My vote? Gourmet Zombie Chef From Hell.
Mind you this, to my memory, is a far better sentence than the film that follows it. I personally haven't seen it in years, but another fine blogger the world knows as Zedword will be covering it this week in a cleverly themed Zombie Cuisine Week. He even did a promo video!
Which is way more than I'll ever do for my readers. The most you kids get from me is a random youtube search for the finale from The Pirate Movie:
Amazing, yes, but it ain't an undead Rachel Ray. So if you're feeling the need for some ghoulish munching (not to beconfused with goulash munching; Zed may have promised to lay off the puns but I never signed up for that), head to his blog (http://zedwordblog.blogspot.com/ ) and enjoy.
Is it wrong that now I'm kind of hungry?
The first title I thought of, and now the only one I CAN think of is:
ReplyDelete"The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!!?"
I have in my possession a film called Zombeak... The tagline is 'Murder, most FOWL.' I do believe it has undead poultry in it... Haven't got around to watching it just yet, but I'm sure I'll be glad I did when I do!
ReplyDelete;o)
I've always been partial to 1972's "The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here!" I mean, that's some kind of title! But I think the greatest title for a horror film is arguably The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. It's perfect. That's the title that all other drive-in, grindhouse, exploitation films must be matched against - a title that creates fear in the viewer even before the movie starts.
ReplyDeleteJohn: I approve of any ridiculously wordy title! I don't know that I've seen tISCWSLaBMUZ, but it was covered on MST3K so there's about a 92% chance that I had at some point in my life. Whether it's awful or not, it does indeed deserve your vote!
ReplyDeleteJames: I've heard of Zombeak and am indeed intrigued, especially following my far too enthusiastic enjoyment of ThanksKilling (which earns points for title, since I now no longer refer to that holiday as anything else). Can't wait to hear your prognosis on Zombeak!
Jeff: Excellent point about TCM. Each word does indeed create such horrifying possibilities. Funny how the film is so clean when it comes to blood, and yet I find the very idea of a chainsaw-dealt death to be the most painful way possible to go and there's something about the very grittiness of the title that helps make that so intense. It's actually a major reason to why I hated Midnight Meat Train. When I heard the title, I instantly expected a TCM-esque down 'n dirty grindhouse-like horror and just couldn't deal with the strangely CGI gloss artwork at work in the final product.
ReplyDeleteA couple good entries for best movie title ever...
ReplyDelete"The Fearless Vampire Killers or Pardon Me, But Your Fangs Are In My Neck"
or
"Your Vice is a Locked Room and Only I Have The Key."
way to go John, you beat me to it! I was going to say the same, though I am also a big fan of "Children Shouldnt Play with Dead Things"
ReplyDeleteI don't know. Deathbed: The Bed That Eats is a title that's hard to beat.
ReplyDeleteI do love the complicated nature of Your Vice... The film totally could have condensed its title into something like "Lockbox", but instead, it's simply awesome.
ReplyDeleteAnd hell yes Children SHouldn't Play With Dead Things. The trailer for that film alone is one of the best, even if by the end, you're really happy those 'children' played with dead things because they all deserved to be eaten!
Ah, Deathbed: The Bed That Eats. By far the film that has earned more viewers by the power of its title than any other.
ReplyDeleteSadly though, if you've heard Patton Oswalt's bit about it (which is fabulous), he misquotes the title as Death Bed: The Bed That Eats People. The titular bed of that wonderfully awful film has a bigger appetite than Val Kilmer.
Nuts, Carl beat me to Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things!
ReplyDeleteI did a post on perfectly titled movies sometime ago, everythings meshed together-for all I know it could have been yesterday.. BUT I think there's something to be said about simple film titles that have layers and layers of understanding, like Inside or puns like Ginger Snaps!
Oh and also Thank GOD someone agrees with me about Midnight Meat Train...I'm sick of people getting raging boners over that movie when it stunk like....like a midnight meat train would stink like.
I must seek out your post! You do make a great point about Inside and Ginger Snaps, especially since it leads to a perfect title to the second sequel: Ginger Snaps Back. Convenient on so many levels!
ReplyDeleteAnd virtual high five on MMT. A Midnight Meat Train WOULD stink. Because it would be raw and mean. THE Midnight Meat Train smells like cleaning solution.
I have no title for you. BUT, 2 things:
ReplyDelete1) I love the Pirate Movie. This may explain much to you about me. Keep pumping and blowing, indeed, Kristy McNichol!
2) I just saw a web site where they interview you and you mention me and my movie thusly: "insanely silly badness makes it such a must-see".
And you know what that means? That's right, on the 10th Anniversary Edition of FOC: "...a must-see" movie
---The Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense
Sweet!
1. You are a man of fine taste. I imagine I'll be pumping and blowing all day long, because a) that, like every song in The Pirate Movie, is incredibly catchy and b) I look forward to singing it at work, getting strange looks, and then explaining that The Pirate Movie is the best musical of all time and c) getting into a Bronx rumble over what is indeed the best musical of all time. Ambitions for Monday!
ReplyDelete2. Do I really have to wait 4 years for that box? That's the biggest tease since Conan O'Brien was given a decade to plan his Late Show, and look how great that turned out! I will, however, demonstrate my thanks and trust in that promise by watching Fear of Clowns 2 sometime this week.
I think my vote would have to be for either "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers" or "Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama"... two movies I got based on title alone... and maybe the prospect of Linnea Quigley flesh!
ReplyDeleteI think the very inclusion of Linnea Quigley's name offers the near assured prospect of flesh, but those are indeed two classy titles. Like "Electric Boogaloo," anything that includes "O-Rama" earns instant fun points.
ReplyDeleteI was only kidding about the FOC--I don't get the rights back until somewhere around 2016, so you'd have to settle for the 15th anniversary...
ReplyDeleteWhich FOC2--the limited edition or the streaming Amazon?
I didn't know there was a limited edition! I streamed it on Amazon last night and should be posting my review next week.
ReplyDeleteI won't exactly spoil my own review, but I will say you may have stumbled upon an important mathematical theory: clown x 3/ Brain Disease=a positive number.
Wow, cool! A streamer! (it's the better version) If you don't comment particularly about how the streaming experience went, please shoot me an email and let me know. I want to know if there were any problems--it look okay? Any breakup? Is my nude cameo still there? Stuff like that.
ReplyDeleteLooking forward to the review, positive or not!
The nude cameo is totally maintained. I think. You are a busty blond, yes?
ReplyDeleteStreaming was fine, although me being a lowly Mac user wasn't permitted to watch on my TV. Fine. I see how it is. The world isn't ready for us. Be that way.
I'm hoping to get the review up around Wednesday/Thursday, unless life gets busy then it will have to wait to Saturday. The suspense should keep you mildly concerned! (or not; I enjoyed it. Damn! Spoiler alert!).
I am indeed a busty blond. I know the scene was pretty much the definition of gratuitous nudity, but I so wanted my cameo in there.
ReplyDelete(in reality, I'm the detective who leaves the room just as Peters walks in to talk to his Sarge. In the first film I'm the cop by the police car, billed as "Cop Who Ate Too Many Doughnuts", and in this film I'm "Detective Who Ate Too Many Doughnuts", as my character has been promoted")
I didn't know Macs couldn't watch on their TV. That kinda sucks. Then again, Mac people are freaky noncomformists anyway, so screw em. :)
You enjoyed it? Excellent! The subliminal "This Movie Is Good" and "You Will Enjoy This Film" messages apparently worked! Even though no one comments on the shirtlessness of the clown!
I hope you can still be snarky about the review though. I do enjoy snarkiness.
Congratulations on the promotion!
ReplyDeleteYeah, being a Mac person has its downsides, namely the lack of streaming. But hey, we get to act like elitists and pretend we're skinny and hip, just like Justin Long. You know you're jealous.
Yes, the subliminal messages totally worked, although a side effect seems to be that I now giggle a lot, walk around topless, and am dying of a brain disease. It's a small price to pay.
Snarkiness can never die, particularly when for another 100 minutes, not one character notices a 6'5 clown not wearing a top.
We had to use a Mac in order to shoot "Bounty", and let me tell you, I am not jealous.
ReplyDeleteThe side effects are totally worth it. (to me)
And I don't know where you are, but here in Maryland there are tons of shirtless clowns walking around. We see it every day, so we're kind of desensitized. Also, he's 6'3. The big black clown is 6'8.
Whoa whoa whoa. A character says, and I wrote down--in pen--"He's a 6'5 clown with black eyes." Did you just average the two heights together? But wait, my math is bad (Barbie told me it's okay if I don't get it so I rarely try) but that's not even the perfect average! What's going on? This is worse than all the minor errors of continuity in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves or Carrie Fisher's disappearing British accent in A New Hope!
ReplyDeleteSigh. I do recall the weather being much warmer in Maryland than the rough 'n tough Bronx, so it makes sense to go topless. What I didn't know was that there was such a large population of clowns down there. Is it like North Carolina and Long Islanders?
I think, if you're referencing the character I believe, she says "He's what, 6'5, and he's got no eyes?" And Lynn corrects her on the eyes being black. So, clearly, the lady who says he's 6'5 just doesn't know.
ReplyDeleteYou critics are supposed to pick up on this shit! I don't spend all that money on mind-altering drugs just to make myself happy! It's so I can write good! That's right, GOOD.
Clowns in Maryland are like retards in Congress. They're ALL OVER THE PLACE. But only about 3 out of 5 is shirtless.
Ahhh, I stand corrected. See, what you don't know is we 'critics' are also busy with our mind-altering drugs. Sometimes it's the only way we can get through trash like Bijou Philips in It's Alive or paper mache aliens in Feeders 2: Slay Bells. You may write good, but we have to watch AND write goodly.
ReplyDeleteWow. I'm glad my days of visiting Maryland are well behind me. I don't like to judge regions on their racial makeup, but now this explains the crime rate in Baltimore. I'm sure had The Wire reached Season 6, those 12 episodes devoted to the growing population of clowns engaging in drug and medieval weapon war on the streets would have FINALLY won that show the Emmy it so deserved.