Thursday, February 12, 2015

The Youth of Amer--er, England


Let's start with the obvious: Eden Lake is not Eden Log.



However, because they sounded the same and word on the Internet Super Highway was that one was good and one was not, I, being someone unable to tell similar things apart (don't even try to tell me the difference between Grimm and Once Upon a Time or Chicago Hope and ER; I refuse to care), never wanted to risk watching the one that was not good. There are enough well-enough-regarded horror films out there in the world that I can surrender one without trying.

Well, upon a little random internet investigation (aka, I read something somewhere and forgot where so I can't give credit where it might have been due), I learned that Eden LAKE (not Log) happens to involve violent teenagers. Teenagers CAN be grouped in the 'darned kids' category that I forever celebrate, particularly in this snow-covered month party of vertically challenged villains. 


So I figured, why not take a dip?


One more thing!

To add to the confusion, Eden LOG is directed by a man named Frank Vestiel, whose credits include being the assistand director on the French film Ils (aka Them), which just so happens to also be about punk kids tormenting a couple. Eden Lake, which is ABOUT punk kids tormenting a couple, is directed by James Watkins of The Woman In Black 


(which is not at all about punk kids tormenting a couple, but does have a lot of monkey dolls)




Got that?

Quick Plot: Steve (long-torsoed darling Michael Fassbender) is whisking his girlfriend Kelly away for a weekend with the aim of proposing. He's expecting to take her to the titular Eden Lake region for a peaceful swim and quaint pub dinners at warm bed and breakfasts. 


Instead, they find rude bartenders, thin motel walls, bad parking, and worst of all, lots of teenagers.


Here's the thing: teenagers are terrifying creatures. 


Not all of them. I'm sure there are plenty of ninth graders who would happily help an elderly lady cross the street without picking her pocket. Individual teenagers are typically just fine. But take that nice, non-pocket-picking fifteen-year-old and stick him with five of his peers, let's say just TWO of whom WOULD pick that pocket, and I guarantee he'll be emptying her savings account and eating every last one of her hard candies while throwing the wrappers on her floor. 


Peer pressure, man. 

Before you can start smoking like the cool kids, Steve and Jenny have caught the shifty eyes of a gaggle of bratty teens and their barking rottweiler. Ever the alpha male, Steve just can't seem to walk away from their antics, leading to slashed tires, stolen bags, stabbed dogs, and, you know, being hunted and tortured.


Looks like Steve should have gone the old fashioned route and just proposed via jumbo-tron, where nothing can possibly go wrong.

Eden Lake is a well-made and effective horror film, though not necessarily that special of one. Similar in both style and quality to the remake of The Last House On the Left, it gives us an easily identifiable situation laden with the kind of small choices that lead to an amped up cat-and-mouse hunt covered in blood, flames, and, well, poop.

This IS the same man who wrote The Descent 2: The Poopening, after all.

Made right in the midst of the early 21st century torture boom, Eden Lake doesn't shy away from its horrors, nor does it exploit them where unnecessary. We see the effects of violence more than the acts itself, and since the tools used all have some wear themselves (rusted barbed wire, all-purpose box cutters), that's horrifying enough. Yes, terrible things happen, but director Watkins is wise in where and when he chooses to pull the camera away, focusing more on a safe character's reactions to a boy screaming than the brutal act that kills him.

This isn't a 'light' film by any means: terrible things happen to the young and old, guilty and innocent. There's certainly a heavy dose of nihilism that may sour or enhance the experience, viewer taste dependent. The fact that Watkins followed this outing up with the very strong, very different The Woman In Black makes me even more intrigued to see how he'll develop in the genre.


High Points
Apparently, Eden Lake drew some criticism for being perceived as 'classist' in showing the lower working class as villains relishing in the torture of yuppies. I don't think that's its intent in any way, though I did feel one of the film's subtle strengths is how it suggests a sort of generational culture of abuse. It's not that the English poor are prone to violence, but that the parents (who we casually meet at different moments in the film) continue the cycle of either punishing their kids too harshly (as noted when we see a mother slap her young son in public at a restaurant) or ignoring the weight of their misbehavior (as the waitress brushes off Steve's comment with defensiveness rather than concern). Eden Lake isn't trying to provide answers as to how to stop this kind of attitude, but it poses the questions in a careful way.


Low Points
For the most part, Jenny and Steve don't make the kind of annoyingly dumb moves designed to make viewers roll their eyes, but occasionally, we're still forced to let out annoyed sighs (i.e., when wondering what one character did all night to remedy the situation)


Lessons Learned
Don't wear gold tops if you're planning on spilling blood on them



Never talk smack about a small town's youth to a local waitress. With the platter comes the power, as I always say between pointed thank yous and pleases


Arya Stark is a badass; a fifteen-year-old British teenager in modern times with an uncanny resemblance to Arya Stark is less badass, but far more terrifying


Rent/Bury/Buy
As far as modern horror goes, Eden Lake is good, if unexceptional. Ils (assistant directed by the guy who made Eden Log, not Eden Lake; did I mention how confusing that is?) is, in my opinion, a more unique telling of a similar story, but those who appreciate sharp modern horror, Michael Fassbender in pain, or the potential terror of a group of adolescents will certainly find something worthwhile in this one.

Monday, February 9, 2015

A Doll Party Is the Least of Your Worries


Dark Touch has the kind of typical cover art that runs rampant on the horror section of Netflix Instant. Based on that, I wasn't expecting much.

It's nice to be surprised. 

Quick Plot: Niamh (pronounced 'Neav', as if THAT makes sense Ireland) is a quiet and seemingly awkward young girl living in a small Irish countryside village. One night, she runs from her house screaming with a sliced tongue, taking refuge of sorts in her neighbors, the Galins. Whatever caused such a stir remains unexplained as her upper class, distant parents dismiss it.


A few nights later, Niamh awakens to find her baby brother crying on the hallway floor. Wealthy, distant parents are quick to blame Niamh before being taken out by all manners of evil housewares. Chandeliers rain, desks attack, and like a darker memory of Tourist Trap's prologue, Niamh's folks are brutally slaughtered by mere household furniture.

Neighbor Nat is quick to take in Niamh, but as anyone who's seen Orphan, Stevie, Case 39, or pretty much any genre film involving adoption ever knows, foster care is tricky business. Shy and withdrawn, Niamh has a hard time fitting in at school. At home, she never seems able to settle, flinching any time Nat or her husband come near or make an attempt to touch her. 


Clearly, Niamh has some demons. What makes Dark Touch such a fascinating little horror film is how it demonstrates their presence without outright explaining, well, pretty much anything. Nobody ever really comes out and asks Niamh what's wrong and if they had, Niamh probably couldn't put it into words.


Directed by Marina de Van (best known for In My Skin and Don’t Look Back), Dark Touch is a far deeper film than what its premise and cover art suggest. Sure, the Carrie telekinesis feels a little typical at first, but as the film circles Niamh’s discomfort with the world around her, it’s striking to realize that Dark Touch never has to tell you what’s actually going on. It doesn’t have to: we know what we need from the horror that constantly pains Niamh’s face. Everything else is just collateral damage.


High Points
The strength of Dark Touch really does lie in what it buries so slightly under the surface. It’s quite a feat for a brief and still genuinely scary little horror film

Low Points
Throughout the film, Niamh continues to run into a pair of abused siblings who at first seem like ghosts. There's a clear connection running through the trio, but much like the recent Jug Face, it's probably the one major area of Dark Touch that felt a little too cheap horror movie

Lessons Learned
Inviting every guest to bring a doll to an eight-year-old’s birthday party is really just asking for trouble



Children don’t always realize how violent they can be

Well-intentioned foster parents don't always realize how violent children can be


Rent/Bury/Buy
Dark Touch is an oddly effective film that doesn't quite reveal itself until the credits have rolled. I found myself slightly frustrated while watching  in trying to figure out what I was missing, but once it was over and I gave it a little more thought, everything became perfectly clear. This is a story about child abuse, how it gives birth to something so confused and angry, so potentially powerful and so easy to misunderstand. It's not an easy watch, but as far as modern horror gores, it's incredibly disturbing.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

The Rats Shall Inherit The Earth


The only thing that improves an apocalypse is its ability to be included in February’s Attack of the Shorties. When you add to that intense ‘80s motorcycle style, adorable rodents, and the kind of hijinks that include a flour fight.

Quick Plot: In 2015 (you know, NOW), the "insensitivity of man finally triumphs" (actual line) and the world becomes a nuclear party. Two hundred years later, the new society slowly emerge from their underground shelters to explore the world their ancestors left behind.

Thankfully, among the survivors is a LOT of punk hair dye, fringed boots, and headbands.


Sporting those sexy looks is a group of grumpy bikers with kickass names like Chocolate, Video, and Taurus. In searching for a new home, they come across an abandoned warehouse of sorts now littered with red eyed little rats. 


Also, flour. Which naturally calls for dancing.

(It is rather shocking how many pictures like this show up when you Google Image Search 'flour dance')
Before you can say Willard, our furry little monsters are gnawing, raining, and spontaneously combusting from the innards of our dubbed Italians.


It is glorious.

Directed by '80s trash maestro Bruno Mattei, Rats: Nights of Terror, is sort of the perfect movie for someone named Emily Intravia. It’s pure genre cheese aided by fashion that seems almost criminally wonderful. Observe!


Also, there are killer rats. Nuclear-infused killer rats. Granted, their method of murder is more ‘sit back and wait for the camera to keep showing that shot of a whole bunch of us crawling around, cut with shots of a blond screaming’ or ‘get gathered by some unlucky production assistant then dropped on an actor.’


But you know what: those kinds of tricks work for someone like me. 

You know what else works? Naming a character Lucifer. I say this not JUST because Rats: Nights of Terror has one, but just think of at least two previously reviewed films that do: 

That’s right, the leather-clad badass in the greatest film no one ever thinks they should see, Gangland


And Viggo Mortenson threatening to feed Virginia Madsen her mother’s feces (in a sexy way, of course) in The Prophecy.


My point is: Rats: Nights of Terror is filled with A LOT of things seemingly designed to make me feel joy. Life, my friends, is a grand place to be.

High Points
Remember how Phenomena had what I once dubbed the most adorable final shot in genre history?


It totally just lost that medal to something wayyyyyy cuter.  

Low Points
Perhaps there’s a negative or two to be found in some of the characters’ logic, but since their decisions ultimately culminate in spontaneous combustion, I really have no cause to complain


Lessons Learned
Real infallible leaders know that bike safety is a top priority 


Cook a rat in a little vinegar and it's just fine


Shocking but true: when holed up in a warehouse surrounded by man-eating genetically mutated rats, avoid sticking your head out the window

You’ll probably never find a video game in the post-apocalypse, even if your name happens to be Video


Diseases rats can give you include meningitis, tuberculosis, and the plague


Rent/Bury/Buy
There's really no good reason I can think of to NOT seek out Rats: Nights of Terror. The film is available as a disc rental from Netflix and can be found alone or double billed with Hell of the Living Dead via a Blue Underground Blu Ray. I can only imagine what spontaneous ratbustion looks like in high definition. Well, I mean I can only imagine right now. Give me two days for that Amazon order to arrive and my life will be about as complete as it can.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

The 5th Annual Shortening Begins!


Cats!


Rats!


Bees!


& much, much more, all under a 5'2 height.

For those new to these parts, February at the Doll's House is a period of celebrating all that is vertically challenged. From deadly kids to deadlier kittens, this shortened month is all about shortness. The usual suspects will include a wayward doll and insect swarm, plus a few more goodies to surprise you.


More importantly, if you--yes, YOU--have a blog and appreciation of the small, feel free to join in. Here's how:

1- Write about a movie/show/book/snowglobe or whatever that features an undersized villain


2- Include a link to this here Doll's House explaining you're participating


3- Email me your link (send to deadlydollshouse at gmail dot com) and I'll share it with glee


That's that! Now if you'll excuse me, I have some pants to hem.