Friday, October 30, 2009

Michael's Monster Mash

I bet you must think I love Halloween. 

You don't know me.

364 days of the year, I'm a normal guy. A little quiet. Kinda tall. But on the whole, not much different from your average former mental patient bearing a slight resemblance to William Shatner.

I’m cool with that. If I had wanted to be famous, I would’ve done a reality show, not gone head-to-head with Mickey Rourke to see which beefy thespian could sabotage his career with worse script choices. There’s a reason I didn’t do Halloween III: no way was I gonna share the stage with Tom Atkins. That dude elevates every performance around him and before you could’ve said silver shamrock, I’d be a red carpet fixture.

I don’t need that.\n\nYet here we are again. It’s October 30th, and like any supervillain with a franchise to his name, I gotta go to work. It's tiring. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. Sure, it doesn't look like I run fast, but if you saw my frenemy Leslie' Vernon's self-indulgent documentary (more on that douche later), you'd know that it takes both physical agility and self-discipline to take such long strides while still looking like we're just strolling down the street with time to kill. I didn't even get to the blood stains, bullet wounds, or fact that I've never ever had the chance to just wind down with some leftover fun-sized Milky Ways and enjoy Charlie Brown's misadventures.\n\nIn a way, I totally know how Santa Clause feels. Except I’ve never tasted a butter cookie with green sprinkles.\n\nSo this year, I decided to do something different. It helped that I planned ahead and got my killing spree out of the way in August. Some may say it's not the same, but my mom seemed to approve. She even got me a pony, and that’s just super awesome to the extreme. Besides: my psychiatrist keeps bugging me about getting out of my shell or self-imposed blackness or whatever, so I wanted to show him that I'm not as unresponsive as he thinks. Then he died. For like, the eighth time. So now I have no ascot to prove anything to but guess what? I already sent out the invites.\n\nGruuuuuuuuuuunt. First of all, this might surprise you, but I don't...well...I don't have many friends. I go to bars and just sort of blend into the dark lighting, plus I’m straight edge which just adds pressure. I'm not into sports cause they're a little too competitive. I tried Craig's List "strictly platonic" ads but I didn't trust the purity of the posters and, well, a few complaints, lawsuits, and mangled bodies and now I'm banned from that entire site. I was on Facebook for a while but it just felt like everyone there was putting on a front. I was about to give up when this great new invention called Twitter came around. I like it cause I don't write good (as I always say, spell check is the greatest thing since sliced necks) and with just 140 letters (someone told me they were "characters" but I've never heard of that word before), it's hard to mess up too badly. \n\nI won’t lie: it’s pretty darn confusing. I'm not too computer savvy, so I just usually "follow" whoever "follows" me. This was really weird at first. I'm so used to doing the stalking, I didn’t quite realize what all the lingo meant. Stabbed a lot of girls named Brit.ney and learned a valuable lesson about how women never look as good as they do on the Internet. Also how women on the Internet are not usually women in real life. \n\nAnyway, once I realized that Twitter was a great forum to collect identities and send out news, I posted an invite for my Monster Mash Halloween Party. \n\nThis is really hard to say--and not just because I don’t usually use words--but I’m actually super nervous about tomorrow night. I can strangle any old class clown, but when it comes to social events, I’m about as smooth as Leatherface’s chainsaw. \n\nSpeaking of which...he’s totally coming. I know this not because he RSVP’d, but because every ten minutes since the e-vite left my outbox, he’s been calling me with a million questions. What’s the dress code? What’s the face code? Will there be chili? It’s like the dude’s never been to a party before. I mean, sure I’ve never been invited to a high school dance or parents-away kegger, but like any slasher, I’ve crashed enough to take some notes. \n\nSad thing is, he’s not even the worst one. I told Tiffany and Chucky Lee Ray it’s okay to bring their son, but apparently there’s all sorts of family drama there. I need to know if I should cancel the clown. According to his website, Pennywise doesn’t refund deposits the day of and I already have bad credit. \n\nJason won’t come if Freddy comes, Freddy won’t come if Jason comes, Norman’s waiting for permission from his mother, and Kang and Kodos are trying to get me to foot their galactic toll bills. I stupidly promised the Crypt Keeper that he could be in charge of the music, but Leslie’s totally convinced the old corpse is just trying to get control of the microphone to try out some of his comedy material. \n\nI can handle pressure okay, and I wouldn’t really be complaining about all of this if there wasn’t one guest that I’m actually excited to see. Now I know I shouldn’t jinx a good thing, but I really like her. She’s totally my type: skinny, shy, studious, virginal, non gender specific named, and best of all, she totally knows what it’s like to have superpowers that don’t match up with social skills. It’s a match made in heaven, except for the fact that she’s convinced she’s going to hell and well, to be honest, she might be out of my league. I know Jamie Lee was prom queen material, but that wasn’t until after I broke her in. Carrie’s a genuine princess and I’m just a lump in a jumpsuit. Worst of all, Leslie’s been eyeing her for months now and he’s way slicker than I could ever dream of being. Not that I dream. You have to sleep first.\n\nWell, I should stop dilly dallying and start decorating for the big night. Party City had a sale on those Halloween Christmas lights and I bullied some babysitters into carving pumpkins, so I think that on that front, I'll be in good shape. Or a good Shape. Ha! I am ON! \n\nAs for the party, you’ll have to come back next week to find out how it turned out. Any advice would be totally appreciated below. Like, for example, trick-or-treaters who don’t wear costumes. I’m supposed to kill them, right? \n\nHelp me out guys. I reallllllllly don’t want to embarrass myself in front of so many of my peers. They already have me slumming in 3-D next year. How much lower can I go?\n\n


  1. I love Halloween parties. Definitely have a few I can hit up tomorrow night. Happy Halloween!

  2. Thanks Keith! Be sure to dress up or face certain death!