Temperature: The Movie

 

I know I've said this before, but there are no rules that say I can't simply say it again: "inspired by true events" is a dumb way to introduce anything.

EVERYTHING is "inspired by true events". Writers are human beings. Everything they make up comes from some sort of inspiration of something that happened at some point in the world. All it ever means is, "we have a story that will feel more impressive if you think it sort of happened to people who aren't the characters in our actual movie."

Anyway, today's feature, Centigrade (no, the title doesn't make particular sense either) exists because our screenwriter read a story and said, "I guess the bare bones of this could be my movie."

So here we are.

Quick Plot: At eight months pregnant, writer Naomi is traveling Norway in winter with her husband Matt for a book signing. A bad case of freezing rain makes them decide to pull over, only for the couple to fall asleep and awaken to a dying cell phone, dead car, and heavy coat of ice and snow coating their presence.

Naturally, spirits fall quickly. One herring sandwich and a box of chocolates can only go so far, particularly when Naomi's panic attack sends her into early labor. As you'd expect with pretty much any story like this, tensions escalate as the temperature drops. Bickering turns to confrontation which then cools to two very stupid people having a very hard time figuring out how to exit a car.

Movies are fantasy, movies are escape, movies don't have to follow rules of logic...if they're any good. Centigrade is not, which means virtually every decision (or lack thereof) made by writer/director Brendan Walsh and co-writer Daley Nixon's script encourages the audience to scream in frustration. Worse, much like Quicksand, we lose any real sense of claustrophobia because for whatever reason, Walsh won't keep his camera in the damn car.

I say that in anger, but I also would have sold my fictional firstborn to a gold-spinning goblin to end the ETERNITY of Naomi's newborn crying...and crying...and crying...

Even my cat was ready to bust that sunroof open.

WHICH DIDN'T LOOK THAT HARD TO DO.

Deep breath: I hated this movie, and based on IMDB, I'm not alone. The actors do what they can, but this is one of those decent setups with both bland and dumb execution, all made worse by the fact that clearly, the filmmaking team has the ability to make an actual movie. The characters are idiots with nothing redeeming save for an eventual cute baby. The eventual cute baby CRIES LOUDLY ONSCREEN FOR FIVE MINUTES. But hey, there is a high point!

High Points
I love a good cello, and the instrumental score of Centigrade has a lot of it. So that's something!

Low Points
Let's be clear: Centigrade is not a true story (remember, INSPIRED BY). So why does the ending include title card summaries of where our characters are now? Sure, characters in a movie aren't real, but there's something that feels even less real about making us think they are

Lessons Learned
In a pinch, wadded towels make suitable wee-wee pads

Don't knock eating placenta until, well, you're starving and have nothing to eat but placenta

You would think this goes without saying, but apparently, some people don't know that it is generally not recommended to fly across the world when 8 months pregnant for a Norwegian book tour that takes place at the height of winter

Rent/Bury/Buy
I watched Centigrade on Hulu because it was leaving that service. I don't know where it landed, and I'm not going to take the time to look. Instead, I'll simply pull over, take a nap, eat some herring, let my cell phone battery drain, and just wait things out until I'm starving to death and need a plan. Yes, that about sums things up here.

We've Got a Long Way to Go

I'll never pass over a nuclear apocalypse story, even if it carries a whopping 2.8 out of 10 rating on IMDB...or maybe ESPECIALLY if it carries a 2.8 out of 10. This is me we're talking about.

Quick Plot: Nuclear bombs have dropped throughout the world, with an immediate death count over 3 billion. Retired military captain John Ramsay has figured out how to survive the incoming radiation with a safe home and enough supplies for three people: himself, daughter Joanna, and son-in-law-that-wasn't-to-be Larry. Instead, he begrudgingly opens his doors to five strangers: solid Steve and his radiation-covered brother Granger, jerky Las Vegas stud Mickey  and his danger galpal Jada, and older alcoholic Tim.

John is the kind of guy who spent ten years preparing his house for this exact kind of disaster AND making a scaled diorama of it to show off to eventual guests. He and Joanna quickly take a shine to the stable and smart Steve, but Granger turns everyone off. He not only survives but thrives with his radiation sickness, though side effects include a taste for raw meat.

Other rumblings begin: Mickey gets hot for Joanna, which riles Jada, who relaxes with Tim's moonshine, which offends the straight-laced John, and so on. It's not The Divide levels of conflict, but it stirs enough to put the whole group in danger.

At barely 80 minutes, In the Year 2889 is rather abrupt, both in its ending and general flow. Oddly enough, it's far more defined on some of its characterization. John makes for the kind of believably conservative military veteran who would immediately assign the young man he's never met the second in command role over his own intelligent daughter because, you know, the patriarchy. Joanna has a conscience, Mickey is a slimy villain whose motivations are clear and gross, and Jada lends some spark while being terribly judged by those around her.

That's not really to say this is good stuff. In the Year 2889 was a made-for-television movie and unofficial (though near verbatim) remake of Roger Corman's Day the World Ended. Directed by Larry Buchanan, it's incredibly stiff and visually lazy. Our end-of-the-world landscape is simply the green woods outside John's secluded house, while the mutated villains (take that with a wildly thick grain of salt considering the attitudes of our heroes) wear makeup that amounts to a few stray pieces of gunk glued to their faces. There's just not much here.

High Points
This is one of those films that feels so lacking in ambition that it's hard to summon much enthusiasm for any real aspect of it, so I guess I'll pause to think about how much more fun this all would have been if lumpy drunk Tim and sassy dancing Jada were the last two people on the planet

Low Points

I don't need every nuclear disaster story to end like Threads, but by golly, the sunny nice day sudden resolution defies not only how radiation works, but how any kind of storytelling stakes should go

Lessons Learned
Cowards only fight on their own terms and conditions

The first taste of moonshine is never good, but keep going and the chest hair will grow

Radiation poisoning will hinder your balance, though more at fault is likely the rubber mask that comes with radiation poisoning

Rent/Bury/Buy

I don't think anyone will really get much out of In the Year 2889. The story has been told in far more interesting ways and with much more vibrant style in countless iterations. Still, if you're a completist like me, it's a quick watch on Amazon Prime. 

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Theater Kid Spurned

 

Saw ripoffs have a very, very special place in my heart. They're mostly terrible but sometimes, if you're lucky, they're terrible in such bizarre ways that you can't help but be entertained.

Quick Plot: Eight adults awaken in ugly jumpsuits and an uglier dungeon furnished with a toolbox of weapons and a camera to watch their moves. Yes, it's the same setup as at least ten low budget horror movies a year post-Saw, but this one has one of the more hilarious twists I've ever seen (and folks, I've seen a LOT of these kinds of movies).

See normally, "eight adults" is actually "eight strangers" but in this case, they're coworkers. From the janitor to the superintendent, it's a full roster of high school employees who were all complicit in the suicide of a former teacher. Their crime?

Hold onto your diploma for my favorite SPOILER ALERT of all time: they defunded the theater department.

No, seriously.

See, the late teacher in question lost her reason to live after she lost the chance to direct an adaptation of And Then There Were None (which according to this film's exposition, was a "short story turned into a play written by Agatha Christie"). This led her bitter mother to hire assassin The Warden played by a fully masked Costas Mandylor (as if this production couldn't afford his cheekbones) to kidnap a batch of the people she held responsible to broadcast their torture across The Internet.

Yes, there's an INTERNET component to this movie, which brings in my other favorite element of Death Count: THE COPS.

Michael Madsen "stars" as the veteran detective who misses the old days (you know, before kids did things like TEXTING). After having far too great a time making jokes about the possible mutilation and death of 8 (fairly) innocent people, he and his partner are able to locate the game, thanks in no small part to that AWFUL thing called "the internet".

In their defense, there's little to WANT to save about these people. Aside from our lead Rachel (probably the only passable performance by Sarah French), these characters are not just stupid, but inconsistently stupid. The Warden issues clear instructions with clear, proven consequences (Battle Royale head explosion devices, mustard gas poisoning, and so on). Every round, one player vehemently refuses to participate and dies horribly while the others scream at them to just follow the rules. The next round, one of the former screamers...vehemently refuses to participate and dies horribly.

At just 82 minutes (the last two of which switch gears to an even more hilarious commentary by strangers who watched the events of the movie on the INTERNET) Death Count wastes little time. It probably couldn't, as it seems fairly clear that actors filmed most of their scenes over the course of a day or two (more likely, a day...probably, a morning). 

This is my kind of mess.

High Points
Nothing here looks pretty, but credit must be given to the effects team who do some genuinely gnarly work when it comes to the horrific death devices

Low Points

The "lots of stressed kidnappees screaming wildly" element is standard for these kinds of movies, but that doesn't mean it's ever enjoyable

Kooky Credits
I always enjoy the "special thanks" section of a movie like this and by golly, Death Count did not disappoint because this film has FOUR categorizations of gratitude in an order that makes me even more confused. In descending order, we get:
1) WISH TO THANK
2) VERY SPECIAL THANKS
3) SPECIAL THANKS
4) THANKS

Shockingly, "the filmmakers of Saw" are never mentioned, which is strange because the movie itself name-checks that franchise at least four times.

Lessons Learned
Qualifications for being the superintendent do not include knowing how fire works

A good detective never wastes a half-eaten banana

Friendship should be earned, not retweeted

Rent/Bury/Buy
If I wasn't clear, let me be so here: this is a terrible movie. You will hate everyone on camera, chuckle at their ineptitude, then roar at the extreme way they're punished. Sadly we don't have any Saw sharks, but Michael Madsen gets to cash his check and writers Rolfe Kanefsky and Michael Merino teach an intense lesson about what happens when you defund the arts. Required viewing for school boards everywhere.

Keep the Deadly Games, You Filthy Animal

Over the last decade or so, there have been more than enough articles and video essays on how Home Alone can be interpreted as an extreme horror movie. Whether you see it as a John Jigsaw Kramer origin story or nightmare about adults abandoning children, it has some pretty notable darkness lurking just under the crowd-pleasing exterior. There's a reason it inspired the excellent and twisted pure horror flick Better Watch Out some twenty years after its blockbuster debut.

And yet, just one year before Macaulay Culkin became a household name and millions of kids broke limbs trying to sled down their own stairway, there was an even darker Christmas story about an intrepid little boy enlisting his own gaming skills to protect his mini-mansion from an invader. Long known in the genre film community, Rene Manzor's Deadly Games was one of those hard-to-find legends that now finally has a streaming home on Shudder. In honor of the season, let's roll the getting ready montage and have at it.

Quick Plot: Thomas Fremont lives a charmed life with his wealthy business owner mother, ailing grandfather, and loyal dog (don't get attached). A computer genius who still believes in Santa Claus, Thomas fires up his Minitel to summon the big guy, only to actually engage in dialogue with a psychotic vagrant. Later that day, that same nameless man gets a quick job as a mall Santa, only to be fired for lashing out at a child in front of Tommy's mom.

Bad Santa doesn't take this lightly. When he overhears the Fremonts' address, he makes his way there with blood on his mind. Once Thomas figures out that the white bearded man outside isn't there to give him gifts, he springs into full booby trap-setting action.

That's all you really need to know about Deadly Games, aka Dial Code Santa Claus. Manzor nails a very tricky level of horror that puts our child hero in full harm's way but also gives him plenty to fist pump about. Thomas may be a bit of a spoiled prodigy, but he's also, at the end of the day (in this case, Christmas Eve), just a child. Manzor makes the danger real but never quite mean, which keeps the tone in balance and the energy just right.

I don't know that I'll put Deadly Games on the same seasonal rotation as my beloved Christmas Evil or any Silent Night, Deadly Night (though this is a far superior film to anything in that franchise) but I can fully understand this being a holiday tradition for a lot of genre fans. It's a weird little combination of sweet and naughty, as Christmas should be.

High Points
As Thomas, Alain Lalanne is so perfect at channeling the full gamut of emotions in a kid his age. Bratty, cute, playful, smart, and most importantly, just a little boy who needs his mother

Low Points
It's needed to spur Thomas into action, but by golly, I could have done without the beaten to death dog

Lessons Learned
Once you start doubting Santa Claus, the history of man is next

Nothing moves a plot faster than a need for insulin

Life-sized knight statues are the original panic rooms

Rent/Bury/Buy

I had a good seasonable time with Deadly Games, and will likely add it to the loose list of Christmas-set films that I cycle through every few years. Any genre fan (or Home Alone enthusiast) has no reason not to give it a go. Papa Noel orders it. 

But I Just Got Here

I'm not sure when this changed, but at some point over the last 20 years, big studios stopped making grown-up but mainstream horror. I'm talking your What Lies Beneaths and Sixth Senses, the movies that spark obnoxious arguments about the 100 years war between the definitions of horror and thriller. Sometimes good, often bland, these are the kind of mid-budget movies with movie stars' faces blown up on their poster. Typically, it's the only opportunity to do wild things like pair up Robert Dinero with Dakota Fanning's imaginary friend, or chase Kim Basinger as she watches Christina Ricci's head fall off in the NYC subway.

Stir of Echoes (a good movie that infamously flopped due to its release proximity to the much more audience-friendly aforementioned Sixth Sense) was this kind of film, so it makes perfect sense that its director David Koepp would return with similar fare.

Quick Plot: Theo Conroy is a retired financial whiz married to the significantly younger actress Susannah and feeling every day of their age gap, though they make it work for 6-year-old daughter Ella. Between self-help tapes and humbling set visits, Theo also works through some demons from his past: his first wife's death was enough of a mystery that it put him on trial for murder, and that plus some extra years can complicate a sex life or two.

Their past behind them, the Conroys head to Wales for a quiet getaway before Susannah leaves for her next film shoot. Both parents experience disturbing nightmares (well, horrific dead children for Theo, forgetting her lines onstage for Susannah) and do the smart Insidious-learned lesson of getting the hell out.

Well, they try. An ill-timed text message sends Susannah on her way and Theo and Ella left to brave one last night in the strange rental. Once they discover the interior is somehow bigger than the exterior, doors start closing and the terror unfolds.

Based on a novel by Daniel Kehlmann, David Koepp's You Should Have Left feels very tonally connected to his last horror outing with Kevin Bacon, Stir of Echoes. It has the feel of, how do I say it, a  'real' movie (if you're a horror fan, I THINK you know what I mean?) but at its heart, it's a good old fashioned ghost story that belongs on the same shelf as, say, The Changeling.

No, I'm not saying You Should Have Left is on that level, but it has its moments. Like Stir of Echoes, it finds a new angle into familiar genre territory and understands the importance of grounding it in believable, likable people. I was never quite as scared as I wanted to be, but I was also never bored. This is a solid, if unremarkable little ghost story that plays with just enough surprises to make you wish for just a few more.

High Points
Kevin Bacon and Amanda Seyfried are movie stars for good reason. They're, you know, VERY GOOD at being compelling. We as the audience enter into this setup with our defences up: mainstream cast, wild Hollywood age gap, PG-13 rating. It's not a natural sell, but by golly, they (and strong child actor Avery Tiiu Essex) make it work

Low Points
While I love the fundamental nature of You Should Have Left's menace, a fifth act reveal by Theo feels a bit of a letdown and perhaps most where the more mainstream-yness comes in

Lessons Learned
Wales does not have sufficient olive bars

Old men should always remember sunblock

To better prepare a west coast child for cold weather, make sure she spends some time in Chicago

Rent/Bury/Buy
Based on its online reputation, I was pleasantly surprised with You Should Have Left. Granted, I'm a mark for any story that calls to mind Mark Z. Danielewski's House of Leaves and have nursed a lifelong crush on Kevin Bacon ever since he pole vaulted over some Tremors, but I still think this film will please more genre fans than not. Find it on Peacock. 

Fool Me Once...

 

As you might remember, a few weeks back, I discovered an oddball Canadian sci-fi horror comedy (maybe) about aliens masquerading as sorority sisters with a plan to seduce college boys for breeding purposes. It was weird. Naturally, the fact that it had a sequel that was ONLY available by Netflix disk in the last gasps of Netflix disk air meant I had to have it.

Here we go.

Quick Plot: A few years after the wild events of Decoys, Luke has survived his alien romp to become an extremely anxious TA at a new university. He's assisting evolutionary professor Buckton, played with gravelly perfection by 2023's it boy Tobin Bell. Luke is also wisely in therapy with psychiatrist Dr. Geisner, played by Dina Meyer and thus giving the world the Saw II/III reunion it's been craving.

Elsewhere, undergraduate frat boys are being terrible, as is the norm. One group decides to do the very 2007-ish activity of a sex contest to see who can bed the most women, and yes, video evidence is required to count. Nevermind that it's a sex crime (or will be in the near future). Most will thankfully die horrible alien tentacle death.

All sport offensively terrible haircuts.

Look, I know 2007 was 16 years ago, but did men REALLY do this to their heads? 

Anyway, the first film's sole surviving decoy Constance (Kim Poirier) is back, now in the role of a doctor with enough sway to convince those who matter that Luke has a few screws loose in his pretty less awful haircut head. It works because Luke acts like a lunatic. Meanwhile, Constance sets her protegees on the male populace, armed now with a handy ability to scan their brains in order to nail the exact sexual fantasy that will keep them ripe for impregnation activities.

Thankfully, young Sam and Stephanie smarten up to the alien invasion and are able to rally the troops with some quick molotov cocktails and flamethrower sprays. We get a bit more action than in the first Decoys, which keeps things moving for a satisfying finale.

Decoys 2 is directed by Jeffery Scott Lando, who I last experienced via the extremely strange Goblin. This is definitely a better film, though much like the first Decoys, it still left me confused as to exactly what I was supposed to be getting out of it. It's too silly to be sexy or scary, but there still aren't enough winks that confirm the filmmakers fully embrace the joke. So credit for feeling like a true sequel, and a mild shrug for being entertaining enough.

High Points

Like the first film, I do believe Decoys 2 understands that there is inherent comedy in the overactive libidos of young men, and here and there, there are sparks of smart jabs

 

Low Points

There are plenty of things that don't fully work in Decoys 2: Alien Seduction, but I'll be petty and harp on the most glaring: what is WITH the wigwork on these women? Are the actresses actually extraterrestrials with weirdly shaped heads that can't manage a simple dye job? 

Lessons Learned

Ska was big in the mid-Canadian aughts

Flip phones had a much better cold tolerance than today's Apple products

Grad students aren't supposed to be good-looking

Rent/Bury/Buy

Do I regret using one of my last Netflix disk slots for Decoys 2: Alien Seduction? Of course not. Do I recommend you put any effort into finding this movie? Probably not. If you adored the first film (which is more accessible on Peacock) then sure, this is for you. For all others, there's a whole wide world of movies out there. Don't kill yourself finding this one.