The Straw Ban Has Been Lifted

 

I've mused a lot on the different vibes of horror on streaming sites. I can't quite explain why, but I can generally count on finding something sharp but soulless on Hulu, flawed but interesting on Shudder, zany and positively cheap on Tubi, and often, mean on Amazon.

Anyway, let's get going.

Quick Plot: After her car breaks down, waitress/manager Nancy discovers she's pregnant en route to her shift at her father's 24-hour diner. The day gets even more stressful when a batch of bratty masked youths on mopeds show up for some fries. She manages to scare them off without the support of the rest of her staff. Trying to assert some new managerial authority, Nancy fires salty line chef Jake, alienates puppy-eyed bus boy Bobby, and takes on the night shift alone.

Nancy uses her free time to do what any normal human being would: blast the music and lip sync to her favorite tunes. 

Her fun is interrupted by the return of those masked bikers who, according to the grumpy and inept policeman who shows up at her call, have committed the most horrific murder this town has ever seen. 

There's more to the story, and the target on Nancy's back (or Fat Bottom, as the restaurant name insists) is particularly personal. Can she make it through the night? Some clever use of deep frying oil and raw meat will certainly help. 

Last Straw is a tricky movie. It's competently made and nicely shot, with a solid score by Alan Palomo and very good performances all around. Jessica Belkin has an almost Jessica Rothe-esque charisma in pulling us in while playing a rather unlikable woman. Our antagonists' motives come from a real place of understandable pain. The action is both real and suspenseful.

But by golly, that doesn't make it fun to watch.

Everyone is miserable. Bad things happen to the vaguely not terrible people. The world is dark and these people die in it.

Director Alan Scott Neal clearly has talent. I just hope his next film also has a little more light. 

High Points

Nancy is a young woman who mostly makes terrible decisions, but Jessica Belkin is incredibly watchable in the role. I'm excited to see more from her

Low Points

This movie isn't necessarily Red White and Blue puppy crushing, but it's just so darn dour

Lessons Learned

The best gateway drug is trauma

Telling your customers to bring their fat bottoms back, even if your restaurant name is Fat Bottom Bistro, is still probably not the best plan for repeat business

The smaller the town, the dumber the small town cop

Rent/Bury/Buy

Last Straw is well-made, but awfully unpleasant. If you're in the mood for that kind of gritty ride, find it on Amazon Prime. 

Lock Them Up

 

Sometimes you're simply too worn out by the world to stop and think about what to watch. Instead you queue up the first streaming app on your list, pop to the horror section, spot a few promising keywords ("abandoned prison," "Frank Whaley," and most importantly, "1 hour 25 minutes") and simply hit play.

Sometimes you are a fool.

Quick Plot: A bunch of awful white 20somethings are having a house party with the normal white 20something things: beer pong, secretly videotaping a couple having sex, and reminiscing about just how awful wannabe filmmaker Hank was in high school. 

I hate everyone and wish them much pain.

Insufferable Hank convinces his pals (by paying each of them $200, making him apparently RICHLY insufferable) to sneak into a nearby abandoned prison and gather some film footage. Because this baker's dozen batch of interchangeable friends are all functioning with a collective IQ of 99, they happily agree. 

As you might guess, the abandoned prison is dark and large and haunted by something. Hank orders his friends to split up into pairs to explore, which helps us as the audience in that people start dying with efficiency. 

You would think that the characters who last the longest might at least start to accumulate personality, but that's just silly. This is tone of the most disposable batches of characters in any horror movie I've ever seen and friends, I've seen a LOT of horror movies.

I don't normally watch any film from a place of hate. Sure, sometimes a slasher benefits from having an unlikable batch of victims so that the audience can take a bit of pleasure in their inevitable tragedy. But even then, we want them to be interesting. 

Against the Night did not get that memo. There are something like nine people who go on Hank's journey. Aside from hearing the name "Rachel" a lot (as she frames the movie), not one of them registers. At one point, Rachel starts rattling off the rest of her pals: Brooke, Michelle, Sean, Dan, Nick...you get the idea. Even their NAMES are generic. Maybe the idea was to up the body count by having a larger-than-usual cast, but since the attack scenes are shot in darkness, what does it even matter?

Writer/director Brian Cavallaro has some good ideas. He mixes filming styles from standard narrative to handheld camera in a way that makes sense. The story eventually shows some surprises, but even one hour into an 85 minute movie is a LONG one hour. The payoff simply isn't worth it.

High Points

I won't spoil it, but the last act reveal upon reveal of Against the Night is a tad more interesting than you'd expect (considering the actual quality of storytelling on display)

Low Points

Part of the reason I figured I could take a gamble on Against the Night was that the trailer heavily featured Frank Whaley. Would it surprise you to know that he's barely in it?

Lessons Learned

Becoming an adult happens to the best of us

Believe it or not, you don't have to hang out with horrible people who film you having sex without your consent

Making fun of One Missed Call is fine for the average horror movie fan, but if your movie makes One Missed Call look like The Exorcist, it's probably not the best line of dialogue

Rent/Bury/Buy

In case you had not yet figured it out, I hated this movie. I can't imagine who it's for, other than the cast and crew's most forgiving relatives. If that happens to be you, find it on Peacock.