Back In Black, In More Ways Than One

As a wise man once said (he being Miles of the incredible why-aren't-you-listensing ShowShow podcast), every horror anthology should have a story involving a killer doll. You probably wouldn’t be surprised to learn that I heartily agree with such a statement.

Yet somehow, it has taken a Month of the Vertically Challenged Villains! to finally make me queue up 1975’s infamous Karen Black Karen Black Karen Black Karen Black & a Killer Warrior Doll headlined Trilogy of Terror. 

I know. Sometimes I truly am a disgust to the human race.

Quick Plot: Without the guidance of any narration or frame, we jump right into story one, “Julie.” The titular character is a mousy literature professor played by Karen Black. An arrogant student inexplicably develops an intense crush/obsession with her, going so far as to take Julie on a drive-in date, drug her root beer, and shoot a few suggestive photos of her naked (and possibly raped) body. Like any enterprising university kid, he then blackmails her into sexual slavery until--

Oh right. It’s an anthology, so there has to be a twist. And the rules of anthology-loving movie writers dictates we’re not allowed to reveal it, even if--like the next two tales--you can pretty much guess it two minutes in. Still, the story is sufficiently sleazy and neat enough for 20 minutes of your time. 

Onto #2, “Millicent & Therese,” a slightly more gothic tale in which Black comes back to play both main ladies. Millicent is a pale-faced spinster whose lack of lipstick is alarming. Her hated sister, Therese (not surprisingly, Black again) sports an awful blond wig that makes Janice the Muppet look natural. After their father’s death, the ladies compete for the attention of a friendly doctor, notable mostly because he’s played by Punky Brewster’s guardian.

Well, the plot’s a little more complicated than that but...eh. It’s still 20 minutes of buildup to the main attraction, so let’s just move on.

Part 3. “Amelia.” A mama’s girl of a grown woman (Karen Black with reddish hair) buys a Zuni fetish doll for her fellow’s birthday. That always works out well. 

Yup, the little ugly dude wakes up in a royally pissed mood and spends the next 10 minutes adorably hunting her with a kitchen knife and crooked set of teeth. It’s hilarious. And kind of cute.

And fine, had I seen this as a child, I can almost guarantee that Mr. Tiny would’ve found a comfortable place in my nightmares, trading stabbing techniques with Chucky, putting the moves on Dolly Dearest, and spending the rest of his free time trying to kill me.

I was a pretty huge fan of director Dan Curtis’ Burnt Offerings, an offbeat haunted house (of sorts) story that also starred Karen Black. Trilogy of Terror doesn’t come close to creating that unique eeriness, but it does feature one of the most memorable killer doll sequences ever put to grainy ‘70s film. So there’s that.

High Points

Karen Black doesn’t reach Miranda Richardson in Spider levels of diversity, but she does have plenty of fun playing four very different women. In particular, she holds the third tale together quite well, creating a fully fleshed out woman without the aid of a single other actor

Low Points

Though the acting is fine and pacing fairly brisk, the first two stories are so rather meh, especially once you get to the all-out camp/horror that is Amelia

Lesson Learned

Every creep has access to a darkroom

Zuni fetish dolls are not known for waking up on the right side of the bed. Or coffee table

Slutty sisters let their toenails grow insanely long

Stray Observation

I despise the word ‘cougar,’ both for its double gender standard and far too trendy place in pop culture, but allow me to smile at the irony of Chad, Julie’s stalker, driving her home in his--you guessed it--Cougar

Holy ‘70s wallpaper Batman!

Rent/Bury/Buy

At just 72 minutes (and that’s with elongated end credits), Trilogy of Terror is a quick little pleasure that feels worthy of its mini-cult status. The stories, based on the work of (and finally, actually penned by) genre heavyweight Richard Matheson, aren’t that unique or surprising, but they work well enough with the quick treatment here to keep your interest up. Ultimately, the movie is mostly worth seeing for the incredible doll-itude of its third segment, which should succeed in warming even the coldest of hearts.

Seriously, look at this guy! Don’t you want to dress him up, pose him in wacky locations for photo shoots, and make the best pictures your Christmas card? I can't really be alone on this...can I?

It's a Tree Baby!

Here at the Deadly’ Doll’s House, we’re an equal opportunity villain establishment. In other words, just because you’re constructed from a tree does not mean you’re not welcomed at February’s Attack of the Vertically Challenged Villains and thusly do I present today’s features, the Czech Republic’s 2000 arthouse hit, Little Otik.

Quick Plot: Karel and Bozena want nothing more than to have a baby, as every watermelon and fish market teases them daily with an impossible pregnancy. On a weekend trip to their wacky neighbors’ cabin in the woods, Karel gets inspired to craft a mock infant out of an unusual tree branch, finding its shape hilarious. Bozena,  much to his surprise, is delighted (and suddenly slightly insane). They finally have a BABY!

Men, be warned: This is what happens when you play a joke on your female partner’s uterus.

Try as he may, Karel can’t convince his wife that their child is, you know, an inanimate piece of bark. The best he can do is persuade her to fake a pregnancy and introduce the newly named baby Otik into the world a few trimesters later. Faster than you can say Pinnochio, Bozena knits some baby bumps, breaks out the pickles and whipped cream, and announces her news to nosy apartment mates.

Chief amongst the neighbors is Alzbetka a precocious little blond obsessed, as it would seem, with obstetrics. Abby (as I’ll now call her because really, Ablkjlkj is hard to write) is instantly suspicious of the infertile couple’s sudden turn in luck, an itch that grows months later when Bozena starts pushing around an always covered baby carriage.

See, Otik does indeed achieve ‘real-boy’ status, but much like Grace, it’s not going to send him into the preschool honor society. He’s hungry, aggressive, and growing treenails every day, eventually reaching Audrey II proportions. His parents do what they can, but once apartment pets and civil servants start disappearing, parental sympathy beings to wane.

The plot of Little Otik isn’t necessarily surprising, but the execution is playful, unique, and truly remarkable. Director Jan Svankmajer has a lot of fun with his quirky but familiar characters, from Abby’s ahead-of-her years preteen to a dirty old man whose pants pop open in adorable stop motion whenever he catches sight up her skirt. The design of Otik is both cute and haunting, while the fairy tale elements (beautifully illustrated with folk-tale-like animated drawings) add another layer of intrigue.

Now the bad news: Little Otik is two hours and six minutes long. Had the film maintained a focus for that running time, this wouldn’t be a problem, but unfortunately, it just...keeps...going. At a certain point, we completely lose our original leads as Abby becomes more prominent. Her character (and performance) is certainly entertaining, but the switch happens so deep into the already dense film that it kind of lost me.

High Points

Svankmajer’s camera is wonderfully used, with interesting angles and even more interesting faces getting full exploration

Low Points

2 hours. And 6 minutes.

Lessons Learned

Tree bark butts get very dry

Much like those hungry Cabbage Patch Kids form the late ‘90s, feeding a tree bark baby will run you the risk of having your ponytail eaten as dessert

If it’s going to be chocolate, it’s got to be Charon

Hey kid, I know you’re eleven and all but if you’re uncomfortable with the ancient neighbor ogling your rear, maybe you should wear a skirt that actually covers it

Rent/Bury/Buy

Little Otik is something genuinely different, a Basket Case-like tale told with a tad more class and visual intrigue. It’s a definite recommend for those fans of tamed surrealism, though the overlong running time might be felt. Still, if there’s one thing the world needs more of, it’s movies on Instant Watch about carnivorous tree babies that eat mailmen and whose downfall is cabbage. That’s written in the bible somewhere, I’m sure.

I Said SHHHHHHHHHHHH! It's a DUMMY, for crying out loud!

You know what stinks? Leaving a DVD on its menu too long to the point where you get insanely tired of those six bars or so of theme music played on loop, only to then WATCH the movie and immediately hear said looping music over the opening credits.

And that’s you’re “I hate it when I do that” shared misery of the day. It has nothing to do with February’s Attack of the Vertically Challenged Villains!, but it did happen to me when I decided to watch Dead Silence. I felt I needed to share that information.

Now. Dummies.

Quick Plot: A happy young couple are enjoying a night of soon-to-be-takeout when a mysterious delivery arrives. It’s a box perfectly sized to fit on their coffee table (eerily so) and filled with an odd little dummy in a borrowed tuxedo from Billy the bicycle riding Jigsaw doll. 

I don’t always consider myself the most common sense-smart human out there, but even I know that an unmarked ventriloquist dummy dropped on my welcome mat is a sign that I’m going to die a horrible, horrible, and really truly horrible death. I’d probably just jump out my window at that point to minimize the terror, but that’s me.

Anyway, hubby Jamie (who is not me) heads out to pick up the lo mein and returns to his lovely wife’s mangled jaw and dead, oh so dead body. Homicide detective Donnie Walberg sneers through his mustache to name Jamie the prime suspect, but in the most laid-back way imaginable. You know, he doesn’t really think to collect any evidence from the crime scene, like the mysterious package that arrived minutes before the victim’s brutal slaughter. 

Moving on, Jamie packs up the dummy (just ‘cause) and heads back to his hometown of Raven Falls, a dying hamlet now filled with empty stores, ominous grayness, and his wheelchair bound, tuxedo clad dad and new retired supermodel trophy wife (Amber Valletta).

Since the only other people in a 50 mile radius seem to be a funeral director and his loopy wife, we get their side of the spookiness:

Years ago, a sassy spinster named Mary Shaw took the town by a storm with her ventriloquism act. When a bratty redheaded rich boy heckled her, he paid with his life and later, so did Mary. Ever since then, relatives of the ill-mannered theatergoer have been slaughtered via tongue removal and urban legend.

Cue the thunder crash.

Dead Silence was director James Wan’s followup to the juggernaut success of Saw, also co-written by Leigh Wannell. While the film certainly shares a few bits of Saw’s style, it ultimately goes more for a ‘60s ghost and ghoulies vibe than the grisly complications so inherent in the Jigsaw saga. If anything, Dead Silence feels like the kind of movie that should be shown at middle school sleepover parties. Soaked in urban legends, creepy clown dolls and an adorably insane twist, it’s not overly memorable but oddly, quite enjoyable. 

Yeah that’s right. I liked Dead Silence, and not ONLY because it utilized one of my biggest fears, the ventriloquist dummy. Though lead Ryan Kwanted is about as bland as Wonder Bread, the film feels like a genuine effort on Wan’s part to create a grand mythology in this small and spooked town. Yes, there are those tried and trite ‘something in the mirror, oh but I turned around and it’s not there!’ moments so overused in modern cinema, but there’s also a richly haunted look that seems to hover over every frame. The ending is gloriously over the top and while sure, it’s also ridiculous, it ultimately made me smile. And giggle. And then cough, because I’m a little under the weather.

I will probably not honor Dead Silence on next year’s best-of list, but for 90 minutes of modern horror, a gal could do much worse. 

High Points

Donnie Walberg makes a dummy talk. Need I say more?

Low Points

While I adored the absolutely ridiculous twist ending, I do wish director James Wan found a better way to let it unfold than his trademark Saw-esque montage to increasingly speedy angry music

Lessons Learned

Never give your wife a rose. It’s a sure sign you’ll be accused of her murder

If you’re having trouble sleeping after a traumatic event, perhaps setting an evil-looking doll facing your bed is not the best idea, particularly when said evil-looking doll was delivered to you mere moments before said traumatic event

Never heckle a ventriloquist. Duh.

Rent/Bury/Buy

I wasn’t expecting much with Dead Silence. A killer ventriloquist’s dummy movie that nobody ever thought to recommend my way? Though it’s by no means a perfect horror film, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this little throwback. Mary Shaw makes for a unique villain, and any film that utilizes the classic clown doll licker gets a pass in my book. The DVD includes a few alternate scenes and featurettes and while I don’t see myself ever loving this film, it’s fun enough to merit a rewatch if ever found in the bargain bin.

Killer Babies AND Lascivious Dwarfs? It's like a chocolate covered candy cane!

Let us hop into our time-traveling Volkswagen (watch your head, tallies) and drive into the recent past. Around a year and half ago, I reviewed a film called The Sinful Dwarf, a gleefully twisted little tale about often nude newlyweds, forced prostitution, sodomy via cane, and the titular and VERY sinful dwarf.

Why now do I mention this slice of ‘70s sleaze? Well today’s Vertically Challenged Villain-filled feature, The Devil Within Her, ALSO features a sinful dwarf, and you know what folks? it saddens me how rarely I get to say that.


But what's even more exciting than a sinful dwarf attempting to seduce Joan Collins as she's clad like a belly dancer? Why, a DOUBLE DOSE review of course! My good pal and incredibly esteemed blogging colleague, The Vicar of VHS, also caught a little devil within him fever today and if you head over to Mad Mad Mad Mad Movies, you can read his most glorious thoughts.

Quick Plot: Joan Collins (whom you all remember so fondly from Empire of the Ants) plays Lucy, a newlywed new mom with an exotic dancing past. As the film opens, Lucy is having a difficult time giving birth to her son, so much so that the process prompts doctor Donald Pleasance to declare “This child doesn’t want to be born!”

Cue the title (sometimes indeed, I Don’t Want to Be Born!).

With ten fingers, ten toes, and a surprisingly sharp set of teeth, Baby Nicky comes home with Lucy and her daft Italian husband Gino. Immediately after, the family (and stuffy British nanny) notice something is amiss. Sure, all babies cry, but not all bite and toss furniture around the nursery.

Around this time, we as loyal horror viewers must try to decipher the culprit to Nicky’s oddness. Taking the time and place in account (1970s, Rosemary Baby/Exorcist ripoffland) we can deduce it probably involves demonic possession. Maybe a polluted water supply or dubious prenatal vitamin for a more earthly explanation?

Nope. Silly ideas, those. Can’t you tell that Nicky was corrupted because mom once spurned the romantic advances of an angry cabaret dwarf named Hercules?

Didn’t see that coming, did you?

Yep. Hercules has somehow wormed his sexy spirit into a cute baby (usually dressed up like a girl, for who knows why). We know this because of two reasons:

1-An extended, hilarious flashback wherein Lucy recounts Hercules’ failed seduction

2-The fact that any time Nicky acts evil, the film is cross-cut with closeups of the middle-aged Hercules dressed in a bonnet.

A dwarf in a bonnet is a beautiful beautiful thing.

Are you now preparing to give up your firstborn dwarf for this movie?

Like Unborn Sin*, The Devil WIthin Her is a terrible, horrible, no good very bad movie. Like Unborn Sins, it’s also funnier than anything Kevin James has ever eaten. Part of that comes from director Peter Sasdy’s stone-cold serious approach. Even when dwarfs are dancing with handkerchiefs and Carline Munro--clad in enough accessories to make an ‘80s era Madonna call it tacky--is talking, The Devil Within Her remains a ‘supernatural drama,’ trying with all its Herculean might to tap into the soul of Rosemary’s Baby.

But Joan Collins is no Mia Farrow, explicit sex scene be damned. Hubby Gino is a lovable goof, and Eileen Atkins out-Italian-accents Sophia Coppola with her heroic nun. Somewhere in the mix, a skinny Donald Pleasance tries to keep a straight face when philosophizing over evil vs. medicine. And a dwarf dances. 

I can’t think of any other way to really make you want to watch this movie.

High Points

Aside from the hilarious babysitter death, wherein a cheerful woman is pushed headfirst into a rocky lake by a wee little baby hand? Um. The fact that Joan Collins’ son is possessed by the soul of a living dwarf named Hercules pretty much does it for me

Low Points

Well you know...there’s no real explanation for how the angry dwarf managed to possess Joan Collins’ son. But he did, and that’s just fine

Lessons Learned

Italians make the best husbands

The great thing about not breastfeeding is that it allows you to drink hard liquor just three days after bringing your baby home

The biggest limitation of the medical profession is that you can’t write a prescription to fight evil

When you suspect your child of being possessed by the soul of an angry dwarf (nope, I really can’t stop saying that), be careful where you walk. You never know where a perfectly tied noose is hiding for for the right opportunity to hang you

Rent/Bury/Buy

If you live in the United States and still haven’t gathered your monthly savings for Netflix, let this be your inspiration. The Devil Within Her is streaming on Instant Watch, and really, your life will be better when you watch it. Sure it boasts the most ridiculous reason for possession ever (you got NOTHING Doll Graveyard) and the easiest exorcism ever. Seriously. The big finale is a frail nun reading Latin over a giggle infant.

It’s so much more amazing than words can ever possibly explain.

*NOTE: Unborn Sins is the film that will come to define our times or at least, February's Month of the Vertically Challenged Villains. It is one of the greatest things I have ever seen put to screen, but time keeps preventing me from giving it the proper photo treatment. You will know what this means when the day comes this month and your mind is blown.