Do Doot. Doo Dooot. Doo Doot Doo Doot Doo Doot (hummed with an Australian accent)

When Hurricane Irene began her slow waltz up the east coast, I found myself in a very specific movie mood. I wanted disaster, and I wanted it of the natural sort. Hence my queuing up of the Instant Watch thriller The Reef, a ripped-from-the-headlines tale of ill-fated sailors teasing the sharks in Australia.

Quick Plot: Meet Luke, a decent-looking (see Low Point) young man who invites his pal Matt, pal’s galpal Suzie, and Luke’s ex Kate (who Matt generously introduces to the audience as ‘his sister’ so we’re all fully clear on the dynamic) on a weekend sailing trip. As is standard with most overturned yacht disaster films, we get a good 30 minutes or so of character development in bikinis, pretty underwater shots of coral, and the token break-up/make-up conversations screenwriters seem to adore.

What’s up with that? I understand relationships are complicated (trademarked by Facebook) but why do filmmakers believe that makes them interesting? Kate and Luke, you see, broke up some time ago but still have strong feelings for one another. That’s nice. But I really don’t care.

See, I’m watching a film called The Reef because I want to see people eaten by sharks. It’s shallow, perhaps, but c’mon. Sharks. 

Thankfully the director heard my yawning and crashes the yacht in time for a few ominous fins to cruise on by.  As the upside down boat begins to sink, shipmaster Warren holds firm while the other four decide to swim towards land. A passing slain turtle and what I imagine are 12 rounds of 99 Bottles of Beer On the Wall later, we get our first shark feast and it’s rather glorious.

So that’s good. Shark attacks (apparently an alternate title in the Philippines) are important if your movie is an entrance in the shark attack subgenre. You might even say it’s the reason people watch such films. You know, for the shark attacks.

The Reef is a quite competent film, one filled with gorgeous camerawork and strong performances. The first sharking is scary and sudden, one that rewards your patience for watching relationship drama unfold. The problem with the film is that, well, there’s really only so much one can do when your actors are in the ocean surrounded by sharks. Unlike say, Chain Letter, which found about nine dozen different ways to have a chain kill someone, The Reef can only really show sharks swimming by and quickly grabbing a chunk off of someone’s skin. You know, because that’s what sharks do. 

High Points

It’s nice to see a film finally acknowledge the fact that climbing up a cliff is REALLY hard

Low Points

As I explained on this week’s episode of Girls On Film, the caliber of male hotness in this film is direly lacking. Forgive me if that sounds shallow, but how many horror films can you think of that feature unattractive females? Few. Very few. So when you set your movie in the oceans of Australia, wouldn’t you think to match the pretty blonds with something a little more sexy than this?

Lessons Learned

Sharks love seals (and really, who doesn't?)

Dead turtles are an incredibly unpleasant sight

Sleeping in water won’t do you any favors in the morning

Rent/Bury/Buy

As an Instant Watch stream, The Reef is more than adequate. It’s essentially a more brutal version of Open Water with better lighting, less overhead shots of clouds, and more blood. My qualms with it lie more in the genre’s limitations than director Andrew Traucki’s execution, particularly since he’s working from a ‘based on true events’ story that kind of naturally breeds a tad of the familiar. If you like sharks and want a nice remember of why they’re terrifying, one could do a lot worse than throwing this on a cool summer night.