Because Pretty People Sometimes Deserve To Die

When a synopsis for a low-budget horror film involves a bachelorette party,  you can guess you’ll be in for a rough ride. Then again, that also means a bunch of obnoxious bachelorettes will experience horrific deaths, so that in itself makes The Last Resort fairly inviting.

Quick Plot: A group of attractive and annoying 20something females head to Mexico for a week’s worth of drinking and being skanky in honor of their pal Kat’s upcoming wedding. After the kind of night in a bar that involves a drinking montage with enough shots that would kill Andre the Giant, the sensible girl of the group (because she’s a brunette) goes home with a nice guy, while the other four airheads awaken the next day with killer hangovers and the great idea to go sightseeing in a van with two not suspicious at all locals. 

In case you’re wondering, yes, you are now at this point expected to wish a painful death to everyone you’ve met onscreen thus far.

As Brunette spends a sunny day at the beach with her bland beau, her shriekier pals get robbed (but pointedly not raped), non-fatally shot, and left in the desert with only an abandoned resort to keep them comfy. All would be okay enough if the resort didn’t happen to be channeling eviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil energy with the power to possess its inhabitants and inspire all sorts of hysterically violent actions.

What follows involves cannibalism, guttings, and a fair share of dumb white people not understanding ominous warnings in Spanish. It sounds awful, but believe it or not, The Last Resort isn’t half bad for what it is. Yes, the cast is about as likable as a skin rash, but the film is more than willing to go to darker, grislier places than its pretty sheen might have you suspect. The actual results of a possessed give-in-to-your-inner-urges hotel causing some visitors to eat their friends...hey, I can get behind that.

High Points

In the wake of the modern thin-is-in trend, it’s weirdly refreshing to hear so much verbal attacks on the skinniest character’s body. Sure, a bandit telling her she’s too bony to rape isn’t exactly a step towards equality, but hey, it’s less insulting than it should be

Low Points

You know, the whole “these women are terribly annoying” thing...

Lessons Learned

Being shot is not good

Mexico means in Mexican weird

Petty thieves with gunshot wounds don’t get to make demands

Rent/Bury/Buy

I’ve seen far worse horror movies than The Last Resort. It’s by no means a major feat in filmmaking, but one could do far worse when surfing the Instant Watch offerings than this gory vacation tale. It doesn’t mean I’m not happy to see almost every character suffer a horrible fate, but it also means I didn’t hate watching it. So you know, modern mediocrity at its most mediocre.