(Don't) Feed the Birds

You know what's fairly short, at least in terms of human measurements? A bird. Yes, they immediately fly higher than most of our heads, but you know...9 years of Shortenings means I sometimes have to reach (PUN!).

Quick Plot: Small town sheriff Wayne has one last day on the job before he moves to the big city with his scholarly wife for her research work. Naturally, no good cop can retire without experiencing a raging birdemic.

This one comes courtesy of some shifty Mennonite farmers and their overprotective ways. When mad cow corpses get pecked by a gaggle of ravens, chaos reigns faster than you can clear your throat for a proper Hitchcock impression.

Directed by Sheldon Wilson, Kaw is essentially exactly what you want from a Birds-inspired cheapie, right on down to casting good sport Rod Taylor as the kindly town doctor. Canadian treasure Stephen McHattie lends some quality as the town drunk, and the better-than-it-should-be combination of CGI and a few well-trained avian actors makes it clear that we're not playing in Asylum Studios territory.

Still, Kaw doesn't seem to have the resources or ambitions to overcome its baby budget, leaving it as a pleasant enough SyFy Channel bit of entertainment.

High Points
Maybe it's just the recent influx of anything bird-related coupled with the film's obvious low budget, but all in all, Kaw is surprisingly smart about its bird graphics, cleverly blending real birdings with bargain (but passable) CGI 

Low Points
Rod Taylor aside, it's a shame that there isn't more spark to the townspeople, though credit should be given to the fact that a few stray teenagers manage to make it out with personality

Lessons Learned
Never bring a rifle to a bird fight
Mennonites have very bad hearing (and even worse cattle-raising instincts)

Rent/Bury/Buy

Kaw should be a breezy stream, but unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be readily available. I watched it via a "long wait" Netlix DVD queue disk, the benefit of which is that I had a chance to jump into the extras: an affectionate making-of short and a lovely interview between director Wilson and the classy pro Rod Taylor. 

It's still not exactly a movie worth owning, but if you come across a bargain copy, it should satisfy your itch for a bunch of impressively trained raven thespians plucking the life out of a few good-spirited Canadian actors. 

I Don't Want to Be Unborn!

In the small but fierce subgenre that is anti-choice horror, emotions tend to run high...and quality often low.

Quick Plot: Journalist Trai and his teacher wife Phim grow concerned as their young daughter, Yaimai, begins an unhealthy relationship with an imaginary friend she refers to as “Little One.” Little One seems ominous, luring Yaimai into dangerous situations centered around a mysterious temple and its outdoor mortuary lockers.

Nearby, the temple’s caretaker has his own dark secret: he subsidizes his low wages with a cash bonus he gets for regularly disposing of an illegal abortionist’s trash. Somewhere in the pile of 2002 fetuses, an angry spirit has been born, and it won’t stop until it punishes anyone responsible for its lonely fate.

Directed by Poj Amon and “based on a true story” (presumably about the chain-smoking abortionist, and not the haunted toy that signals a ghost fetus), The Unborn Child is a blatantly pro-life bit of propaganda disguised (for a while) as a horror movie. Honestly, this pro-choice blogger isn't offended by the film's ridiculous politics. The problem with The Unborn Child is that it's boring.

Granted, it's hard to even come close to being nearly as memorable as the tentpole for terrible anti-choice horror, 2011's Unborn Sins. I'm still somewhat convinced that those 80 minutes were nothing more than a fever dream induced by me topping a quesadilla with expired sour cream.

Anyway, The Unborn Child does not involve nearly as much dancing or a line as special as "the spirit of my child turned into a midget freak with homicidal tendencies" (actual dialog from Unborn Sins), but yes, it's technically a better-made movie than aforementioned dairy fantasy. At the same time, if I had to live in a world with only one bad-to-mediocre horror movie about a vengeful fetus ghost, the choice is obvious.

High Points
While the payoff is disappointing, there are certainly strong individual moments of tension and buildup that show Amon to have some strong instincts with the genre

Low Points
There are a LOT of things I can complain about in The Unborn Child so picking one isn't easy, but let's land on the fact that a big, boggling reveal towards the end regarding a main character's real persona demonstrates just how little character development this movie tried to have

Lessons Learned
Much like Hallmark Christmas movie heroines, Thai women go to bed in full makeup and beautifully flattering nightwear

If you're trying to send a fervent anti-abortion message with your movie, maybe don't end it with a soundtrack that incorporates obnoxiously screaming babies

Rent/Bury/Buy
The Unborn Child isn't a terrible movie, but it's messy and dull, and its preaching politics certainly don't help. Still curious? It's on Netflix, which is easier to access than the depths of my fantasies that dreamed up Unborn Sins.

Charlotte's Web

As I've said before, Amazon Prime is a wild minefield when it comes to horror. Its newer indie output is usually less than stellar, but after the joy of Crush the Skull, I've been more and more willing to take a chance on its recommendations. Since nine years of The Shortening has made it harder and harder to find anything featuring killers under 4', to the trenches we go!

Quick Plot: A teenage babysitter has just put her charge to bed and decides to kill the rest of her time on duty watching Night of the Living Dead (shout out to public domain!) and chatting with her horny boyfriend. Unfortunately for her, the creepy doll hanging out in the living room has other plans.

Before you can say "I guess the doll's name is Charlotte because that's what the film's cover art implied even though it's never mentioned in the rest of the movie and Charlotte is the name of a character in one story only", Charlotte (yes, I'm now calling the doll Charlotte for convenience) has the young woman bound and gagged. Her punishment? Being forced to watch a collection of horror shorts.

I realize most of what I've said thus far in this review sounds negative, but to my shock, I kind of enjoyed Charlotte. Like every anthology not named Creepshow, the segments vary wildly in quality, but for what I have to assume was a next-to-nothing budget, the overall product worked far better than expected.

Unfortunately, IMDB lists just about nothing about this film other than the names of the multiple directors (Colin Campbell, John Edward Lee, Calvin Main, Corey Norman, Patrick Rea, and April Wright). Hence, expect little and inaccurate detail as I sum up the stories:

1- My favorite of the bunch, a tale of jealous twin sisters whose rivalry over a doll as children festers into something far more sinister as petty adults. Fun, quick, and clever in its twists.

2- A fairly straightforward, but decently told story about a couple who receive a strange grown woman dressed as a doll as a trick or treater, and the hell that follows.

3- Another babysitter-with-a-boyfriend story. In this case, a young woman teases a little boy with tales of a foot-eating troll, only to meet the monster herself.

4- A strange, rather payoff-less quickie about a man embarking on a demonic sacrifice. Fingers are eaten. That is that.

5- The strongest in the bunch, a light-hearted dark comedy about persistent Girl Scouts--er, "Adventure Girls"-- and their nefarious cookie plans.

6- A wildly different tale in terms of tone, this follows a woman waking up in a basement out of Jigsaw's design guide to find a pedophile murderer tied up at her disposal. It involves a lot of shouting and I kind of hated it.

7- Starring one of the women who didn't win season 1 of VH1's Scream Queens (SIDE NOTE! REMEMBER THAT JAMES GUNN AND SHAWNEE SMITH ONCE HOSTED A REALITY COMPETITION TO PICK SOMEONE TO DIE IN SAW VI???), this story follows a lonely little girl who mysteriously receives a doll who, you might guess, has bad things in mind for the woman who didn't win Scream Queens (Sarah Agor).

8- The final segment centers on a savvy kid who wants to sneak into a horror marathon at a mysterious, meat-filled theater. With a fun and playful twist, it's the right note to end on.

What can you say about eight unrelated short films loosely tied together? That Charlotte works on any level is something of an achievement. None of the segments succeed as actual scary horror tales, but all are quick, and for the most part, offer something mildly new. Considering the dregs of anthology segments I've sat through, that's impressive.

Lessons Learned
Contrary to popular cultural portrayals, trolls actually resemble burn victims with tiny Trump hands

Suburban walls are incredibly soundproof

Evil dolls are terrible influences on young girls, especially in how they make them worry about gluten

Every babysitter will try to have sex while on duty

Rent/Bury/Buy
There are better horror anthologies out there, but as we've seen time and time again, there are a whole lot worse too. Charlotte is a wild mixed bag, but the worst segments go by quickly and the best have some neat fun. It's worth a casual watch, especially compared to some of its Amazon Prime competition.

Losers Weepers

It's here! A whole month of posts about vertically challenged villains, forever known as The Shortening. Evil dolls, terrible children, biting insects, Tom Cruises...whatever is small and deadly, we'll tackle it here.

Onward!

Quick Plot: Newly separated Alyson moves her bratty daughter Claire into a bargain home with your typical murdery history. Just a year or so earlier, a young boy killed his parents before ending up in the local asylum. When Claire discovers a ratty doll under a floorboard, it's not long before she begins heading down the same path.

First on her hit list: neighbor Marina Sirtis's cat. 

I'm not going to lie about my bias: when your first victim is feline, I'm not going to be on your victim/villain's side.

Perhaps the hardest hurdle to get over in Finders Keepers is just why anyone should care about Claire's possession-by-doll. Sure, the kid doesn't have the greatest parental role models (we're talking Jaime Pressly and the king of Christmas movies himself, Patrick Muldoon), but it doesn't really excuse the fact that she's a miserable thing from the start. 

At least the doll has a neat look.

Directed by Alexander Yellen (whose career primarily involves cinematography on Asylum Studio films), Finders Keepers feels aggressively mediocre, even with (or maybe, because) it contains a fairly star-studded cast for this caliber of film. Deanna Troy purrs through a thankless cat lady part, Tobin "Jigsaw" Bell gets to give terrible psychiatric advice, and poor Justina Machado has her eyes poked out and body set on fire. 

And the brat keeps going.

High Points

There's a stupid slow motion doll toss that made me unreasonably happy, which tells you how much I was reaching for entertainment in this movie

Low Points

Did I mention how much I hated this kid?

Lessons Learned

I know this sounds crazy, but here me out: in the words of trained professionals, separation and divorce can be hard for a child

Never mess with a strange kid's ugly doll

The shorter your haircut, the longer your makeup will stay on your face

Rent/Bury/Buy

Eh. This wasn't the high note I was hoping to open The Shortening on, but it does manage to give us BOTH an evil child AND doll, so I guess it gets some kind of half nod. I got this as a long wait on my Netflix disc queue, which felt even less rewarding than I would have liked. 

The 9th Annual Shortening Begins!

Another year, another February, another annual celebration of

THE SHORTENING!

For those new to the Doll's House, all that really means is that this month is devoted to all things tiny, be they ...


Dolls!



Insects!



Brats! with Dolls!



Fetuses! 



As always, other bloggers are welcomed and encouraged to participate. If you cover anything during the month of February that fits the bill, link this here site, and I'll do the same with a special roundup. Just shoot me an email at deadlydollshouse at gmail (you know what I mean) or add it to the comments. 

Best of the Year: YEAR 10

Another year has passed here at the Doll's House, and tradition dictates that I spend it celebrating my favorite films covered here over the last round of the Acatemy Awards wall calendar.

What, you don't know about the best wall calendar to ever be bestowed amongst lowly human kind? You're welcome for making your world better...purrrfect, even.

Anyway, here it is:

11. Savage Streets

onfused for a good movie, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a blast of ‘80s cheese, served up via bear traps and a leather jumpsuit by none other than a perfectly permed Linda Blair. Yes, it’s problematic, and yes, it doesn’t always make sense, but when you’ve got as stylish, sassy Blair shooting a crossbow at rapist bullies, what more do you really want?

10. Bad Match

At 36, I’m someone who falls just between the cracks of millennial and Generation X (which makes me what I like to call a Generation MilleXial). As a result, it’s a weird, weird experience to recognize the tics of a generation that is absolutely not mine. Bad Match plays like a more accomplished Lifetime original in its storyline (boy meets girl on hookup app, girl becomes obsessed with boy, boy’s life goes haywire, violence ensues) but feels so specific to the younger generation that I found it weirdly fascinating. It helps that lead actress Lili Simmons (also great in Bone Tomahawk and The Purge TV series) gives a genuinely interesting performance as a young woman who might not quite be what she appears to our (anti-) protagonist. Bad Match is hardly a new classic, but it’s a quick, focused little thriller that does its job well.

9. Creep 2

Mark Duplass returns to bring his uncomfortable energy to a new victim but this time, he’s found a far more interesting match. As a documentary filmmaker named Sara, real-life independent filmmaker Desiree Akhavan makes for a fascinating friend/foe to our complicated serial killer. Creep 2 unfortunately botches its ending, but for the first 78 minutes, it’s a quietly chilling ride well worth your time. 

8. I Drink Your Blood

Imagine George Romero’s The Crazies with even more crazy, and you come fairly close to David E. Durston’s gonzo gore-fest. When a gang of satan-worshipping hippies brings their LSD-infused violence upon a small town, a local boy decides to wreak his vengeance by poisoning their meat pies with rabies. Things go about as well as you’d expect, complete with an angry jazz score and ridiculously clean beheadings. A fun time for all!

7. Summer of Fear

There are few things greater than whatever the hell is living on Linda Blair’s head in this made-for-TV (BY WES CRAVEN) chiller. As a plucky farm girl whose happy existence is being destroyed by her mysterious cousin, Blair is almost as lovable as her gigantic curls. The movie is far from good or scary, but it’s so loaded with Blair (and for some added fun, Days of Our Lives’ MacDonald Carey and a baby Fran Drescher) that it sure is entertaining. 

6. The Sand

On a personal note, this summer was not easy. Some family health issues hit hard and in a terrifying way, far scarier than anything in the movies on this list…especially the low budget, CGI-fueled The Sand. But you know what? When life is hard and the temperature high, sometimes the goofy horror fan in me wants nothing more ambitious than a gore-filled under-80 minute horror flick about, you got it, killer sand. The Sand is fast and dumb, and it gave me pure giddy enjoyment when I needed it most. I can’t imagine it made many—or any—best-of lists, but this movie was everything I wanted with the added bonus of, you know, killer sand. 

5. The Strangers: Prey At Night

I didn’t expect much from a rather randomly timed sequel to 2008’s The Strangers, particularly since I was underwhelmed by director Johannes Robert’ 47 Meters Down. What a pleasant surprise it was to have Prey At Night bring such pronounced style to its rather simple home (or in this case, trailer park) invasion. There’s some efficient storytelling in laying out our protagonists’ family woes, but the movie wastes no time in sending in our memorable trio of masked sadists. Smart production design and photography goes a long way in imprinting the film with its own unique cinematic language. 

4. Proxy

I liked Proxy so much that within two weeks of seeing it, I rewatched it to talk more about it on my podcast. Director Zack Parker had wowed me a few years earlier with Scalene, and Proxy shares a similar DNA mixed with ambiguous morality. To say almost anything about the plot is a spoiler, so take that as your marching orders to head to Hulu and give it a watch. It won’t make you feel great about the world, but it will feel like a worthy challenge.

3. The Girl With All the Gifts

You know zombies have reached new levels of acceptance when Glen Close shows up. Adapting his own (very good) novel, screenwriter Mike Carey and director Colm McCarthy’s The Girl With All the Gifts brings a fresh take on the fairly tired genre with a new mythology and more importantly, a whole lot of heart. As the titular character, Sennia Nanua gives an incredibly charming performance that pulls you deep into a story you’ve seen told time and time again. With actors like Close and Gemma Arterton Pertwee rounding the cast, TGWAtG was certainly on a higher playing field than your typical straight-to-streaming undead flick, but the entire film rises with its parts to be smart, scary, and oddly moving. 

2. Steel and Lace

Rape revenge is so much more satisfying when served by a shape-shifting robot. Steel and Lace is a gloriously bonkers tale of vengeance dished by a sexy blond can shred, decapitate, and shoot lasers at those who wronged her creator’s departed sister. Director Ernest Farino is my new hero, and Amazon Prime, my new eden.

1. Crush the Skull

Fueled by Kickstarter, Viet Ngyuyen’s Crush the Skull is the perfect example of how heart and enthusiasm can more than compensate for a lack of funds. This horror comedy treads no new ground, but its game (and refreshingly diverse) cast demonstrates such smart and unique comic timing that you won’t even care that you’ve seen the story told dozens of times with more blood and budget. Yes, it gets bonus points for hitting many of my personal sweet spots (kind protagonists, a Step Up 2 reference) but that shouldn’t take away from the fact that this is indeed something special.