DJ Tanner In Your Stocking: Moonlight & MIstletoe

Let's start by examining the box cover to Moonlight and Mistletoe:

Based on the framing, what might you think this film is about? A mismatched love triangle where Tom Arnold fights for Candace Cameron-Burke's heart, battling her blandly handsome hug partner? I'm an avowed hater of the floating head poster, but seeing the full bodies awkwardly photoshopped in positions that don't make any sense isn't THAT much better.

But relax, my little reindeer, for Moonlight and Mistletoe does not ask you to imagine Roseanne's ex-husband pursuing a bleach blond D.J. Tanner. Though you might not guess it from the bizarre cover, Cameron-Burke plays--hold your breath--a no-nonsense business woman who HATES Christmas (shocked gasp) because DAD Tom Arnold has spent his whole life playing Santa Claus.

By whole life, I REALLY mean whole life. Arnold runs one of those creepy year-round Santalands where IT'S ALWAYS CHRISTMAS! While this sounds like a charming idea to some, I've personally always thought such a business to be incredibly off-putting in a Twilight Zone manner. The people inside Snowglobe? Not. Healthy. Then again, I also work an actual job so perhaps it's just that I need a handsome man, fading C-list celebrity, montage, and a few commercial breaks to teach me the true meaning of the holiday.

Quick Plot: All her life, young Holly has had to work as Santa's head elf--not daughter--prompting an eventual move to Boston where the grown up and severely arched eyebrowed young woman acts as any single career gal by speaking on her blue tooth and eating Chinese takeout with chopsticks.

They're all the same.

Now that it's the holly-days, Holly heads home to the country to visit Dad--I mean, Santa--and his new head elf/wood carving assistant Peter. We first met Peter in the prologue where his family made a pit stop at the winter village and he had a two minute conversation with the fellow tween Holly about nutcrackers. Now grown up and handsome by bland family channel standards, Peter has spent the rest of his life carving said nutcrackers because he was always charmed by that elf he met and eventually decided to hunt down her father and work for him for free.

Nope. Nothing weird about that at all.

Being home for the holidays, in case you don't know, is REALLY hard for a career woman like Holly. There's the uncomfortable meetups with old high school frenemies, something Holly thwarts by asking said local if her high school sweetheart's husband still has acne (apparently they don't teach manners at business school). Frenemy's payback is to set Holly up with a handsome, dark-haired fellow city boy (cue ominous music) who works as a financial analyst (cue mustache twirl) and most nefarious of all, is quite eager to help Santa Arnold out with some new financial woes (might as well cut to lair filled with dead orphans stuffed inside dead puppies).

See, Santa doesn't exactly make big bucks, especially when he's played by Tom Arnold as a borderline mentally challenged doofus. Arnold has been ignoring the pile of bank bills, saving them as a Christmas present for his dear daugh--er, elf to deal with. Turns out, the village needs to make $50,000 by New Year's Eve to stay in business, otherwise--with the 'help' of the Evil Financial Analyst--the property goes to cruel land developers who hate Christmas and Deserve To Die.

I mean, they don't SAY that but as an informed audience member, you know the truth.

Also, Holly teaches her pops what a blog is and yes, the results are as obnoxious as you imagine. 

Lessons Learned

Never trust a man who opens his presents on Christmas Eve. It's like the Holiday In Handcuffs equivalent of twisting your Oreos!

Sorry doesn’t feed the cat

50 grand is a lot of money, so much in fact that it will make Candace Cameron-Burke's voice SOUND REALLY ANNOYING

Montage Mania

You can't make $50,000 in one month without one!

Stocking Stuffer or Stuffed With Coal?

You need a lot of eggnog to survive Moonlight and Mistletoe. That or a weird attraction to Tom Arnold. I’m not judging or anything (past crushes include Rick Moranis and Jon Lovtiz) but you know...I’m just SAYING it’s not a good movie. 

And crushing on TA is weird.