Sunday, June 6, 2010

Gimme Five

You may have noticed that this blog’s poll has been stagnant now far longer than usual. I typically like to start each month with a fresh question that gauges my audience’s taste in one random field or another.
So why, you may be wondering, has May’s Cinco de Pollo not made a June exit? The cynical may say it’s due to slackerdom on my part, but those true of heart should trust in my powers to know I’m simply speechless over the recent results.
It’s an industrious little franchise that reaches the 5 mark. Also quite often, a stale one scrounging for spark. Looking at the choices I assembled, how in the Hellraiser: Inferno did Halloween 5 and Friday the 13th V: A New Beginning get so close to nipping at the tiny heels of Seed of Chucky?
Before I get ahead of myself, let’s take a quick moment to examine the runners-up:
Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror (Zero votes)

A terrible title and a film I apparently watched on the SyFy Channel a few months back, yet have absolutely no memory of. Did the Men In Black stop by the Bronx, or is this really that forgettable? Hard to believe, considering IMDB includes David Carradine and my dream pimp, Fred Williamson in the cast. 
Hellraiser: Inferno (1%)

A film I definitely have never seen (and not just mentally blocked), this fifth installment has no Clive Barker backing but does star Nightbreed hunk Craig Sheffer and Ajax himself, James Remar. The latter makes me happy, but the latter also popped up for a scene or two in The Unborn  and look how well that turned out.
Leprechaun in Da Hood (3%)

As surprised as I was at the poor showing of this wannabe cult classic, I’ll chalk some of the sway over to that other (far superior) horror comedy starring a different vertically challenged redhead. Despite a superb premise, watching Warwick Davis rap is far less fun than should ever be possible.
A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (4%)

Maybe not the worst of the series but certainly the dullest (though the more critically acclaimed New Nightmare works hard to take that title). You’d think that the complexity of fetal dreams could at least birth some subtext (even Freddy’s Revenge managed to salvage its awfulness via homosexual metaphors) but aside from the apparent pro-life stance taken so early, this fifth Freddy romp is devoid of just about anything interesting. Lisa Wilcox’s Alice enters with mild residual sympathy, but her new batch of everyone’s-got-a-gimmick friends don’t bring much weight to the saga. Aside from a neat-enough comic book inspired death, Nightmare 5 is a snooze.
Hannibal Rising (6%)

There was a time when I was really excited to see this film. Most of that yearning came from the fact that Dominic “McNulty” West and Kevin “Lucious Vorenus” McKidd were listed in the credits. Four of you readers out there in the world would, it would seem, convince me to indeed rekindle that urge I once had. Perhaps one day when I find myself with a meat craving, I shall.
Saw V (6%)

The worst of the series and the epitome of what people who haven’t seen the films (but really want to complain about them anyway) would use as ammunition. Convoluted plot, characters we have no investment in, various loose ends, and an uninspired setup that manages to recycle plot points from just about every film before it. Power to Saw VI  for rescuing a franchise I had almost declared dead (Donny Walberg head smash dead, not Dr. Gordon is-he-or-isn’t-he deadish).
Diary of the Dead (8%)

In my personal estimation, Romero’s fifth in his Dead quintology (well now, sextology? stop giggling) series receives some unfair panning. Its weaknesses are glaring, but so were Day of the Dead’s (actors without indoor voices anyone?) and I will argue to my death that were the monotone narration removed, this would be considered a genuinely okay film.
Halloween 5 (22%)

Danielle Harris returns to give another fine underage performance, but aside from that, I have absolutely no idea why 14 of you presumably smart, kind and beautiful readers find anything to love about this lesser slasher. Enlighten me. Please.
Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning (22%)

Much like Halloween 5, this (spoiler alert) Jason-free installment teases audiences with the possibility that the previous film’s child survivor is now donning a dime store mask to match a bloody weapon. It's a tease that doesn't pay off, and the film's sole interest point seems to be the utter sleaziness it proudly sports. Are there really people out there in the world that dare to cite this a superior film to Jason Takes Manhattan???
The Winner, thank goobers:

Seed of Chucky (25%)
I’ve yet to fully expand on why I love this gleefully camped-out entry, but for now, heed my recommendation that if you haven’t seen Seed of Chucky, you're missing out on something really neat. 

It’s funny. 

It’s gross. 


Rather adorable. 


And John Waters gets a cameo. 

Get to it.


  1. Thank golly H5 didn't win. That movie pains my neon heart.

    I've been planning to revisit Seed of Chucky for a while, this seems like a fair reason to do that.

    Keep up the great stuff!

  2. I'm happy to make the world a better place any way I can (i.e., reminding people that campy horror films about androgynous dolls are awesome).

  3. I voted for's no Bride, but it is damn entertaining that's for sure. I always thought the way they took that series was pretty smart, and instead of being the joke, those two sequels made the joke. Laugh with them instead of at them if you will.

    I have seen that Hellraiser film back when it came out on VHS, and surprise! It was awful. The Dream Child, on the other hand, is fantastic.

  4. I have to admit that I have not seen Seed yet, but looks like I'm missing out. Haha

    Seriously though, great post, Emily!

  5. I hear ya Matt. I figure Don Mancini reached a point where he had seen the fact that lil CHucky had become a pop culture punchline, so he found a new way to keep the little guy alive. The more I go back to those last two films, the more I really admire what he did. Not that I'm not excited (believe it or now) for his own remake/reboot of the franchise. Chucky will always be scary to me for personal reasons, but what Mancini does with Jennifer Tilly and the mythology of Good Guys is just damn great.

    And yes Geof, you are totally missing out! Also recommended is watching Bride & Seed back to back with Mancini and Tilly's commentary tracks.

    And one more thing before I go: Matt! The Dream Child? Explain yourself (aside from the coolness of comic book death).

  6. Yes!!!

    Seed of Chucky was one, big cackle fest for I. That franchise went from straight creepy to sad in a No Seriously, poor Andy way to loose camp/hysterics. It's one of the few horror anthologies to pull it off well. And I have a seriously lady crush on Jennifer Tilly. Don't judge me.

    I'm totally with you on Nightmare 5 but *record scratch* What in blazes have you got against New Nightmare's bloody brilliance? Hater...

    I voted for Halloween. Probably because I'm partial to six because I thought it was a pretty decent wrap up of that Halloween franchise B-story. If I were to separate it from 'The Curse of...' You're right, it's only shine is Danielle Harris. The film is shrouded in almost too much mystery and the kills and pace could very much have anyone snoozing at some point. Still, it's fun to watch on a gloomy day or around that time of the year.

    I did see Inferno! The mention of Sheffer tipped me off. It was meh. How many times need we see morally bankrupt folks stupid enough to open a Hell's gates puzzle box? I guess insanity being the metaphor for life...

    And I'll just say... you've inspired a blog post! You shall see soon.

  7. I love Friday The 13th V:

    1) It was directed by the man who killed Linda Blair's career by directing her in a movie that was too sleazy. That's right he found a way to go "to far" with a woman who had been violated by a toilet plunger and a crucifix.

    2) The Kill count can only be deemed existential.

    3) Fat. Kid. Murder.

    Bonus Points: That New Wave chick is one of the cutest girls in a slasher movie I've ever seen.

  8. Bryce: True, I'll give part V a little more credit for embracing true sleaziness, something all the other Friday films want to do but never quite get. I will confess, I'm now far more interested in seeing this Linda Blair more-sleazy-than-crucifix-masturbation movie!

    Ashlee: Jennifer Tilly is totally on my girl crush list as well, mostly due to the Chucky films where she has such a marvelous sense of humor about herself.

    New Nightmare: I just find it kinda dull. Part of it is my aversion to movies about moms who spend the entire running time protecting their bratty kids. Just not my cup of beer. Halloween 5 has a similar problem for me. I hate that both it and Friday V tease you with an alternate killer, only to deliver the same old slasher tale. Plus it's ALWAYS on AMC during October, and I'd so rather watch part 1, 2, 3, 4, or Resurrection (terrible, but Tyra death and Bustah Rhyes ridiculousness at least entertains). So yeah. My bitterness usually has some kind of cause.

    And hell yes to that inspired post!!!

  9. Savage. Streets.

    You will thank me.

    Either that, or you will come burn down my house. Either way it will be interesting.

  10. Grrr, in the queue as a 'save.'

    EVENTUALLY, I will thank you or burn your house down. Take comfort in knowing you have plenty of time (my thank yous can be very intense).

  11. It probably won’t be too long until the [REC] movies get added to this list. Apparently Jaume Balagueró is getting ready to do a third film titled [REC] Apocalypse, and he’s got a movie called “Fragile” in Fangoria’s frightfest.

  12. Interesting. I haven't seen REC 2 yet, but it seems to have been pretty well received. I absolutely loved Balaguero's A Christmas Tale in the 6 Films to Keep You Awake series, so I'll definitely sign up for whatever genre stuff he keeps making.

  13. Why wasn't the Saw series of films (has had 6) added to this list? Or better yet, The Texas Chainsaw films (with 6 also)? Thanks Moodizzle for the suggestion. That Fragile film will looks pretty decent. I've added it to my Netflix queue.

  14. Psst..Bryan. Look closer. Saw V is on there. It received 6% of the votes. I normally find myself defending the franchise as I think it gets an unfair shake, but I think 5 is by far the worst in the series.

    I did, however, completely forget about TCM. I guess the 5th entry would have technically been the remake, which I was surprised to find I really enjoyed. I wasn't smitten with it, but I'd say it's one of the better remakes to come out this century.