Home Is Where the Haunting Is

We haven't had a Shortening yet without evil dolls, and damned if we're going to start now!

Dedicated readers might be curious as to why I've never before used this space to tackle this horror decade's most prominent porcelain villain. Part of may stem from the fact that Annabelle, you know, doesn't actually DO anything. 

It's kind of beautiful, and if you really want to dive deeper into just how grand a dame this toy is, I urge you to read Final Girl blogger Stacie Ponder's brilliant essay on the subject. 

Now obviously, I don't mind a doll that does nothing. Observe my complete adoration with Cathy's Curse and you'll understand that sometimes, a creepy pile of fabric with a face is enough in itself without Chucky-esque one-liners. And the truth is, I've genuinely enjoyed the first two Annabelle movies. So why not continue the journey?

Quick Plot: Beginning just a few minutes following the events of the first Annabelle, Lorraine and Ed Warren have successfully transported the titular doll to their basement of horrors. Locked behind blessed church glass, she sits back and waits.

The Warrens are called out of town to do some ghost hunting, leaving their daughter Judy (last year's Shortening queen, The Bad Seed/The Haunting of Hill House's Mckenna Grace) in the care of kind teenage babysitter Mary Ellen (Jumanji's delightful Madison Iseman). While Mary Ellen was hoping to play some board games and bake a birthday cake for the lonely Judy, her wilder best friend Daniela shows up with other plans. 

And roller skates.

I can't imagine what world we live in where a ten-year-old girl can put on shoes with wheels for the first time in her LIFE and only manage to have one fall around the block. But perhaps the PTSD from the one time I attempted to roller boogie in the 4th grade just still burns.

Anyway, Daniela is eager to explore the Warrens' collection in the hopes of finding some kind of communication line to her recently deceased father. Naturally, she ends up freeing our favorite blond in the process, along with a whole batch of demons, ghosts, and for good measure, CGI werewolves.

Making his directorial debut, Gary Dauberman (who penned all three installments) creates a very stable PG-13 haunted house feel that should come across as a far bigger compliment than it might sounds. While The Conjuring universe has had its highs and lows, the Annabelle series has, for me, been consistently enjoyable. 

Even if the doll doesn't do sh$t.

With Annabelle Comes Home (or Annabelle: Homecoming, as I've been calling it for last year), Dauberman gives us what I affectionally call slumber party horror. Stakes are raised and the cast sells the terror, but at a certain point, the comfort level of (SPOILER ALERT) knowing that your extremely likable, extremely young cast is going to be okay. 

There's a place for hard, cruel horror, and another for spooky jump scares with heart. When done well, that latter spot is a darn good time.

High Points

There was a point early on in Annabelle Comes Home where I worried we'd be following a very dumb and slightly cruel teenager, but one of the nicest things about this film is that its characters are generally nice. It's amazing how far that goes for a film

Low Points

I know there are many real-life people who have issues with the actual Warrens, but fictionally, it's hard to accept that a couple who've spent their lives dealing with supernatural horrors would be so casual as to trust a teenager and a mere deadbolt to supervise their daughter and a house full of evil objects

If you can't nail the design (particularly a CGI one) of a werewolf, think very, very hard about whether it's worth including one in your film

Lessons Learned

The law of Checkhov's inhaler never fails

There's no such thing as enticing pizza in the horror genre

The art of wooing involves rock 'n roll

Rent/Bury/Buy

Annabelle Comes Home isn't groundbreaking, but it's a solid romp that I found incredibly satisfying. As a franchise, it's taken an interesting journey in focusing on adults, children, and now teenagers. I'll be curious to see where it goes next. 

Poison For the Fairies, Nectar For Me

I have no memory of adding Carlos Enrique Taboada's Poison For the Fairies to my Netflix DVD queue, but since I'll never turn down a film whose synopsis involves evil little girls, it easily fits right in for The Shortening. 

Quick Plot: Veronica lives with her ancient grandmother and superstitious nanny. Like many a little girl growing up poor in 1960s era Mexico, she wants nothing more deeply than to become a genuine witch, a tic that makes her a little unpopular amongst her prissier fellow students. 

Enter new girl Flavia, a sweet, wealthy student who quickly becomes Veronica's best friend. Veronica convinces Flavia that she's a powerful witch, something that becomes hard to argue with after she grants Flavia's first wish.

All Flavia wanted was to stop taking piano lessons. A few drops of blood to sheet music later and her tutor is dead of a stroke. Sure, Flavia's mother says it was going to happen any day, but between that and the vivid nightmares, Flavia can't deny her new BFF's paranormal powers. 

Far less naive than her richer pal, Veronica uses her newfound reputation to take full advantage of Flavia, whether that means having her "give" Veronica some of her treasures or making Flavia accept the blame for her own nasty tricks. Flavia tries to distance herself from Veronica when a family getaway comes up, but the cunning Veronica is quick to invite herself along, especially since such a remote getaway seems like the perfect opportunity to create the titular potion.

What exactly is poison for fairies? Mostly, pretty gross stuff: toads, snake skin, tarantulas, and so on. As Veronica forces Flavia to help her assemble the ingredients, Flavia finally nears her own breaking point. 

An adorable (and ultimately safe) puppy is obviously involved.

Watching Poison For Fairies, I kept thinking to myself that here's no way this isn't a favorite of Guillermo del Toro and Issa Lopez. Much like Pan's Labyrinth and Tigers Are Not Afraid, Taboada's film plays with a fascinating balance between fairy tale and reality. It may seem obvious to an adult viewing the film that Veronica's skills are based on luck and not witchcraft, but the film is extremely smart about pulling us into Flavia's perspective to understand exactly how strong Veronica's power could be. Certain deliberate filmmaking decisions help, including never actually showing the face of an adult. The incredible performances of young Elsa Maria Gutierrez and Ana Patricia Rojo complete the effect.

More haunting than horror, I found Poison For the Fairies to be genuinely intoxicating. There's a specter of terror that hangs over the whole film, and the fact that it's centered on the innocent wide-eyed Flavia means we truly care. Veronica's Rhoda Penmark-esque savvy is juicy in an excitingly cruel way, making the girls' interactions so darn compelling. 

High Points

There is a LOT to contemplate in Poison For Fairies fitting but still shocking ending

Low Points

While Poison For the Fairies is almost perfectly paced, I could certainly have used a little more of Veronica's bloody fairy tales

Lessons Learned

Girls pray before bedtime because they're afraid

Witches can do anything, especially once they have a richer friend with a better reputation amongst teachers

All pacts with the devil have to be secret

Rent/Bury/Buy

I'm so glad that I finally sat down to watch Poison For the Fairies, but also a little ticked off that I'd never even heard of it until now. I can't stop thinking about this film, and if that's not enough for you to "long wait" to your own Netflix queue or library list, why are we friends?

Also, give me your adorable puppy or I'll put a spell on you.

Tick Tick Boom

The tick, one of nature's tiniest terrors made all the more deadly for just how small and undetectable it usually is. Does it break the covenant of The Shortening to cover a movie about a little thing made bigger? Considering the ticks of Ticks are still hand-sized and more importantly, that I'm the one making the rules, I'll say no. 

Let's do this. 

Quick Plot: A youth wilderness trip run by two not overly social workers is heading to the woods. The group includes the anxious Tyler (a gloriously young and awkward Seth Green), prissy DeeDee (Monkees' spawn Ami Dolenz), her boyfriend Rome, the sort of mute Kelly, Melissa, the chaperone's daughter, not-at-all gangster Panic (Fresh Prince's Alfonso Ribeiro), and his vicious...border collie.

All are pretty miserable, some with fairly valid reasons (when the near-mute Kelly finally speaks, she explains, "After I was raped, I just had nothing to say." The subject is never brought up again).

Elsewhere in the woods, Clint Howard is adding some steroids to his marijuana crop, unaware that some of the runoff from his production is seriously mutating the local ticks. It doesn't take long for nature's vampires to make themselves known to our ragtag campers, who quickly end up trapped in a cabin with a violent pair of sheriff-murdering locals. 

Clocking in under 90 minutes, Ticks flies by pretty quickly once the titular arachnids launch their attack. Director Tony Randel (probably best known for Hellraiser II) gets his money's worth from Doug Beswick's super gooey practical effects, lingering on long shots of pulsating tick-popping body parts and dripping wounds. I'll never speak ill of a movie that incorporates MULTIPLE bear traps, particularly when an all-out Clint Howard is the one on the wrong end. 

Ticks had an extremely brief 1993 theatrical run, but is probably remembered mostly for its VHS placement on rental shelves. As a remnant of its era, it's a pretty darn good time, and probably holds some merit as the last arach-attack flick to not use CGI. 

It's hard not to have a good time with Ticks, even if it's ultimately a fairly empty, incredibly silly ride. 

High Points

For a cheap '90s creature feature that knows exactly what it is, Ticks actually takes the rare step in treating its first major death-of-a-teenager with the kind of weight it would actually carry in the real world of, you know, a group of randomly assembled teenagers were hunted by steroid-laced ticks and one of them died

Low Points

...at the same time, when you sit back and look at the death count of Ticks, tallying up three adult criminals and one black teenager feels a little disappointing in more ways than one

Lessons Learned

True parental love means dropping your kid off with complete strangers for a wilderness weekend and trusting them enough to not even bother meeting the people in charge

When in doubt, squish

Anxiety disorders will really flare up in stressful situations, especially when they involve man-eating ticks and psychos with shotguns

Rent/Bury/Buy

Ticks is streaming on Amazon Prime, and it's a pretty fun way to kill some time when you're looking for a good batch of bloody bug-filled gore. Tuck your pants into your socks and have at it. 

Let the Shortening Begin With Some Woodsy Terror!

Check your calendar! It's the shortest month of the year (made slightly longer this time around) which means it's the TENTH annual Shortening!

For those new to the blog, The Shortening is simply a month where we celebrate horror all things little: deadly dolls, killer kids, infectious insects, you get the idea. As is often the case, bad seeds tend to dominate, so let's start this year's celebration off with the moral depravity of the American tweenager.

Quick Plot: Rachel and Kaitlyn are 11-year-old outcasts about to discover they're neighbors. Rachel has just moved to town following the separation of her parents, while Kaitlyn's overworked mother (Angela Kinsey from The Office) struggles to care for her family, including a well-meaning husband trying to manage his own (not named, but clear) schizophrenia. 

A lonely school bus ride is all it takes for Rachel and Kaitlyn to connect, much to the chagrin of Kaitlyn's best (and only) friend Emily. Where Rachel and Kaitlyn bond over dark urban legends, Emily prefers to chatter nonstop about fairies. Like all middle school female friendships, nothing lasts forever.

And, much like MANY a middle school female friendship, the deeper the bond, the more dangerous the girls.

Kaitlyn, you see, hears voices, and the more she and Rachel dig into their favorite scary story (Slender Man stand-in Suzerain) the louder they seem to get. Always a lonely child, Rachel is so thrilled to have a friend that she never notices that Kaitlyn might have other forces at work. Together, they dive deeper into Suzerain lore, convincing themselves and each other that their families have become the prime target of the murderous internet demon. The only way to save those they love is to sacrifice an innocent, and unsuspecting Emily becomes the perfect lamb. 

"Inspired by true events" is a phrase that usually makes my stomach turn or eyes roll. I tend to prefer my horror be guilt-free and imaginary, so the idea of Lifetime tackling a fairly recent, incredibly dark true crime case seemed like it would go into irresponsible waters pretty quickly. Thankfully, this is one of that small percentage of Lifetime movies that approaches its material with actual care. 

Terror In the Woods is directed by D.J. Viola, who shows excellent skill with his very strong young cast (newcomers Ella West Jerrier and Sophie Grace). The script (written by none other than Tara Maclay herself, Amber Benson) demonstrates a clear understanding of how girls of these age bond and break. There's a careful attention paid to making sure Kaitlyn and Rachel aren't just newspaper articles come to life, but real lonely young women whose friendship fed into something very, very dark. 

While Terror In the Woods doesn't cross into Emmy-worthy territory, it manages to be quite compelling as a study of confused teenagers, mental illness, and the dangers of good intentions. This isn't a Lifetime movie that aims to spawn memes. It wants to take a famous, fascinating crime and look at how the people involved came to commit it. For a network whose commercial breaks gleefully revel in next week's stepson love triangle, that's pretty impressive. 

High Points

As anyone who's heard me praising the otherwise pretty maligned #Horror knows, few things are scarier than the simultaneous thrills and dangers of preteen female friendship, and Terror In the Woods understands this both in its performances and script

Low Points

Look, this is still a "ripped from the headlines" Lifetime cash-in on a real-life tragedy, and it's not entirely easy to shake the ickiness factor. That being said, the act of violence that everyone is waiting for is handled with genuine weight and never feels exploitive

Lessons Learned

11 is a prime time for grossness

Die with a pillow on your face and you won't feel pain

Furniture store bathrooms are a superb home base for murder cleanup

Rent/Bury/Buy

I'm not saying Terror In the Woods is the 21st century Heavenly Creatures, but it's a surprisingly effective and heartbreaking dramatization of a case already documented too many times. I can't say how it compares to the pile of horror movies already made (well actually, I can at least say it's deeper than Mercy Black) but it's certainly better than the token Law & Order: SVU episode done on the same topic. It's not exactly fun, but anything tackling material like this probably shouldn't be. 

Best of the Year!

As is tradition, we celebrate the anniversary of this blog (ELEVEN YEARS DAMNIT!) by looking back at my favorite movies covered over the last year. 

Let the countdown begin!

9. Sometimes Aunt Martha Does Dreadful Things
Less a good movie and far more a weird one, SAMDDT (seriously, I can only write that title out so many times) is a bizarre crime story of sorts that has more on its mind than its cheap execution allows it to really explore. It's an odd film to end up on any "best" list, but I found it just so darn odd that I feel the need to do everything I can to get more eyes on it. Certainly a weak recommend, but when you'll understand when you finally experience the weirdness that is (deep breath) Sometimes Aunt Martha Does Dreadful Things.



8. Invaders From Mars

While not quite on par with some of the '50s more lasting science fiction like Them! or Invasion of the Body Snatchers, William Cameron Menzies' alien thriller does manage to create some uniquely artistic visuals. There's plenty of gee whiz! action, adults not believing children, secret government action, and of course, quickly costumed Martians in body suits and face paint. When you think you've seen it all before (you have before and after, in many ways), just look behind the actors to the glorious art deco set design. It's something. 

7. Scorned 

I've never been coy about my deep, deep love of extreme Lifetime thrillers. While Scorned wasn't made for that network, it was clearly inspired by the type of Angry Woman thrillers Lifetime has long wrought. The brave, goes to eleven AnnaLynne McCord plays this genre's most dangerous type of villain: a mentally ill woman off her meds and on a rampage to take vengeance on her cheating boyfriend (PLAYED BY BILLY ZANE NO LESS) and disloyal best friend. It doesn't exactly rewrite women's rights, but McCord's commitment is a thing of true beauty.

6. Ratter

Always my favorite of the Pretty Little Liars, Ashley Benson proves that, despite what countless found footage horror films would like you to believe, it is indeed possible to create an incredibly likable, relatable protagonist. In Ratter, Benson plays a pleasant young grad student who for reasons we never know, has attracted the intense fixation of an unseen obsessive hacker who's tapped into all of her devices to watch her every move. What writer/director Branden Kramer understands so well is just how cruel and invasive stalking is. We see the the light in Benson's eyes dim as she slowly comes to the realization that her life is no longer hers. I don't have any real desire to ever rewatch Ratter, but it'd be a crime not to recommend it. 

5. Blood Rage

When you've spent a good chunk of your 37 years on this planet consuming horror films, it's always an exciting day when you discover there are still over-the-top '80s slashers you haven't seen. Blood Rage is gleeful in its gory Thanksgiving bloodfest, with a prime dose of blousy alcoholics, irresponsible babysitting, and severed body parts that just don't stop moving. What's not to love? 

4. Revenge

If you're going to make a rape revenge flick, you darn well better make Coralie Fargeat's Revenge. A simple, oft-told tale told the right way, Revenge is a gorgeously shot hunt that follows a resourceful wronged woman as she takes down the men who abused her. With a horrifically sun-scorched desert setting, Fargeat's unrelenting thriller does what it needs to do with the right blend of brutality and empowerment. 

3. Ready Or Not

I've spoken to many other film fans who found Radio Silence's Ready or Not a bit too cruel, which I can fully understand and respect. That aside, Samara Weaving is a genuine treasure, and watching her face off against old money armed mostly with antiquated weapons and her extreme pluck is a delight. The glorious Nicky Guadagni adds an iconic touch as the wonderfully bitter Aunt Helene. The fact that a movie this fresh made it to theaters (and made enough money for it to be considered a small success) in itself is something worth celebrating. 

2. The Witch In the Window

I maintain my complicated love for the flawed but incredibly unsettling YellowBrickRoad, so I was eager to see one half of that film's directing team's other work. Written and directed by Andy Mitton, The Witch In the Window is an incredibly unsettling haunted house flick that does so much right in just 77 minutes. An absentee dad (YBR's wonderful Alex Draper) takes his son (a fine Charlie Tacker) on a flip job in rural Vermont only to encounter the titular ghost. Bad things happen, and while there is little you haven't quite seen before, Mitton builds tension so carefully that you'll still find your heart in your throat. The performances and smart writing make the characters people you genuinely care about, making The Witch In the Window all the more effective. 

1. The Blood of Heroes

How did this little low budget Australian post-apocalyptic thriller become one of my all-time favorite sports film? Written and directed by David Webb Peoples, The Blood of Heroes follows a scrappy team of "juggers" as they travel the wasteland in search of the big game (in this case, a variation of rugby with a dog skull and more violence). Rutger Hauer is the aging captain and retired pro, a man who's seen so much that he lost one eye doing it, while Joan Chen plays the promising rookie intent on making it big. The quick, lean storytelling is all that's needed, but Peoples weaves in some subtly modern touches of gender equality, sexual freedom, and best of all, true sportsmanship. 

Lessons Learned Yet Again

It's that time of the year! Mid-January, when the weather is crumby, the optimism surrounding our resolutions are fading, and depending on your profession, we're weeks to months away from any real days off.

Or, if you're a reader of this here blog, the annual year-in-review, starting with our roundup of some of the most important lessons learned over the last 365 days of movie reviews!

Fine Dining

Old meatloaf smells like werewolf crap -- Summer of '84

You can take coconut liqueur any darn way you like -- Blood Rage

The key to making good tacos is cover up crappy meat with tons of spices -- Scorned 

Travel & Tourism

People don't go to Vermont for the oysters -- The Witch In the Window

Always pack a comfortable, quiet pair of sneakers for whatever may come up on your honeymoon -- Ready or Not 

When visiting a wealthier friend, always try to time your visit around his impending death. If everything lines up just right, you'll get to spend the next few weeks living in his mansion rent-free -- Color of Night 

Any town with a an overabundance of mannequins is not a place to spend the night -- Happy Hunting 

Economics 101

All the money in the world can apparently only buy one shirt for painting and one bikini for daily swimming exercises -- Imaginary Friend 

Home Remedies

Horse tranquilizers are great for fighting migraines -- Ma 

In a pinch, perfume makes a decent, fragrant antiseptic -- Don't Grow Up

The way to stay alive when spending 18 hours a day mixing your liquor choices is to occasionally supplement your diet with some potassium -- Friend Request

Facial scars heal fast if they're accompanied by aggressive opera music -- Braid

Self-Defense Tips

One can never be too cautious when plotting a landing -- Targets 

Brooms and baseball bats are decent weapons for self-defense, but when you really get down to it, nothing beats a full a roll of Saran Wrap -- The Hive 

Smart women sleep in their sports bras -- Revenge

Fashion Through the Ages

1950s suburban moms slept in heavier makeup than 2019 Hallmark Christmas movie leads -- Invaders From Mars 

Bangs were the big trend of the mid-1800s -- Candyman 3: Day of the Dead

Supernatural snake women shed their skin in one clean body suit -- The Snake Woman 

Silk is real, and it is fabulous -- Blood of Heroes  

In the future, global warming will make weather so confusing that you'll need a winter hat and an open chest hoodie -- Death Race: Beyond Anarchy

Friendship Is Magic

Never remain friends with a group of young white people who decide to film themselves, not because you'll almost inevitably die in a blur, your last words being, "What the f*ck," but more because if two decades of found footage horror has taught me anything, it's that young white people who enjoy filming themselves are almost certainly an awful combination of bland and rude -- Hell House LLC

The power of besties involves being able to provide quick synonyms on call -- Truth Or Dare 

Hair & Makeup

The shorter your haircut, the longer your makeup will stay on your face -- Finders Keepers

Quaaludes are murder on the skin -- Hell Night 

Psychiatric hospitals are a wonderful training resource for shaping your eyebrows -- Mercy Black 

Dating Advice

The best way to stay under the radar when ordering drinks for your underage boyfriend is to flag the waiter from across the room to shout for two more alcoholic beverages, even though you've just taken a single sip from your first -- Fatal Fashion 

Nothing turns a woman on more than man's ability to make netting out of tree fiber -- Eden 

Some women find childlike men attractive -- Sometimes Aunt Martha Does Dreadful Things

Gun Safety

Really, I think this can all be summed up with one pretty handy suggestion: maybe don't go hunting with powerful firearms when you're still rather drunk? -- Calibre 

Never bring a rifle to a bird fight -- Kaw 

Self-proclaimed world's best damned personal assistants have a unique set of skills, including excellent shotgun aim 

Arachnia 

Mythology Uncovered

Contrary to popular cultural portrayals, trolls actually resemble burn victims with tiny Trump hands -- Charlotte 

Modern Hobbies

Horror-themed scavenger weekends operated under most of the same rules as your average strip club -- Ruin Me 

Crime Solving For Dummies

When hiding evidence, consider a place slightly less exposed than the living room shelf

-- Whispers in the Dark 

One can never have too many candles or flashlights on hand to fight off an evil bullied spirit, even if the lights are working just fine -- Can't Take It Back 

When sneaking around in a remote cabin where the owner is confirmed as being out of the way, always remember to bring a good flashlight because under no conditions would you turn a light on in a remote cabin when the whole reason you're there is because no on else is near -- The Shortcut 

The only thing less effective in solving crime than the NYC police department is Stephen Rea in a cameo -- Greta 

When questioning an old acquaintance about brutal murder, it's best to do so over a glass of champagne -- Staged Killer

Technology Through the Ages

Antivirus software remains as ineffective in 2016 as it was in the '90s -- Ratter 

The Young Adult

Youngest siblings have far better facial memory recognition than the eldests -- Deviant Love 

Girls don't grow chest hair, but they do get lumps (providing they learn how to stop talking at the breakfast table) -- The Lift 

Really talented deaf teenagers don't even need to face you to read your lips -- The Silence

Know Thy Style

You know you've found your villain when his vanity license plate reads "FERRARI" -- The Furies

Know Thyself

No-good bohemians make terrible decisions in the middle of the night -- The Gorgon

Morgue Fun

Unlike their American male counterparts, female Spanish morticians trade sandwiches for shameless flirting -- Open Graves 

Nothing makes a dieting detective hungrier than a visit to the morgue -- In Darkness

In no world is it a good idea to try to induce a jump scare from the new employee who gets to spend midnight-to-7 all alone in a basement filled with dead bodies -- The Possession of Hannah Grace 

How To Not Teach a Lesson

If you're trying to send a fervent anti-abortion message with your movie, maybe don't end it with a soundtrack that incorporates obnoxiously screaming babies -- The Unborn Child 

Now that you're fully prepared for whatever life (or in some cases, the afterlife) throws your way, come back next week when we look at my favorite films covered here in 2019!