Quick Change

I know I say it every time I cover a film from this time period, but my GOSH: those mid 2000s were an ugly, ugly time in horror. 

With that said, Pathology!

Quick Plot: A quick pre-credits sequence shows us a bunch of young people making corpses talk like ventriloquists. So basically, we already know we're going to be spending the next 90 minutes with some awful people. AWESOME.

They're quickly proven to be worse than you think. Dr. Ted Gray, after graduating at the top of his medical school class, is the fresh face at an incredibly prestigious, incredibly white pathology residency filled with alphas. They spend their days cutting up corpses and evenings doing what they can to add to the pile.

As Flatliners and other medical school-centered horror movies have told us, young doctors are sociopaths. In the case of Pathology, they're insufferable sociopaths who have made a game out of committing undetectable murders on the city's undesirables. 

Dr. Ted Gray (like the characters in the movie, I too will refer to everyone by their full names) quickly falls in line, stabbing and liquid nitrogen poisoning like the best of them. Despite being engaged to Alyssa Milano, Dr. Ted Gray starts sleeping with Dr. Juliette Bath, one of his classmates who's already in a relationship with Dr. Catherine Ivy and/or Dr. Jake Gallo (it's never exactly clear how this trio works).

Not shockingly, things escalate. Dr. Jake Gallo grows progressively unhinged right as Alyssa Milano (not a doctor, so I'll just use her regular name in full) comes to stay with Dr. Ted Gray, riling his nightly activities. 

Pathology is directed by Marc Schölermann from a script courtesy of Crank and Gamer's Neveldine and Taylor. Considering that duo's bonanza energy in other products, I get the feeling that the gloomy end result onscreen comes more from the final execution. On the page, I can almost see where Pathology had something going for it. The actual concept feels fresh, and the final act tosses in multiple twists that actually surprised me. 

Unfortunately, it's a slog to get there. Dr. Ted Gray makes no sense as a character. He's introduced as the kind of hopeful youth who dutifully spends three months in Africa on a volunteer mission, then falls in line with actual murder in less than one week drinking with the atrocious Dr. Jake Gallo. He has Alyssa Milano in his arms yet shows not a morsel of remorse in shagging Dr. Juliette Bath on the same sectional where the latter's abusive father has just been murdered. Had Dr. Ted Gray (sorry, but I can't not keep doing it) been given a hint of a backstory or one more scene to explain how someone could so quickly toss his morals away, maybe, just maybe we could at least understand, if not sympathize. 

That's not Pathology's only problem. On paper, this should be shocking. Made in the second act of the Saw franchise's success, there's little spared in bloody body part closeups or boobs. An early montage tries so hard to be shocking that it shoves two women doing meth in between making out over the bloodied corpse of a murder victim in slow motion. CAN YOU HANDLE THIS EDGINESS? Pathology seems to scream. 

Yes, but that doesn't mean we want to. 

High Points

This involves a spoiler and a lot of cooperation with my 25 year obsession with Olivia Benson and Law & Order: SVU. 

You have been warned.

There's a running rule for the show that states without exception that anytime the squad's family members are involved in an episode, I as a viewer will be miserable. Rollins' wayward sister just makes life hard, Tutuola's nightmare nephew ruins careers, Elliot's bushel of children always get in the way, and so on. I can write volumes on how just unreasonably deep my hatred for Benson's son Noah runs, but if you can possibly believe it, there's a relation that's even worse: Simon Marsden.

Simon shows up in season 8 and appears five times over the next several years. He's the long-lost half brother of Olivia Benson who, aside from having a rapist father, finds himself on the wrong side of the law in a variety of cases. 

All of these episodes are terrible and annoying, and make our stalwart heroine look like an idiot in the name of saving her terrible horrible no good very bad half-brother who can't make a single good decision to save his short life. To be clear: THIS MAN IS WORSE THAN NOAH BENSON.

I hate this character. What, you ask, does that have anything to do with 2008's Pathology? It's a dull answer: the actor. Michael Weston plays both Simon and Dr. Jake Gallo, so if nothing else, I thank Pathology for SPOILER ALERT, giving me another death scene for one of my least favorite people ever to appear on my television screen. 

Low Points

There's so much to be annoyed at with Pathology, but I really do think its major error comes in how little it thinks the audience needs to go on a journey with its lead. Milo Ventimiglia is perfectly fine as Dr. Ted Gray (NOT STOPPING), but he gets absolutely nothing to work with in terms of why an intelligent young man would suddenly throw everything away to part with Olivia Benson's kin. As a result, it is truly impossible to invest any kind of feeling in what happens to anyone in this movie. What a weird choice

Lessons Learned

Never cut into the poop pipe

Pathology season really picks up during the holidays

The feeling of guilt is actually the fear of getting caught

Rent/Bury/Buy

I sort of hated Pathology, but I can also concede that it's going for something fairly different, particularly during this rough patch of late aughts horror. I don't know anyone that I'd directly recommend it to, but hey, if you're in the market for a grisly medical school Fight Club with less nuance and more female nudity, here you go. Find it now on Max, or HBO, or whatever we're calling it by the time this post goes live. 

Growing Pains

Is Judith Light the most underrated actor of her generation? 

Well, no, because there's Alfre Woodard, but is Judith Light the SECOND most underrated actor of her generation? 

A TV movie from 1996 suggests so.

Quick Plot: Irene and Ed McNair have been through some things: the death of their eldest son Joey, Ed's winding road to recovery from alcoholism, and now, the horror of Joey's living teenage twin Teddy's sudden outbursts. 

Teddy is...needy. He demands his mother come with him for a sleepover at his dead grandmother's house then whines like Veruca Salt when he finds out she's planning on selling the empty home. Irene soon learns that Teddy was expelled from college for some scandalous artwork, fired from his job for decorating a department store window with BDSM-style mannequins, and has a closet wall covered in newspaper clippings detailing their small Connecticut's town shocking crimes.

See, a few young blonds are turning up dead. Ed's AA sponsor happens to be the head detective who has a full profile ready to share with his bestie: a young man, artistically frustrated, sexually confused, deep mother issues, previous tenure on Roseanne. You get the picture. 

Murder At My Door is a very, very made-for-TV movie. The screenplay is credited to veteran Christopher Canaan and Patti Sullivan, whose scanter IMDB resume only lists this and Reading Rainbow. Perhaps most excitingly, the director is  Eric Till, a perfect unicorn of a filmmaker responsible for both A Muppet Family Christmas and the Costas Mandylor/Jennie Garth joint Falling For You. 

This one isn't quite as memorable as those incredibly diverse classics, but I had a good time. Between fog-framed flashbacks and a very dense score, Murder At My Door screams its 1996 CBS roots with such fury that even the most hardened live-in-the-now viewer can't help but feel nostalgic. I wish the screenplay offered more surprises or that Johnny Galecki found more layers into Teddy, but also, well, this is a 1996 made-for-TV drama. If I can give Zombie Night a good review, I have to pause and say my standards are inconsistent and unfair. 

High Points

I really do mean it when I say that Judith Light is a national treasure. As Irene, she's mostly stuck playing an ill-defined (on the page) fraught mother, but by golly does Light seem fully present in every mournful stare. This is a woman who does not throw away a performance

Low Points

It's a strange day when you realize how made-for-shock-TV movies have, in some ways, made huge strides over the past 30 years. Sure, Lifetime rarely snags a lead as good as Judith Light, but Murder At My Door's biggest flaw is that it plays out exactly as you would have expected from the first beat. Had this been made today, we'd get a bonkers twist revealing (SPOILER ALERT TO WHAT WE DON'T ACTUALLY GET) that Teddy was troubled but innocent, and it's, say, his little Mikey-in-the-making brother who has actually been stabbing blonds

Lessons Learned

Mansplaining was just as bad in the '90s, particularly if you enjoyed CD shopping at the mall

If you're planning on murdering a woman, always take note of her earring count before and after (but also, don't murder women)

There's nothing you can do to go against the district supervisor

Special Exception

If you've ever spent more than 11 minutes drinking with me, you probably recall that I can't go 12 without ranting about one of my biggest movie credits pet peeves:  "Special Appearance By". Movies are temporary, and a cameo (though rarely is it a singular appearance) should simply be an "And" or "With" credit, or a complete surprise without introduction. That being said, when you get the glorious Grace Zabriskie, it is indeed special

Rent/Bury/Buy

TV movie enthusiasts, particularly those with soft spots for the '90s, will certainly find Murder At My Door entertaining. I wish it had a little more bite in the end, but can I REALLY complain when I get to see Judith Light cry and Grace Zabriskie scream? 

On the Move (Or Not)

 

It's odd that there are so few mannequin-related horror films. They're innately creepy objects that are, essentially, oversized dolls, one of the genre's favorite villains. So why aren't there more mall-set slashers that take advantage of this?

Have you seen Don't Look Away? It explains a lot.

Quick plot: Frankie, a sad student a few days away from her LSATs, is driving home to her awful older TA boyfriend Steve when she smashes her car into a hijacked truck driver. She's not really at fault: the trucker was standing in the middle of the road after watching his assailants get brutally murdered because they made eye contact with a naked mannequin.

You know how it goes form here. Frankie goes out with friends the next night only to spot the same pile of plastic at the club where very quickly, a whole bunch of partiers are slaughtered. The police still think nothing is amiss from this young woman, even though one a day later, another pal ends up dead after, you guessed it, seeing the naked mannequin. 

This all sounds so much more fun than it is. Frankie's friends take a very long time to come around, and then they do, and we're not very happy because they're, well, pretty new to this acting thing. As they play out a half-hearted It Follows, Steve gets lost in his version of The Shining, ghost bartender and gibberish writing file included. 

Don't Look Away is clearly made on a budget, though that's really not the film's problem. Cowriter/director Michael Bafaro shows some good staging instincts when it comes to a few sequences, making the most out of his Annabelle-style immobile villain showing up without notice. For a good chunk of its first half, I found myself hopeful that Don't Look Away was on the right track. 

It's not. The characters never earn enough of our interest or sympathy to carry us through a storyline that only gets explained by the director showing up in a bit part to give some last act exposition. 

Seriously. 

This movie has not one, but two Roomba jump scares. It is indeed that kind of thing. 

High Points

Considering this film is partially dedicated to John Carpenter, it's not shocking that Don't Look Away employs a synth-y score. The surprise, considering most of this movie, is that it's actually pretty good

Low Points

There's a LOT wrong with Don't Look Away, but when the ending doesn't actually tell you who's alive, you really can't cut something like this any more slack

Lessons Learned

Most people don't crave a big breakfast after watching their friend and a batch of strangers murdered the night before

A decapitated body can wander your porch for at least two full minutes

PhD students are better than the rest of us because they understand ethical principles

Rent/Bury/Buy

Mannequin completists will certainly be able to say, "Hey, this is a movie about a murderous mannequin." So for me, there was certainly merit to watching Don't Look Away. For the rest, ignore the title. Unless you crave this kind of content: 

A Very Long Weekend

 

In the year 2024, it seems pretty official that '90s horror, once despised by genre fans, has aged in a fairly charming and enjoyable way. 

Maybe we just need another decade for the grisly aughts to find the same redemption. 

Quick Plot: Rob is a successful prosecutor taking his French artist girlfriend Pia on a romantic getaway. Their destination? Fishing in a rather rudimentary rented boat through the marshes of Australia. Confident Rob wants to do some exploring, while reluctant Pia is quickly proven right in her instincts: they're lost, it's pouring, and the only shelter nearby makes Leatherface's adobe look like Graceland. 

Pia and Rob quickly end up on the bad side of weed-growing brothers Jimmy and Brett, but the worst is still to come with the return of their dad, Poppy. Egos are bruised, baby kangaroos are stewed, and some very rusty implements are put to use.

Storm Warning came out in 2007, which was four entries into the Saw series. Horror was pretty ugly at the time, and I mean that literally. It was the era of including the phrase "grisly violence" under your R-rating in your red band trailer to make sure genre fans had a reason to care. 

As you might guess, this isn't my favorite mood of film. That being said, Storm Warning, with its Aussie bonafides, feels far more justified in its visceral darkness than some of its American counterparts because at its heart, it's Ozsploitation. Screenwriter Everett De Roche penned the story sometime in the '80s following his down under classics Patrick and Long Weekend. While the actual filmmaking feels of the aughts, there is a throwback quality that works.

For director Jamie Blanks, Storm Warning feels slightly out of character. He's better known for the fun twist on late '90s slashers with Urban Legend and the campy Valentine. Storm Warning is meaner, but there are still some touches of dark humor. This is the kind of movie that you can smell, which is both a compliment and a warning.

High Points

Storm Warning has a small cast, but each member delivers incredibly well to elevate the whole film, with Nadia Fares standing out and holding it all together

Low Points

It's just...you know...this is a fairly disgusting and unpleasant film

Lessons Learned

The French are lovable for their ability to cook and be cool

Something they apparently don't teach in Australian law school: if being held captive by a violent band of outlaws, it's best practice to not tell them that you're a lawyer

Even weed-growing dirty Australian backwoods criminals are smart enough to not leave their keys in the car

Rent/Bury/Buy

Storm Warning came out in one of the least enjoyable eras of horror, but for what it is, it's quite good. That doesn't mean you'll ever be in the mood to watch it. Still, when you crave this very specific, rather unpleasant mood of horror, this will satisfy. Find it on Amazon Prime. 

Yes, We've Reached a Verdict

There is horror in receiving a jury summons, mostly due to the amount of time you know is going to be wasted sitting in stuffy rooms with strangers as you wait to be called. In the rare event that you find yourself on an actual murder case with the death penalty in play, I imagine there's an added level of stress.

Quick Plot: Five years after a highly publicized trial, the jurors who convicted the "Midnight Murderer" are dying mysteriously. Juror #1 is in a fatal car accident, while the foreman, who made a career writing about the experience, plunges from his building. Juror #3 (played by the delightful James Hong) has a possible heart attack in his senior living facility. #4 is a healthy mom whose sudden suicide seems a bit, well, sudden. With her number up, #5's Laura grows suspicious that she's next on the list.

Detective Mike stumbles onto the case, convenient since his own partner, Detective Callendar (Cube "Show Me the Oscar" Cuba Gooding Jr.) investigated the Midnight Murderer. It also helps that Laura is single and ready to jingle.

Sorry for that. See, while Summoned is a supernatural thriller (I think?), it's also loaded with cozy cardigan Christmas romance energy. Leads Ashley Scott and Bailey Chase have starred in a LOT of Hallmark and Hallmark-adjacent holiday fare, while writer/director Peter Sullivan steadily rotates his filmography between Lifetime-ish thrillers (Sister Wife Murder) and chaste Lifetime-ish lovers (Love Accidentally). Occasionally, he finds himself in a Fly-esque transporter and creates beautifully weird hybrids that combine both (Christmas Twister, Silent Night, Fatal Night).

Summoned is not as much fun as Christmas Twister. With its experienced cast, the movie plays a little more earnest than its very dumb story merits. That's fine for the actors' pride, but it also means Summoned never quite clicks into a place of actual entertainment. A confusing finale doesn't help anything.

High Points

Laura's house has a lot of character. That's something, right?

Low Points

I looked away from Summoned to check my phone and when I looked back, the SPOILER ALERT killer was revealed to be...someone. I still don't understand who, or what, or why. Yes, film deserves a viewer's full attention, but also, I...still...don't...understand (or care)

Lessons Learned

You don't need to sell art if you've got alimony  

If you think you're next on a murder list, consider wearing sensible shoes so you can move a little quicker when the murder inevitably finds you

Police interrogation videos include are recorded via multiple angles 

Rent/Bury/Buy

I've seen hundreds of movies worse than Summoned, but I still can't think of anyone I would say, "Hey, you should watch Summoned" to. It exists on Peacock and some resumes. That's all I've got. 

Take the Bus, Take the Bus, For God's Sake, Take the Bus

 

How to get me to watch your low budget horror movie, a play in three acts

Act I: Get dropped on Peacock close to the Olympics, when some cheapskates finally splurge on the ad-free premium option

Act II: Give yourself the perfect dumb-pun title

Act III: Clock in at just 72 minutes

I am, and will always be, a simpleton at heart.

Quick Plot: Tommy is a rideshare driver who picks up passenger Theresa, then sneaks into her home and does things so terrible that the police who show up at the crime scene have an audible vomit party. 

Nearby, newly divorced Jolene is dealing with a handsy boss and flat tire in the middle of an empty industrial area of Atlanta. Tommy comes to her rescue, even being so kind as to turn the driving app off for her return trip and save Jolene a few bucks. What a prince!

Well, more a homicidal lunatic, but maybe it just depends on your filter. 

Jolene quickly finds herself locked inside her business complex playing mouse to Tommy's lumbering ginger cat. She manages to call low budget cinema's stupidest police officers (and boy is that saying something) but all that seems to do is provide some bodies to trip over. 

Across town, the detectives finally get the idea to check their murder victim's cell phone for recent activity. Wait, no, that would make too much sense. It's apparently easier to have Theresa's mom describe the man who picked her daughter up to a sketch artist, then pass that around the precinct. The fates align when one of the cops happens to spot Tommy driving a popular influencer around during a livestream. 

Somehow these aren't even the dumbest police officers in this movie.

Written and directed by Eduardo Castrillo, Ride Scare's budget was, I'm guessing, a lot less than one rush hour trip during surge pricing. The audio is occasionally fuzzy and the actors, while enthusiastic, don't necessarily scream experienced. At least the production managed to score a pretty large empty office for most of its action!

Much like The Girl In Cabin 13, reviewing Ride Scare is a bit of a chore. If a studio invests millions into a lazy remake, it feels like my duty (and sometimes joy) to tap into my inner mean girl and make petty jokes. When you swap out the overfunded studio for what you guess to be a team of dedicated amateurs culling favors from friends to just make a gosh darn movie, it feels like bullying.

Ride Scare is not good. The stalking scenes lack tension, characters lack brains, and the story unfolds so clunkily that you wish it would pull over for an oil change. Worst of all, Ride Scare ends on a ridiculously nasty note that feels ripped out of the year 2008. Downbeat conclusions can certainly work, but when your movie has just about nothing going for it, the least you can do is not end so cruelly. 

High Points

THE TITLE IS RIDE SCARE! WHAT MORE DO YOU NEED?

Low Points

Well, a semi-decent movie would be nice

Lessons Learned

Jehovah's Witnesses are always in full effect

In Georgia, it's considered rude to close a door behind you when behind chased by a homicidal maniac

Hence, the leading cause of death in Georgia is being hacked to death by homicidal maniacs

Rent/Bury/Buy

You know what's a good horror movie about a violent and unhinged driver? Spree. Yes, Spree, oddly hated upon its release, is quite good. Granted, it doesn't have anywhere NEAR as good a title as RIDE SCARE, but, you know, it's also not the movie Ride Scare. If you're a low budget horror or rideshare driver-based completist, you can find this one on Peacock and watch during the time it takes to make a nice roast.