When You Marry Into a Golem Family

There's a certain kind of new horror film, particularly the kind released on Shudder, that seems to activate the fan community to immediate battle. "It's SO good!" tweets one side, while the exes back with "a waste of time." 

Naturally, these are the movies I feel most compelled to jump into. WHICH SIDE WILL I FALL ON?

Let's see where Oddity lands me.

Quick Plot: Dr. Ted Timmins has moved his wife Dani to an isolated fixer upper where the nearest landmark is the asylum he heads. One evening, with Ted at work, a strange man named Olin sporting one glass eye (and one that's not made of glass, in case that wasn't clear) approaches Dani's door to warn that someone is in the house. Like most sane people, Dani isn't eager to trust the man she (righly) suspects of being her husband's mental patient into her home. But it does seem like there are knocks coming from downstairs...

We don't see what happens just then, but we quickly learn that was a very bad night for Mrs. Timmins. She was found dead, with Olin convicted of her murder and sentenced back to the same asylum where he later met his own brutal death. Ted does the husbandly duty of bringing Olin's glass eye to his twin sister-in-law Darcy, a blind clairvoyant with poor social skills. She takes him up on his polite, poorly defined invitation for dinner by showing up at his home on the anniversary of Dani's death. 

It's the kind of day that would normally be reserved for remembrance, but Ted has moved on and his new girlfriend Yana moved in. Darcy ignores the not-so-obvious social cues and insists on staying the night, even though Ted has to go back to work. Yana's keys have mysteriously disappeared just as Darcy's special delivery arrived so it's ladies night at the murder house.

Well, there is the golem. 

Yana is hardly the most likable woman in Ireland, but anyone can sympathize with the horrors of entertaining a kooky psychic sister of your boyfriend's dead wife lugging a human-sized wooden man with holes in his lead full of blood vials and teeth. I won't go too much further in detailing the story of Oddity, but it progresses in both strange and shockingly normal ways. 

Written and directed by Caveat's Damian McCarthy, Oddity is a sharply made genre film that looks and sounds quite good. Ted's asylum is hauntingly lit, while the strangely laid out country home always feels slightly wrong. The performances are top notch and the score keeps the mood just right.

So which team did that put me on? Like many a polarizing new horror film, I find myself ultimately sitting on the sidelines. Oddity is good. It's a story that feels somewhat new, but quickly becomes a bit predictable, right down to the final shot. I don't know where else it really could have gone, but there was something missing by the time I reached the end. It's possible that I was too intrigued by Carolyn Bracken's Darcy and simply wanted more. Made for a low budget, Oddity is the kind of film that certainly makes me say, "can't wait to see what this guy can do with more resources." I guess I hope those include something more ambitious?

High Points

As much as I may be complaining about the smallness of Oddity, there is a very impressive tightness to the storytelling. By the time you reach the end, you realize that virtually EVERY piece of it --both physical props and throwaway lines of dialogue -- had some kind of meaning to tie everything together. You know what? I think I liked this movie more than I first thought

Low Points

While I like where Oddity takes Yancy in the end, I do find myself wanting a little more. Then again, I've said that about all the women in this film so maybe that was one of the keys I found missing 

Lessons Learned

Who needs security cameras when you can curse your inventory?

The more poorly run an asylum, the less questions asked

Always keep a charcuterie board ready, even (or especially) if you live in a remote with few chances of visitors

Rent/Bury/Buy

I liked Oddity, but definitely wanted more out of that. That being said, as I sit back and reflect on it, I'm realizing that McCarthy is a very skillful filmmaker. I'll certainly check out Caveat one of these days, and keep an eye on his future. 

A Dream Is a Wish Your Tapeworm Makes

There's a reckoning every elder millennial must make with the fact that a giant chunk of her childhood entertainment celebrated physical beauty above all else. We've all had our deep revisionist Barbie era, but if you, like me, were in part raised by clamshell VHS cases containing animated Disney fairy tales, it's sometimes jarring to realize just how many of these stories hinged on the gorgeous girl getting her (often) silent man.

Cinderella is one of the worst offenders. Yes, our heroine is at least nice (we know this because animals like her) but the way that film juices every ounce of ickiness out of its physically less appealing villainesses is, to a 21st century eyeball, kind of gross.

So bring on the revisionist horror adaptations!  

Quick Plot: Elvira (the wonderful Lea Myren) is your typical awkward teen girl, fishing chocolate out of her braces and fantasizing a poetry-filled life with Germany's most eligible bachelor: Prince Julian. Her prospects seem to improve when her widowed mother Rebekka marries a baron, but the celebration is short-lived. Not only does the groom die before digesting his own wedding cake, but his beautiful daughter Agnes quickly reveals that their household like Elvira's, is broke. 

Rebekka despairs, but Elvira sees opportunity when the prince announces an upcoming ball to choose his bride. Surely some charm school, a little nose job, and a quick round of orthodontic work can take her to the crown?

If you thought dieting was rough in your lifetime, imagine how much worse it was a few hundred years earlier. Tapeworms crawled so Ozempic could run.

Elvira works hard to transform her awkwardness into a conventional beauty, losing as much weight as she does hair and even more of her very own soul. Younger sister Alma watches in horror, hiding her own menstruation to stay as far away from balls and betrothments as possible. With her blond hair and perfect face, Agnes is assumed to be the most likely princess but her secret tryst with the stable boy sends her down to the bottom of the social pile. 

With less competition and a newly thin physique, Elvira inches closer to winning the prince. But Agnes still has a fairy godmother, magical pumpkin, and friendly silkworm tailors to steal the day.

The Ugly Stepsister is the debut of Norwegian filmmaker Emilie Blichfeldt, and what a statement it makes. To make your first film as a period fairy tale with body horror elements no one has ever seen before is quite a swing, and Blichfeldt is positively roaring with technique. She's aided by incredible photography and costuming, making The Ugly Stepsister feel as rich as something like Marie Antoinette. 

Bilchfeldt has also written an appropriately wicked script. It's hard to not draw comparisons to Coralie Farget's The Substance, another deeply female-driven flipped fairy tale about just how horrific it is to internalize society's arbitrary and impossible beauty standards. Like The Substance, The Ugly Stepsister is aggressively visceral with a dark sense of humor about how far women will go to reach their ideal. 

I really enjoyed The Ugly Stepsister whilst watching, but a few days later, I find myself loving it. There's a lot to ponder in terms of its themes, which seem easy on the basic level but are far more complex the more you dig. And along the way, we get absolutely vile body horror from a female lens. It's exactly my kind of movie. 

High Points

I won't spoil it, but by golly did I find Elvira and Alma's ending to be satisfying

Low Points

And here I will SPOIL, so skip until you've watched:

It's only in the final moments that I came to truly understand the real villain of the piece. Maybe this will be clearer on (an almost guaranteed) second viewing, but it's ultimately Rebekka who seems to take on the bulk of responsibility for the terrible things Elvira puts herself through. The freedom Elvira and Alma ultimately find in living poor lives as happy hags (I say this with extreme affection) is something they have to grab away from this woman who has forced them to follow the same hateful doctrine she has modeled her own unhappy, if aesthetically pleasing life upon. Sure, Julian and his royal friends are shallow jerks for how they view woman, but to do the same from the inside like Rebekka is something much, much worse. I think there's a way to watch The Ugly Stepsister with this in mind and find a richer experience. We'll see next time.

Lessons Learned

There's no better consolation than chocolate

If you're marrying for money, check your intended's bank account before putting on that ring

Rotting barn corpses are fertile breeding grounds for fairy godmothers

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Ugly Stepsister isn't a complete masterpiece, but it's an incredible debut, and one that makes me wildly excited for Emilie Blichfeldt's future. This is such a rich, gross, funny, and gloriously twisted tale that it's an immediate recommend. Find it on Shudder and live happily ever after.

We're Gonna Need a Bigger Lawn

Parody is easy to do, and very difficult to do well. Not every songwriter can be Weird Al, and not every The Fast & the Furious spoof can reach the glorious heights of Superfast!

Seriously, trust me on this one.

Today's film is an unusual entry in the '80s horror canon: a straight-out remake of Jaws by way of a golf course being terrorized by a lawn mower. No, it doesn't reach the heights of Eat It, but you know what? 

This is something special.

Quick Plot: Two horny teenagers sneak away from their friends' bonfire to make out in the fields of Tall Grass Country Club, only to discover there are things far scarier than STDs. Cue the credits as done in the POV style of Police Squad but as, you guessed it, a killer lawnmower. 

It's business as usual at Tall Grass, even after a dues-paying member is slaughtered in a similarly mysterious manner. Golf trainers Kelly and Roy (nothing coincidental about that name) are suspicious, especially after Mal the caddy also turns up in pieces. Still, there's a golf tournament to be played and the mayor--er, property owner--is not to be dissuaded. The show must go on. 

Blades is a silly, silly movie. Mal's widow shows up in full Mrs. Kintner drag to slap Roy. When a wayward lawnmower is discovered and thought to be the killer, there's a glorious shot of the proud hunters hanging the bag high and slicing it to reveal...leaves, nothing but leaves. Which means THE KILLER IS STILL OUT THERE.

And yes, the killer is a lawnmower. If Blades has a flaw, it's that we never really get much insight into just why such a machine would choose this moment to hack its way through this stuffy rich community, though the fact that our victims are mostly rich white jerks might in itself be a justifiable motivation. 

There is nothing overly grand about Blades. It's fully aware of its own stupidity and absolutely dedicated to being pure entertainment. Considering all of the unofficial Jaws knockoffs--everything from sue-able Orca to transferring the threat to Piranha--the fact that director Thomas R. Rondinella cleverly moved the formula to something as dumb, but genuinely violent as a sentient lawnmower is in itself something special. That his film is backed up by earnest performances and a true understanding of Jaws's key moments really lets this hit home. 

High Points

There's almost a Simpsons-esque aura around the idiotic townspeople who can't listen to a word of reason without breaking down into a violent mob. With our rightly leads playing their drama straight, the utter silliness of the supporting characters keeps Blades somehow perfectly balanced. And yes, I'm saying all of this about a Jaws parody starring a killer lawnmower

Low Points

It might be unfair to compare the then-novel Blades to another 40 years of Jaws parody, but it does feel a tad disappointing for a blatant parody to not always cash in on the best moments. Where's our chalkboard scrape, our singalong-gone-wrong? Picky, I know. But there are only so many Jaws parodies about killer lawnmowers, and I want each one to be all it can be

Lessons Learned

You know it's bad when the 19-year-old EMT says it's the worst he's ever seen

Being a caddy and naming your dog Caddy is a life choice rife for confusion

Once formed, bad habits are hard to break

Rent/Bury/Buy

Blades is good dumb fun, and perfect for the lighter summer season. Oddly enough, its current home is Peacock. Have a good time.