Nerd Alert! Summer Reading Catchup

It's strange to think about just how much I love reading, just how much I love writing about movies, and just how little I ever think to write about the books I love reading. Often that's because my brain usually needs to take more time unraveling novels and coming to terms with how I ultimately felt about them, whereas films tend to be a more immediate experience.

So after a summer filled with a whole lot of library loans, I figured there's no reason not to share some of my recent recommendations, all on the genre(ish) side. And since sometimes it's hard to really get a feel for a book without the ease of a movie trailer, I'll throw in some adjacent material to help you figure out if it's to your taste (sometimes literally). 

Lapvona by Ottessa Moshfegh

Do you enjoy the medieval setting of Game of Thrones but find it, well, a tad too clean? Pump up the literal filth, black humor, class inequalities, and cannibalism for the wickedly entertaining Lapvona, a fictional fiefdom ruled by an idiotic glutton who inspires nothing but the worst in his poor starving subjects. While the point of view moves through several slightly less villainous characters, nobody in this miserable world really deserves the reader's love, and yet, reading their awful journeys never feels depressing. There's such a glorious absurdity to the action that it's kind of a delight. Or maybe I'm just a terrible person.

TV/Movie Pairing: 

The easy option would be a similarly period-set tale like Black Death or Hagazussa, but this book's real soulmate has deeper aspects in common: a fascination with all things food, no restraints on exploring what can be done to a human body, and a larger-than-life spoiled rotten crime lord who can't shut up. Yes, it's Peter Greenaway's beautifully ugly The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover. 

Beauty Queens by Libba Bray

When a plane carrying the Miss Teen Dream finalists crashes on a mysterious island, the young contestants are forced to use all of their pageant training to survive in the wilderness. Turns out, catching fish and building storm-proof shelters is much more rewarding than mastering tap choreography and hair removal. Bray, primarily an author of YA fiction, is clearly having fun creating a sort of Idiocracy-esque near future that richly satirizes how corporate America underestimates and devalues teenage girls. The diverse batch of characters are fully drawn, and there are plenty of laugh-out-loud moments that rival the best of Miss Congeniality. Some of the storytelling spins a bit out of control and not every subplot is handled cleanly, but overall, Beauty Queens is a whole lot of fun.

TV/Movie Pairing: 

I found Beauty Queens via an article recommending what to read after Yellowjackets, which makes perfect sense because Beauty Queens is sort of the sunnier, more optimistic version of the same basic premise. Less cannibalism, more explosions.

Clown In a Cornfield Series by Adam Cesare

Nothing is more exciting than seeing someone you know and respect create great work that finds a wide audience. Adam Cesare has been in the horror internet circles for some time, and what a delight to see him step into the (very violent) YA horror realm with not one, but two incredibly entertaining slashers. Danger is looming in Kettle Springs, a dying midwestern hamlet harboring growing tensions between the weary adult population and the teenagers they blame for their town's demise. In the middle of it all is Frendo, a corn syrup mascot turned murderous archer (who might just have a few friends). 

TV/Movie Pairing: 

You don't find a better setting for a massacre than a sprawling cornfield, so why not pair this one with another story that understands its appeal: Netflix's There's Someone Inside Your House. Both properties rise above so much other genre offerings because their teenage characters are treated as three-dimensional human beings. It's a perfect autumn double (or triple).

Blood Sugar by Sascha Rothchild

Every book club (I say as someone who adores book clubbing) has read a book like Blood Sugar, but very few boast such a wonderfully lovable and respectable murderous protagonist as Ruby Simon. The self-aware Type-A Miami psychologist might be an Amy Dunne-ish serial killer, but she's a GOOD serial killer, one who only targets the kind of people who hurt the world. Plus, she loves animals! She has a signature pen! She's the best!

TV/Movie Pairing: 

Between the key Type 1 Diabetes storyline and Ruby's physical description, I couldn't shake casting What Keeps You Alive's Hannah Emily Anderson as Ruby. Her Jackie is far more typical sociopath than the less outwardly violent Ruby, but there's something about that film that could operate in the same universe. Both feature terrifyingly smart, in control women who are intoxicating.  

The Last House on Needless Street by Catriona Ward

Sometimes you read a book that isn't perfect, but that immediately makes you want to seek out everything else its author has done. That's the case for Catriona Ward's strange, disturbing, and fully twisted The Last House on Needless Street. Narrated (perhaps) by a dangerous shut-in, his abused charge, her vengeance-hungry sister, and most excitedly, a beautiful green-eyed cat named Olivia, this book is incredibly dark, but also, very...heartfelt? There are dozens of surprises along the way and saying anything about the story may spoil some reveals. Know that this isn't an easy read, particularly if children in peril upsets you on the page. But it's unlike anything I've read, and it left me deeply hungry for more.

TV/Movie Pairing: 

For a lot of reasons that will be clearer when you actually read The House on Needless Street, the movie that I found myself thinking of after was Scott Derrickson's recent The Black Phone. Both do an astounding job at capturing the voices of children in danger, and both play with perspective in interesting ways. 

If I remember, we'll do this again towards the end of fall. So heed the words of another famous, less homicidal clown!

The Finnish Twinnith

 

Twins! Old houses! European folk horror!

What's not to want out of a movie with so many keywords?

Quick Plot: Rachel and Anthony have lost one of their twin boys in a car accident, leaving a whole lot of pain and better behaved Elliot behind. In the hopes of clearing the slate, the new family of three relocates to Anthony's ancestral home: a rural, isolated part of Finland that seems to have stopped progressing long before the internet (or at times, electricity).

Anthony attempts to type away on his new novel while Rachel hesitantly settles in, trying to help Elliot through the grief of missing his own other half. The only neighbor who willingly speaks English and attempts to befriend Rachel is Helen, an eccentric town exile who's either delusional or Rachel's only chance at saving her family's collective soul.

Strange things befall Rachel: Elliot's insistence that his brother is alive, nightmares where she's burying the wrong twin, photographs that suggest something demonic has possessed her son, and so on. Anthony is deep into playing the typical horror movie bad husband/dad role, rolling his eyes at his wife's claims and ignoring their remaining son because, you know, he's a bad movie dad.

Directed and co-written by Taneli Mustonen, The Twin is a handsome-looking, competently made thriller that is unfortunately wildly disappointing in its final product. The scenic Finnish setting and Teresa Palmer's performance go a long way in creating and maintaining an eerie atmosphere, but at a certain point, it becomes very clear that the substance is missing. You can only have so many dream sequences before you as a viewer give up.

Once the details become clear (particularly when the movie stops for five minutes to make sure you got them) you can see that The Twin is a mirage of a movie. All of the haunting atmosphere and hazy skies are style without substance. The film seems to be set in modern times, yet Rachel has to get film developed just to prolong the inevitable reveal that SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH HER SON. 

It's those kinds of details that, when you sit back, just feel annoying. 

High Points

The fraught and grieving mother is probably like a perfectly cooked rare steak to many actresses because it demands so much intensity and character weight. Teresa Palmer is well up to the challenge here, making Rachel a deeply troubled but more deeply devoted parent who more than holds the movie on her cardigan wrapped shoulders

Low Points

It's fair to say that at this point in time, with over a century's worth of practice, there's a better way for a major plot reveal than a five minute exposition dump

Lessons Learned

The popular pirate ship amusement ride has its origins in Finnish wedding rituals

Ladies, no matter how perfect he may otherwise be, if you anticipate a future that comes anywhere near the horror genre, never, and I mean NEVER, marry a novelist

Rent/Bury/Buy

If you adore a good European small town setting and a slow reveal, you MIGHT get some mileage out of The Twin. It's a well-made film, just, well, ultimately, not a particularly good one. Use your judgment and find it on Shudder.

I'm Really More of a Morning Apocalypse Person

Apocalypse cults are a lot less charming than they used to be than back in our days of optimism, but that doesn't mean I don't welcome movies about them!

Quick Plot: New York-based Grace is excited to finally have a possible clue into her mysterious past. Having grown up in foster care, she's never met a biological family member, but a South Carolinian private investigator may have a lead. 

After a not-on-the-way-at-all side trip to the Hamptons to meet her boyfriend Jack's family, the pair heads down south to the investigator's sprawling plantation for answers. He's not home, but by nightfall, they're far from alone: a cloak-clad death cult has assembled outside, demanding Grace fulfill her apocalyptic destiny. 

There's not much more to The Long Night. Jeff Fahey pops by for a few minutes, Debra Kara Unger for a few more. Director Rich Ragsdale establishes some grand home invasion-by-way-of-folk horror energy, but if there's one adjective to describe Mark Young and Robert Sheppe's story, it's "unambitious."

Everything basically unfolds how you would expect from reading a one-sentence synopsis and glancing at the poster. Bad cellular reception, blood drinking rituals, goat masked murderers with no discernible identity, and so on.

The only real surprise The Long Night packs is its absolute lack of surprises. I'll spoil a plot detail to illustrate (so skip the next two paragraphs if you have any interest in watching). Early on, Jack is established as a WASPy legacy brat who oozes old money snobbery. When the cultists quietly offer him a way out in exchange for Grace, we spend the next twenty minutes eagerly waiting for him to make his heel turn. It's truthfully the most suspenseful part of the movie. 

And...it doesn't pay off. Jack plays the loyal boyfriend to the end, never really showing any of the conflict of conscience we were expecting to find. Sure, it's nice (I guess?) that not EVERY well-off white guy in a horror film has to be a jerk, but ... well... it would have at least given the movie a pop. 

Instead, everything flows the way a movie about a couple being hunted by a folk doomsday cult would. Sure, the ending has neat possibilities, but not surprisingly, it seems content to merely suggest something bigger than quietly walk away. 

High Points

Scout Taylor-Compton seems to have made a successful career out of the high end of low budget horror, and The Long Night makes a good case for it. She has the perfect kind of screen presence for this kind of movie

Low Points

... and yet, even with Compton's likable performance, we don't know a single detail about Grace that gives us any insight into who she might be

Lessons Learned (The American South Edition)

Being polite is a southern thing

The Klan kills people, not cats 

They don't teach southern rituals at Princeton

Rent/Bury/Buy

Like most new acquisitions on Shudder, The Long Night is a good-looking genre film. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to have much on its agenda. You could do worse than give it your eyeballs for 100 minutes, but six months from now, you probably won't remember a thing about it. 

Miner Mayhem

If there's one thing I've learned about horror movies no one's ever heard of streaming on Amazon Prime, it's that they have a lot of axes. 

Quick Plot: Lauren, an adventure tour guide in the Utah canyons, suffers from recurring nightmares involving a ghostly prospector (like you do). Her last trip through the canyonlands left someone paralyzed, but when five millennials win some form a contest that gets them a free two-day wilderness tour, what's a gal to do?

I hate to repeat what I did very recently with The Resort, but there's no other way to break down the tourists than as such:

Influencer

Weed

Jock

Lesbian

and
Asthmatic Crypto Currency Geek

I know you think I'm being cute or simple in this summary, but trust me: this is who these characters are, and by golly, the script refuses to budge. You can feel the not-terrible actors trying to bring SOMETHING to these tropes, but there's simply no room. Lesbian hates men, Weed likes to smoke, Influencer must selfie and use the word "selfie," Ashmatic Crypto Currency Geek has an inhaler, and so on. 

One would assume that Lauren, who's introduced as an actual human being, would lend some form of depth to the proceedings but quite frankly, it's a bit hard to root for her when you realize SHE'S A REALLY TERRIBLE TOUR LEADER. Despite barely surviving her last trip through this space, she underpacks, doesn't charge the satellite phone, wanders away from the five idiots she's fully responsible for watching, and constantly forces a seriously injured man to climb DOWN ridiculously steep cliffs in total darkness rather than climb up. SHE'S THE WORST.

It's not terribly surprising when the evil nightmare prospector starts hacking away at the quickly separated band, though the reveal of exactly how he hunts (and how some are protected) has some interesting ideas to it. 

Writer/director Brendan Devane makes a valiant effort to craft a slasher that incorporates the horrors of American history into its bloodshed. It's a decent concept, and filming in the stunning Utah landscape offers a grand background that could do a whole lot of the work for it. 

But you know...it helps if we could actually see the action. 

Why anyone would make a horror film in this region and not utilize the daylight is beyond me. Sure, CGI blood splatter doesn't look GREAT in the desert sun, but you have CANYONS for goodness sake. When Lesbian and Jock argue about who can climb a treacherous cliff faster, it's hard to have any context because we can't actually see the land.

It's a shame, though not terribly shocking for any first-time filmmaker (to put it in the movie's terms, if I had an Instagram follower for every low budget horror film with bad lighting, I'd be up to 82K too). I can't say The Canyonlands shows promise of greatness, but it had some freshness to its ideas. I wasn't overly impressed, but hey: I wasn't bored. 

High Points

I can't knowledgeably comment on how the indigienous storyline is handled by The Canyonlands, but having recently watched the higher profile Antlers, I can promise you it's a whole lot more responsible than that!

Low Points

I'm serious about the lighting: even with the brightness turned up on both my television and phone screen, there were multiple scenes where the only visible section was the block for the subtitles

Lessons Learned

Octagon skills don’t translate smoothly to the canyons

Gold can drive a man to do terrible things, and a ghost to do even worse

It is very mean to brag about your successful social media presence in front of a nerd

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Canyonlands isn't a particularly good movie, but it moves quickly enough and brings some new twists on a basic wilderness slasher setup. It's not for those with high standards, but if you like lower budget genre fare, it might scratch a certain itch. 

I Axe the Questions Around Here

 

How is it possible that in 2022, a horror diehard who grew up a mile away from one of the country's best independent video stores with the largest horror selection in the state of New York can STILL discover '80s slashers for the first time? 

Humanity is an endless well of wonder. 

Quick Plot: A promising opening murder follows an ill-fated cigarette puffing nurse through a deadly car wash, where an Uncle Fester-ish masked killer chops her up before the credits can roll. We're off to a neat start!

And now, our movie. 

Meet our hero(?) Gerald, an early internet adapter and all-around jerk. Gerald lives with his grandfather? Uncle? Random old man he likes to harass? It's unclear, but we know this much: Gerald is obsessed with computers and is only mildly less horrible than his best friend Richard, an exterminator who despises his much older, much wealthier wife.

Is there anything less pleasant than hearing someone talk about how much they hate their spouse? Yes, I can think of one: watching said jerk publicly seduce a much younger woman who has no reason to be charmed by a man she knows to be married (and a jerk). 

Anyhoo, Gerald and Richard begin dating Lillian and Susan (a pair of local sisters with incredibly low standards) while our axe murderer continues his reign of terror across town. The sheriff is reluctant to take any action, hoping he can pass each death off as an accident or suicide, but by the time six female bodies have piled up in pieces, the jig is up. 

Could it be Gerald, whose prescient computer obsession and gross sandwiches screams "the boy ain't right?" Lillian's mysterious institution-confined cousin with a childhood swingset head injury? Her shifty father? The shiftier town priest? MAYBE THE INTERNET CAN HELP!

Maybe, and I won't spoil the reveal, but it's 100% the best thing about this oddball of a movie. 

Directed by José Ramón Larraz as a co-production between the US and Spain (and filmed in both countries), Edge of the Axe is, in a word, a hoot. There's a mix of decent and laughable acting (though some of that may have been equally hilarious dubbing) that makes the amateur quality kind of charming, and the recycling of sets from one home to another is something that low budget fans have no choice but to salute.

High Points

I don't know that any of it really adds up, but the big reveal is pretty grand, especially for its time. Bonus points for a killer freeze frame final shot

Low Points

Look, I know we had lower standards for our leads in '80s slashers, but there's nothing redeeming about the ones we have here: Gerald is awful, and Lillian's immediate infatuation with him makes us question her sanity well before the film does

Lessons Learned

Nothing offers the promise of a serious relationship more effectively than wearing a gray-on-gray sweatsuit on your first date

The beauty of country music ballads is that they don't have to rhyme

You know it's true love when you start dressing like your new sweetheart just a week into your courtship

Rent/Bury/Buy

Edge of the Axe is occasionally a good slasher, occasionally a pile of garbage, and entirely something that deserves any '80s horror fan's eyeballs. Have at it on Amazon Prime. 

From Orphan to Icon

Released in 2009, Jaume Collet-Serra's Orphan was a breath of fresh air in big screen horror. Torture porn's hold on the genre was slowly being replaced by mixed quality remakes and found footage, making this oddball high concept twisty thriller with A-list actors all the more strange for a theatrical hit. Best of all, it was GOOD. We mostly remember it for having one of the wackiest, most rewarding (and fine: maybe a little insensitive) twists, but even before we discover Esther's secret, Orphan is on fire.

When news rolled out that there would be a prequel with Fuhrman reprising her lead role, I was thrilled. On both a visual and storytelling level, how do you revisit this character thirteen years later (in the real world) when the point of the first film was a) she looked like a child b) she wasn't a child and c) we know where she ends up. It's a lot to juggle for an audience who knows the material, but small tidbits of behind-the-scenes intel (the heavy use of forced perspective, the casting of Julia Stiles, Fuhrman's clear glee with the character) left me with very little doubt that Orphan: First Kill would make my day.

Spoiler alert: it did. 

Quick Plot: You remember Esther, but before she made her way to the snowy suburbs of Connecticut by way of Toronto, our Estonian shortie was better known as violent mental patient Leena. All it takes is a new and naive art therapist to help Leena find her path to western freedom.

The next step is to target the right family, preferably one with a missing child, comfortable bank account, and hot patriarch. Enter the Albrights, proud descendents of Mayflower passengers with a sprawling estate and simmering WASPy tension. Dad Allen is a painter who was deeply fractured by the disappearance of Esther, while mom Tricia continued her fancy charity work and organic smoothie lifestyle while also encouraging older son Gunnar through his passionate fencing training.

Rich people, man. They're something.

Leena slips into Esther's lifestyle easily enough, quickly bonding with Allen over their shared artistic ability. But Leena (who we'll now call Esther because an icon deserves nothing less) senses something isn't quite right, especially when she clocks a private investigator grabbing some of her well-experienced fingerprints.

To say any more about Orphan: First Kill would be cruel, especially since, in an act of shockingly refreshing restraint, the marketing avoided spoiling any twists. Go into it fresh and open knowing you'll be rewarded by the best Lifetime thriller not made by Lifetime.

I mean that as the biggest compliment I have in my arsenal: Orphan: First Kill is a trashy joy (complete with a drool-worthy kitchen). It's slightly less bonkers in some aspects than its predecessor, which had my jaw dropping in the best of ways, but still manages to throw us plenty of juicy curves. Director William Brent Bell (of the underrated The Boy) has a refreshing approach to his style. So much of current horror seems to have learned the wrong lessons from Final Destination, forcing every scene of violence to unfurl slowly as if trying to land on some "Scariest Moments In Horror" listicle. Sometimes, you can just walk into a man's house and kill him as soon as his back is turned. 

If there's a flaw to First Kill (aside from its title, which we'll get back to) it's that the finale seems to be a little TOO close to its Lifetime style, cramming almost too much action into such a short amount of time without room for a proper denouement. Still, considering it honors the original's callbacks to The Good Son, my complaints are minimal.  

Everything here is working as it should. Brett Detar's score is plucky strings with a wicket attitude. Kim H. Ngo's costumes are chic when they need to be and "this girl thinks she's Shirley Temple but is actually Baby Jane" elsewhere. The makeup department and camerawork do wonders at turning 25-year-old Fuhrman into a 31-year-old-channeling-a-10-year-old. THERE'S A LOT HAPPENING FOLKS.

And all of it...well, all of it is pretty darn fun.

High Points

There's something truly wonderful about a film franchise (in the making) that embraces and celebrates women. Vera Farmiga is no easy act to follow, but Julia Stiles is perfectly cast and plays her WASPy foil grandly. And to no one's surprise, Isabelle Fuhrman crawls back into Esther's frills and ribbons with a shockingly robust performance that rightfully gives us a villain, victim, and camp queen

Low Points

When we first meet Leena, we're told she JUST RECENTLY murdered someone, and there's little doubt that it wasn't her debut. So why, goodness gracious WHY is this film subtitled First Kill? Had it been Esther's First Kill, I'd be all for it (since technically, this is Leena's rebirth as Esther) but nope. I doubt it's the fault of the (very good) screenplay, but considering writer David Coggeshall's name is on another one of the worst titled horror sequels of this century, he's an easy scapegoat. That movie? The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia

Lessons Learned

Marriage means occasionally dealing with rich pricks to show your love for your wife

If you want to stay on Julia Stiles' good side, remember this: all macaws are parrots, but not all f*cking parrots are macaws

Kale smoothies are gross, but dead mouse kale smoothies are even worse

Rent/Bury/Buy

I can't imagine that by the time this post goes live, you haven't already heard enough glowing things about Orphan: First Kill to have made you watch it, but seriously: watch it. Streaming on Paramount Plus, it's the rare horror sequel/prequel that fully understands the possibilities of the genre's camp nature and balances that with layered characters who have plenty of places to go. It's a joy.