Time for a Good Wax

 

Is there a horror fan alive who doesn't love a wax museum?

I'd guess not, even though there's a good argument to be made that we've never actually had a great wax museum movie. Yes, the Waxwork flicks are fun and every variation of House of Wax is melty in all the best ways, but you know, neither franchise really produced an actual GREAT film. 

IS THIS THE DAY THAT ALL CHANGES? 

Quick Plot: At the start of the 20th century, Parisian police discover a grisly crime scene that turns their stomachs. A couple has been brutally slain, body parts scattered around the room or missing. The only witness is their young daughter Sonia. Inspector Lavin vows to solve the crime, but twelve years pass without a lead.

Grown and gorgeous Sonia is now on the job hunt in Rome, where she lands a wardrobe position at the city's newest attraction: a wax museum specializing in violent tableaus. The spot has already been in the news after a young man of leisure died inside after taking on a dare to spend the night.  

Surely there's nothing to worry about! It's just a wax museum! That ... focuses on violent tableaus, including the murder of Sonia's parents.

It doesn't take long for Sonia to suspect curator Boris and his creepy assistant Alex. She quickly teams up with reporter Andrea to investigate (along with some other things). Meanwhile, good old Inspector Lavin comes to town determined to help. Along the way, a few Romans of all ages disappear, with oddly similar faces debuting later in waxy glory.

Made in 1997, Wax Mask (not "Wax Max", as I keep writing, which feels very Rural Juror of me for those who understand) is gooey and gross and feels wonderfully out of time. There's a true Hammer Horror style in its bones, but those bones are also covered in wildly grand practical monster makeup and random callbacks to The Terminator.

I loved it.

Wax Mask apparently began as a Lucio Fulci project, but his death saw producer Dario Argento pass the reins on to special effects maestro Sergio Stivaletti. There was certainly some heft lost in the transfer. The acting is a bit stiff, even if you push most of that blame onto weird dubbing. Perhaps more importantly, Fulci (admittedly my personal favorite of the genre's Italians) might have come at the material with something to say. 

Instead, we get something that looks really, really cool.  

High Points

Seriously: Stivaletti holds nothing back in giving us hot acid baths, robot hands, essence-sucking waxing, and so much more

Low Points

I still don't understand the exact connection between Sonia and Boris, or Alex's actual opinion on things, or, you know, anything about the characters. Thankfully, I don't really care

Lessons Learned

Being an investigative photojournalist was a lot harder when cameras were the size of Warwick Davis

Every movie set in a wax museum must end with a very drawn out fire (I don't make the rules, but I do love them)

I never thought this had to be said, but here we go: when conducting an autopsy, it's important to check for a heartbeat before, you know, slicing into a possibly living chest

Rent/Bury/Buy

I flipped on Tubi one morning when I was frustrated with having to think too hard, and what a perfect decision I made. Wax Mask is silly and gross and in a word, grand. Have fun.