Swing and a Miss

Ever wake up one day and realize, much to the horror of your very existence, that you’ve never seen the mid-90s thriller wherein Robert De Niro plays a crazed baseball fan obsessed with Wesley Snipes?

It’s a rare, but lethal epidemic of sorts known as The Fandryome. A fast cure is Netflix Instant Watch though tragedy and the FDA’s bureaucratic fascism has since prolonged the waiting period. Write to your senator folks. 

Quick Plot: Meet Gil, a giant Giants fan, struggling knife salesman, and possible inspiration for The Simpsons long-running sad sack. 

Of course, Gil is also played by Robert De Niro or at the very least, the flickering light of Travis Bickle/Max Cady that powered him through the late ‘90s. In addition to creeping towards unemployment, Gil is stumbling through fatherhood via limited custody, an ex-wife who hates his innards, and a son (played in a much less annoying way by the kid who would go on to play The Annoying Anointed One on Buffy’s first season) slowly realizing he SHOULD hate him.

What’s keeping Gil inside the bounds of insanity? Well barely, it’s Bobby Rayburn, San Francisco’s newest center fielder courtesy of a massive $40 million contract. Gil believes in Bobby, and since he’s played by none other than Willie Mays “Wesley Snipes” Hays himself, why should he not? Unfortunately, there’s the little matter of teammate Juan Primo, a blond (!!!) Benecio Del Toro who has already given up his position but refuses to surrender his lucky number 11 to the new superstar.

Bobby hits a slump while Gil’s life continues its downward spiral, helped none at all by his bright decision to abandon his son on opening day and almost beat his ex-wife’s boyfriend with a baseball bat at the kid’s little league tryouts. Oh yeah, and in an incredibly easy series of events, Gil solves Bobby’s Primo problem with a sexy sauna murder.

So much like 51% of Robert De Niro’s filmography, The Fan descends into one unexceptional man’s increasing insanity. It spoils little to say that Gil eventually confronts Bobby while throwing him his own pitches, only to then kidnap his son and demand--like a kid dying from cancer--a homerun hit in his honor. The climax references Naked Gun in ways that makes me giggle as much as, well, watching the climax of Naked Gun. 

But in a very different way. 

See, The Fan isn’t what most people would call a ‘good’ movie. Directed by Tony Scott with a softer sledgehammer than what he’d later come to use in his films, The Fan still bares the mark of a slick, expensive, and self-important thriller that doesn’t let itself have any real fun with its material. Gil, you see, is not a good man. He pushes his wife and almost steps on his very own son in a bid to grab a foul ball. As a salesman, he’s worse than Pam Beasly-Halpert and even his baseball fandom seems more about obsession than actual baseball knowledge. On the flip side is Bobby, played with believability by Snipes at his best. He’s surprisingly sympathetic, a diva more via his slimy Scott Boras-like agent (John Lequizamo) than actual attitude. It’s a testament to Snipes that a hotshot could come off likable.

But likable enough that we want to see him out-bat rival/teammate Benecio Del Toro? Not so much. The Fan stumbles in a lot of places, from losing track of Gil’s humanity to merely flirting with Bobby’s feelings on the game and his fans. Don’t look here for deep insight into major league baseball, but hey...there’s a baseball bat-caused death so at least there’s that.

High Points

His screentime is sadly not nearly long enough, but in an early role, Benecio Del Toro simply oozes charisma and makes every one of his scenes far more interesting than anything else happening onscreen

Low Points

Was this the start of De Niro’s autopilot journey into acting? It’s not that he’s bad in The Fan; he’s just kind of dull, never seeming to really inject Gil with a real human being. He’s not overly aided by the script, which fails to ever provide an actual backstory to his obsessions. Hey, I’m a former softball little leaguer and current fan of a losing team that pays its players too much money, but you don’t see me kidnapping Oliver Perez’s kids in return for him to pitch a perfect game (because gaaaaaaahahahahahahahahaha is the likelihood of that happening and more importantly, the Mets finally let the millionaire go; had they not, I’d probably give The Fan a rave review)

Lessons Learned

Maybe the reason baseball games take so long is because players occasionally spend a full 25 minutes at bat

Pitchers use their brains. Sluggers are stupid

A piece of tattooed flesh will last several weeks when safely stored in a Ziploc bag

Being stabbed in the thigh is one surefire way to immediate death

Fun Face Spottings

Part of why I love ‘90s cinema is because it often gives me a chance to catch a few surprise actors passing by in bit parts. In the case of The Fan, we get a brief Jack Black cameo and a jolly good turn by Lost’s Mr. Friendly

Stray Observations

The fact that Wesley Snipes’ character is named Bobby is probably more a reference to Barry Bonds than anything else, but anybody else find themselves giggling over the fact that De Niro spends about 3/4 of the film shouting/chanting his own name?

Rent/Bury/Buy

As a devotee of all things baseball and horror, it’s kind of embarrassing to only have seen The Fan now. This is a film that belongs on no must-see list, but the fact that it involves Robert De Niro shaving his legs with a hunter’s knife is somewhat awesome. For an almost ridiculous baseball horror movie, I guess The Fan is currently the best we can do.

A Silent Scream & How It's Part Wendy's Pita

It's a slasher. It's from the '80s. It's called The Silent Scream.

That's my intro and I'm moving on.

Quick Plot: College student Scotty (Soap's Rebecca Balding, sporting a horrendously '70s mushroom do that makes Hayden Panettiere's Screfourem's hair look positively flattering) rents a room from awkward classmate Mason and his mysteriously grumpy mother. Also on hand is Scotty's suitor Jack, pal Doris, and rich roommate--so much so that he ties a sweater around his shoulders!--Peter. Before long, a few bodies are turning up bloody while the police (Avery Schreiber and sign of the movie apocalypse Cameron Mitchell) discuss the details over a blaring musical score.

The Silent Scream is a 1980 slasher, plain and simple. Like its genre companions, the film features a slightly tomboyish final girl with a gender ambiguous name, a secret identity of its somewhat (not really) myserious killer, and a few genuinely effective jumps. Unfortunately, none of that really adds up to anything remotely special.

Sure, it's nice seeing horror legend Barbara Steele (easily the best thing in the film) being creepy in a supporting role, but her character--much like the whole oddball family she belongs to--is never really introduced in any form that lets us know who they are or care why they're dysfunctional.

And as I say these things, I realize how poorly flowing this review is turning out. Perhaps it's the fact that The Silent Scream had a troubled production history, having been filmed and in an early Exorcist prequel move, re-filmed with nearly 80% new footage a few years after completion. Though the movie doesn't feel Night Train to Terror-levels incompetent, it does lack any solid through-line that lets us invest in the fates of our characters. Lead actress Balding is likable enough, but there's not one touch of individuality in Scotty to make us care about anything she undergoes. The final killer reveal isn't unoriginal, but for whatever reason, it's presented in an epic fashion that just doesn't fit the fact that we don't know these people well enough to even consider the significance of their deep and disturbing family secrets. It's strangely disjointed.

On the other hand, The Silent Scream does have its moments. The kills are executed well, and the playful use of a corpse is always appreciated (I mean that in the most well-adjusted way possible). The 1980s slasher subgenre produced far worse products. It's sort of a Wendy's pita (RIP) in a mixed buffet of McDonald's icky Filet O' Fishes and Arby's delicious roast beef sandwiches.

High Points

A flashback to an attempted hanging suicide is surprisingly disturbing

Low Points

Who are these people again? Why do I care?

Lessons Learned

The best way to seduce a sexy coed is to slowwwwwwwwwwwly take your shirt off and let her stare at your chest for approximately 45 seconds

When applying for housing, avoid dressing like a hippie slut

Rich friends are pretty awesome. Unless they’re dead

Rent/Bury/Buy

Eh. Hardcore slasher completists will certainly enjoy The Silent Scream as an early slice of nostalgia with some serious genre credentials (at least for Barbara Steele; Cameron Mitchell is actually in 61% of all horror films produced between 1970 and 1985 and 99% of the ones that are terrible). As an Instant Watch stream, it's not a bad way to spend 90 minutes, but in no way am I eager to revisit its mediocrity. Better than The Falling (most things are) but not on par with some of the true underrated '80s gems. Think of it as a cubic zirconia. Or a chicken caesar pita.

Why did Wendy's stop making these things again?

Subway Swap!

If there’s one day I don’t look forward to every month, it’s paying an ungodly $104 for my monthly Metrocard. Thankfully, one day I DO look forward to is trading movie recommendations with T.L. Bugg over at The Lightning Bug’s Lair and gloriously enough, May counteracts my MTA gripes with a suitably themed subway swap!

Over at The Lair, expect to find what I except to be the Zach’s glowing review of one of my recent favorites, 2009’s Canadian underground evil cult horror, End of the Line. For my part, Zach sent me the conveniently Watch Instantly 1985 French hit, Luc Besson’s Subway.

Theme!

Quick Plot: Um...let me try:

Christopher Lambert is Fred, a tuxedoed drifter of sorts who has stolen some super secret documents from a gangster’s bedazzled wife Helena (the gorgeous Isabelle Adjani) and is now hiding out underground where he meets a bevy of oddballs that includes a rollerskating purse snatcher, greasy flower man, talented body builder named Big Billy and a medium-length haired Jean Reno.

Now you might be thinking to yourself, ‘that’s not so hard a summary.’ In many ways, Subway is a simple film about a boy who loves a girl and the wacky world in which he tries to woo her. 

Except it’s not at all, because you don’t really know anything about Helena and Fred’s relationship until an hour into the film. Prior to that, you’re left wondering how they actually know each other, what mysterious documents he know holds as blackmail (if memory serves, I don’t think we ever actually find out) and just how giant this underground community of non-CHUD metro dwellers can possibly be. Mixed in is a sarcastic police investigator who much like Reno’s tragic turn in 1998’s Godzilla, just can’t get a good cup of coffee.

Subway is, based on extensive Wikipedia browsing, part of the European ‘80s Cinema du look movement. No, this has nothing to do with Lars Von Trier’s Dogme 95 let’s-hurt-you,-you-softie-moviegoers pledge. Cinema du look seems to pretty much be a plan to blast style as high above substance as possible, focusing on slick visuals and pop culture as related by a bunch of alienated young people that have no sense of depth or politics. I think.

Depending on your cinematic taste, you might be thinking such a film style is either as brilliant a combo as peanut butter and banana or as loathsome as putting butter on your pancakes (I don’t understand why anyone would do this). I suppose I appreciate both--even if I still will throw my hot coffee at any waitress who brings me a butter soaked dish of pancakes. On one hand, why shouldn’t a talented filmmaker give in to the joys of camerawork and present his/her audience with something that takes advantage of visual possibilities and is, I assume, easily pleasing to a modern film-going public? On the other hand, allow me to introduce my old often introduced friend Paul Verhoeven, a director who can magically produce films far more fun AND logical than Subway but that still contain a surprisingly dense, always reverent amount of smart satire.

See, I guess what I might be saying is that Subway is fun and fresh film. But I think it would have been far better were it directed by Paul Verhoeven.

I liked Subway. I did. It was fun in a where-the-brie-is-this-going kind of way. But also a tad empty, one content with presenting types rather than characters and stuff rather than story. For 90 minutes, that’s more than fine. It’s just not fantastic.

High Points

About 3/4 into the film, Subway almost pauses for an absolutely odd and beautiful little singalong. Yes it stops what is mostly a bouncy and light action film, but it’s rather wonderful

Isabelle Adjani is a superb actress, but let’s all admit that in her first scene, it’s really the 9 lb. earrings that do the heavy emoting. Because I doubt they got any work after this film, a moment of salute:

Low Points

If Wikipedia is to be believed (and they always are, right?), the only readily available version of Subway features a dreadfully dubbed audio track wherein for whatever reason, Christopher Lambert provides his own Frenchish vocals and everybody else sounds like Peter Falk

Lessons Learned

High mohawks can lead to high levels of sassiness

Nothing says ‘impromptu subway concert’ quite so well as boy scout uniforms

If planning on speeding through Paris in a car chase to escape murderous/carsick goons, always be sure to pack the right high energy mixed tape

Rent/Bury/Buy

I definitely recommend Subway, as it’s unique, enjoyable, and a piece of cinema footnotes in recent theory history. As a Netflix stream, it’s a more than ideal way to pass some time with surprise. No, I didn’t want to marry it and have its chic mohawked children, but it’s an easy rental for a light-hearted and bizarre time.

For some darker days underground, head on over to The Lightning Bug’s Lair for Zach’s take on End of the Line.

Hangin' Tough

Ah, the Internet. A place that lets you do virtually anything, be it pay your credit card bills, partake in ant porn, apply for jobs, learn how to open champagne bottles without losing an eye, or meet fellow depressed people and form a complex yet ill-defined suicide pact that has something to do with Tarot cards.

Welcome to The Hanged Man.

Quick Plot: A mixed bag of sad people who have met online gather at a rural barn, the plan being group suicide once their webmaster, the nerdily named Dwarfstar arrives. The group--who refer to each other only by their screennames--includes the following:

-SoCo, a moody young man always getting kicked out chatrooms

-Flash, a tried and true cowboy who shows he is such by wearing a hat

-LT56, a middle aged maybe stockbroker with a tragic past

-X-Factor, a British talent competition about--oh, I mean, a serious woman who’s not very interesting

-Spaceshot, an appropriately named spacey blond

-and lastly, Miles, a man in need of both a better Internet handle and shirt

Nobody really likes each other and we have no reason to like any of them, but hey, we’ve got another 90 minutes to go so let’s talk. Without their ringleader, the gang is completely lost as to how to proceed, even throwing fits when someone dares to try to kill them (even though, as one character points out, they came to this place to die anyway). Through a few convenient conversations, we learn a little more about what brought these people to this point: LT56 (or Jerry, or best yet, Bruno from the Toni year of Beverly Hills, 90210) lost his family in 9/11. X-Factor had a suicidal mom (and maybe another secret). Spaceshot was abused by her father, Miles is dying, Flash is repressing some shame and SoCo is just kind of a jerk. Eventually, an unlucky/ominous sheriff enters the picture and tension slowly simmers. Kind of.

The Hanged Man isn’t necessarily a good film, but it does go for something somewhat different than your typical straight to DVD horror. I recently started watching Felicia Day’s adorable web series, The Guild, a comedy about awkward computer gamers whose lives get a tad more awkward when they finally meet. The Hanged Man could almost be the horror version of it, except without most of the entertainment (or X!) factor.

See, it’s been about 5 days since I watched The Hanged Man and quite frankly, I can barely remember anything about it. There was a twist ending that was--I think--somewhat surprising. Maybe. A lot of screen cheats. Angry people I didn't care about in the least and stuff happened to them. 

At a certain point, there were credits. I guess this was that kind of movie.

High Points

I don't want to delve too far into spoilers, but there's a homosexual storyline I didn't see coming that was handled rather decently for a film that was otherwise pretty mediocre

Low Points

As I said, there's just nothing overly sympathetic about any of our characters, making slogging through the film a rather emotionless experience

Lessons Learned

Throwing a gun at a person is perfectly safe

Bigots eat hater tots (which I assume taste better with ketchup)

People who feel like outcasts and spend the majority of their lives whining about the world on the Internet are generally much more in shape and attractive than the majority of happy well-adjusted members of society

As the far superior 7 Mummies taught us already, stock footage of spiders cannot ever be used enough onscreen

Rent/Bury/Buy

It might sound odd if I say I'm intrigued by suicide pacts, but I am odd and I said it, and that premise was indeed the reason I rented The Hanged Man. On that front, it's a definite disappointment. I never really bought these people as hovering over the edge, and their interactions with one another lacked just about any form of chemistry. Still, it's competently shot and acted and does try some different things with its story. I would ambivalently--very ambivalently, oxymoron be damned--recommend a stream if it comes on Instant or cable, but nothing more.

Hey Na, Hey Na, They Came Back

Not to bum you out or anything, but you are going to die. One day, whenever, it will happen because unless you’re Tuck Everlasting or Vanna White, the only certainty you can bank on in this wild and wonderful world is the simple fact that death is universal.

It’s somewhat natural to know our own mortality, but accepting this when it happens to someone you love is a different story entirely. It’s not fair that our friends and family and heck, pets can just not be there one day, and the act of eventually coming to accept this is easily one of the most difficult and trying experiences most of us will ever have. 

They Came Back is a French arthouse horror film of sorts from 2008 and one that, among other things, asks what happens when mourning is annulled. It can tentatively be classified in the zombie genre simply because its basic premise hinges on the dead returning to life, but much like the similarly not-zombie-zombie film Deadgirl, it’s far more focused on exploring certain aspects of man and his world than giving us gore.

Quick Plot: On a sunny summer day in the suburbs of Paris, 70 million men and women who passed away in the last ten years or so wander back into town. They’re not hungry for brains or decomposing en route; they’re just there, all a little bit off and quiet, a look of distance in their eyes. They certainly seem disconnected with those around them but also, healthy and...you know...alive.

They Came Back is an ensemble story, though it does extract a few main characters from its city council. There’s the elderly mayor widower who now has to balance reorganizing pensions with reconnecting with his previously deceased wife. A couple welcomes back their young son, a boy whose sudden lack of social skills spell a whole different future for his family. The father’s possible former lover, Rachel (it’s hinted at rather subtly), is initially hesitant to even see her late partner, though slowly, she finds herself falling back in love with him or whatever it is that he has become. Along the way, we watch the city officials organize public shelters and hold conferences on what exactly millions of returned healthy corpses means for the budget.

It’s not easy to discuss They Came Back, in part because it defies any easy categorization. Dubbing it horror is dangerous, since it can easily affect your anticipation as you wonder where this eerie atmosphere and setup will lead. I was unsettled throughout the film, much in that same pseudo-horror manner left by the unique and powerful Lake Mungo. Where that film brilliantly focused so closely on a single family’s grieving process, They Came Back lightly tiptoes on a range of issues that surround the broader issue of death. It doesn’t force bureaucracy on us, but there are some effective town hall meetings and multi-sided discussions wherein we see the cold and detached treatment of a new race of people in an already crowded world. There are no easy answers, but They Came Back poses plenty of fascinating questions.

High Points

Setting the film during summer is an unusual and effective choice, as it somehow lends a sense of physical freedom to the world

Low Points

Mild spoiler: There are no answers or explanations in They Came Back, something that feels so very, very French. Maybe that’s for the best and when I finally revisit this film down the line, I’ll probably have a better feeling on where I stand in that regard. In the immediate aftermath of viewing, it’s ultimately frustrating

Random Comparison

There’s a lot about They Came Back that made me think of Jose Saramago’s brilliant novel (and not so brilliant film) Blindness. Both capture a seemingly isolated society plagued with a bizarre spell of sorts (in Blindness, the entire population loses their eyesight) and have a certain cold humanism about their approaches to following a large society dealing with a disaster. I guess what I’m saying is that if you like Blindness, check out They Came Back, and no matter who you are, read Blindness.

Rent/Bury/Buy

I definitely endorse a rental of They Came Back, although I make no promises that you will not find it snail-paced or teasing. Or maybe it will touch you in a haunting manner you find fresh and new. Jah no say pa. Either way, it’s an unusual film that certainly warrants a chance from the curious-minded cinemaniac looking for something genuinely different.