Let's Shake Things Up

Maybe it's because I like interactive seasonal toys...

Or maybe it's because this was the first time I understood a Far Side cartoon:

Or maybe, just maybe, it's that they're really cool.

No matter the reason, any genre film that involves evil/haunted/possessed/powerful snow globes is, to me, worth a watch.

Quick Plot: Welcome to Normal, Alaska, where it's not only not snowing in December, but is also warm enough for a light jacket. We're used to such details in a Hallmark film, but in the case of Snowmageddon, it might have some deeper meaning. 

Nuclear family the Millers are having a quiet evening setting up for Christmas when they discover an unmarked present under their tree. Young Rudy opens it and is delighted to find a detailed snow globe that matches his small town. Nothing unusual in that, but moments later, an earthquake causes some rifts in the ground...of both the real world and the floor of...THE SNOW GLOBE. 

What follows is an efficiently competent Christmas disaster film. 

Such a statement can be read as positive or disappointing, I know.

As someone who grew up in a very Mystery Science Theater 3000 era of joyfully discovering the fun inherent in incompetent cinema, "bad" movies remain enjoyable only when they're trying to reach some level of good. Some dozen or so years ago, The SyFy Channel learned to perfect their packaging of low effort genre films that were clearly manufactured to SEEM like a "so bad it's good" experience. For me, it's inauthentic and made for a different audience.

Snowmageddon, despite being a low budget straight-to-who-knows-where-but-not-a-big-screen CGI-fueled quickie about a magical snow globe that causes natural disasters, is, thankfully, NOT an offshoot of the School of Sharknado. It's earnest. It's a bit self-serious. It tries.

So sure: it's therefore a little dull. Those expecting Shark Attack 3: Megalodon levels of buffoonery will walk away feeling a bit shortchanged. There's nothing overtly stupid about this movie, even if, as I really can't say enough, the story is about a magical snow globe that causes natural disasters.

High Points

Enough can't be said about the cast (including The Faculty's Laura Harris), all of whom clearly approached the material knowing the best way to make it work was to play it straight

Low Points

How can you possibly make a movie about a powerful world-ending snow globe and never, you know, address the reason for why this angry piece of winter decoration is trying to end the world?

Breathe Easy

Mo, the beautiful malamute who first warns the family that their snowglobe is a tool of evil, emerges unscathed 

Lessons Learned:

Being professional means no ogling or drooling

Everyone knows that Santa only brings gifts down the chimney (said with sass by a teenager)

When in doubt, just wait for an active volcano to reveal itself and solve your geological problems

Rent/Bury/Buy

It's hard to know what kind of viewer would get the most out of Snowmageddon. The movie isn't campy enough to be that much fun, nor is it, well, good enough to be actually good. We're grading on a very particular SyFy Channel curve here. The movie is far more competent than its premise and pedigree would lead you to expect, but it never quite rises to be anything overly memorable. Still, if you, like me, see "An Alaskan family receives a mysterious snowglobe that causes a global catastrophe" as the premise of a film and think, "obviously, I'm watching," you can find it on Amazon Prime. 

Tis the Seasonal Horror

Wait...that's not it.

Okay.

For a rough stretch in the mid-aughts, Christmas horror had become the new zombie movie in that amateur filmmakers could make them cheaply, slap on a clever title or cover art, and find some form of distribution. The mere keyword of having the holiday on a virtual video shelf would often be enough for a spot. 

This seems to have passed, though today's feature feels very much a throwback. 

Quick Plot: Cole is a crappy teenager who would rather play video games rather than help his little sister Carol install the Christmas lights. Considering it's pitch black outside and snowing, he's not necessarily wrong for feeling that way, but he still shouldn't handle it like a little jerk (with an incredibly irresponsible mother). Carol climbs up the roof, quickly slips and finds herself dangling in front of Cole's window, a string of lights cutting off her circulation. 

Twenty years later, Cole is not good. He stayed in town and works as a mechanic, living a solitary life with his only companion being the titular Christmas Spirit, embodied by a masked wrestler with holiday leanings. Cole is pretty sure his buddy is the manifestation of his guilt by way of unmedicated schizophrenia, but it's still hard to resist socializing with the only other creature that seems to want anything to do with this gross, sad man.

The Christmas Spirit, however, has goals. It's convinced that Cole's guilt has trapped him in this form until Cole can restore the meaning of Christmas by way of a sacrifice. 

Enter Maggie, a social media superstar teenager (is there any other kind these days?) who loses her own love of the holiday when she catches her married mom in bed with her very own piano teacher. The fact that Maggie bears an uncanny resemblance to Carol gives The Christmas Spirit an idea: Cole must repeat Carol's accident on Maggie to...save Christmas?

Yeah, I never quite got it. Written and directed on what I must assume was a shoestring budget by Bennet De Brabandere, The Christmas Spirit is a clunky but earnest horror comedy that seems to be in battle between how much it actually wants to say about mental illness. Cole is pretty sure that his companion exists purely in his head, though the film suggests another boy (possibly suffering from similar symptoms) can see him.

It doesn't come together, though it's hard to not appreciate the energy that goes into the full product. The cast is game to do the ridiculous, straight down to the keystone cop sidekicks who make The Last House On the Left's characters look like the model of law enforcement. Maybe De Brabandere was a little too ambitious in trying to explore mental illness when his material would have worked better as a sillier, less complicated joke. By trying in half measures, the final product feels a tad...icky.

High Points

This is one of those cases where you have to imagine the cast had to do a lot of heavy lifting, and while not gunning for Oscars any time soon, Zion Forrest Lee gives his all as the pathetic Cole, while Matia Jacket shows very promising comic timing as Maggie. 

Low Points

Aforementioned muddiness regarding, "Is this funny?" or "Is this tragic mental illness?" And yes, I say this as someone who would throw her body in front of a sleigh to defend the honor of Christmas Evil

Lessons Learned

In no scenario is it smart parenting to let your young teenager install holiday lights on the roof when it's dark and snowing

The only upside about catching your mother having an affair around the holidays is that it will give you free reign on her credit card

The true meaning of Christmas is sacrifice (as in, human)

Rent/Bury/Buy

There's definitely a contingent of genre fans who appreciate unusual low budget horror that will find some things of interest in The Christmas Spirit. I don't think the film gets anywhere near where it's heading, but as a small, seasonal effort, there are certainly some things here I haven't seen before, and more importantly, it feels as though the full team was invested in making something unique. If you're in that very specific demographic, give it a low expectations try via Shudder or Tubi. 

Tongue-Tied

What's a great way to get horror fans to watch your movie? Release an American remake that makes viewers mad, then gets good reviews, then makes you realize that you'll inevitably have to watch both. 

We are simple folk. 

Quick Plot: Louise and Bjorn are a Danish couple with a daughter named Agnes. While on a group vacation to Italy, they hit it off with a similarly aged family from Holland: Patrick the doctor, Karin his wife, and Abel, their pleasant son who was born without a tongue. 

Back home in their tight apartment, loaded with the kinds of schedule items any young couple with a child have, Bjorn clearly feels a little disconnected. He's thrilled when Patrick sends a postcard inviting the family to spend a few days in their country estate. Fresh air and good company, what could possibly go wrong?

Since this movie is streaming on Shudder, obviously, quite a bit. 

Louise is quickly unsettled. Patrick dismisses her vegetarianism (well, pescetarianism) by pressuring her to eat some pork. He plays music too loud, drinks and drives, doesn't respect boundaries, and tricks Bjorn into paying for dinner that was supposed to be a treat. When Louise discovers Agnes sleeping in a nude Patrick and Karin's bed, it's the last straw. The family decides to leave, only to return immediately when Agnes's beloved stuffed animal goes missing. Once confronted with Patrick and Karin's apologies, how can they possibly be rude guests and still abandon their hosts?

To say much more about Speak No Evil would be a spoiler, though any savvy horror viewer can probably piece together a few more developments. Things get awkward, then dangerous, then rather shockingly dark in a pretty brilliant way that I haven't quite seen before. 

There are those who hate to see fingernails ripped off onscreen or any pain directed at Achilles heels. For a civilized audience, what's scarier? Being perceived as being rude. 

Speak No Evil is a horror movie about manners, and a pretty brilliant one at that. Louise is ready to call out Patrick and Karin for some of their rudeness, but as soon as she's confronted with her mistake, she surrenders all agency. Bjorn is clearly as flattered by Patrick's attention as he is embarrassed by Louise raising tension. It's the awkwardness that damns our characters, and while it's easy to scream at them from our couches, it's also one of the most strangely identifiable horror movie scenarios I've ever seen. 

High Points

I wish I could say so much more about everyone's performance, but I really do hate to give away too much. All four leads are simply perfect.

Low Points

I don't know that Speak No Evil is a perfect film, but honestly, I can't think of a single misstep it makes. Every action feels like a deliberate drive towards the conclusion. I have nothing negative to say.

Lessons Learned

When traveling abroad, you don't have to become fluent in the country's language, but at least learn the word that identifies your child's beloved stuffed animal

Mermaids represent Denmark well (though they're also small and disappointing)

Holland is a cheese country

Rent/Bury/Buy

I was satisfied by Speak No Evil when I finished it this morning, and now, 8 hours later as I sat down to write about it, I realized it's, well, kind of perfect? This isn't the scariest film of its year or even most shocking. It's just GOOD. The story is something that is all too easy to understand, and yet, one that I haven't quite seen told this way (or this well) in many years of genre watching. Find it on Shudder. 

Swapping Bodies Bodies Bodies

 

Unlikable but attractive young people are a hallmark of horror. We watch this genre knowing characters will die, so making them pleasant to look at and just awful enough to kind of wish violence upon their knockout bodies is reasonable. 

The flip of this is that insufferable characters can often make for an insufferable watching experience. Take something like The Alpines, which has a similar setup to today's feature. Watching it, I would have rather my Roku malfunctioned than watch each character meet their end. With Greg Jardin's It's What's Inside, we get equally bratty characters but played by such charming actors that I was all in.

Quick Plot: Cyrus (James Morosini) and Shelby (Brittany O'Grady) have hit a rut in their relationship. She's desperately trying to implement new risks in the bedroom, while he would rather just watch porn whenever she heads out for a run. They're not on the same page but bound for the same weekend getaway to their pal Rueben's coed bachelor party, held in the unusual mansion of his late artist mother. 

In tow is the usual round of hot young adults a few years out of college but still holding onto past grudges and crushes. There's influencer Nikki (Fear the Walking Dead's Alycia Debnam-Carey), stoner Brooke, free spirit Maya, bad boy Dennis, and surprise guest Forbes, who was expelled from college and the gang after an intense argument with Dennis over Forbes' underage sister. Forbes has since had a minor tech bro glow-up and comes armed to party with the ultimate pre-wedding game: a machine that lets you body swap.

Tossing in copious amounts of drugs and alcohol to such a mix (the untested technology AND complicated matrix of sexual entanglements) leads, as you might have guessed it, to an act of violence and chaotic horror. 

Written and directed by Greg Jardin, It's What's Inside calls to mind the similarly themed and styled Bodies Bodies Bodies. The movie itself is fully in control of how flawed its own characters are, and the cast does a tremendous job in playing out those dynamics. It also manages to be a little deeper in how these people actually relate to one another. The smartest move the script makes is framing the whole story with Shelby and Cyrus's stale romance. It always serves as a sort of compass to the rest of the night's hijinks while also exploring something relatable and awful (and often very funny, thanks to O'Grady, Morosini, and a few of the bodies they end up in).

It's What's Inside isn't quite a masterpiece, and does seem to miss out on a few opportunities to explore more fundamentally interesting questions about body and identity. Still, it's an incredibly good time that I found kinetic and fun. 

High Points

Jardin plays with quite a few visual tricks, making his film occasionally feel like a more grownup TikTok video. Weirdly, it works, especially if you think a little more deeply about how much everyone's different perspectives are constantly driving each action in the story

Low Points

I think the number of characters had to follow a certain logic in order to mathematically add up to the storyline, but I do think the film stumbles a tiny bit in not having enough time to differentiate Brooke and Maya. Neither gets quite enough time to develop before the swap, which makes any reference to both always slightly confusing.

Lessons Learned

A real friend remembers your life-threatening allergies

The best cure for a headache is a new body

Body swapped sex is probably hot and weird, but it shouldn't let you off the hook for taking basic safety precautions

Rent/Bury/Buy

You will likely know very quickly whether It's What's Inside is for you. For me, it was a blast, though I can see its tone not connecting with many a viewer. Find it on Netflix.

Won't You Kill My Neighbor?

“Evil Mr. Rogers” is a concept that screams for the horror treatment. How has it taken this long?

Quick Plot: Young Darren loves nothing more than Mr. Crocket, a Mr. Rogers-y television show that airs during miserable dinners with his timid mother Rhonda and abusive stepfather Kevin. After a tense round of string beans, Mr. Crocket himself shows up for a bite...of Kevin. 

Elsewhere in town, 8-year-old Major is struggling to understand the death of his father, deflecting with video games and outbursts while his mother Summer tries her best to move forward. He's throwing tantrums and making Mom's life pure misery. Self-help parenting tapes do little to aid Summer, but when a clamshell-cased episode of Mr. Crocket shows up in the free mailbox outside her home, she figures it's worth a try. 

Major is hooked, and it only takes a few days for Mr. Crocket to take hold (figuratively and literally). Like Darren, Major seems to have vanished through his living room walls, leaving Summer fraught with an unbelievable story and heavy heart. 

The police don't believe her, even though several other missing children in town have followed the same pattern. A little library research leads Summer to Rhonda and Eddie, whose daughter went missing under similar circumstances. Together, they decide to open Mr. Crocket’s door and retrieve their children.

It’s not quite as easy as one would hope. The bright colors of the VHS set prove to be far darker in Mr. Crocket’s actual hell, a violent landscape born out of the horrors of collective abuse curated by its own Freddy Kruegger-ish host. 

Expanded from a short film, Mr. Crocket is a fabulous concept and a good final product. Carl Reid and director Brandon Espy’s script is filled with clever ideas and clearly has some deep things to explore regarding what it means to grow up in a home marked by violence. Doing so through a murderous Mr. Rogers is pretty genius. 

The film doesn’t quite live up to it. You can feel the budget bursting, particularly in the somewhat muddled finale. I don’t know what the time frame was from short film to feature, but the final script probably needed one more draft or ten more minutes of runtime to feel complete. It’s disappointing only because the idea is so fresh. Overall, this is a solid little film that’s quite enjoyable, even if it doesn’t quite meet its own expectations. 

High Points

As the titular Mr. Crocket, Elvis Nolasco is clearly relishing the opportunity to play such a twisted character. It’s a juicy performance that goes a very long way

Low Points

I realize more and more every day that audiences aren’t quite as smart as I would think, but it still irks me when a movie feels the need to lay out its themes so directly. “I was born in the fires of hell and abuse” should be subtext, not actual dialogue

High/Low Point You Should Only Read To Be Spoiled

I wondered a LOT about Alex Akpobome’s choices in playing Eddie. Bad casting or bad acting? Turns out, neither, because the character isn’t at all what you think (thank goodness)

Lessons Learned

Junk food just makes you sleepy and tired

One should always use some caution with free libraries, but particularly in the 1980s when they weren’t actually a thing

Further Reading

While watching Mr. Crocket, I found myself thinking a lot about Kiersten White’s Mr. Magic, a genre novel that plays with a similar setup involving an ‘80s style children’s show gone wrong. The one is more Mormons meet Romper Room, but if you were looking for another spin on this kind of setup, give it a read.

Rent/Bury/Buy

Mr. Crocket is a little rough around the edges, but it’s such a fresh idea that any horror fan (particularly one who spends far too much time complaining about sequels and reboots) really owes it to the genre to give it a watch. It’s a quick 90 minutes on Hulu.

I'm Geeking Out...About Christmas

We interrupt this regularly scheduled space of movie talk to cordially invite you to see ME, in person!

If you're anywhere near the Brooklyn area on December 5th, consider getting yourself a ticket to, as the poster says, a VERY special evening where I'll join comedian Kevin Maher in bringing you some seasonal entertainment. What does that mean exactly?

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT!