The Sisterhood of the Murdering Pants

There is no such thing as a bad concept for a horror film. A killer bed movie is just as valid in theory as a haunted VHS tape. It all comes down to execution and what's being done with said inanimate object of terror.

Yes, Slaxx is the killer pants movie. Allow me to slip into the changing room and see how it fits.

Quick Plot: Libby is living the millennial dream with her new highly coveted job: stocking the flagship Canadian Cotton Clothiers (CCC) store overnight for the grand launch of Super Shapers, an innovative design of jeans that will automatically adapt to your body for the most flattering fit. Plus, CCC helps you feel good about shopping! They're ethically sourced, non-GMO produced, and all the other buzzwords you've heard used on any company that advertises via podcasts.

As always, there's a drawback, and in this case, it's more than a $100+ price tag. The jeans, well, you know...want to wrap themselves around your torso and rip you in half.

But like, they're REALLY flattering to all body types!

At just 77 minutes long, Slaxx is incredibly self-aware about what it needs to do and what it should avoid. This is a killer pants movie. There are expectations.

I'm being fairly serious. You don't make a horror film out of such a silly concept unless you have a real plan, and it's clear from her self-assured direction that Elza Kephart and cowriter Patricia Gomez understood exactly how far to go on all counts. This is definitely a horror comedy, and one with some not-so-subtle satire fully loaded in each thread.

I'm not nearly as well-versed or responsible about it as I'd like to be, but fast fashion is a real issue in terms of its environmental footprint (or stomping, as it were) and morality of where these super low-priced and fast-shipped pieces that fall apart after two washes come from. I have no problem in the least with Slaxx tackling it.

Thankfully, Slaxx knows that homicidal bottoms are going to be silly, and the film has plenty of fun with the absurdity of its premise. But mixed in is, I kid you know, a real human story about the things we look past in order to look good.

Also, and perhaps more importantly to a lot of viewers: it's good! The cast has pop, the settings is so terrifyingly American Apparel that it hurts, and the story moves with the same speed as rotating fashion seasons. There's a nice relief when Libby brings the truth to her more skeptical coworker Shruti. Any other film would have at least a scene in between where Shruti rolls her eyes before seeing it for herself, but in the case of Slaxx, Libby shows her some video and Shruti is instantly on her team with ideas about how to tackle it. 

Efficiency is important in film, and nowhere more so than horror AND comedy. Kephart clearly has great instincts about how to tell her story in a dynamic, well-paced way. I look forward to seeing more. 

High Points
It's a small detail, and odd to harp on it when there are so many other great things about Slaxx, but in the internet age, I have to commend a film set in the modern era that finds such a perfect solution to cell phone failure. There's an all-night lockdown in place for the new product launch, with a brief window of escape at 1AM and then the full re-opening at 8. The rules are laid out clearly, our characters know them, and thus, we're not stuck saying "but can't they--" as the restless, oh-so-smart audience. Nope. They can't. Find another solution

Low Points
I love the idea that the ultimate villains of Slaxx are mid-level store managers with dumb ambitions, but if there was a place to expand the very short Slaxx, I suppose it could have been here. There might have been a way to say more about this minute branch of capitalism and how it connects to the deeper crimes happening at the source of production

Lessons Learned
Employee discounts come at a very high cost

Seasons move much faster in the world of ethical retail

Communism is when you're all equal, but not really

Rent/Bury/Buy

Slaxx will likely not please everybody, but I adored it. It's fresh, it's now, it has something to say, and has a whole lot of poignant fun saying it. Check it out on Shudder. 

The TV Told Me To

It's hilarious to me when someone complains about modern horror being too "political". Is it possible that the same people who complain about Black Lives Matter motivating 2021's Candyman thought 1992's Candyman was some kind of mindless slasher? Did they sleep through the part that explains the legacy of Daniel Ribedou, and just not see ANYTHING social in terms of how a single white lady's beating trumps multiple murders in order to finally bring down a criminal who had previously limited his crimes to his own color?

Anyhoo, I mention this because today's feature is, in a word, political. 

Try not to be bothered.

Quick Plot: Nick is reluctantly bringing his girlfriend Annji to meet his rather awful family for Christmas. While mom Beth is friendly enough, dad Tony is a bigoted jerk, pregnant sister Kate is a ditzy racist, her husband Scott, more muscles than brain, and grandpa (played by the always good-at-being-terrible David Bradley) even worse than Walder Frey.

Nick and Annji attempt to make an early escape before breakfast but hit a (literal) roadblock: the house has been barricaded by some form of unbreakable steel-like substance. Their phones don't work, and the only contact they have with the outside world is their television.

The cable might be out, but their screen has some messages, beginning with the film's very title. Tony, a long-time rule follower and ardent fan of bureaucracy, is quick to assume the messages are government-issued and meant to be followed to a tee. When it tells them their food has been contaminated, Tony forces the whole kitchen in the trash. When a pack of seven dirty needles is sent into their home via a one-way chute, Tony is quick to inject himself with whatever mystery tonic is promised.

Groan, you might say, assuming Await Further Instructions is a commentary on the public's willingness to get vaccinated. Relax: much like the similarly extremely pandemic-appropriate-but-made-pre-pandemic Vivarium, Await Further Instructions was filmed before any of us had heard of COVID-19.

And of course, that's in part what makes it so interesting. Unfolding like a severe Twilight Zone episode, Await Further Instructions is part of that wonderfully off-kilter horror subgenre: part supernatural mystery, and bigger part throw-humans-in-a-philosophical-conundrum-and-watch-them-fall-apart drama. 

The Milgrams --yes, the family name is a tad on the nose, though also something of a surprise misdirect -- are a pretty rough lot. A slightly deeper screenplay might have taken a tad more time in fleshing them out, as some of the film's more affective moments come when our slightly black-or-white characters seem to be actually thinking outside of their narrow boxes. Still, a year plus of watching the worst of humanity make an international pandemic far more deadly than needed makes it hard to, well, be too hard on screenwriter Gavin Williams for creating a cast that would rather trust racist instincts than modern science.

Sigh.

Directed by the late Johnny Kevorkian, Await Further Instructions is not exactly a fun watch, what with the muddy politics and rather terrible human beings. Still, the fact that such a specifically quarantine-set thriller was made two years before we all started debating vaccines and sourdough recipes is rather fascinating, and it's hard to not see the film as an interesting, unfinished commentary on how some portions of society might handle this kind of disaster.

Of course, this being a British film made in 2018, Await Further Instructions is probably more about Brexit than mask mandates, but that's less obvious to a dumb American like myself, and the film I got was thoughtful, if flawed. It doesn't quite go where you might initially expect (both a good and bad thing) and it can be a bit shrill along the way, but it's wholly original and effectively frightening for a variety of reasons, even if some happened after the fact. 

High Points

Plenty of credit where it's due: Await Further Instructions is a genuinely surprising film, with a few plot turns and sudden jumps that I was not necessarily prepared for

Low Points
I get tired of saying it, but it's my (unpaid) job: a figurative dark movie is not legally required to be literally dark. As a rule, most audiences prefer to actually see things when they watch a film

Lessons Learned
There are some ingenious people working in government

When your boyfriend tells you that his family is racist and horrible, you should probably listen

Always stay stocked on bottled water

Rent/Bury/Buy

If COVID-related drama (even unintentionally so) makes you anxious, then you're best skipping Await Further Instructions. For the rest of us weirdos, this is a neat (if imperfect) dose of bizarro what-if. Find it on Netflix if you're so inclined. 

Black Mirror Revisit: Metalhead

Last year, I compiled a non-definitive ranking of Black Mirror episodes. Once a month, I revisit an episode, starting from the bottom. Herein lies #8!

The Talent: 

Metalhead easily boasts my favorite director: the underrated David Slade, who started his genre career with Hard Candy, continued with the better than it should be 30 Days of Night, made the only watchable Twilight movie, and served a key role on the outstanding Hannibal. We'll forgive him for Bandersnatch.

The Setup:
Presumably sometime in the black and white future, the world has become a wasteland. A trio of hardened survivors are on a mission to retrieve something for one of the children bunkering down in their safe house, but in order to find it, they have to evade society's new alphas: robotic dogs fully loaded with lethal ammunition.

The Ending:
It doesn't take long to trim the group down to just Bella, a scrappy and resourceful woman determined to bring home a teddy bear to a dying little boy. While she makes a valiant effort at thwarting a particularly feisty metal canine, she ultimately loses the battle, having been hit by some particularly nasty robot dog shrapnel right in her throat.

The Theme:
Metalhead is one of Black Mirror's starkest, simplest episodes, a 41-minute chase that's far more about the action itself than what it represents. Sure, one could dive REALLY deep into overthinking and write a thesis about metal vs. stuffed animals, but really, this is an episode created to scare you.

The Verdict:
And how nice and refreshing that is! Sometimes you just WANT a 41-minute robot dog chase in moody black and white. Like most good but surface-level horror movies, the overall effect of Metalhead does slip a little bit on second viewing, but it's still a ride.

See what I did there?

Technology Tip:

No matter how advanced your robotic design can be, as anyone with an iPhone and stash of dried rice can attest, no modern technology is immune to the dangers of liquid

The Black Mirror Grade
Cruelty Scale: 5/10

While Bella seems nice and incredibly undeserving of her fate, we don't really learn enough about her situation to have her end hit too emotionally hard.

Quality Scale: 7/10

This is a solid 41 minutes of television made by someone who knows how to stage a good long chase

Enjoyment Scale: 7/10

If you ever wanted The Terminator boiled down to 41 minutes, it's essentially right here for you

Up Next (Month): We work out our most flattering filters in the social media obsessed Nosedive

Leapin' Lizards!

When I see Jennie Garth with highly shaped '90s eyebrows and Kelly Taylor college hair draped in the meaty arms of Costas Mandylor, you can bet I'm diving in.

Tubi, hold my Zima. 

Quick Plot: Someone is murdering attractive and successful blonds in the big bad city of New York (sure)motos, giving them silver tennis bracelets and rose bouquets before tossing them out the windows of their own high rise apartments. I say "someone" because despite this being a VERY specific modus operandi, the press and police can't seem to come up with a clever or catchy serial killer name other than "The Killer".

Meet Meg: an attractive and successful blond in the big bad city (that's sort of New York?) who, you guessed it, lives far up a building with a Chekhovian rarely working elevator. One night, Meg catches the eye of beefcake Paul. They laugh, dance, order room service they don't eat, and even attend a spoken word poetry reading set to jazz. "New York" in the '90s was wild!

And yes, minor spoiler: Paul is "The Killer", and while he though Meg could finally be the one to break his dirty habit of murder, it's not to be. He throws her out the window and moves on.

Luckily for Meg, her window just happens to be located over a perfectly sized ledge, meaning her fall is broken and she's left instead with some bad bruises and that all-too-common ailment known as selective cinematic amnesia. Grizzled detective Frank Lazaro (BILLY DEE F*CKING WILLIAMS) is on the case, with so much world weariness that you almost wonder if Morgan Freeman was taking notes. 

Falling For You is directed by TV veteran Eric Till, an uncredited director on A Muppet Family Christmas, and therefore, one of my (apparently uncredited) lifelong heroes. Based on a play, it unfolds with the kind of rhythm you'd expect from a television woman-in-peril thriller, though there's some slight relief in Meg seizing control of her own fate. 

Make no mistake: this is not Ms. .45 or even Mother, May I Sleep With Danger. It's an earnest, made-for-CBS primetime thriller without the ability to tap into any real sexy or scary energy. Still, when you watch a 1995 TV movie in 2021, one co-starring Lando Calrissian as every stereotype of a rebellious veteran cop, things are simply bound to be entertaining. 

High Points

We can make Kelly Taylor jokes until the next (hopefully) inevitable 90210 reboot hits, but let's be fair: Jennie Garth is an underrated actor. Yes, her California looks and tight little voice might have limited her ability to be cast as Lady Macbeth or a laboratory scientist, but when it comes to holding the television screen, she has that it factor, and it's more than on display here

Low Points

Is there any screenplay device cheaper than "randomly detailed amnesia that means our victim remembers most activities like how to apply makeup but not the face of the man who threw her out a window?"

Lessons Learned
You won't find many blonds at a punk club ... or "Vampire Sex Bars," as it were

There are only two people in all of Canadian Manhattan who read Robert Frost

There are surprise advantages to having a (literally) thick skull

Rent/Bury/Buy

If you're craving a heavy dose of the mid-to-late '90s, Falling For You will likely prove to be as satisfying as a bag of WOW Doritos washed down with an ice cold Surge (look it up, kids). The excitement of soft focus lighting might wear off quickly, so don't get too excited, but it's definitely a dose of a different time. You can find it on Tubi.  

There's Something About Mary

 

When your opening credits play out like a V.C. Andrews keyhole book cover come to life by the power of Italian synth rock, you've got me. 

Quick Plot: Julia is a fairly content teacher at a school for the deaf, while her twin sister Mary rots away in a hospital, a rare skin condition slowly destroying her from the outside in. Julia doesn't seem to mind, since Mary was a cruel child who made Julia's young life a living hell.

Despite a satisfied, well-adjusted life, Julia is swayed to visit Mary by their uncle James, a rather awful Catholic priest who seems intent on the girls reconciling in time for their shared 25th birthday. Mary is in even worse shape than Julie remembers, but somehow, the maladjusted patient manages to escape the hospital and embark upon a killing spree with the help of bloodthirsty Rottweiler.

Look, none of us animal lovers want to ever watch a lovable dog turned into a weapon (particularly when one of its targets is a sweet cat...and I suppose a nice blind kid) but when said dog attacks use a body double less convincing than Triumph the Insult Comic, I'm oddly okay with this choice.

Madhouse is a hoot, which isn't a surprise. Director Ovidio G. Assonitis (who eventually went on to head up Canon Films for a stretch) was well-experienced in spinning out blood-soaked cheese, and he doles it out with relish here. This is a movie that has a woman discussing how nice her favorite fourth grade student is only to cut to his immediate mauling one scene later. 

There's a lack of discipline about Madhouse which, depending on your level of taste, is either a very good thing or possibly just plain dumb. You have kernels of a murder mystery that are instead materialized into plot when a killer rather randomly reveals themselves to be a killer. The potential challenge of whether Julia has sinned by casting off her sick sister adds up to absolutely nothing. But hey! We are treated to one of the greatest tropes to survive the slasher boom:

the dead guest party reveal!

So that's what you get: a fun, fast mess that works because it simply throws whatever it has at the audience. Some of it sticks. Most of it will come off. 

High Points
Most films of this particular ilk invest very little in their performances, but Trish Everly manages to make Julia an instantly sympathetic heroine worth rooting for

Low Points
Maybe it's my fairly fresh viewing of The New York Ripper, but I've been thinking a lot about Lucio Fulci lately and how he managed to explore and even challenge convention, all while making splattery boob-filled schlock. I bring this up because (SPOILER) it's hard in some ways not to compare Madhouse to another Italian horror flick seeped deeply in some of the complications of Catholicism: Fulci's Don't Torture a Duckling, which has a lot to say about the religion. Madhouse, on the other hand, features a priest as a sick villain without, it seems, having any interest in his pathology. It feels more like an economy of characters rather than a statement about faith and violence, and while I don't in any way require deep introspection from my puppet dog killing '80s horror, it just seems like a missed opportunity

Lessons Learned
A sister is the seed of your father and a miracle of your mother's body

The secret to successful surgery is good interns

It only takes 48 hours to train a Rottweiler to murder everyone close to your twin

Rent/Bury/Buy
Madhouse isn't a high point in Italian-American genre cinema (especially when you realize Assonitis had a key hand in bringing the bananas The Visitor into our world) but it's a fun, messy time. I watched it via the library streaming app Kanopy, which is, I'm sure, what Socrates always intended.