. Somewhat intrigued by her eagerness, Vic is surprised at how hurt and angry he feels when she slips away to return home.

And what a home it is. Hidden underneath the barren wasteland of earth is “Topeka,” an artificially maintained biosphere ruled by “The Committee” of middle-aged mime-faced bureaucrats with painted smiles masking utter apathy. Executions are handed out to blankly accepting townfolk and a gigantic good ol’ boy android maintains security. Our young buck is dressed in flannel and overalls and given a special duty I won’t spoil here (although Netflix’s general description does, so for that I sentence them to the farm). Needless to say, post apocalyptic polygamy isn’t quite the blast it might appear.

A Boy and His Dog is a strange, oddly paced cult favorite that does a whole lot of interesting things in its surprisingly dense 90 minute running time. From a gritty opening landscape to the truly bizarre Topeka, it creates a new type of dystopia that’s simultaneously familiar and like nothing you've really seen. 

Perhaps what really makes Jones' film so memorable is how well it juxtaposes the tragedy of our world’s death with a playfully macabre sense of humor. VIc isn’t a nice guy--his main motivations are rape and canned goods--but Don Johnson makes him likable in a scrappy and believable way, while Tiger and McIntire succeed together at creating an actual character out of what could easily have been a cute gimmick onscreen.

I unfortunately have not read much Ellison, although I did have the pleasure of seeing him in person at a sci-fi convention about ten years ago (that’s right; I was this nerdy as a teen). Although he had mixed emotions on this adaptation,* his wry touch is felt thoughout A Boy and His Dog. That's a very good thing.

High Points

Typically, the “special appearance by” credit irks me, but if there’s one word that adequately describes Jason Robards in mime makeup, it’s special

As a former dog walker, I know that many canines don’t appreciate the high pitched “here, puppy puppy” soprano employed by eager pet lovers. Hence, the moment Quilla lapses into baby talk to lure Blood into her good graces, I laughed out loud both at the ridiculous of the situation and Blood’s amusingly dry response.

The ending, right down to the controversial pun*, feels so surprisingly right for our main characters and the world they inhabit

Low Points

The “Screamers” are a menacing and unseen presence and I don’t mind their mystery, but it also feels as though there's a whole narrative to this apocalypse we never get to know

While everything about Topeka was creepy in a bizarrely broken and forced kind of way, the min-revolution seemed rushed and poorly explained. We can infer that Quilla’s charms went fairly far, but the inclusion of two other challengers of the system felt more convenient than organic.

Lessons Learned

Always trust your dog when it comes to judging character

Being under the control of a manic slave driver isn’t fun, but stealing from one is surprisingly stress-free

Movie theater popcorn will never go out of style

Calla lilies make an elegant and surprisingly convenient wedding bouquet, particularly when you need to conceal a crow bar but don’t want to clash

****SPOILER TERRITORY***

Due to the treatment of women by Vic and the film’s final line (one of Ellison’s biggest quibbles with the changes), some have accused A Boy and His Dog of being misogynist. While there are no admirable female characters, all of the men are equally simple or morally bereft. Quilla is a nasty and devious creation, but she’s no better or worse than Robards’ totalitarian secretary or Vic’s ambivalent rapist And hey, I’d rather see a female antagonist make use of her sexuality for a masterly plotted plan than sit back and have it help her without her own consent.

***** Thus End'th Spoiler Rant****

Rent/Bury/Buy

This is a must-see for any post-apocalyptic afficionado, and a strangely entertaining treat for general sci-fi and cult movie fans. I can’t speak for the DVD as Netflix is currently offering this as an Instant Watch, but from what I’ve read on Amazon, it currently has a disappointingly bare bones release. While I heartily endorse a viewing, it may be in your best interest to take advantage of the free streaming and keep a look out for a hopefully upgraded edition in the future. 

Michael C. Hall Can Breach My Firewall Any Day...Especially February 1st

In honor of Michael C. Hall’s Groundhog’s Day’s Eve birthday, I give you my review of Gamer.

Oh. Are you wondering why I know that Dexter Morgan’s less sociopathic half will be eating cake tonight? Aside from the fact that I happen to be his casual stalker, I’m also his birthday buddy. So balloons and bawdy movies for all!

Quick Plot: In the near future, gaming has reached new levels of depraved reality. Remember the controversy of those Easter egg codes that let your Grand Theft Auto alter ego do more things to hoes than just punch them in the face? Pfff, that’s as antiquated as Paper Boy bicycle accidents on Gameboy ’89.

The current trend to gluttonously devour bourgeoisie leisure time is Society, the next-level Sim City wherein players can control the motor functions of real-life avatars wandering a neon-hued candyland of vice. What’s better than being a sweaty 300+ pounder of sweat and sin vicariously living through Amber Valleta (who just happens to use the same hair dresser as Milla Jovovich, circa The 5th Element)? Oh, there’s something.

How about using that same technology for a Running Man/The Condemned game, with graphics that make Metal Gear Solid look like Atari? Slayers takes death row inmates (convenient that there’s always a bunch of those guys lying around for these kinds of dystopian action romps, eh?) and puts them in life-or-death battles. Like Society, each “Slayer” has some fancy chipwork in his brain that allows human gamers to direct their bodies to point and shoot. What makes Slayers such a hit is the caveat that each man can actually be killed midst game.

Stepping into Jason Statham’s well-used shoes is Gerard Butler as John Tilman, aka Kable in the Slayer universe. Having survived 27 battles, Tilman is just three games away from winning his freedom and reuniting with his token wife and daughter. His puppet master is a spoiled rich kid Simon (well-played by Logan Lerman) who's slowly developing a conscience as a group of punk rebels plot to tear down the system of mind-controlled gaming.

Makes perfect sense, right? All this is the dream child of Michael C. Hall’s Ken Castle, a Steve Jobs-like genius with a silver tongue and smooth soft shoe. And naturally, a hazy set of morals that allows Gamer to summon a mean and manic spirit.

Written and directed by the Crank team of  Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, Gamer is a wacky ride into videogame hell. Like The Running Man, it’s a film built on an intriguing and intelligent concept that mixes morality with media, but unlike something like Total Recall, it doesn’t quite master the balance. There are some clever moments of satire sprinkled throughout, but once Ludacris’s real-world crusaders take over the ethics debate with vague statements about humanity, Gamer loses a bit of its edge. 

But you probably won’t rent Gamer for its political or social agenda, especially if you picked it up based on Neveldine and Taylor’s pedigree. As an action film, Gamer is decent enough, depending on your taste buds for fast cuts and hyperactive visuals. Butler imbues his hero with a sympathetic growl and believable edge, but but following him through the grainy war scenes or epilepsy-inducing rave rooms feels a little too, well, video game-ish for my sensibilities. Obviously, this is probably the point and not necessarily a general criticism. It’s just not my style.

Similarly, the virtual reality (to the extreme!) themes are explored in rather neat ways, even if the film doesn’t really have the time to deal with their possibilities. Yes, we’ve seen this story in The Matrix and other tales, but Gamer has a lot of fun with its premise, both for the serious-minding sci-fi fans and the action audience in need of a few good shootouts. 

High Points

Rhymes with Cycle Hee Mall. Granted, I’ve been a fan of his work since his complex David Fisher slowly learned to accept himself on Six Feet Under, but it’s truly a blast to see Hall get to have so much fun with a role he makes his own. Plus, dance moves!

Although a whole film set in Society would give me a sugar-rushed headache, the depiction of this world was rather innovative. Watching Amber Valleta blankly wade through an artificial landscape--her body knowing who she is but all motor functions betraying her--is fascinating and haunting.

Low Points

As someone with less skill at modern videogames than an arthritic senior citizen, I’m probably biased, but the fast edit game style action sequences simply felt a tad too jumbled for my senses to ever grip onto

The underground freedom fighters seem more like an easy connecting plot device than fully realized revolutionaries

Lessons Learned

Pistachio butter exists and it is awesome

Stockholders, take note: Best Buy will be in business for a long time

In the near future, the FCC will loosen regulations on language and cigarette use in primetime news

Rent/Bury/Buy

This is one of the few films reviewed here that people I actually speak to (in the real world) have seen, and of those flesh-and-blood breathers, none haven’t enjoyed Gamer. My main quibbles probably stem from my general lack of video game experience, but Gamer is a treat, particularly if you enjoy these kinds of media-centered action movies infused with a dose of sci-fi intelligence. The DVD includes an extensive featurette , crowded commentary, and a few more goodies that diehard fans will have fun with. Gamer is a little too light and muddled to be a future classic, but there’s a lot here to enjoy. 


Namely, this: