Careful! Those are DANGEROUS Worry Dolls

In the race for smallest killer during February’s Spectacular of the Vertically Challenged Villains, Dangerous Worry Dolls just might take the nano-sized crown. That’s the good news.

Quick Plot: Meet Eva, a pretty blond single mom just trying to make it work for herself and daughter. This is mildly difficult when incarcerated in a minimum security rehabilitation penitentiary for women, a joint so vicious it’s policed by a mere two guards (one of whom would probably lose a fight with a toothpick). As Eva makes enemies of the tough girls, warden, and token sleazeballl corrections officer, we’re treated to the mildest women-in-prison film since Boot Camp.

Life changes a tad when Eva’s daughter visits with a gift in the form of a quartet of Guatemalan worry dolls, pinky sized creations that one should put under their pillow when sad. After receiving a rather hilarious implied strap-on raping, Eva tearfully tucks her little friends close to her head where one, for absolutely no explained reason whatsoever, crawls inside her ear.

The next morning, Eva is feeling refreshed and ready to face the day, hampered not even slightly by the sudden zit that developed on the center of her forehead. She’s wearing colors! (against the rules) Standing up for her mousy friend named Mouse! Sassing up the warden and acting like the meanest switchblade sister you ever didn’t see!

But what could cause such a transformation? Might it be the softball sized bump getting brighter every hour glaring from her head? It’s still smaller than the bruise I got falling off the balance beam in the fourth grade, but I don’t like to brag. Anyway, the bump proves to be something of a cuckoo clock where every so often, a skull-faced little man (a dangerous worry doll, perhaps?) pokes out to scream at a nearby soon-to-be victim of Eva’s wrath.

Dangerous Worry Dolls isn’t the best or worst Charles Band production, which is almost its main problem. The acting, for the most part, is actually quite fine, but the dialogue reads like an eighth grader’s play rather than unrated horror movie. Sure, the film makes a minor deal out of the prison being for small-time criminals, but even the lesser badasses wouldn’t try to assert their toughness with repeated warnings to “mind your own beeswax.”

High Points

A surprise breast reveal doesn’t hold a candle to Fear No Evil, but that doesn’t make it any less fun

Low Points

There are four little worry dolls and only one skull head cuckoo clock. Also, the dolls themselves pretty much do nothing. And have no history. Or explanation for why they (rather, one of they) can wield such power over one young woman. I’m grateful for a 75 minute film, but when it has no reason for happening, I have to wonder...

Lessons Learned

In prison, being someone’s bitch means you have to help sneak in their drugs. And that’s just about it

There may be no basement in the Alamo, but even the smallest women’s prison houses a sexy underground lair fully stocked with sex toys, leather masks, video cameras (product placement Sony) and open ready-to-drink bottles of red wine

Female wardens can be rather kinky

Rent/Bury/Buy

Dangerous Worry Dolls is a film that will only entertain those with a soft spot for these kinds of cheap, weirdly innocent little movies puckered with mild gore and almost laughably inserted nudity. At less than 80 minutes long, it’s a quick watch but not one worth putting effort into finding, especially since the DVD lacks a single special feature. You want a movie about Guatemalan worry dolls? This is kind of it. But let’s just say, when it comes to movies about Guatemalan worry dolls, it’s still an open playing field.

But a very tiny one. But wide open--you get my point.