Gravitron > Delorean

 

When the plot of Totally Killer was announced, much of the horror internet was aghast at just how similar it compared to The Final Girls (a film I love dearly). Such coincidences happen, and it helps no one to harp on the similarities when you have the freedom to, you know, sit back and enjoy good movies. 

Quick Plot: In 1987, a trio of high schoolers were brutally murdered by the Sweet Sixteen Killer. By 2023, the crime remains unsolved in the small town of Vernon, which now celebrates some of its notoriety with true crime podcasts and walking tours. 

16-year-old Jamie Hughes is your typical sullen suburbanite. Her life is quickly turned upside down when mom Pam is stabbed to death by a mysterious figure sporting the same mask popularized by the same man who slayed her three best friends. Jamie is inconsolable, especially after the killer hunts her down. The only escape? Her best friend Amelia's time machine prototype, which promptly sends her from school science fair to 1987.

Armed with 36 years of knowledge about the future, Jamie attempts to prevent the murders. Along the way, she befriends Amelia's genius mom Lauren, her own high school principal, bullying gym teacher, and Vernon's version of the Heathers (in this case, Mollys) headed by a sniping Pam. 

Thankfully, Back to the Future is still fresh in most of the young people's memories, while others are easily convinced that Jamie's psychic powers are up there with Miss Cleo. Still, solving a crime before and while it's happening proves to be much harder than Jamie anticipates, especially when she also has to contend with messing up her parents' delayed courtship and getting home before her cell phone battery dies. 

Let's deal with the elephant in the room first: no, Totally Killer is not on the same level as The Final Girls, a movie that charms you with its cleverness than shoves itself down your throat to tear your heart apart with some of the most emotional mother/daughter relationship drama I've ever seen in on film, let alone a horror comedy sold on a meta gimmick. The Final Girls is a masterpiece. Totally Killer is totally fun.

Directed by Nahnatchka Khan, Totally Killer finds its horror comedy tone immediately. Aces like Julie Bowen help tremendously, and Kiernan Shipka serves as the right north star through both the light and heavy. Marty McFly references aside, Totally Killer has a certain Scream-quality in its blend that respects the fact that young people are being murdered as tragedy while finding humor around its corners.

High Points

A growing trend I love in cinema about young people is how it's managed to maintain some of its high school character tropes (mean girl, nerd, and so on) but takes just enough time to make them human along the way. Jamie is quick to call out the many behaviors of her mom's era that are problematic to her 21st century eyes, but there's a sense of believability about the way they interact that's both funny and somewhat honest

Low Points

I can't necessarily pinpoint what needed to be cut, but overall, Totally Killer just feels a tad too long, as if a few scenes just have to hold on to throw out an extra, unnecessary joke

Lessons Learned

Gen-Z does not knock

You can't try to invent time travel without the full expectation that you'll meet people from the future

You don't observe Halloween in the manufacturing industry

Rent/Bury/Buy

Totally Killer is streaming on Amazon, and it's a joyful little way to spend 100 minutes. Have at it.

Is It Camp?

 

We can't let summer end without visiting camp! Even a terribly run, cheaply funded one! (or maybe, ESPECIALLY a terribly run and cheaply funded one)

Quick Plot: Doing some backwards math, our story begins around a campfire in 1987, when a few counselors tell slasher stories about burn victim-groundskeeper-turned-murderer Warren Copper, only for one (or maybe more?) to quickly be hacked up to bits. Now 1991, the camp is once again host to tragedy when young camper Mason dies on a hike. 

Don't ask me how, as the film never actually explains it. 

Mysterious dead Mason is none other than Mason Copper, son of Warren, who, UNDERSTANDABLY, doesn't take things well. Camp director Linnea Krug is adamant that the show will go on, since Camp Silverlake was founded by her father (a painted cameo by the great Tom Atkisn) and they have, apparently, weathered MANY such disasters over their decades in business. 

No, we don't get any more details, and yes, we are essentially led to believe that this camp has a higher body count than the state of New Jersey. Don't think too hard about it because two scenes later, Krug returns to explain how this IS the end of Camp Silverlake, which has been sold to developers. The remaining young staff must pack it all up and end their summer early.

As night falls, the counselors laze around the incredibly disgusting pool, lining themselves up for an axe attack by a mysterious masked man. Final girl-in-the-making Lexi must also contend with her own inner demons, as a few years earlier, her little brother was killed under her watch.

Again, I think? Final Summer isn't what you'd call a detail-oriented film. Written, directed, and (most unfortunately) shot by John Isberg, it desperately wants to evoke Friday the 13th vibes. The slasher spirit is strong, and the refreshingly diverse young cast is sufficiently dumb to be slaughtered quickly.

And yet somehow, despite barely nudging over the 80 minute mark, Final Summer seems to go on forever. Part of it might be viewer exhaustion in trying to decipher what they're seeing (both from a story point of view and a 'what is actually going on here?' one). Motives are fuzzy, death scenes cut oddly, and character choices continuously escalate in their stupidity. 

It's not good. That being said, Final Summer is clearly made with enthusiasm. The young cast varies in skill, but some show nice sparks of charisma under fairly dull writing. The pacing is weird, but also generally fast, with a few decently executed bursts of violence (usually followed by characters making incredibly dumb decisions). This won't particularly satisfy most horror fans, but at least it feels like it was made by one.

High Points

There's a fun sequence right as the carnage begins where the whole group of counselors approach the killer, unaware of its identity or plans, that almost called to mind The Burning in its burst of fast kills. It's far, far away from The Burning, but I appreciate the somewhat fresh approach 

Low Points

I was fine with the rather silly, but also inevitable climax reveal, but then this 82 minute movie had the nerve to keep going, tossing in a completely undefined continuation that made less sense, and THEN, a post-credits teaser for goodness sake

Lessons Learned

A trophy is not necessarily the one-shot weapon you expect it to be

Once your identity is revealed, you could save a lot of aggravation by NOT wearing your slasher mask that impedes peripheral vision

The last day of camp is the perfect time to ruin a friendship

Rent/Bury/Buy

If you're desperately craving a camp-set slasher and have run through the okay to good ones, Final Summer is probably near the top of the not good pile. It's on Amazon Prime for those that just can't resist.

Night of the Senior Living

 

Following the string of hot but horrible twentysomethings-in-terror movies I've watched as of late, nothing was more welcome than a story about seniors. Sadly the selection is slim, but thankfully, also very mighty. 

Quick Plot: Retired ballet instructor Judith (the always splendid Barbara Hershey) celebrates her 70th birthday surrounded by family and former students, happily embracing her golden years only to collapse. Though mentally and physically fit, Parkinson's is beginning to take a toll, leaving the widowed Judith to book herself new residency at a senior living facility.

Her distant daughter supports the move, though teen grandson Josh is devastated. Judith practically raised the boy, and their connection runs deep. 

At first, Judith's new digs seem less than ideal, but livable. Her roommate is nearly catatonic, but a pleasant nurse helps lead her to the in-crowd: sassy Ruth (the late Fran Bennett) and Trish (The Taking of Deborah Logan's Jill Larson), and catch of the nursing home, Roland (my silver fox Bruce Davison). Much like a college theater department, an available, viable straight male probably does well in a nursing home environment. 

It's not quite enough to please Judith, especially as residents seem to start dying off in rapid succession. Judith begins to have wild incidences at night, brushed off as nightmares that can be cured with sedatives by the staff. Even her beloved Josh has a hard time believing her when the facility's doctor shows evidence of Judith's own health declining.

This being a horror movie, we all side with Judith, and it's nearly impossible not to with Hershey's performance. How divine to see an actor like her in this role. Judith is, and the script acknowledges, far more spry than most of her age bracket, but this is still a story that embraces what it means to age. 

The Manor is written and directed by Axelle Carolyn, someone who has steadily been building a career in the genre. I haven't loved some of her output (her flashback episode of The Haunting of Bly Manor felt like a big tonal misfire) but The Manor is genuinely excellent, and a hugely exciting sign of what she can do. Despite being about senior citizens, it feels incredibly fresh in its approach and deeply satisfying in execution. What a pleasure. 

High Points

I won't spoil the delicious ending, but it was incredibly satisfying in a way I didn't see coming

Low Points

The Manor has a very small scale, which makes sense once you understand it was part of Amazon's "Welcome to the Blumhouse" series. Much like Hulu's Into the Dark, these are lower-budget, shorter running length films. I get the sense that The Manor could have been even more effective in terms of its gothic tone with a few more bucks behind it

Lessons Learned

I'm a cat person and can't imagine life without the feline monsters, but maybe, just MAYBE, they're not the best animals to have on staff at a nursing home

One must earn the ability to use bad language

No one can live long enough to deserve the horrors of a children's choir

Rent/Bury/Buy

At a spry 90 minutes, The Manor is the perfect Sunday morning spooky watch. It won't necessarily give you nightmares, but it taps into something very deep regarding aging, while also maintaining a grand sense of fun. Have a watch on Amazon Prime. 

Sundowning

 

Sometimes you just really need to watch zombies eat people. 

Thus do you discover a 2013 star-studded Asylum Studios movie made for the SyFy Channel.

Quick Plot: The dead have risen on a warm evening in suburban California. Patrick Johnson (Anthony Michael Hall!) is trying to get his daughter Tracie and her pal Rachel over to his neighbors' panic room, but a detour leaves them trapped in a cemetery. Back home, wife Birdy (Daryl Hannah!) is struggling to stay calm with her dementia-ridden mom (Shirley Jones!). Their neighbors, the Maddens, are dealing with interior conflicts, stirring up dad Joseph's worst instincts involving the non-American help. 

Yes, much like owning a yacht, the rules of cinema tell us that a homeowner with a panic room is probably a wealthy, racist jerk, and that's the case here. That would be Joseph Madden (Alan Ruck!), who locks his superstitious housekeeper inside and moves his wife and sons to safety.

Elsewhere in town, Officer Lopez does a terrible job of not saving anybody. 

Welcome to Zombie Night! Directed by Feast's John Gulager (son of genre royalty Clu), Zombie Night is one of those mid-tier Asylum movies. Not a mockbuster, not an entry level CGI tale of random monster words mashed together, but an original(ish) story with modest ambition and an even more humble budget. 

It's passable. 

I grew up in the heyday of video store zombie scavenging, which (de)volved into very cheaply shot made-for-video-store-zombie-obsessed scavengers. At a certain point, anyone with a camera (and eventually just smartphone) could make and even sell their response to Diary of the Dead. I say all this to justify why Zombie Night, for me, a 42-year-old lifelong horror fan with an abundantly rich access to the catalog, is perfectly fine. 

Reviews of this movie are not kind. Maybe those writers came in with higher expectations based on the cast, or a chip on their shoulder because of the studio association. I'm not here to tell you that Zombie Night is a hidden gem or anything worth your full attention for 85 minutes. But it moves quickly, looks fine, and kept me mildly entertained. 

High Points

Nobody is swinging for an Oscar here, but by golly does it make a difference when a movie, no matter how little ambition it has, casts professionals who know their way around a set

Low Points

I welcome zombie movies finding new tics to their version of the undead, but Zombie Night's ending throws a random fact about the monsters that comes out of nowhere and feels not just dumb, but like something that we should have been told 85 minutes earlier in order to have a better understanding of the stakes. Maybe I'm holding the screenplay to an Asylum studio movie to a bit too high a standard?

Lessons Learned

If you can see it, you can sew it! 

All men, aside from Anthony Michael Hall, are rats

Never put a talking toy inside a casket

Rent/Bury/Buy

If you were to go by the reviews on IMDB, Zombie Night is the Plan 9 From Outer Space of the aughts. Its 3.5/10 rating is .2 worse than Death Count, WHICH IS A VERY BAD MOVIE. Zombie Night is not worse than Death Count. It's a perfectly passable cable horror movie that gets its minimum wage job done. Nobody needs to watch it, but if you're desperately seeking the undead, it's a watchable option.