Would you like some fries with your face?

So within the first five minutes of Drive Thru, we get to watch a jumpsuit wearing clown butcher two urban talking white boys that spew out every possible stereotype of ghetto speak (holmes, dog, busta cap in yo ass, etc.) before dying wonderfully exciting painful deaths (face fries and all). Naturally, I’m instantly convinced Drive Thru is the best piece of cinema ever to include a cameo by Morgan Spurlock and Sean "Aawon Buhh" Whalen. Screw that, the best piece of cinema ever made by mankind.

Quick Plot: In the quiet, wonderfully named town Blanca Carne, a hip hopping van of weed smoking teens orders some artery clogging dinner from Hella Burger, a greasy fast food chain best known for its popular Horny the Clown mascot. I never understood how such an ambitious venture like McDonald’s could succeed despite 30% of the greater population being absolutely terrified by the face that graces every Happy Meal, but apparently, I’m just not that smart.

Anyway, our stoners don’t make it to their milkshakes because Horny, accompanied by some intensely annoying metal music, slices or fries them up while making excruciatingly awesome puns. Meanwhile, high school senior McKenzie (Gossip Girl’s Leighton Meester) is partying with her friends (including another Gossip Girl actor, Penn Badgley, in a glorious curly afro) and playing with a Ouja board in the hopes of contacting Marilyn Manson. Instead, they receive a mysterious bunch of letters and numbers that later proves itself to be the license plate of the ill-fated diners.

Before you can say ‘xoxo,’ McKenzie is receiving all sorts of ominous warnings through her retro toys, including a Magic 8 ball and Etch-a-Sketch. Like a straighter haired Nancy Thompson wearing eye liner that would give Blair Waldorf hives, McKenzie pieces together a mystery involving her former hippie mom (Jan from The Office) and a typical prank gone wrong from many years ago.

If there’s a fatal flaw to Drive Thru, it’s that the film overplays its hand during its incredibly American cheesy opening. The ridiculous joy shown in those first five minutes just can't quite be matched once the (sigh) story kicks in, even if it means we get Blair Waldorf singing rock ‘n roll and calling the preppy Bush supporters Banana Republicans. In fact, Drive-Thru kind of has an insane case of identity crisis all the way through, selling itself as urban horror but primarily focusing on rich white people. Even Horny himself makes the Leprechaun look like the little guy belongs in the hood. It's strange.

But also, simply great. Great. Great. And kind of okay. 

   

And great.

High Points

Kudos to a movie that finds a more realistic way to show a microwaved head than Last House On the Left, providing one could poke a hole in the bottom of a microwave, stick someone's head through it, and make it explode. That's how it works right?

Low Points

Obviously, the soundtrack wasn’t going to go on my iPod, but that doesn’t mean it has to be played at 10 decibels louder than the rest of the film

Buddhist Question of the Month

Does the pope shit in the woods?

No seriously, does he? When using this expression, is it rhetorical in the affirmative or negative? I. Don't. Know.

Lessons Learned

It takes about 10 seconds to realize that your body has been severed in two

Taking a secret to the grave is a great way to guarantee your presence in a horror movie

Psycho killers usually keep shit in the garage

All you can really hope to get out of fancy college is a designer drug addiction or stalker

Today’s youth are quite retro, using dark rooms to develop photographs and making hip references to Greg Brady and Captain Kangaroo 

Rent/Bury/Buy

Look, some of us really love these kinds of movies, and God clearly loves such people because Neflix/God puts them on Instant Watch. If logic follows, those of us that adored Drive Thru will enjoy watching such films on fluffy cotton candy clouds up in heaven. I kind of can’t wait for that, even if it means I have to be sliced up by a 7’ tall clown making bad puns in order to get there.

In other words, add to queue, queue up, watch, rate 5 stars, and move on. Your afterlife will be better for it.