Needs More Topless Forster

 

It took me quite a long time to see the mild cult classic Alligator, but that also meant it hit me at exactly the right time. I went in with low expectations and was charmed by how it navigated its Jaws references while working in some sly humor. It was the smartest dumb movie I'd seen in quite some time, so why not set my DVR to record TCM's late night showing of its lesser loved sequel?

Quick Plot: Through land developments and the usual corporate greed, some very toxic substances are flowing through the lake of Regent Park. Only Detective David Hodges seems to be concerned about the growing number of missing persons, perhaps because most of them are either unhoused or part of the Latino community.

The mayor is naturally under the thumb of wealthy real estate developer Vincent Brown. Wealthy real estate developer Vincent Brown is naturally responsible for polluting the waters which leads, of course, to THE MUTATION.

I'm trying to drum up some enthusiasm for the story because my gosh: Alligator II: The Mutation is one big slog.

The opening credits raised my hopes. Richard Lynch in the first film's Henry Silva role? Dee Wallace Stone as an adorable biologist? Clowns on stilts who will likely topple into the mouth of a mutated alligator? Surely we've got a good thing here!

Whew boy. We don't.

There was an 11 year gap between Alligator and Alligator II: The Mutation. That seems like quite a bit of time to develop a decent or at least creative sequel. The world at large wasn't clamoring for an Alligator followup, so making one had to come from a place of passion, right?

Not right. There's no passion in Alligator II: The Mutation. The film is a near complete retread of the first but without any of its weird little spark (sorry ladies, but Bologna keeps his shirt on). What should be the climax, where the alligator tears through a carnival, is about five minutes of some of the laziest mayhem I've ever seen. The alligator doesn't even eat things! He just whacks them with his tail!

I'M ANGRY!

It's Alligator II, for goodness sake. Where's your sense of joy? 

High Points

He's no Robert Forster, but Bologna tries, and has a certain charm that at least kept my interest

Low Points

Why is this lethargic, charmless Alligator sequel nearly two hours? Why does it even exist? Now I'm grumpy, so let's cheer up with a reminder of what made the first film so memorable:

This is the 17th time he takes his shirt off

Lessons Learned

When you get paid, you do your job

Alligators can't be professionals

Rookies never listen (which is why they often end up handcuffed in the bathroom)

Look! It's - 

Kane Hodder menacingly standing behind Richard Lynch!

and

Professor Toru Tanaka popping up briefly to throw another wrestler onto a table. In this (deadly doll's) house, anyone on the receiving end of Arnold Schwarzenegger's Running Man puns is celebrated

Rent/Bury/Buy

Ugh. I found very little joy in this movie. I can't imagine anyone else finding much more. 

Married...With Tubi

Ever wake up on a Thursday and find yourself saying, "Life would be okay if I could just have a smoothie and watch an early '90s made-for-TV crime saga?"

Really? Just me?

Sometimes I think of Tubi as my own personal Needful Things. It just knows exactly what I desire and delivers it. The cost is a few ads, which is only slightly worse than my soul. 

What a fine time to be alive. 

Quick Plot: Librarian Susan is four months pregnant but separated from her cheating husband. Teenage daughter Justine is bitter about the demise of her parents' marriage and rebels by making out with her boyfriend Ryan, turning mean girl to former best friend Ashley, and being snotty to her mother. 

While Susan is out enjoying a sweet date with her old high school flame Eric, Justine is having a complicated girls night. Ashley has told her that Ryan has been cheating with fellow cheerleader Vicki (such a cheating cheerleader name), and Justine has both gals over to chat. 

Things don't go well.

Vicki storms out with Ashley and Justine fast behind. There's hair pulling and screeching, and before you know it, Vicki is reported missing. The cops, including detective Eric, trace her last steps back to a lying Justine right as a jogger stumbles on her dead body in the woods. 

Clovis is a small town. Justine and Ashley are the prime suspects, with both girls tangling themselves in their knotty lies. Susan quickly becomes an outcast, and her burgeoning relationship with the case's head investigator doesn't look good for anyone. 

Violation of Trust, also listed as She Says She's Innocent, is a perfectly fine little TV movie. The story seems annoyingly straightforward until a third act twist, at which point you as the viewer will kick yourself for not spotting the obvious casting choice that tells you what you need to know about the film's real villain.

High Points

Director Charles Correll lucks out with a decent cast. Katey Sagal was a few years into her epic Married...With Children run and clearly wanted to show a different side of herself as a much more sympathetic (but still quite daft) mother. Charlotte Ross had just left Eve Donovan behind on Days of Our Lives and easily transitions as a slightly realer, still spoiled teen. These are very watchable women.

Low Points

Maybe it's just a very 2020s read, but I wanted so much more from what seemed like an incredibly toxic relationship between Justine and Ashley. Was Ashley in love with her too-cool best friend? 

Lessons Learned

Never ask a pregnant woman how she feels at 5AM

Homicide doesn't wet the appetite on a first date

Teenage couples don't share keys

Rent/Bury/Buy

There's nothing revolutionary about Violation of Trust. It's an early '90s TV movie with familiar faces and a melodramatic murder mystery. It scratched my itch exactly as I'd hoped. Bless you, Tubi.