Little Fockers

The fact that a movie exists called Blood Gnome is reason enough to rejoice. That Blood Gnome is put in the ‘erotic’ section of Netflix is a reason to have a party. That it’s on Netflix Instant Watch might be considered proof that God exists.

Quick Plot: A couple practicing BDSM (don’t worry, it will be explained about sixty three times over the course of the film’s 87 minutes) is found brutally murdered. For whatever reason, the only person who seems able to pinpoint the real danger is a dweeby crime scene photographer named Dan. 

Hope you like his looks ladies, because this Dan is about to get some icy nipples and leathery lovin.’

Dan hooks up with Divinity, head slave to the fetish mistress Elandra. Topless women come in and out, but straight female viewers are far more excited to ogle the muscular villains of the title, petite pink things that are only visible to cheap camcorder night vision.

As you might expect, the blood gnomes talk in the typical ‘numb numb numb’ speak you generally find in movies like Trilogy of Terror. One exception comes from their styles in chatrooms. See, a little known fact about mutated evil little people: they like to use the caps lock key, just lock over-eager Internet loiterers or slightly non-tech-savvy mothers. Oh but if you can’t read or forgot to wear your glasses, have no fear: Dan has this incredibly exposition-happy habit of talking to himself and reading everything he reads out loud for all to hear. It can be quite convenient.

It’s important that blood gnomes use instant messaging, since this leads our hero into their final massacre held, of course, at a massive BDSM party. There we get a lot of bare breasts and even more blood gnome feasting. Plus, wily gunfire.

These are all good things.

High Points

Obviously, I found Blood Gnomes hilarious for a lot of the wrong reasons, but the film does have some genuine moments of humor, many of which do indeed come from lead actor Vinnie Bilancio

Low Points

I suppose it helps establish Dan’s character, but an awful lot of time seems wasted on explaining his tragic (and rather bizarre) backstory, the problem of which is that it takes time away from...you know, the blood gnomes

So back to the old argument on misadvertising that I find so bothersome with the incorrectly pluralized "Elves": why not call the film Blood Gnomes? They never travel alone

Lessons Learned

The best place to ask earnest questions about BDSM is totally not a chatroom devoted to BDSM

When your drug dealer dresses like Parker Lewis, you the customer definitely CAN lose

Bad bangs are often a sign of a bad soul

The Winning Line:

Homicide Detective: Our killer has a bloodlust.

I cannot possibly believe such a fact to ever be true.

Rent/Bury/Buy

Obviously, I adored this film but I suppose I should be responsible and admit that doesn’t necessarily mean YOU will. It’s poorly shot and not brilliantly acted, probably made for the same price as the final Kraft Services bill on the set of Amusement, but at the same time, the effects are surprisingly decent and the story is about blood gnomes hunting BDSM enthusiasts. Gentlemen (and ladies) can enjoy an overwhelming amount of female toplessness, so there’s always that. Also, there are blood gnomes. And they are fabulous.