I Guess You Have to Start Somewhere

 

Some perfectly fine actors just can't seem to find roles in good movies. As Margaery Tyrell, Natalie Dormer took a minor character in one of television's largest casts and turned her into someone worthy of her own show. And yet, post-Game of Thrones, the poor woman seems to only star in terrible movie after terrible movie.

Coincidentally, here's today's Peacock find.

Quick Plot: Basically, 28 Days Later has happened, and now we're about two years in (104 Weeks?). Not quite angry monkeys, but canine rabies is the cause here. Much like those angry monkeys, these bites transform the infected into highly fit rage monsters.

Somewhere underground, obnoxious military soldiers and a handful of not-too-bright scientists are working hard to understand the virus (and believably communicate in American accents). The real hope lies in Morgan (Matt Smith), a low level officer who seems to have immunity to the pandemic. Not only did he not turn after being bitten, but he can also understand and communicate with the sick. Dr. Gina Rose (Dormer) and Scooter (John Bradley, who played the similarly silly named Samwell Tarly on Game of Thrones) are hopeful that by capturing and interrogating some infected, Morgan can help them solve the cause (and therefore cure) via the titular Patient Zero.

Could that be The Professor, a cocky rage zombie played by, hold your martini, Stanley Tucci?

All of this probably sounds fine, especially to a horror fan. Patient Zero isn't terribly unlike a slicker Day of the Dead: single spirited female staving off chauvinism, alpha male army jerks, kind but useless supporting men, zombie-ish creature that talks and likes music, you get the drift. 

What's missing? Well, a few things. The actors -- predominantly British -- all seem to be straining awfully hard to play Americans, begging the question "why not let them be British?" Matt Smith is obviously a charismatic and accomplished performer, but he's woefully miscast as the tough guy everyman with what might be an east coast accent? Our scientists seem like idiots, our survivors lack personality, leaving us all thinking the best case scenario for this reality is to let Stanley Tucci take over.

Without spoiling anything, Patient Zero ends on a weirdly open-ended note, as if this was all a setup for a new franchise the public was itching to see. "We must continue to fight!" our heroes stiffly narrate, as if this film has shown a single reason why humanity is worth saving. 

High Points
When we finally do get to the inevitable (not-but-totally) zombie invasion of the complex, director Stefan Ruzowitzky kicks into some quite good action horror

Low Points
Of course, seeing that highlight makes you realize how much this film missed its calling in not focusing on those kinds of sequences, rather than the far less compelling, far more labored human conversations

Lessons Learned
A viral apocalypse is no reason to let your hair lose its bounce

A lesser known side effect of canine rabies is that it increases your level of enjoyment of gossiping

The longer the lockdown, the messier the American accent

Rent/Bury/Buy

Patient Zero isn't a total wash, but it's an incredibly bumpy ride without a huge reward. Infected zombie completists have certainly seen worse. 

Not So Quick After All, Are You?

We all know the meme, and yes, it's true: of all the things movies taught us to fear, quicksand is second only to spiders in terms of its silliness. Still, just as those eight legs sticking out of bulbous abdomens inevitably chill us, the idea of drowning slowly in gooey wet earth remains an easy way to make us squirm. 

Quick Plot: Sophia and Josh are a soon-to-be-divorced couple scheduled to give presentations at a medical conference in Bogota, Sophia's former home. They're miserable but trying to survive the week with some touch of civility so Sophia can restart her career, which she put on hold in order to focus on raising their two young children. Tired of missing out on the good stuff, Sophia insists on taking a hike. Josh joins, as does a snake-hunting pickpocket. 

A scuffle ensues, and to avoid the thief's gun, the couple run straight into Las Arenas, the spot on the map locals warn against. Sophia quickly tumbles into a vat of titular quicksand. Demonstrating some extremely poor decision-making under pressure, Josh leaps in to join her.

The generation raised on Beastmaster and The Neverending Story has obviously logged some extremely long hours in order to develop a better understanding of what to do to avoid what always sounded like the absolute worst possible way to die. Sophie and Josh are doctors with just enough knowledge to not immediately drown. They also have enough medical knowledge to identify the body that floats to the surface of their small pool as a death by starvation fate, meaning no one is likely coming to save them.

Written by Fringe and Westworld alum Matt Pitts and directed by Andres Beltran, Quicksand is a great idea with good execution. The film wastes little time setting its high stakes, but it also never feels as confined as it could. Part of that is the side non-quicksand action, but even the tightness between Josh and Sophia should have more tension. 

Maybe the issue is that the most dreadful aspect of mythical '80s movie quicksand -- the agonizing drowning in sludgy cruel nature -- is pretty quickly taken off the table. Instead, the danger comes from unimpressive CGI ants, slightly more impressive snakes, and the threat of eventual starvation. Way less sexy, if you ask me.

High Points

A near two-person show like this requires strong characters and performances, and while it takes a little time to warm up to the guarded Sophie and a little too loose Josh, over the 90 minute running time, Carolina Gaitan and Allan Hawco do great work in slowly breaking down their walls to give us a fully layered view of their life together

Low Points

The away-from-the-quicksand action is necessary for this variation of the script and in truth, is handled better than it could have been, but at the same time, shifting from imminent death by exotic wildlife to miscommunication in a fancy hotel takes so much away from the tension of Sophia and Josh's plight

Lessons Learned

Always read the guidebook in full

Ants hate nothing more than sweaty pants vodka

When dining in Texas, avoid eating oysters in bulk

Rent/Bury/Buy

The internet told me to go into Quicksand with low expectations and as a result, I had a much better time than I expected. That being said, it's been a few days since I watched Quicksand and in that time, I've found myself thinking a lot about all the little things it could have done more effectively. If you're itching for some natural element/rainforest-themed horror, this should lend some satisfaction. Just don't expect too much.

My Sorority Sister Is An Alien

 

It's rare to discover a movie made in Canada that fully acknowledges it was, you know, made in Canada. Maybe it's my own history with Hallmark (I once paused once during Once Upon a Holiday at exactly the right moment to catch a screenshot of characters wandering by The First Bank of Ontario despite the film being set in New York) but it's shocking in the best of ways when a film rampant in aboots embraces its own politeness and ice hockey obsession.

Quick Plot: It's Halloween, and a teen jock enters a home to discover a pair of frozen frat bros watching static. Put a pin in that because now, it's winter at St. John's College and virginal freshmen Luke and Roger are very, very horny. 

Luke meets the dorm neighbors of his dreams in the laundry room. Lilly and Constance are a pair of pre-med sorority blondes eager to flirt with the Elijah Wood-by-way-of-Jonah-Hill Roger and CW-pretty Luke. It seems too good to be true because obviously, it is! Playing peeping tom like the typical college nerd of cinema history does, Luke discovers there's more to those beautiful bodies than pilates classes.

Tentacles! We've got CGI-spewing tentacles because as you probably figured out by now, Constance and Lily are aliens on a Canadian mission to find food and breeding opportunities. Not surprisingly, Luke has a hard time getting anyone to believe him, even after a few male students sporting bucket hats and pooka shell necklaces turn up dead in mysterious ways. 

He has two lady allies: ex-girlfriend and detective Nicole Eggert (give me that movie) and misfit classmate Alex, whose misfit status seems to stem from the simple detail that she has dark hair. As Roger grows closer to Constance, Luke knows their time is running out. What's a boy to do?

Decoys is a strange little film, one that plays like a junior version of Species but with (thankfully) a knowing wink. It took me just about up to the big talent show -- one that involved baton twirling, flame throwing, ventriloquism, and flight attendant safety lessons -- to confirm that director/co-writer Matthew Hastings expected his audience to chuckle more than scream. 

How much of that is fully intentional and how much came about when the 2004 computer effects kicked is probably up for debate. I'm guessing the target audience was more the age of the college characters than 40something horror bloggers, so while I can't really speak to how well the actual film works for its goals, I'll say that somewhere in its 90 minute running time, I stopped rolling my eyes and found myself rooting for it. 

High Points

Oddly enough, it's the absurdity of the "cold Canadian college beauty pageant" setup that somehow packs the most successful laughs

Low Points

On the other hand, icky frat pledges talking in rejected Animal House jokes as a language is pretty painful

Lessons Learned

Yanni fandom is the clearest indicator of alien origin

You can do a lot of bad things at a frat party, but spilling beer on angora is an unforgivable offense 

In Canada, a "red dress" (deliberately in quotation marks) is actually blue

Rent/Bury/Buy

When you find yourself in the mood for a mild Canadian sci-fi alien thriller with a sense of humor, I don't know how many more choices you'll have than Decoys (well, maybe its sequel Decoys 2: Alien Seduction).  It's streaming on Peacock in all its 2004 glory. 

Road Under Construction

As someone who devoured the Game of Thrones novels only to sadly come to accept the fact that George R.R. Martin was now bored of writing them and had no actual plans to finish his story on the page, I know the heartbreak of an incomplete tale. 

This is important information for today's film. 

Quick Plot: St. Charles is a quiet little town, one so small that it only employs two men on its police department despite having a history of serial killings and a major scarecrow festival coming up (don't get too excited...about anything, really).

High schooler (sure) Joe is moody, probably because she's been keeping a positive pregnancy test in her purse. Side note: a positive pregnancy test is something you pee on. Generally, it seems like poor hygiene to store it loosely next to your chapstick and wallet.

Anyhoo, Joe reluctantly agrees to boyfriend Corey's experimental double date with pals Rachael and Joe. The girls would be happy for something low key, but the boys have more ambitious plans: driving to the titular Munger Road in the hopes that they can capture ghost activity on camera. 

Meanwhile, Chief Kirkhoven and his loyal Deputy Hendricks are busy on the trail of escaped child murderer Father Shea Gunther. Through the slowest, least efficient investigation possible, they stumble on underground tunnels and bones, but no homicidal former priest. Could it be because he's busy messing with the teenagers' car up on Munger Road?

Maybe? Here's the wild thing about this movie, thus far the sole release from writer/director Nicholas Smith: IT'S INCOMPLETE.

At the risk of spoiling something that I don't know if it's fair to actually call a film, Munger Road ends with a literal "TO BE CONTINUED." We don't know who's really dead, who really killed them, or, perhaps more importantly, WHO'S GONNA WIN THE SCARECROW FESTIVAL.

Also, what IS a scarecrow festival?

Sigh. I never enjoy beating on a low budget film, especially when it's clear the project was done with heart. Smith creates some good atmosphere within certain sequences, including a great transition in camera perspective during one of the movie's found footage shots. 

But to what end? Munger Road 2 apparently never found the funding it needed, so 12 years in and we're left with an unfinished 90 minute story that offers absolutely no satisfaction.

And worse, no scarecrows.

High Points

Watching Bruce Davison twirl a shotgun around like a second string member of a middle school color guard troop gave me an epiphone: I wish he would star in more bad movies. I mean this as an incredibly sincere compliment. He has such an immediately comforting AND comfortable presence onscreen in virtually any material, making it easy for an audience to be invested. More bad movies could benefit from him on the cast list

Low Points

TO BE CONTINUED

Lessons Learned

Illinois teenagers have great memories when it comes to 3rd grade science lessons, but terrible instincts when it comes to understanding the very concept of time

Never enter a church with a shotgun

There may indeed be a difference between telling someone she's acting like a bitch and actually calling her a bitch, but dudes, trust me: she doesn't want to hear it, and you're wrong for having said it in the first place

Rent/Bury/Buy

Someone needs to warn viewers that they're not watching Munger Road: they're watching Munger Road: Part 1 (2 Pending Production, Proceed At Your Own Risk). Fine, that title is probably a little mouthy, but at least it's honest! So yes, obviously, I do not recommend this movie unless you have some masochist satisfaction from not being satisfied. You do you. 

The Hunt (said with Australian accent)

I suppose it has something to do with being the only 5-year-old at the movie theater watching The Running Man, but the hunting humans subgenre of action horror has just always packed a lot of appeal. Even the worse ones--and golly, Amazon Prime has some very low-priced duds--offer a little more automatic intrigue over a basic slasher or Saw trap-themed gorefest.

Onward today with the unimaginatively titled The Hunt! 

No, not that one.

Wait: did this 2009 movie get retitled on Amazon Prime with the same title as a marginally successful mainstream film in order to scoop a few viewers who might watch the entire thing without realizing their mistake? 

Genius.

Quick Plot: On the last Friday of every month, a group of loosely connected wealthy frenemies take part in the titular hunt, wherein they kidnap a batch of strangers and, well, kill them. The "hunt" part seems a bit like false advertising, as once the subjects are (easily) captured, the killers mostly just tie them up and torture them in their various styles until they're done.

The twist at this particular iteration of the game is that the soon-to-be-victims are loosely connected as classmates of "The Inquisitor", a former huntee who survived her game and now gets to play with the rest. On the menu are a sleazeball named Ricky, rich snob Sarah, deaf runner Ariel, her goth sister Callie, and Callie's computer expert buddy Chris.

The killers aren't that much more interesting. There's the big bad: a boring rich man. His daughter is a marginally more watchable martial arts expert. There's also a mysterious "sniper", cruel hacker, and sadistic ex-military guy trying to channel his inner Mick Taylor. 

Surprised? 

Written and directed by Jon Cohen, The Hunt (or The 7th Hunt, depending on where you see it) isn't terrible. It's just kind of nothing. You can't expect more from a low budget horror that came out of the grimy ashes of the post-Saw era wildfires. It would just have been nice to have found something. 

High Points

As you expect in this kind of story, one of the targets is a rich blond snob, but surprisingly, she ends up making for the most sympathetic victim. If only we had more of her

Low Points

Most of the running time

Lessons Learned

When trying to escape from a violent man, the best exit is to run straight into his chest

Finger count doesn't correlate with ball size

Lunacy pays well

Rent/Bury/Buy

Eh, The Hunt is far from the worst thing to come out of that ugly 2009 era of torture-y horror, but boy, remember how rough that era was? 

Angel of Muzak

I've spent most of my adult life assuming I'd seen Phantom of the Mall: Eric's Revenge, mostly because it was so often summoned in conversations as "you know, that '80s mall horror movie with the escalator death." The number of conversations I've had where I just continued talking about The Kiss (the OTHER '80s mall horror movie with an escalator death), never realizing there were TWO '80s mall horror movies with escalator deaths, well, in hindsight, there were a lot of miscommunication.

Quick Plot: The town of Midwood's long nightmare of shopping in the rain has come to an end. There's a new mall opening!

The teens scoop up part-time jobs, while mayor Morgan Fairchild struts around with a multi-tiered perm and even bigger shoulder pads to match her confidence in capitalism. There's new fashion on sale and arcades to roam. Pauly Shore serves frozen yogurt with sides of gross props because in the '80s, it was a requirement for any goofy dark-haired sidekick to love horror prop humor. Things are going so well that nobody REALLY notices how some of the mall's more immorally minded employees are turning up dead in wild ways.

Mall restaurant Melody and local newspaper photographer Peter are the exception. Melody is already on edge, having recently lost her beloved boyfriend Eric to a mysterious fire. Eric was a fine young man who happened to live on property needed for the mall's construction. Surely there was no connection!

A cobra-in-the-bathroom bite, skateboard accident, and of course, impalement by miniature scaled model of mall later, and we have one very satisfied Emily. I don't know much about its origins (the screenplay is credited to Friday the 13th: The Series alumni Scott Schnied and Tony Michelman, Frederick R. Ulrich, and eventual Evil/The Good Wife showrunner Robert King), but director Richard Friedman seems to be having a LOT of fun. There are even hints of a pre-Josie & the Pussycats subliminal capitalist messaging. All this in the same mall set used for Chopping Mall? You can't get me to Shudder fast enough. 

High Points

I don't know that I've ever been so enthused by a CAR CHASE in an '80s horror film, but when you toss pedestrians in the way in an indoor mall parking garage, I am IN

Low Points

The ingenue is rarely the most layered character in any story (particularly one with "Phantom" in the title) and while Kari Whitman is appealingly sweet as Melody, the film never gives her enough time or complexity. Her declaration of being in love with Peter comes out of nowhere, which is a shame when there certainly was an opportunity to explore what it means to move on from modified widowdom

Lessons Learned

A reporter's instincts can get out of hand quickly

Removing a body from a cemetery is both illegal AND sacrilegious

Major stockholder means major profit

Rent/Bury/Buy

Golly did I have fun with this one! It's got everything you want in an '80s mall-set horror film, including Morgan Fairchild in a cobalt blue sequined V-neck evening gown. Have at it!