Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back to the Sewer

In the realm of niche horror genres, the Jaws ripoff is one that I probably enjoy far more than I should. Sometimes, even more than actual Jaws movies (particularly if you're including the full gamut of animal attack flicks in that category). 

Quick Plot: We open in a shifty Florida reptile farm where out-of-towners watch alligators chew up a poorly trained employee. That doesn't deter a young girl from bringing home a baby from the gift shop, where she lovingly takes care of him in her Chicago dwelling. Dad gets mad one day and flushes the little guy down the toilet, unaware of the urban legends about the havoc such action could wreak. 

Twelve years later, detective David Madison (glorious Robert Forster) is investigating a series of murders as body parts wash up from the city sewers. He soon discovers a shady biological research company doing horrendous testing on puppies in order to make a growth serum for livestock. The failed subjects are tossed in the same sewer system where a certain pretten carnivor gets to devour them, fueling an unnatural growth resulting in a 36' long hungry hunter.

David soon teams up with leading herpetologist Marisa Kendell (Robin Riker), who reveals that she once had her own baby alligator that met a watery fate at the hands of her father. If you're wondering if this seemingly very intelligent scientist figures out or acknowledges that this city's blood is on her hands, the answer is no.

That's okay. Forster and Riker have their own unique, fun chemistry, so much so that this movie is what supposedly led Quentin Tarantino to cast Forster in Jackie Brown. With a script by eventual Oscar nominee John Sayles, Alligator is a smart movie playing dumb. It works.

Director Lewis Teague (of Cujo and more importantly, my beloved Cat's Eye) apparently set out to make a scary film but realized quickly that his effects weren't going to be up to the task. Instead, he decided to lean into the humor. Forster easily gets the tone, while Craig Huxley's synth-y score hilariously toes a line between Jaws and a lawsuit. 

High Points

Enough good can't be said about Robert Forster's approach to this movie

Low Points

For a film that's getting a lot of mileage out of comeuppance, it feels a tad icky that so many working people die violent deaths at the big wealthy wedding setpiece

Lessons Learned

You can always trust your first impression of what a man's apartment would look like

Even the most expensive limo is not alligator-proof

There's simply no such thing as an honest mayor in any town that has a water source

For the Ladies

I wish I kept count, but for whatever reason, Robert Forster is constantly topless in this movie. Teague's camera has more shirtless Forster shots than Rob Zombie has closeups of his wife's butt in The Devil's Rejects. 

Rent/Bury/Buy

This is a movie that has a little boy fall off his suburban diving board into the open mouth of a 36' long alligator. Obviously, it's a blast. Find it on Shudder and have a good time. 

There's Got To Be a Morning After (so why not make it a sequel?)

 

The Poseidon Adventure is a masterpiece: a big, bawdy disaster flick with committed movie stars dressed to the nines navigating huge set pieces until they hear the sweet chords of 1972's Best Original Song. What more can you ask for?

Well, a sequel, apparently. 

Quick Plot: Indebted tugboat captain Mike (Michael Caine, or as I know want to think of him, Mike Caine) is having a tough time navigating some stormy waters with a small cargo load. His second mate Wilbur (Karl Malden!) has picked up a clumsy but cute hitchhiker Celeste (Sally Field!!) right in time to discover the overturned remains of the SS Poseidon. 

Mike is a practical man. Having lost some pricey containers, he knows the bank is about to take Jenny (yes, the boat's name is Jenny which is also Forrest Gump's boat's name which also starred Sally Field and who needs 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon now?). Mike and Wilbur decide to invoke their salvage rights to scour the Poseidon for some valuables, though they're soon joined by a shifty group of Greek medics who are hungry to save some lives. Considering their leader is Telly Savalas(!!!), it's as hard for Mike as it is for the audience to trust their good faith. 

Once on board, the teams split up to search for their respective goals. Mike's group quickly gathers a few survivors: angry retired army sergeant dad Peter Boyle!!!! and his daughter, his daughter's handsome Iowan farmer savior (baby Mark Harmon*), a kindly and efficient nurse (Shirley Jones), a drunken Texas billionaire (Slim Pickens), and a middle-aged woman (Shirley Knight) who refuses to leave her blind husband (Jack Warden).

*My keyboard has run out of exclamation points.

As you suspect, Telly Savalas's crew have less-than-noble intentions, making Mike's gold-hungry hunting seem admirable by comparison. As Mike slowly warms to the idea of helping save lives, the other group finds what they were really looking for: crates of firearms and a batch of plutonium. 

Oh, and did I mention THIS BOAT IS SINKING?

Like many sequels to huge hits, Beyond the Poseidon Adventure tries to cover its predecessor's greatest hits. Instead of a doubtful swimming record, we get different accounts of personal achievement in the long jump. A slippery ladder is contractually obligated to reappear. The oldest character makes a heroic sacrifice to save others. And so on. 

Much in the vein of The Lost World to Jurassic Park, Beyond the Poseidon Adventure was commissioned to original novelist Paul Gallico as a book sequel to the film that differed from his book in order to provide the material for a film sequel. As one might expect, that kind of warped timeline doesn't necessarily yield the finest screenplay. 

Irwin Allen, who had produced the first film, moved into the director's chair here. His touch is a few steps below Ronald Neame's, never quite capturing the sheer grandiosity of the disaster at hand. Instead of understanding just how terrifying being trapped in a capsized ship can be, we get axe murders and a shootout.

 

It was probably impossible to match the energy of The Poseidon Adventure. Ultimately, this film really does sit in the same, expected space as Home Alone 2 and Die Harder with the usual foibles of trying to recapture lightning in an expensive but leaking bottle. Still, the utter '70s of it has a certain charm that's hard to resist.

High Points

She's not given the best material, but by golly is Sally Field adorable in what could have been a very annoying role

Low Points

Even with a cast this stacked, the basic truth that these are people who LITERALLY boarded a sinking ship, so much of the actual horror seems a bit muted. The straggling survivors don't even seem to be THAT bothered by the fact that they've been trapped in the middle of the ocean for a full day

Lessons Learned

Never confuse an arms dealer with an impotent terrorist

Being trapped under a sinking luxury liner for a few hours gives one plenty of time to think about the future

Enormous boat disasters merit just one round of coast guard rescues

Advertising At Its Best

I recorded this movie off TCM, which occasionally sprinkles in some commercials for its various themed offshoots, including a Disney-sponsored luxury cruise liner with classic movie stars and screenings. I can't quantify just how much joy it brings me to inform you that this commercial airs before a movie about, you know, a luxury cruise liner sinking into disaster

Rent/Bury/Buy

Beyond the Poseidon Adventure is many, many decks below the perfection of The Poseidon Adventure. It's a bit shrill and very messy, but I can't say I wasn't entertained by the sheer bigness of it. Those curious probably won't be bored, so as long as you go in with low expectations, you'll likely have a good enough time. 

Found(ational) Footage

 

Following the somewhat pleasant surprise of 2006's The Gravedancers, I found myself surfing the options on Amazon Prime and landing on a whole other batch of low budget aughts horror. My defenses slightly softened, I figured why not take a chance on one starring Cordelia Chase and Parker Lewis?

Quick Plot: In 1951, a group of early cosplayers reenact The Sandlot with deadly consequences. One boy brings his bullies a baseball signed by Babe Ruth, prompting a home run directly to the door of the dreaded Wicker House. The kid decides a suburban legends is a safer gamble than abusive father, so he heads over to retrieve it before being taken by something unseen.

Cut to the present (in this case, 2010) as the crew of Sinister Sites is prepping their next shoot at the same location. The network show is hosted by the jerky Quentin French (Corn Nemec), slicked back ponytail helping to tell us everything we need to know. He's assisted by an equally jerky producer Tom and an exhausted team slightly refreshed by the presence of new cast member/psychic Heather (Charisma Carpenter).

It doesn't take long for the house to make some moves. One PA disappears almost immediately, as real deal Heather becomes nauseous as she gets otherworldly visions (JUST LIKE CORDELIA CHASE). The house quickly traps the group inside as things get bloody.

Directed by Jeffery Scott Lando (best known to me as the man behind Decoys 2: Alien Seduction), House of Bones has its moments. Nemec is having fun being awful, and the early stabs at 'reality' TV are occasionally quite clever. But House of Bones isn't interested in committing itself to the horror comedy category, and it never comes close to being actually scary. When you combine mediocre staging with mostly awful characters, the result loses its charm.

High Points

Maybe because its budget was never going to push it into real scary territory, I can happily say that I did chuckle several times at House of Bones' jokes. There are far more successful Ghosthunter parodies out there, but the early setup of Sinister Sites' opening credits and Nemec's commitment to playing a tool go a long way in keeping the film's sense of humor clicking

Low Points

There's a mild attempt to explore something interesting in the house's history of enslavement, but sometimes, ambition simply exceeds skill and you find yourself thinking, "are you the right team to tell this kind of story?"

Lessons Learned

You don't plant slime in walls

So long as the Wisconsin Convention Center offers you more than $10K for a comic convention, you're still a star

Wikipedia can make you look very cultured

Rent/Bury/Buy

House of Bones isn't good, but it entertained me well enough as I made my grocery list for the week ahead. There has to be an IMDB tag for that, right? 

I Only Came Here For the Meatballs

One of the best ways to bring some life to a predictable genre is to put the action in an unusual or rarely-used setting. Hunting teenagers in IKEA? Sign me up!

Quick Plot: A group of teenagers infiltrates House Idea (get it?), a home store that preaches environmental awareness while looting rain forests for raw materials. Their plan is to make some videos of their protest art to share it with the world. And if time allows, there's also some flirting and paintball.

Unfortunately for them, this happens to be the night that brother security guards Kevin and Jack are stuck on the overnight shift after the socially awkward, physically dominating Kevin freaked out some customers. Jack is already multiple sheets to the wind when the kids have made a full breach. Nervous about being caught drunk, he encourages Kevin to get the kids out without telling their supervisors. 

Kevin takes things a bit too far. 

See, when not lumbering around the home good section, Kevin spends most of his time watching survivalist videos and setting animal traps. He's one of those dangerous men who probably fantasizes about making it through an apocalypse in order to prove his own skills. 

The teenagers are woefully outmatched, both physically and mentally. Only Yasmin seems to have any sort of working brain cells. This is Kevin's terrain.

Wake Up is a good idea turned into a mediocre movie. Directing partners Anouk and Yoann-Karl Whissell (Turbo Kid, Summer of '84)  get a lot of fun out of their space, racing their teens around in flatbed carts as they hide in home store pockets when not being forced to assemble furniture. It's what you want from a slasher film set in this kind of location.

I wish the movie had a little more heft. The teenagers are as disposable as a bag of Swedish meatballs, with the script never treating their mission with an ounce of weight. Likewise, Kevin is basically Michael Meyers without a mask, which sounds more interesting than it plays out.

Still, it's hard to be too mad at an 83-minute slasher set in IKEA.

High Points

I wish a move set after hours in IKEA had more fun with its surroundings, but the Whissells do make some visual magic late in the film with some glow-in-the-dark body coatings that combine Predator with The Purge 

Low Points

I thought we moved past that nasty mid-2000s of [SPOILER ALERT] killing our final girl through some forgotten trap in the last minute of screentime, but I guess I forgot an eternal truth: French horror (even when part Canadian) is always mean

Lessons Learned

Corporate windows are a lot thicker than they look

Getting stabbed in the back is no excuse to not continue to run fairly quickly around a large store

Always use caution when reaching for a high shelf (this is useful advice whether you're shopping in a recent homicide site or just, you know, Costco)

You Might Like...

For a similar setup that takes a less slasher, more Michael Haneke-ish path, check out Bertrand Bonello's Nocturama. It's also a nihilist film about young French radicals hiding out after hours in a sprawling department store, but it's, well, good

Rent/Bury/Buy

Wake Up doesn't hit its potential, but it's a short, quick little watch that might still show you something new. It's a disappointment due to its promising setup, but I didn't feel like I wasted 83 minutes of my life. Find it on Kanopy the next time you lose a screw to your bookcase and need some way to vent.

Werewolves of London (well, France that sounds like London)

I am as passionate about the belief that we should have more historical horror as I am that we should have less werewolf movies. 

This makes The Cursed an even draw. 

Quick Plot: A World War I prelude introduces us to a French captain in the trenches. His injuries land him in a medical tent where a doctor extracts a few German bullets...and one silver.

Back in time we go! It's now 1881, and a colony of awful French(?) men with British accents are trying to take over land occupied by the Romani. With their supposedly generous financial offer rejected, they fall to plan B: full-out massacre, along with a public crucifixion and live burial of the tribe's leaders.

It's a genuinely horrific sequence, one that puts us in the audience firmly on the side of whatever monster will be unleashed by the dying words of an elder covered in dirt.

Unfortunately, I don't think the movie quite understood that. 

Written and directed by Sean Ellis, The Cursed is a handsome film that has an appealing grandeur to its style. It's filled with sprawling country estates and candlelit mansions, and occasionally, fairly disappointing CGI werewolf creatures that feel better placed in an Underworld universe. 

Yes, we know my lifelong ambivalence around lycanthropy on film (it just always looks silly). The design of The Cursed's creatures is actually fine, though every time they have to move, the gothic undertones are pretty much undone by 21st century graphics. 

Ultimately, that wasn't my issue with The Cursed. The film starts incredibly strong. The sequences of violence are not only brutal to watch, but succeed in laying such inarguable groundwork of who our villains in this story will be. Yes, it's awful that these men's actions will haunt their innocent children, but considering we just watched them murder a whole village, the price seems sadly reasonable. 

There could have been a fascinating tale to tell in exploring the morality here. Instead, The Cursed brings in what I guess is a leading man (Boyd Holbrook's John McBride) to come in and try to save the children. McBride had his own dark history with the Romani werewolves, having lost his wife and daughter to their curse some years earlier. So...I guess we're supposed to be back on team WASP?

At 111 minutes, The Cursed suffers from its second half pacing. Had it maintained its focus on the children or allowed anyone to discover and reconcile with just WHY their fathers brought such horrors upon them, it could have been something challenging and special. Instead, it seems to just turn its back on the instigating crime and hedge its bets on a handsome, bland werewolf hunter with zero charisma. 

High Points

The early sequences where we see the settlement's children experience collective Nightmare On Elm Street-like dreams packs some unsettling scares

Low Points

...which unfortunately sets us up for a major disappointment when the children get pushed to the background and we're left with unlikable or dull adults as our stars

Lessons Learned

Any girl who has brothers should know to never keep a diary

Women wore a lot of eyeliner in the late nineteenth century

Just when you thought the Victorian era couldn't get any worse, it doubles down: to be a good house guest, one must listen to your host's teenage teenager struggle for high notes she can't reach

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Cursed has generally positive reviews, and it's hard to call it a bad movie based on the production values alone (especially considering the last thing I watched was narrated by Billy Blanks). That being said, a near-two hour movie that fizzles after 45 minutes is hard for me to recommend. If you're curious, find it on Netflix. 

Take Five

 

I don't really consider myself a completist, but there are some pockets of pop culture that feel wrong not to master. 

Case in point: a seemingly endless horror franchise centered on murderous children.

This is my bread and butter! Or more appropriately, this is my butter-slathered corn!

I have a deep affection for 1984's Children of the Corn, a film I grew up watching far too often. Every member of my family has, at one point in time, randomly deepened their voice to moan, "Malachaiiiiiiii". It's just what you did in the Intravia household.

We rented the first sequel as soon as it came to our local video store. Some decades ago, I tried to continue on and did manage to watch parts III (the city one with Charlize Theron) and IV (the dull one with Naomi Watts) and eventually got back on track with the late aughts remake and must-remake-quickly-to-retain-rights sequels. I rather enjoyed the most recent, fairly dumb one. And with the smell of fall in the air and my 4-on-1 Blu Ray on my shelf, I figured it was time to dive into the installments I missed.

Quick Plot: A young boy named Ezekiel is alone in the cornfields when he stumbles on some kind of entity that Care Bear stares some kind of green laser at his body. One year later, a couple is bemoaning their disappointing crops when Ezekiel comes to visit, laser levitating the man and summoning his friends to murder the woman with sharp farm tools. Welcome to Gatlin!

The next day (maybe? what is time?), a horrid college age couple are driving through town when they stop to get hacked to death by the same kids. Their four friends are a few miles behind and crash into some corn, derailing their ill-defined plans to scatter their late pal's ashes. 

The group swings by a bar manned by stunt coordinator Kane Hodder. Allison is shaken when she learns that the children one town over are under the sway of cult leader Luke, who preaches the word of He Who Walks Behind the Rows. That's the same entity Allison's younger brother Jacob ran away from home to follow, and feeling guilty for abandoning him to their abusive alcoholic father, she decides to track him down.

Things go as well as you'd expect for a quartet of young people stranded in a rural town where children murder trespassers and sacrifice themselves to an eternal flame burning in a silo. 

Allison reunited with Jacob, discovering that he's about to be both a father and human sacrifice. Depressed friend Kir (played by the camera-ready Eva Mendez in her film debut) finds herself drawn to the peace of the kids' religion while Tyrus and Greg (Alexis Arquette!) try to help Allison save her brother. Sheriff Fred Williamson is of little help.

Well, he does achieve some kind of gruesome brain melding with cult leader Luke, but it ends in both of their faces being melted off, so draw?

As you probably can guess by the fact that this is the fifth installment and third straight-to-video Children of the Corn, Fields of Terror is not a particularly good movie. But remember folks, we're in a different realm here, and standards must instead be held to whether this is a good Children of the Corn direct-to-video sequel.

Good? What is good? Who can say. 

Fun? Did I have fun? Yes damnit, I did. 

The soap operatic soundtrack anytime a character got thoughtful. The way children narrowing their eyes was all you need to establish their homicidal nature. Wondering if seeing David Carradine sitting in a chair, delivering some word salad testament is what made Quentin Tarantino say, "that's my (Kill) Bill!" Director Ethan Wiley probably made a better movie with House II: The Second Story, but you know what? This is the film of his that I'll watch again.

High Points

It was a nice "that makes sense" moment to see Kane Hodder's name pop up in the credits as Stunt Coordinator, since a lot of the actual violence and horror elements work decently for, you know, the third straight-to-video installment of a never-great franchise

Low Points

Most of the Children of the Corn movies live and die on the creepiness of their primary young villain. Think of the strange unearthliness of John Franklin's Isaac or the soulless eyes of Courtney Gains' Malachi. Unfortunately, young Adam Wiley just doesn't have the evil spark you want here. Could I buy him as the kind of kid who would tuck his chewing gum under a desk or place a whoopie cushion on his teacher's chair? Sure. Do I believe he could lead a cult of homicidal minors? Sadly not.

Lessons Learned

Don't get your hopes up: you won't find a 7/11 at the end of the world

The definition of "a couple of beers" can mean half of one

Before you leave your grandchild in the arms of his new adopted mother, maybe make sure she knows how to support his infant head?

Rent/Bury/Buy

Should one invest any effort in securing and watching Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror? No, I'm not cruel enough to suggest such things. But if one happened to buy a four-pack Blu Ray that has this one on it, and 90 minutes to kill whilst laying out this week's grocery list and catching up on crossword puzzles, then yes, this here is certainly a decent way to pass more time.