Special Delivery (it's us)

Sometimes all a genre movie needs is an interesting setting to be worth a watch. An antichrist baby in Estonia? Sign me up. 

Quick Plot: We open with a moody prayer circle that ends in throat slitting. The pile of dead Russians then gets an odd form of last rights in having their back tattoos skinned off and preserved.

Nearby, a hunky American priest appropriately named Father Fox is getting ready to leave the church to marry his pregnant girlfriend Laura. A cardinal convinces him to take on One Last Job: visiting nun Yulia, who claims to be carrying one savior and one antichrist in her own pregnant belly.

As things in St. Petersburg go south, Father Fox, Yulia, and handy Cardinal Russo escape to Estonia, where Laura's family money has kept a conveniently remote end-of-the-world cabin fully stocked with the basics for a few years of survival. Yulia's twins are doing surprisingly well. They can even hypnotize people. 

Father Fox struggles with dreams that push him towards Yulia, something Russo's own texts seem to predict. Meanwhile, the townspeople are growing antsy, a plague is raging through the land, and a one-eyed Thomas Kretschmann is hot on the trail to kill some babies. 

Deliver Us is co-directed by Lee Roy Kunz (who also plays Father Fox) and Cru Ennis, and co-written by Kunz and brother Kane Kunz. 

To be clear, there is a lot of Kunz in this movie. 

It's...fine. Deliver Us has a few strong assets: the Estonian backdrop adds automatic style, the cinematography has a clear point of view, and the cast is quite watchable. Where Deliver Us dies is its storytelling. The film opens with a bang (well, lots of cuts) and then seems to take an hour-long nap. It sets up several interesting character dynamics (especially around Jaune Kimmel's Laura) and then fizzles them out for what somehow feels like a rushed ending. 

Still, there's something different about the script's approach to its infant dynamics. And the movie pays off on Chekhov's Law of Bear Traps, so I'm probably going to forgive its trespasses and promptly forget most of the details shortly thereafter.

High Points

It's hard to describe the look of Deliver Us without making it sound bad, but there's a dramatically blue-hued coloring that almost makes the film feel black and white in a way that's actually quite striking

Low Points

What the film has in style it seems to lose in actual substance when it comes to character. Is THAT how a priest would react to SPOILER ALERT his pregnant girlfriend being shot?!

Lessons Learned

Nuns are naturally good shots

 

Russian conductors have soft spots for babies

When you get old, you prepare for the apocalypse

Rent/Bury/Buy

Eh. Deliver Us has some visual appeal and is slightly better composed than the kind of film you haven't heard of streaming on Hulu, but it's hard to feel much passion for the end product. If the subject appeals to you, give it a go. 

You Ain't Never Had a Field Trip Like Me

 

In 1999, my high school social studies teacher gave our class the assignment to make a movie that had something to do with American history. Naturally, I convinced my friends that the only story worth telling was Zombies Ate My Classmates, an educational horror film about a group of students who break into a museum, desecrate valuable artifacts, and then spend the night fleeing undead historical figures.

We got an A, and I've spent the last 26 years wondering what it could have looked like with a bigger but still very small budget. 

Apparently, a lot like The Lamp!

Quick Plot: A prologue set in 1893 sees a young woman land in Galveston, Texas, with her mother. Before they can locate the nearest queso, mom puts on a sparkly bracelet and releases a homicidal djinn, killing the boat crew in the process. The girl manages to flee with the bracelet and magic lamp, keeping it safe for a good 90 years until a trio of horny robbers breaks in to ruin everything.

With the old woman murdered and the robbers hacked up, the artifacts end up in the Houston Museum of Natural Science. Like, the actual museum, which is used as the filming location for The Lamp. 

THAT'S REALLY COOL. 

Chief archeologist Dr. Wallace is excited to investigate the new pieces, though his teen daughter Alex would rather he just, you know, BE A DAD. In fact, she even wishes he was dead!

Kind of!

The wording isn't that specific but it's good enough for a genie. Alex commits the unforgivable sin of trying the bracelet on and before you can sign a permission slip for a museum field trip, an ancient demon sneaks his way through her feathered hair.

The timing couldn't be worse for Alex or better for the genie. Her friends are eager to hide out in the museum for a night of premarital sex and cheap beer. While good Alex would discourage such behavior, possessed Alex is all for it. Throw in her psychotic ex-boyfriend and his sidekick, and you have a whole menu of potential victims to be murdered by historical artifacts.

When the credits rolled, only to be followed by the rare pre-2010 post-credits stinger, I found myself screaming this question: why oh why did director Tom Daley make only this movie?

It's so fun!

Yes, the kills are creative and weird. The actual story is fresh, and the setting is obviously massively neat. But we also get some neat character work! A cool archeologist dad, his daughter's open-minded boyfriend, an opera-singing security guard...there's a lot here!

I'm using a lot of exclamation points because I found this movie so satisfying!

High Points

This movie includes death by ceiling fan, haunted spear, cobra bites, and masks. HOW IS IT NOT MORE KNOWN?

Low Points

Could I have done without the sexual assault? Yes, I certainly could have done without the sexual assault

Lessons Learned

You know it's far out if the armadillos won't go

Texas bullies in the early '80s were racist sociopaths, which is why high school teachers were apparently trained in martial arts

Chicks love baths

Rent/Bury/Buy

I kind of loved this movie. It's not an immaculate piece of art fit for the Houston Museum, but by golly, it's incredibly fresh...even if it's no nearing the age of 40. As I've said several times in recent years, it's a delight to discover so much under the radar horror from eras we thought we knew. Thanks Shudder!

Let's Rock

 

In my old age, I've become quite the fan of a little publication known as Readers Digest. Somewhere in between its brain teasers and helpful tips about using coffee grounds, you'll find quite a batch of essays that read like starting outlines for I Shouldn't Be Alive! episodes.

It's logical that I'd also enjoy these kinds of stories on film, especially when they involve doomed underwater disasters and pretty ocean cinematography.

Quick Plot: Sisters May and Drew have an annual tradition of scuba diving, but this year might be the last. When gliding through a scenic cave, a rock collapse above them sends big stones upon their heads. 

Less experienced Drew frantically searches for big sis May only to find her trapped under some broken, impossible to move sea debris. May is pretty level-headed...at first. Being underwater with limited oxygen and a ticking deathclock will eventually make that impossible (physically, since, you know, oxygen).

Drew is able to reach the surface, but their remote location means there's not a single living soul around to help. Back in she goes with a fresh tank, but this can't go on forever.

There's a bit of a lather-rinse-repeat rhythm to Maximillian Erlenwein's The Dive. Drew reaches May and they plan, Drew surfaces to try something, it fails, and she dives back in as May's fate darkens. 91 minutes is a short runtime for most films, but somehow The Dive still drags a bit.

Still, it's mostly efficient. The change of scenery out of and under water helps to keep the visuals moving, something the slightly similarly themed 47 Meters Down couldn't really overcome. The underwater cinematography is clear and crisp, and the actors are able to convey plenty of storytelling under scuba helmets.

High Points

Characters hallucinating on film is harder than it seems, but Erlenwein manages to make the tricks May's brain plays on her effective at breaking down her psyche

Low Points

For a film that could have used some more stuff to help expand its storytelling, it feels like the sisters' family backstory could have easily been given more development

Lessons Learned

Always bring a reel to an overhead environment

It's harder to break into a trunk than you'd think

Scuba diving involves far too much time math

Rent/Bury/Buy

Overall, The Dive is a good Sunday afternoon time killer. It looks good, moves fairly quickly, and delivers a decent amount of tension for 90 minutes. Find it on Hulu if the mood strikes. 

But What If I Haven't Seen the First 665?

In continuing my quest to watch all the Children of the Corns I've thus far missed, I've started accumulating some details that tie the franchise together. Chief amongst them: car trouble.

Parts I, V, and now VI (excuse me: DCLXVI) kick off by stranding or temporarily stopping their would-be victims on the road. 

I promise there are more interesting things to be found in Isaac's Return, but that just seemed worth noting.

Quick Plot: Hannah is on a solo road trip to investigate the secret of her birth. Some 19 years earlier, she was adopted from a sleepy Nebraska town and is now eager to learn more about her cursed heritage. After uneasily picking up a religious man on the road, wild hallucinations cause her to run into a whole row of corn. The shifty policewoman on call sends her to the shiftier town doctor (Stacey Keach!), whose clinic is housing none other than a comatose messiah.

It's Isaac's Return!

Meanwhile, Hannah nearly finds herself in another accident when a truck tries to run her off the road. Don't worry, it's only her birth mother (Nancy Allen!) trying in vain to get her kid back to safety. Stubborn Hannah continues to ignore every red flag, even when they all seem to be on fire and wrapping her in knots. Part of that is due to the helpful hunkiness of Gabriel, a mysterious local who seems to be able to save Hannah whenever she needs it. 

Part 6(66) is refreshing in following up the original film with, cue the title: Isaac's Return. John Franklin's slithery cult leader was always a highlight, so continuing his story, in theory, is enticing. Unfortunately, there's almost too much story here. All-stars Allen and Keach feel wasted, while Hannah's actions are so dumb that it's hard to stay invested in her fate. Worst of all, we're lacking a key element of this entire franchise's title: 

I know I complained a bit about the lackluster main villain in Part V, but at least he was underage! Isaac's Return seems to have forgotten that the most haunting and interesting thing about Children of the Corn is that these are, you know, children. Children doing horrific things to adults! That's what we're here for!

But I guess we'll have to settle for Stacey Keach going weird.

High Points

Director Kari Skogland might not have had the same affection for the actual Children of the Corn franchise that some of us weirdos do, but she does have a great eye, staging some sequences in quite an effective and unique way

Low Points

No shade to actress Natalie Ramsey (doing what she can with very little), but I can't remember seeing a dumber lead character. Her own MOTHER is telling her to leave town, and yet, after being near axe-murdered and drugged, she still hangs around. There's a line

Lessons Learned

Never loan anything to Matt

After narrowly escaping abduction and human sacrifice, the natural celebration is a cold hose shower and unprotected barn sex

Ladies, please remember that you are under no obligation to carry an antichrist to term

Rent/Bury/Buy

Obviously if you're a CotC completist like me, you're going to watch Part 666 and get something out of it. The bigger question is whether this film stands on its own outside the franchise. On that note, I'd reluctantly say not quite. For a straight-to-video late '90s horror, it's about average, but anything that makes it more is really its own relation to the series. 

Stream Me!

Here's your gentle reminder that time is running out to watch The Lost Hallmark Christmas Movie: LIVE.

Actually, it's too late to watch it live. It happened two weeks ago. But it's there on VOD for your home viewing until December 26th!

This is your rare chance to see me onstage. Yes, I really am that short!

Winner Takes It All

There's a certain joy in good dumb fun action movies that's hard to match. 

Cue The Tournament.

Quick Plot: Every seven years, 30 of the world's greatest assassins are invited to play in The Tournament, a battle royal with a $10 million prize and the chance to make a roomful of wealthy betters even more. 

It's a simple premise that doesn't really need much more setup. There are no rules, which means civilians caught in the crossfire or used as human shields are simply part of the game. This doesn't bode well for alcoholic priest Father MacAvoy (the always welcome Robert Carlyle) who breaks a commandment when stealing an abandoned cup of coffee only to face some divine punishment when he swallows a contestant's tracking device. 

That's one more player to add to our roster. Also in the mix is stoic yet sympathetic Lai Lai Zen (Kelly Hu), psychotic Texan Miles Slade (Ian Somerhalder, who I thought was Chace Crawford showing personality before realizing that was impossible), parkour expert Anton (Sebastien Foucan), and returning champion Joshua Harlow (the one and only Ving Rhames). Harlow has returned for a more important motive than money: one of the players in the game assassinated his pregnant wife, and he's here for vengeance.

Plot schmot, let's watch physically fit people creatively murder each other...and so we do.

Director Scott Mann has an efficient approach to the material. I don't know why this script required three writers, since all of the character work seems to come from the actors and their physicality. Kelly Hu makes for an appealing lead, even if we get little insight into her actual character. Robert Carlyle is an incredibly versatile actor, and he threads a rather effective braid of pathetic, sympathetic, and amusing in his confused holyman. There are bus chases, hand-to-hand combat, explosions, and shootouts in strip clubs. 

This movie understands its audience.

High Points

We're not quite at Atomic Blonde levels, but The Tournament really does deliver on its violent action, and having someone as physically capable as Kelly Hu as its lead doesn't hurt

Low Points

I'm not really mad that we get so little backstory on any of the characters, but it's a bit ridiculous that Robert Carlyle's priest is introduced at such a low point and the film never actually pauses to explain why he's there, nor really why he's willing to work so hard to get out of it

Lessons Learned

A hanging slab of meat is the new shield

UK laxatives are incredibly ineffective

Assassins never know why

Rent/Bury/Buy

If you're in the mood for a super violent action flick, this should easily satisfy. I found it on Tubi, though it may have since jumped around. Toss a tracking device in the nearest cup of coffee and we'll see where it lands.

I'll Take It Black

 

I'm going to make a declarative objective statement about something that is very much subjective: black comedy is the most divisive of all film genres. Either you click with a movie's intentionally polarizing sense of humor, or you find it deplorable. There is very little room in between.

Especially when it involves...

(SPOILER ALERT THAT YOU SHOULD PROBABLY KNOW GOING IN TO KNOW IF THIS IS GOING TO BE OKAY FOR YOU OR NOT)...

adorable dead babies.

Quick Plot: Opening credits read as an instruction manual for assembling the titular piece of furniture. Maybe it's because I just assembled my own outdoor cart by following pictures that kind of matched tiny parts, but this graphic design decision pleased me grandly.

Meet Jesus and Maria, a very tired married couple navigating the stress of new parenthood in a small city apartment. Despite the bags hanging under her eyes, Maria is actually quite happy. Years of IVF have finally given her exactly what she wanted: infant Cayetano. 

Jesus is less enthused. An overgrown child of sorts, he seems overwhelmed with fatherhood. It doesn't help that the 13-year-old neighbor down the hall is madly in love with him.

What does all of this have to do with a coffee table, you might ask? Doesn't EVERYTHING come down to your choice of coffee table?

Much to Maria's annoyance, Jesus insists on purchasing an incredibly tacky glass table complete with nude women posing as the legs in extremely fake gold. It's clearly his way of holding onto some remnant of his own identity, making a decision completely separate from both his wife and child. It's certainly not the worst crime a new father can commit. 

That comes a few minutes later. 

Spoilers for a movie that, as I've warned, is probably best slightly spoiled in order to know if you can stand it. Maria exits the apartment to do some grocery shopping (even THAT has some bitterness, as it's for a small dinner party for Jesus's not entirely welcome brother and much younger girlfriend). After realizing he's missing a component to complete his table's assembly, Jesus turns away just long enough for something to go terribly, terribly wrong: the unbreakable glass shatters and decapitates his only child. 

What does one do in that kind of situation? Call the authorities? Scream? Throw yourself out a window? Tell your wife?

In the case of Jesus, hide the evidence, go into shock, and host the world's most awkward dinner party in European history. 

Directed by Caye Casas (who also co-wrote with Cristina Borobia), The Coffee Table is a brutally uncomfortable film. It takes the cringe humor of something like The Office at its most extreme and turns it inside out to expose every part you'd rather not witness.

It's also very funny.

(ducks)

But I understand if you don't agree! 

High Points

There is some VERY funny writing here in Cases and Borobia's script, particularly around the wonderfully wry Ruth (perfectly played by Gala Flores) and her inappropriate obsession

Low Points

I understand that The Coffee Table is ultimately Jesus's story, but it feels a little bit of a cheat to not give us insight into Maria's final decision

Lessons Learned

A furniture salesman can solve your table problems, not name your newborn

Never recommend a book of poetry to a teenager, even if it's for a school project

Cowards never admit they're in love

Rent/Bury/Buy

If you (not unjustly) have an absolute zero tolerance for dead babies, The Coffee Table is not the film for you. But if your sense of humor is appropriately twisted, give it a go on Kanopy.