Who Can Kill THE CHILDREN?

There’s a reason I have 13 entries and counting under the label “darn kids” on this blog. Evil minors are third only to deadly dolls and killer clowns as my favorite sub-genre of horror, something quite a few recent films (Orphan, Joshua) have cemented as pure joy under 5’. When they’re funny, these films are hilarious (Esther’s prick line still has me giggling like a Crazy) and when they’re scary, they can easily be terrifying.

Naturally, I couldn’t resist watching Tom Shankland’s The Children, a 2008 film I had been attempting to save for the next xmas season. Put me on the naughty list and let the blood roll:

Quick Plot: Grown-up sisters Chloe and Elaine gather their broods at a picturesque English countryside home to celebrate New Year’s with screaming kids dulled by casual drinking. Chloe and her potential miniskirt chasing husband Robbie are living the upper middle class liberal dream with two blue-eyed tots soon to be home schooled. Elaine’s lifesty’e is a little less ideal. Her eldest daughter Casey (a fine Hannah Tointon) is a sullen dark eyeliner-wearing teen bitter towards her wormy stepfather Jonah and half siblings Miranda and the possibly Asbergery Paulie.

After a meet ‘n greet filled with all the tenants of family reunions (awkward missed kisses, lost pets, vomiting), minor tensions reveal themselves. Don’t-Call-Me-Uncle Robbie hits on Casey. Casey considers herself a missed abortion and hates everything. Miranda hates Casey. And so on. There are no major squabbles or primal loathing boiling. Just the usual family dynamics about to be rocked by forces outside their control.

Slowly, Chloe’s little monsters start to misbehave in ways that would have most babysitters running into the arms of Michael Myers. One of the most terrifying scenes occurs before the film even enters its mayhem phase, when a New year’s breakfast descends into a sort of Freaks one-of-us nightmare with higher voiced screams and eggs. It’s familiar but extremely uncomfortable and a perfect segway into the Who Can Kill a Child  territory we’re about to enter.

I’ll tread lightly through the snowy spoilers because The Children is yet another fine example of chillingly effective modern horror with a familiar old school premise grounding the tale. As you can guess from the title, poster, description or foreshadowing, these kids ain’t right and all legal adults have some bloody times ahead.

We’ve seen--okay, I’ve seen--plenty of minors slicing their parents with irresponsibly placed kitchen knives, just as we’ve seen our share of blood staining white snow. Director Shankland isn’t necessarily reinventing horror cinema, but he infuses The Children with a unique eye and startlingly brutal style. Sure, the kids use the same weapons as Mikey or Esther, but you’ve never quite seen a mum so maternally insistent on her kids’ innocence get an eye treatment at quite the angle here. Blood on snow is a time-honored image, but Shankland’s camera captures the ruby tone absorbing the white cold with new macabre beauty.

The Children is a genuinely unnerving film, although a tad shallow. While it doesn’t quite capture the primal horror of Who Can Kill a Child (hate to keep bringing up that title but it’s an obvious influence throughout), this film grabbed me by my ponytail for a good 90 minutes and once again made me thankful brown eyes are a dominant trait.

That’s right sapphires: your naturally eerie stares are on the outs. 

High Points

Tointon’s Casey is an excellent character to center The Children. In the poetry of Brittney, not a girl, not yet a woman. Playing with her sensuality but still in need of mommy when death is on the line. A perfect cross between the evil elementary schoolers and yuppy parents she so resents

Between the giggling kids and frazzled adults, there’s not a weak performance among the cast

As those who read my column last week on daytime horror know, I instantly give bonus points to any film not afraid of a tan. All the terror of The Children takes place on a crispy sunny day and all of the visuals benefit

Low Points

I have no issue whatsoever with (MILD KID-SIZED SPOILER ALERT) not getting a solid explanation, but there’s something empty about the actual mystery. Maybe I’m just clinging to the haunting documentary opening of Who Can Kill a Child. Based on the director’s comments in the making of featurette, I think The Children was more an exploration of the parents’ behavior than a story of evil kids. In that sense, there’s some intriguing, if underdeveloped ideas.

Lessons Learned

If you don’t want your mother to know about the tattoo on your navel, avoid wearing shirts that highlight your midriff

Gold stars are not the answer to everything

Hoop earrings are inappropriate accessories for child-rearing

Rent/Bury/Buy

This is a nastily fun ride and more than worth a rental. Fans of the killer kid classics or well-made modern horror with a high blood dose will be happy to own it. No commentary, but the DVD does contain a few behind-the-scenes shorts (revealing, as you’d expect, the smiling and adorable child actors) and a few wisely deleted scenes. Give it an enthusiastic try...just not when babysitting.