Lady In Reeeeeeeeed-I mean white. Lady In White. Right.

Savvy readers know of my fondness for the bizarre 1980 antichrist-goes-to-high-school classic Fear No Evil, a film that featured everything from death by dodgeball, passion plays, zombies, Rocky Horror Show costuming, angels, and suicide inspired by the sudden development of female breasts on a male bully chest. Naturally, the mere fact that writer/director Frank LaLoggia had also made 1988’s Lady In White eventually sent it to the top of the queue.

Quick Plot: A friendly cab driver lets young Frankie out at a cemetery, then follows him to hear the story of a few buried folk. That’s right folks, a smoother device for narration there has never been.

Frankie (now young, big-eyed, and played by Lucas Haas) takes us back to 1962, when he was a 9-year-old writer-in-the-making living with his widowed father, big brother, and adorably Italian grandparents. One Halloween night, a pair of pricky bullies play a typical wacky movie prank by locking Frankie inside school, an old building that happens to overlook a cemetery. While inside, Frankie sees the ghost of a little girl reenacting her murder just before the actual murderer enters and nearly strangles the boy. Mystery hath been laid.

This being 1962, the police arrest the nearest black man and pin eleven more child murders on the poor family guy, much to the catharsis of the town. Frankie’s father, however, knows the pieces don’t fit together, though the story gets passed back down to Frankie to figure things out for himself. About 2 hours later, he does.

Lady In White is one of the most baffling movies I’ve seen in a very long time, mostly because I have absolutely no idea who its intended audience could be. Rated PG13 (probably PG in ’88), it steers clear of any sex or serious onscreen violence, though the very nature of the killer (notes are dropped about molestation) isn’t quite appropriate for kids to consider. At the same time, the film tries to show the world from Frankie’s 9-year-old point of view, straight down to LaLoggia’s instrumental score that seems intent on lightening the mood at every moment of suspense. 

So a ghost story for 12 year olds? Except not. Unless your 12 year old has an incredibly  advanced attention span, there’s no way he or she will eagerly sit through a full two hour (!) film filled with limp subplots and stretched out scenes of dialogue. Making a deeper-than-your-average-thriller is admirable, but that doesn’t mean your script is comparable to To Kill a Mockingbird.

And yet I liked this movie and rather enjoyed the offbeat tone. It's neat. Just too long. 

High Points

A Bing Crosby ditty called Did You Ever See a Dream Walking? is used throughout the film with surprising creepiness

Low Points

Netflix reports the running length as 1 hour and 58 minutes. Even if the film didn't contain a whole lot of slow scenes, that's simply too long for a skim ghost story

All in all, the narration and framing device does about nothing for Lady In White

The always fabulous Katherine Helmond is always fabulous, but also, rather wasted in a quick two-scene role that, by the time we get to 90+ minutes into the film, barely registers

Lessons Learned

A thinking tree helps you think about things

A game of limbo is a great way to see up your teacher’s skirt

In the 1960s, women were listed in the phone book under their first names

Rent/Bury/Buy
I'm extremely torn on how to rate this film because though it has a lot about it to enjoy, Lady In White is also far too long and rather confused about who it's been made for. Those who like nostalgic kid movies spiced up with mild horror (think Matinee) may take to the style, but viewers expecting actual horror won't find too much more than Disney-esque ghost effects. The DVD includes a commentary by the always affable LaLoggia, but overall, this is a rental for those looking for something different. If you do, however, dig into The Lady In White, come back here to share your thoughts. I'm especially curious to hear who else correctly identified the murderer within two minutes of his screentime (only to then wait ONE HOUR AND FIFTY EIGHT MINUTES for the reveal).