Alpha All the Way

Welcome to the Annual February Shortening! In honor of the shortest month on a blog written by a short woman, all posts are devoted to stories about vertically challenged villains. If you, reader of any height, have your own mini-horror to share, do so in the comments and I'll include you in a final post roundup as the calendar changes!

Quick Plot: A beautiful sloth is living her best life in her native Panama when a wormy human shoots her with a tranquilizer dart. 

We do not deserve our spot at the top of the food chain. 

Somewhere in "America(?)", Emily (not me) is gearing up her campaign to run for sorority house president. This riles reigning queen bee Brianna, though without a huge social media following, Emily's chances are slim. Enter a meet-cute with the aforementioned poacher, who offers her a great deal on a familiar adoptable sloth.

Alpha, as she will soon be named, quickly charms her way through campus (after triumphantly mauling her captor to death). Emily is suddenly enjoying the popularity she always longed for, though best friend (and rare sorority sister with a conscience) Madison worries Emily's losing her soul in the process. 

Though it all, nobody seems to notice that Alpha is on an efficient (and adorable) murder spree. 

Directed by Matthew Goodhue, Slotherhouse is silly horror fun at its best. Granted, I'm a mark for cute puppetry, but there's something so confident about the film's tone that's impossible to resist. We even get a montage! CLEARLY this movie (with a fun script by Bradley Fowler and Cady Lanigan) knows exactly what it's doing. 

While the practical effects and wacky concept would probably be enough to make Slotherhouse work for a lot of genre audiences, there's an added bonus here: the film has an actual arc. Slashers (and yes: this is indeed one) specialize in centering their violence on pretty but usually vapid young people. Maybe there's a sweet final girl to root for or heroic jock who throws himself in front of the machete with her name on it, but for the most part, our characters aren't meant to learn much along the way to their early deaths. The screenwriters cited Happy Death Day as an inspiration, and while Slotherhouse doesn't quite reach those heights, it clearly understood why that film worked. Sure, it had a fun concept and sharp cast, but more importantly, it took its lead on a journey that changed the way she thought about the world. Slotherhouse might be more basic in its animal rights messaging, but how many slashers end with its survivors taking up a genuine cause?

High Points

I was perfectly satisfied with Slotherhouse's cheerful and positively pointed ending, only to then erupt in glee once I realized the closing credits song ("Last Selfie") was an original that summed up Alpha's journey. BONUS POINTS ABOUND

Low Points

Considering this is a movie about a nearly unkillable, Instagram-mastering, alcohol-loving sloth murdering an entire sorority house, I shouldn't let logistical details bog anything down BUT this being The Shortening, I can't stay silent: I have no doubt that Alpha would know how to drive a car and navigate maps, but how DARE you give me such a scene without explaining how her little sloth feet reached the pedals. THIS IS A VERTICALLY CHALLENGED LESSON WE ALL COULD USE

Lessons Learned

You only need three toes to master social media

Dirty martinis are for your grandmother

When trying to pass a Serbian production off as American, it might be better to refrain from having your characters say such uncommon American terms as "she's talking American at you"

Rent/Bury/Buy

If you can give into its immense charms, you will have a wonderfully dumb (in the best way) time with Slotherhouse, streaming now on Hulu. If you can't, I'm very sorry that your life is so dour. Perhaps you just need to visit Panama?

Bigger Than Bat Boy

 

Welcome to the Annual February Shortening! In honor of the shortest month on a blog written by a short woman, all posts are devoted to stories about vertically challenged villains. If you, reader of any height, have your own mini-horror to share, do so in the comments and I'll include you in a final post roundup as the calendar changes!

With over 15 years of writing this blog and many more living as a human being with particular tastes, it gets harder and harder to find killer doll movies that I haven't seen. We've reached a point where there has to be a little elasticity to the very DEFINITION of "killer doll", hence today's tale of terror featuring a villainous paperweight. 

Quick Plot: A stuffy history professor is lecturing his bored (and excessively rude) class about the Aztecs. Annoyed at their dismissal of his slides, he summons some kind of magic from an image of a wooden idol of the demon Destacatyl to give his student a nosebleed. Nobody seems to care other than Francis, a wealthy man who's never introduced but clearly knows the power of this figurine, so much so that after the professor is impaled by supernatural happenings in his own classroom, Francis heads to Mexico to find the real piece.

It's there, but under protection. An old man guards it but assigns the actual safety of Destacatyl to a young, incorruptible boy. Both are, unfortunately, extremely susceptible to bullets, though Francis doesn't quite get what he was hoping for.

Suddenly, we're whiplashed back to the States where a trio of high school students led by I-WANT-TO-BELIEVE Julie are having a casual seance. Teen Tommy now has Destacatyl, a never-explained souvenir from his parents' recent vacation. Some ouija board drama scares the kids away, but evil lingers: a security guard pays the price with his head.

Cut AGAIN to YET ANOTHER set of characters: Sandy, a lead reporter for a Weekly World News-ish tabloid and her rather obnoxiously aimless pal Jerry. Sandy gets the byline for the story reporting the security guard's death, which leads Julie to beg her for a followup, which Jerry grabs with far too much enthusiasm.

Got all that? The Power, as you might have guessed, doesn't quite seem to know how to tell its own story. Eventually, Jerry falls victim to Destacatyl's whims, shoving women down garbage disposals and mutating into a rubbery monster. It's up to Sandy and Julie to defeat Destacatyl and break his hold.

Written and directed by the team of Stephen Carpenter and Jeffrey Obrow (who went on to make the better known The Kindred), The Power feels like it's missing about five scenes...while also feeling a good half hour too long. There are plot points and characters that simply don't connect. You can forgive a lot of horror movies (particular ones with zanier concepts) a lot of that, but when we're five minutes in and already confused about how an ancient idol has switched hands five times only to land in a suburban high school, it's a bit distracting. 

All that being said, I still had fun with The Power, mostly due to its own cheap early '80s charm. While it doesn't give us many surprises, it also feels refreshingly original (maybe because of its own narrative messiness). I don't quite know what to make of it, which is something I rarely get to say. 

High Points

I found myself enjoying the score throughout The Power, only to discover why once I followed some IMDB trails: composer Christopher Young has had an incredibly prolific career, particularly in the horror genre. Credits include Sinister, Copycat, Flowers In the Attic, Wonder Boys, Tales From the Hood, and the original theme for Hellraiser (which means the poor man has his name on several sequels)

Low Points

I'm comfortable enough with my level of intelligence to know that when a low budget '80s horror movie is this confusing, it's not my fault

Lessons Learned

When you have unlimited supernatural power, you can be anything you want (including a small town librarian)

The best descriptive word for "a lot" is "legions"

Thinking a cursed idol is a Mexican salt shaker is a common reaction among the ignorant

Rent/Bury/Buy

Now streaming on Tubi, The Power is worth any horror completist's time. It doesn't do anything particularly new (or well), but it just feels a little different in its storytelling. Give it a go when you're craving some confusing plotting and practical effects. 

Not All Heroes Wear Collars

Welcome to the Annual February Shortening! In honor of the shortest month on a blog written by a short woman, all posts are devoted to stories about vertically challenged villains. If you, reader of any height, have your own mini-horror to share, do so in the comments and I'll include you in a final post roundup as the calendar changes!

and for the English speakers:

Quick Plot: Li Tung is growing annoyed by his upstairs neighbors and their late night floor banging (noise-making, not the sexy kind). He knocks on their door to discover an old apologetic man, his attractive daughter, and an even more attractive black cat. The next day, the household has moved, but Li Tung can't quite shake the feeling that something was off. He sneaks into their empty apartment to discover a horrifying bloodstain.

The cops aren't thrilled to waste their morning on what turns out to be cat remains. Li Tung joins police inspector Wang at the modern mansion of suave novelist friend Wisely' to discuss the case further as the city experiences its own unusual crime: the mysterious museum theft of an artifact called "the octagon". 

By a cat.

And mushroom blob monster.

No, they're not working together. See, the cat is actually an alien general in the body a kickass cat, and the mushroom blob monster is its sworn enemy with the power to possess the puny human bodies it touches.The adventurous Wisely is now fully entrenched in helping to save the world, though he, like so many mere mortals, initially suspects the cat of villainy. 

Yes, I know: The Shortening is a month of vertically challenged villains, but The General is actually quite heroic. I THINK he saves the world? But it takes a LITTLE time to make that clear, and when we see him pitted against a lovable mastiff in an all-out brawl, we're not necessarily rooting for him. 

Until, of course, we see his incredible battle skills.

Cinema is filled with memorable fight scenes. Rocky vs. Apollo Creed, Luke vs. Vader, The Bride vs. Vernita Green, Nada vs. Frank. I'm sure there are plenty of listicles with scientific rankings, but I tell you now, dear reader, that if said ranking does not include The General vs. Lau Pu, aka Alien Cat v. Good Dog In Junkyard, then said list should only be used as litter. It means NOTHING.

The Cat was made by Lam Ngai Kai, an extraterrestrial in the form of human director best known for the magnificently zany Riki-Oh: The Story of Riki. The Cat is on par. There are just as many explosions and bug-eyed dummies, plus the added thrills of an electrifying mushroom blob monster and, you know, THE CAT. 

They don't make 'em like this anymore.

Most never make this ANYWHERE.

High Points

I can't possibly oversell the puppet cat vs. paper mache dog junkyard battle because it is EPIC and so much more than you can possibly imagine, so much more than you can ever deserve

Low Points

Until someone promises me that no animals were harmed in the making of The Cat, I'll withhold SOME of my intense enthusiasm 

Lessons Learned

Vodka is the strongest wine in the world

Always stock your home bar with top shelf alcohol, both for optimum cocktail service and most effective molotov cocktail service

Cats are the social equivalent of blacksmiths

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Cat is streaming on the Criterion Channel. Your life will be better after you experience it.

What's the Matter With Kids Today?

Welcome to the Annual February Shortening! In honor of the shortest month on a blog written by a short woman, all posts are devoted to stories about vertically challenged villains. If you, reader of any height, have your own mini-horror to share, do so in the comments and I'll include you in a final post roundup as the calendar changes!

Quick Plot: It's a double date cabin vacation for two couples at very different points in their respective relationships. Thomas and Ellie are in a bit of a rut after a half-successful night experimenting with an open relationship (their weird little children Lucy and Spencer being weird little children aren't helping). Slightly more carefree Margaret and Ben continue to waffle on whether they want to be parents, particularly with some of Ben's mental health history.

These problems are nothing that a little nature hike couldn't fix, right? The group discovers a strangely alluring, incredibly deep cave that seems to have a particularly strong effect on Spencer. The next morning, the babysitting Ben awakens to discover the kids have gone missing. He tracks them back to their favorite new spot just in time to watch them both leap to their deaths. 

Or not.

Though Ben (and the audience) witness their odd suicide, Lucy and Spencer immediately appear back at their parents' cabin in a perfectly cheerful, none plummet-off-a-cliff mood. Ben is relieved, but his peace quickly curdles when realizes the kids aren't quite all right. 

You might even say, THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE CHILDREN.

We get quite a few more plot twists in the script by T.J. Cimfel and David White, all handled with great energy by director Roxanne Benjamin. For the first 45 minutes or so, there's some deeply unsettling tension. Is Ben cracking under the effects of lithium, or are his friends' children pure evil? And ultimately, which makes a more interesting movie?

For me, There's Something Wrong With the Children chose the wrong path, though I don't mean to imply that it doesn't fully work. The stretch where Ben (Zach Gilford, who's spent enough time in horror to know how to convey disoriented terror) and by extension, we are full on edge wondering how far these little monsters will go is incredibly tense. Granted, I'm a mark for homicidal minors, but personal preference aside, it's great stuff. And what follows is...fine. 

I won't spoil the last act or ultimate reveal. Much like with her first feature Body at Brighton Rock, Roxanne Benjamin nails a unique kind of tone that takes small human awkwardness into wickedly dark and funny territory. That feeling roars for There's Something Wrong With the Children's first hour, but once the main game is revealed and the plot kicks into cat-and-mouse chase, the surprises just aren't there.

High Points

I appreciate how much time and specificity is spent in defining both couples' current conditions, and perhaps more importantly, the four actors' skills at making their characters work as human beings even before they're running for their mortal lives

Low Points

The more you start to think about the nature of the actual villains and their specific decisions, the more some of There's Something Wrong With the Children's details start to become very, very fuzzy

Lessons Learned

Powder puff is girl's football for girls that don't want to have it called football

Generally speaking, it's better to get in a car than under it

When hanging around evil children, always drink out of sealed containers (actually, children are pretty gross even when not evil so apply this lesson to all manners of life)

Rent/Bury/Buy

At barely 90 minutes, There's Something Wrong With the Children feels like a brisk but swerving ride. For me, it was just one of those cases of a movie taking a turn in a different direction than my instincts, but that doesn't mean I'm the barometer on what kind of story we should have had here. It's enjoyable, but it also misses out on being great. Still worth a watch (currently streaming on Amazon Prime and MGM+, which allegedly is a real thing). 

Best of the Year! (well, my year)

It’s an annual tradition in these parts to take the last week in January as the day I celebrate my favorite movies that I reviewed over that past year. It’s my late stab at doing a ‘best of’ list, and also, my own little way of remembering that it was this same week WAY back in 2009 that I decided to build my own doll’s house in literary cinematic form.

Here we are, FIFTEEN YEARS later, and what can I say? The world has changed. I’ve gone from my 20s to my 40s, lived a few lifetimes, and have witnessed the birth of FOUR additional installments in the Children of the Corn franchise. 

And have still yet to find an actual good one.

In other words, don’t worry: this site remains what it is and has always been, a little nook on the internet to grab a weekly dose of my blathering on about the most rewarding genre.

With that in mind, here are the best movies I reviewed here in 2023. And remember: I never said I had good taste. 

14. Snow White: A Tale of Terror

Fantasy horror hit a draught in the ‘90s, with director Michael Cohn’s mid-budget Snow White dying a slow death on Showtime. While not a masterpiece, it’s a gorgeous-looking film and most importantly, features a true movie star performance from Sigourney Weaver. She clearly relished the chance to go big, but what makes her wicked stepmother such an anchor is how much pathos she brings to this character. The last few years have seen a minor renaissance in this kind of film, and all of them share this kind of layered, glamorous villainess who tends to grab more of the audience interest than the bland ingenue intended to be the story’s heart. Snow White is far from perfect or even the best telling of this kind of story, but there’s a lot here that is easy to relish.

13. Hounded

We’ve seen plenty of variations on Hounded’s plot: poor but plucky young delinquents attempt to rob old money snobs only to discover they’ve punched their tickets as prey in The Most Dangerous Game. There’s nothing that revolutionary about Hounded, but director Tommy Boulding imbues his version with a surprising amount of heart. His characters are human beings who aren’t ready to face (or cause) death, even if it comes at the hands of the deliciously gravel-voiced head huntress Samantha Bond. 

12. The Strays

Sometimes a good movie becomes great in its last ten seconds. Making his filmmaking debut, writer/director Nathaniel Martello-White takes several big genre-bending twists as he follows Neve, an upper class stay-at-home mom and light-skinned black woman whose past comes back to reckon with the life she meticulously, immorally built for herself. It’s not a perfectly paced story, but it’s aided by some ferocious performances and, most importantly, one of the most wickedly satisfying film endings I’ve ever seen. 

11. Bit

Low budget lesbian vampire stories aren’t the first thing I expect to add to a best-of list, but I knew immediately after watching Bit that it would find its spot here. Trans rights activist Nicole Maines stars as a recent high school graduate who falls into the wrong (or right?) undead crowd headed by the insanely cool Diana Hopper. Writer/director Brad Michael Elmore doesn’t change the genre landscape, but he finds a new angle into an old story and lets his incredibly charismatic actresses thrive. 

10. You Should Have Left

David Koepp reunited with his Stir of Echoes star Kevin Bacon for this extremely satisfying twist on the haunted house format. Bacon stars as the much older husband of Amanda Seyfried’s movie star wife. When they take their daughter to a secluded Welsh farmhouse for some family bonding, things quickly unravel. Much like another title a few spots up this list, You Should Have Left is a pleasant reminder that sometimes, A-list talent still has a place in the horror genre. 

9. Sea Fever

Who can ever say no to Alien at sea? Neasa Hardiman’s sci-fi body horror follows an awkward grad student’s ill-fated ride on a fishing boat through extraterrestrial squid territory. It’s short, it’s gooey, and it’s so efficient in its storytelling that my only real problem was that I wanted more.

8. The Innocents

It’s not secret that evil children are one of my all-time favorite types of horror movie villains, which also means I’ve also seen a LOT of evil children horror movies. You have to work hard to tap into something fresh. That’s what makes Eskil Vogt’s The Innocents such a special watch. Set under the shining Nordic sun, The Innocents follows a set of kids who seem to be randomly gifted extraordinary powers of the mind. The problem? They’re so young that they don’t necessarily understand their own moral grounding. It’s eerie, occasionally horrific, and always unsettling. 

7. Better Watch Out

It was a good year for The Shortening! Writer/director Chris Peckover nails a clever tone with his Christmas-set home invasion that follows a plucky babysitter (the always reliable Olivia DeJonge) and her more-than-meets the eye charge (Levi Miller). The easy description is that this is the natural horror movie progression of Home Alone, but that sells Peckover’s work short. This is a filmmaker who has a lot to say and explore, and more importantly, has such a mastery of the genre that he manages to do so in funny AND shocking ways.

6. Phantom of the Mall: Eric’s Revenge

There are ‘80s horror movies, and there are ‘80S HORROR MOVIES. Phantom of the Mall is set at a MALL. It has SKATEBOARDING deaths. SHOULDER PADS. MORGAN FAIRCHILD IN SHOULDER PADS. These things are great on their own, but toss in some early capitalist satire and even more sequins and you’re in for a truly delightful treat. 

5. Citizen X

Unlike a lot of my fellow horror brethren, I find serial killers and particularly, movies based on REAL serial killers more nauseating than entertaining. Citizen X, an early HBO original movie, gets a bit of a pass for having enough distance between its true crime pedigree and the present to assuage my guilt at being so intrigued by a horrific crime involving real people. Because seriously: this movie is highly entertaining. Stephen Rea plays a Soviet forensic specialist leading an 8-year investigation into a child murderer. That’s hard, but doing so under the bureaucratic weight of the Soviet Union is nearly impossible. Thankfully, there’s Donald Sutherland as a higher up with a better understanding of how to play the game. Watching these actors play off each other is a thrill, especially when you factor in a good old-fashioned detective story told well.

4. Influencer

Just as ghost hunting was the premier profession of 2010 horror characters, the job of influencer has become quite common on Shudder originals and when it’s done as well as Kurtis David Harder’s film, I have no problem with that. The incredibly charismatic Cassandra Naud stars as a world traveler with an unhealthy habit of befriending social media sensations and taking over their already fragile identities. There’s so much more going on here, and it’s genuinely thrilling with surprise after surprise. What a refreshing little movie. 

3. Copycat

Sometimes you spend 20+ years assuming you’d seen a popular big budget studio film only to discover you were mixing it up with a dozen other movies. Thankfully, I finally sat down to watch 1995’s Copycat and was rewarded with something special: big movie stars giving it their all in a sharp thriller filled with everything you want on the big screen. Copycat is the kind of movie that doesn’t really get made anymore, though you can certainly see its legacy on streaming miniseries that often misunderstand the appeal of a good investigative mystery. Holly Hunter and Sigourney Weaver are at the top of their game as two incredibly capable, yet very different professional women who are the last thing standing between a psychopath and a whole lot of innocent victims. It’s a master class in how to do a popcorn flick right. 

2. Sissy

Influencer culture is a hot topic in this year’s indie horror, and though I still flinch when someone sends me a TikTok, I’m all for it. With Sissy, the writer/director team of Kane Senes and Hannah Barlow craft an incredibly rich portrait of a successful but anxiety-filled social media star who can’t quite let go of the emotional scars of her past. Lead Aisha Dee is achingly good in the titular role, making it easy for the audience to actively root for her success even if it means the death of a few innocent bystanders. This was one of the most satisfying watches I’ve had in a long, long time. 

1. Dual

Riley Stearns is one of the most interesting filmmakers working today with the lowest profile, and with an output as good as Dual and Faults, I hope things stay that way. More black comedy than the futuristic sci-fi its plot synopsis sells, Dual follows an unlucky woman (played to deadpan perfection by Karen Gillan) misdiagnosed with a fatal disease in a future where you can commission your own double to take over your life when you die. When her illness proves to be minor, she’s now challenged by a clone who won’t leave in a society that has specific, bureaucratic systems in place to deal with such matters. It’s incredibly funny and exceedingly weird in ways that call The Lobster to mind, and I absolutely loved it.