The Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense

Let The Shortening Begin!

2012-02-01T07:27:00.000-05:00

Last February, loyal readers might remember how we lowered the ceiling of the Doll’s House for the First (Now) Annual Attack of the Vertically Challenged Villains. Never one to back down from creating a tradition, I hereby cut the ribbon on 2012’s entrance into all things little. There will be…

Short people!

Shrunken people!

Fire people!

Mollusks!

Teenagers before their growth spurt!

Um, these things!

Will we discover something as jaw-dropping as last year’s abominably awesome Unborn Sins? Who will win the prestigious 2012 Golden Lifts Award For Excellence Under Average Height? Will there be possession by dwarf? Impregnation by angry spirits of Native American medicine men? Attacks in kink clubs by phallic shaped blood gnomes? Or more likely, will we be watching fading A-list stars like Renee Zellwegger and Kevin Costner fight their very own demon spawn?

Whether human or puppet or demon fetus, this month is sure to bring out the baddest in the most petite. Readers with their own blogs are encouraged to spread The Shortening around and send me their links to movies featuring things under 5’2. How else can we little people expect to take over the world and finally make “Ankle” the standard length for jeans on sale at the Gap?

Stop by tomorrow for the first induction, one that’s sure to get between you and your Calvin Kleins if you catch my drift (or something). Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s February 1^st, meaning I’m currently celebrating the very first year anniversary of my 29^th birthday. I can think of no better way to ring in a new decade (wait, I mean…second year of being 29) than to open a classy corked bottle of Ommegang beer, order nachos delivered to my doorstep, and pop in the one and only killer kid classic, Bloody Birthday.

Cheers.

Dolly's Gone Haywire!

2012-01-31T12:51:00.000-05:00

Dolly Parton is easily my favorite living celebrity, an entertainer with enough cheerful spirit and musical talent to make Tennessee a worthy vacation destination (I’m heading there for the third time this spring). Hence, when the South’s favorite blond was line dancing back to the big screen, it seemed a natural recommend for my other favorite below Mason Dixoner, T.L. Bugg.

That’s right homefries: The Lightning Bug’s Lair is brimming with Joyful Noise, so hitch up yer horse and gallop on over for Zack’s what-I-imagine-must-be-rave-review. On my end, the Bugg sent me out on a covert mission to see Steven Soderbergh’s Haywire. There’s less gospel singing and more ass kicking, but balance is important in this day and age. Just ask Dolly’s bras.

Quick Plot: Mallory Kane (MMA star Gina Carano) sits down for a cup of tea in an upstate diner when the boring guy from the only bad Step Up movie comes in to talk and fight. REALLY fight.

Winning round 1, Mallory enlists the aide of a curious customer with wheels and speeds away on the snowy road, telling her story to him and more importantly, us.

See, Mallory has one of those jobs that we only know about because of movies like Haywire. She’s a covert operative something something, an esteemed professional who negotiates and executes super duper dangerous plans around the world. Her last mission in Barcelona—to grab a journalist that had been taken hostage—went so well that she now gets a quickie job in Dublin via her boss and ex-lover (the young Obi Wan Kenobi) to pose as the wife of fellow operative/hot person Michael Fassbender. When a few details become suspect, Mallory finds herself back in combat and on the run.

Steven Soderbergh is easily one of modern cinema’s most interesting directors, both behind the camera and away from it. In terms of technique, he’s created some genuine marvels (Traffic, The Limey) and plenty of worthy experiments. As if flicking on a light switch, he can seemingly shoot out a commercially appealing mainstream vehicle without pandering to a less arty audience, only to turn around half a year later with a made-for-peanuts indie that butts any theater formula. Oh, and he’s currently working on a film based on Channing Tatum’s experiences as a male stripper.

Why aren’t more people as shocked/fascinated by this as I am?

Anyway, Haywire falls somewhere in between Soderbergh’s experiments and crowd pleasers. It’s an action film, to be sure, but one clearly crafted by someone with ambition and more importantly, creativity. We’ve seen badass hot chicks in hand-to-hand combat, but Soderbergh stages his battles in a way that lets you actually SEE them, pulling the camera back and stopping the music to let each punch and bang resonate. Thinking back to my annoyance with the well-received Crazies remake (which I disliked for its close quarters-with-no-context fight scenes) makes me appreciate the patience and trust someone like Soderbergh has in his work.

And yet American audiences seem to essentially hate Haywire, awarding it a cinemascore of a D+ and spending their cash instead on George Lucas’ Lando apology or Kate Beckinsale’s leather workout. Did moviegoers feel victim to a bait ‘n switch, expecting ‘splosions and shootouts only to be insulted with storyline and a smidgen of dialogue?

I don’t understand the odd venom for Haywire because you know what? I rather liked it. Gina Carano isn’t an Oscar ready actress, but you know what? She doesn’t have to be. She’s believable, likable, and most importantly, great to watch and that in itself keeps Haywire as a film to care about. The supporting cast is overflowing with Soderbergh vets (Michael Douglas!), personal faves (Bill Paxton!) and underrated stars playing against type (sleazy Antonio Banderas!). While the storyline occasionally feels a tad more complicated than it has to be, it tracks back easily enough once we reach the third act.

Maybe the ending wasn’t big enough for some audiences? I can imagine some viewers may have felt like each fight follows the same beats, meaning the ending (no spoilers) doesn’t satisfy in the more obvious Big Boss Battle route would have. It’s a fair criticism if that’s how you felt, but sit back to consider the fact that this is probably how these fights WOULD flow, and just because MacGregor knows how to use a lightsaber does not mean we should see some Jedi mind tricks in a stylized but reality-based action film. Plus, the final line of the film is kind of hilarious in a simple and wraparound way.

High Points

Ewan MacGregor. Bill Paxton. Antonio Banderas. AND Michael Fassbender?

Apparently Steven Soderbergh has the same taste in man as me.

One of my main irks with the action genre is the cold blooded ambivalence it generally has towards civilian bystanders, giving the audience minor laughs or thrills as random passerbys get caught up in gunfire or used as human shields (I still love you though, Total Recall). While some unlucky folks do find themselves in the way, the character of Mallory actively tries to prevent them from being killed, whether it’s warning some proud state troopers, non-fatally putting down some Spanish officers, or guaranteeing the safety of her game driver

Low Points

Channing Tatum, I understand that you have physical appeal and a weird muse-like hold over your new bestie Steven Soderbergh but please, for the love of all your muscle tees, OPEN YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU SPEAK!

Lessons Learned

Never let an enemy order hot coffee when sitting across from your face

iPhones might have their charms, but nothing says superspy like a burner Blackberry

Don’t forget about the deer. NEVER forget about the deer

See/Skip/Sneak In

I thoroughly enjoyed seeing Haywire on the big screen, but my $11 could easily have been spent on the latest Paracinema Magazine and a few rolls of toilet paper (I ran out). It’s a good film and more importantly, a genuinely special action movie so if you have the time and means, use that cash to make a point about what kind of cinema you’d like to see studios make. Or go see Joyful Noise because Dollywood could always use a new rollercoaster. The choice is yours, but you know what’s not? The freedom to choose which website to visit next. That answer is right here.

2011 Awards, Emily Style

2012-01-29T22:00:00.000-05:00

Hey, not every movie can be awards chloroform like The Artist or Hugo. Some need a little help, even if they already have Mickey Rourke's badass headgear Nicholas Cage's non-accent-in-a-period-film to help them out. Hence, head over to the Gentlemen's Blog to Midnite Cinema for my very own version of the Emily Oscars. There will be clowns, there will be brazen bulls, there will even be Muppets, but sadly there will never, never ever never, be enough dinosaurs.

Go figure out what I mean.

My Bloody Gaekkebrev

2012-01-28T12:02:00.000-05:00

Abandoned mines! Ouja warnings! Zombie attacks! Funny accents!

Eh, we’ll leave the intro right there.

Quick Plot: A nineteenth century pre-credits flashback tells the tale of Andries Martiens, a child killer with a thing for heads-on-stakes.

It’s pointy.

Flash forward to the present day, where a young woman named Kristel wants to take time off from school against the wishes of her historian father. After partying with her not great, not awful friends, Kristel gets a ride home with dad only to end up in a fiery collision that kills him. Survivors guilt is on its way.

To close down some business, Kristel teams up with her okay enough pals for a road trip to a Belgian mine, home to her late father’s final manuscript. What begins as something I would consider an awesome after hours haunted tour (there’s a cheap animatronic and EVERYTHING) turns into disaster when the gang, plus enthusiastic tour leader are stuck underground with the saucy spirit of a 200 year old murderer who can possess dead or dying bodies with zombie-like urgency.

Having based what I knew about Slaughter Night simply on the quick recommendation of my Girls On Film cohostess Cristina and Netflix’s basic description, I was expecting a breezy slasher about pretty Europeans getting face axed, something along the lines of the good, if rote Cold Prey. I *kind of* got that, but Slaughter Night actually offers a lot more. The backstory of the killer is fairly gruesome, and setting the film in a My Bloody Valentine-esque mine (complete with the danger of methane explosions) offers plenty of natural potential. More neatly, the fact that instead of one big lug wielding sharp objects on our young pretty heroes is replaced by the victims rising with glowing eyes and bitey teeth...now that’s new.

High Points

Much like the aforementioned Norwegian Cold Prey, Slaughter Night utilizes excellent gore effects, making head rip-offs wet, juicy, gross, and realistic. Not that I’ve ever SEEN one, but I have my ideas

Low Points

While the teens of Slaughter Night are certainly an improvement over the last few young people in peril films viewed here, they still don’t really register as anything overly special to root for, especially when the seemingly endless supply of blond boys never seems to dwindle

Lessons Learned

Spirits are lousy at spelling

Nothing like popping a pill down a mine!

Having an adverse effect to drugs is never fun, but having an adverse effect to drugs when trapped in a haunted mine is a sure way to kill your buzz

Rent/Bury/Buy

I was more than pleasantly pleased by Slaughter Night, an excellently made slasher with a clever and well-executed zombie twist. The film won’t change your life, but it’s a great way to kill 90 brutal minutes with some great jumps and even better gore.

The 28 Best Movies I Reviewed In 2011. Also, Happy Birthday This

2012-01-25T19:53:00.000-05:00

Don't worry folks. I still have another seven days before I cross a very big milestone in my own count of years (code: I turn 30 next week) but in the meantime, allow me to wish a very happy third birthday to the Deadly Doll's House! As is tradition, I like to take this anniversary to lavish praise upon some of the better films I watched and wrote about this past year, linking to each review via the title.

Let the countdown commence!

28. The Devil’s Chair

Filmmaking team Adam Mason and Simon Boyes annoyed but intrigued me with 2006’s nihilistic Broken, so it was refreshing to see a followup that further developed their strengths. A mental patient (cleverly played by Andrew Howard) leads a team of psychiatrists to an abandoned house where the titular furniture provides a gateway into a Silent Hill-like dimension of brutality. Filled with terrifying imagery, strong performances and surprising twists, it's a great argument for the continued fight that Modern Horror Is Not Dead (it's just sitting in a chair).

27. Leprechaun 3

By no means a masterful film, the third installment of this never-been-great franchise takes Warwick Davis' Irish scamp to Las Vegas where the expected Elvis impersonations ensue. On paper, there's not a whole lot to the pint-sized villain's exploits, but in the hands of genre vet Brian Trenchard-Smith, Leprechaun 3 becomes something truly joyous, a fun but not cloying ride into controlled goofiness. Sometimes the act of enjoying a film is enough to make it number 27.

26. Pieces

What a terribly ridiculous collection of awesome, a 1982 slasher that uses everything from chainsaws to kung fu to tell the story of a college killer being hunted by a geek, a tennis pro, and the most useless batch of police officers since Plan 9 From Outer Space. Pieces is an awful, awful film, but one that exists in that wonderful realm of so-bad-it's-laughably-amazing, a realm I like to call heaven.

25. Pin

If V.C. Andrews had a mannequin fetish, she might have written Pin. Instead, it turns out her future ghostwriter Andrew Neiderman had a mannequin fetish and wrote…Pin. Quirky but not cute, Pin tells the story of a doctor (Terry O’Quinn!) who confuses his children’s understanding of sexuality, thus leading to a promiscuous daughter and repressed son who would rather spend time with a medical dummy Dad used to break bad news. It’s not perfect by any means, but Pin is also something truly unique and special enough in its weirdness to make this list.

24. Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2

Thought I didn’t see the universally panned remake, I have my doubts that 1980’s Jamie Lee Curtis disco fest was THAT much better than its PG13-rated reboot. Despite the presence of Leslie Nielson, Prom Night was a mediocre slasher that had one excellent stalking scene amidst a sea of blandness. Imagine my surprise to discover that the 1986 sequel was actually FUN, a self-aware slasher that incorporates wacky kills with high school humor and, hold your breath, Michael Ironside.

23. Pinocchio’s Revenge

Released around the same time as the goofy (but great) Rumplestilskin, the straight-to-VHS Pinocchio’s Revenge never had much of a positive reputation. I sat down to it expecting a Child’s Play ripoff and silly doll kills. Well, the movie IS a Child’s Play ripoff, but not in the way you think. Instead of a pint-sized fairy tale stabbing ankles around him, Pinocchio seems to put the dirty work in the little hands of his owner, a troubled little girl who might be using the guise of a toy to take vengeance on bullies and would-be stepfathers. Or maybe he’s possessing her. Ambiguity is hardly something I’d associate with ‘90s killer doll films, but this one has a little more ambition in its beady blue eye.

22. Drive-In Horrorshow

Horror anthologies tend to offer the very best and worst of the genre. On one hand, the concise format allows for simple scares or twists. On the other, it can sometimes lead to undisciplined shortcuts or lazy and trite been-there campfire tales. Drive-In Horrorshow takes the anthology and juices it fully with five unique stories that range from clever comedy to dark body horror. Like any anthology, some tales work better than others, but combined in a tight runtime and framed with a groovy post-apocalyptic drive-in setting, this 2009 indie does it right.

21. The Living and the Dead

"I like people."

"Yes son, but they don't like you."

That exchange has stayed with me ever since I sat down to watch Simon Rumley's horrific little drama about a schizophrenic (an incredible Leo Bill), his broke but aristocratic father, and sweet but cancer-ridden mother, all living in a decaying mansion isolated from modern times. Rumley gets a little too eager to boggle his audience's minds with his surreal experimentation, but this film remains a powerful portrait of a failing family unit. Both this and the soon-to-be-mentioned Red White & Blue show Rumley as an exciting new filmmaker who's willing and able to create characters that are too interesting to be classified as good or bad, and all the more tragic for it.

20. The Horde

When it comes to zombies in the 21st century cinema, there are really only two paths to take: 1. Use them as background or a means to explore a deeper topic (Deadgirl, Dead Set, They Came Back) or just tell it like it is REALLY GOOD. Hence, the French action horror The Horde, a fast-paced, fast zombie siege film that does nothing new but everything right.

19. Rare Exports

Misrepresented as a new entry into savage Santa cinema, Rare Exports is something much more special and, well, weird. Part fairy tale and to a lesser extent, horror movie, this yuletide treat keeps you truly surprised with which direction it will take, a rare feat in modern cinema.

16. Deathwatch

I’m often baffled by the lack of war-set horror films, and seeing something as good as Michael J. Bassett’s Deathwatch does little to curb that. Set in the already terrifying trenches of WWI, Deathwatch follows a crew of British soldiers (including Love Actually’s Kris Marshall, Billy Elliot’s Jamie Bell, and Gollum himself, Andy Serkis) as they face impending evil. It’s tense and genuinely scary, marred slightly by cheap-looking CGI but ultimately effective straight down to its final reveal.

15. Insidious

One of the most pleasant theatrical surprises of 2011, James Wan's low budget ghost story (of sorts) actively engages in horror cliches and flicks them away for a good hour. Haunted house? Move out! Lurking figure? Turn the lights on! Evil gnomish demon? Have him dance to Tiny Tim! Yes, it doesn't carry that brilliant energy into its last act, but for almost 75 minutes, Insidious is a scary and strangely funny tale that finds new ways to tell an old story.

14. Don’t Torture a Duckling

While many of my peers gush over the very mention of blood, boobs, & black gloves, the giallo genre has never done much for me. Unnecessarily complicated plots that try to cover up a contrived mystery killer no intelligent person could ever solve? No thanks. Yet when my blogging cohort T.L. Bugg assigned Lucio Fulci's Don't Torture a Duckling, I was hugely surprised at how much I enjoyed it. The cast is top notch ‘70s stars and the killings come from a definite place of motive. Most importantly, however, Don’t Torture a Duckling features the most awesome use of a dummy stunt double in the history of mankind.

13. Q the Winged Serpent

Larry Cohen doesn't make seamless films, but nearly all the ones I've seen soar with a rare sense of fun present in every frame. Q the Winged Serpent is pure Cohen using his favorite tools: a dingy '80s era New York City, over the top effects, and most importantly, a classically insane Michael Moriarity. Less disturbing than something like God Told Me To and not quite as bombastic as The Stuff, Q makes for the kind of watch that is simply entertaining in a big ol’ monster kinda manner.

12. Infestation

My bias must be confessed: big bugs kick ass. Infestation is a gleefully intentional B-movie about a likable mixed bag of survivors who awaken to discover...big bugs. Spider people, flying beatles, and you know, big...really big...bugs. Like a more fully realized Eight Legged Freaks, Infestation revels in its cheese in a so much smarter-than-you-think style. We can only pray to our giant aphid overlords that a sequel scurries our way soon.

11. YellowBrickRoad

Perhaps one of the most pleasant surprises of 2011 for genre fans, this go-crazy-in-the-woods horror movie proceeds with echoes of everything from The Blair Witch Project to The Wizard of Oz yet still manages to be its own original and genuinely surprising treat. The cast of mostly unknowns is universally believable, while the script toes dangerous lines between black comedy and visceral scares. Although the ending doesn’t quite satisfy the strengths that came before it, YellowBrickRoad remains a scarily good trip into modern horror.

10. The Vanishing

George Sluizer’s infamous 1988 thriller is every bit as intense and nail-biting as its reputation leads you to believe. Even if you know the big surprise of an ending (as I did), the film remains a fascinatingly stark look at both obsession and sociopathy. Skip Sluizer’s own American remake (complete with Jeff Bridges speaking like his mouth is stuffed with marshmallows and a token Hollywood happy ending) and save this original dark tale for the kind of day when you need to remember there’s evil in this world.

9. They Came Back

Less horror than...philosophy? magical realism? It's hard to say. This French film begins on a perfectly novel idea: one sunny summer day, the dead return to life not to eat the living's flesh, but to just...sort of...be there. Your late fiancee now lays in bed next to you not sleeping. Your tragically killed child now sits in a park...not playing. Tax collectors get confused. City councils meet in frustration. They Came Back could be considered a metaphor for a lot of things--the grieving process, immigration policy, local administration--and that's kind of its beauty. This is a quiet, thoughtful film that opens itself up to questions with no easy answers.

8. The Innocents

When accepting movie recommendations, one could do worse than following the advice of Martin Scorscese. 1964's The Innocents has long topped those lists of forgotten horror classics, often being overshadowed by the better known The Haunting. It's a shame. Starring an effectively cold Deborah Kerr as a frigid governess, the film adapts Henry James' The Turn of the Screw into chilling gothic black and white horror. From the eeriness of British children laughing to the masterful use of shadows, The Innocents represents subtle horror at its best.

7. Class of 1984

Legendary is my love of the pseudo sequel Class of 1999, but this youth-gone-wild punk rock trip is a surprisingly strong piece of ‘80s Canuxploitation. Director Mark Lester imbues his film with grand energy, from the kicking score to over the top costume design and most importantly, fully committed performances from the likes of a baby-faced Timothy Van Patten and a brilliantly losing-his-mind Roddy McDowell.

6. Red White & Blue

If I could give an award for Film That Most Improves The More You Sit Back From It, Red White & Blue would be wearing a tiara and cup waving from on high. Director Simon Rumley already demonstrated a harsh sense of filmmaking bravery (as well as a strong hold on performances) with the aforementioned The Living and the Dead, and with this 2011 followup, he takes horror to a new level. Three strangers--fantastically played by a terrifying Noah Taylor, complicatedly likable Marc Senter, and astoundingly understated Amanda Fuller--find their lives tragically intertwined through an endless cycle of disease and violence. I wouldn't dream of spoiling this film, and while it's not for the weak of heart (or stomach) and won't make you want to smile (ever again), it's a feat of filmmaking and--broken record alert--more proof that genre cinema is doing just fine.

5. Cold Fish

Sion Sono is easily one of the most unique filmmakers working today,a former poet who now uses his camera to explore everything from true love to adolescent angst to parental incompetence and, when in doubt, crazy religious cults. Cold Fish is one of his more disciplined journeys through these kinds of places, following a timid tropical fish store owner/frustrated father through a terrifying friendship with an enigmatic serial killer. It's as funny as it is twisted, and while it doesn't necessarily blaze new trails in the way Suicide Club made viewers rethink schoolgirls on subways, it's still a juicy ride somewhere you've never thought to go.

4. Visiting Hours

The fact that Michael Ironside headlines this film was already enough for me to endorse it as a hearty recommendation, so the fact that it's actually A REALLY GOOD FILM is just gravy on the mozzarella cheese fries. This recently rereleased Video Nasty (Brits are such squares) immediately became one of my all-time favorite slashers boasting a formidable villain (sociopathic Ironside with mommy issues galore and pleather tanktops in his closet), strong final 'girls' and a superbly haunting hospital setting. A true hidden treasure of the 80s.

3. Stake Land

I imagine--and hope--that I'm not alone as a cinema fan in finding true joy when I get to watch enthusiastic filmmakers grow and improve with each project. Director/writer Jim Mickle and actor/cowriter Nick Damici's Mulberry Street showed incredible promise, but it's their epic post-apocalyptic vampire yarn that demonstrates the goods. Much like Mulberry Street, Stake Land's biggest strength lies not in its cast, but in the filmmakers' castING. Most horror films--low budget indies in particular--grab the nearest nubile bodies and slap them with sexy clothing and bland backstories. But let's face it: when the apocalypse hits, there will be as many able-bodied soldiers as there are middle-aged nuns, 40something men with weathered skin and scrappy orphan boys learning the trade. Stake Land makes its wasteland environment all the more believable because its occupants are people we know. As its heroes wander through a hell filled with supernatural cannibals and murderous religious fanatics, Mickle and Damici ground their tale in its survivors, pausing to remember life's treasures before vampires are dropped on top of it.

2. A Simple Plan

The essence of A Simple Plan is--forgive me--quite simple. A good man's soul can be corrupted by a bagful of money if he lets it happen. In the hands of Sam Raimi and his able cast, it's a great thing that said good man is Bill Paxton, his wife, a Lady MacBeth in the making Bridget Fonda, and brother, an incredibly sympathetic Billy Bob Thornton. The film flows like a modern Shakespeare tragedy about everyday folks who allow themselves to dream too high, only to then become all too ready to do what it takes to make those dreams come true.

1. Nosferatu

I've never been the biggest Dracula fan, making the fact that Werner Herzog's 1979 adaptation (don't let the title fool you) landed the top spot of my year-end list all the more impressive. From Klaus Kinski's shivering vamp to Isabelle Adjani's haunting expressions, Herzog zeroes in on his instruments' strengths and amplifies them to his own tune. Along the way, we get breathtaking imagery from every direction and even, just for kicks, a full plague subplot. It’s the equivalent of drinking the best cup of hot chocolate you’ve ever had, complete with fluffy marshmallows, the world’s finest whipped cream, elite chocolate shavings grounded fresh from Willy Wonka’s factory, and stirred with a decadent cinnamon stick. The only catch is that it might have been made with read dead rats, but hey, everything has its price, and great cinema is rarely not worth it.

Lessons Learned: The 3rd Year Edition

2012-01-23T07:49:00.000-05:00

It’s that time of the year again Doll’s Houseguests! In the penultimate post before this here li’l blog’s third birthday, I (as always) like to celebrate the REAL reason I watch movies: education. From British sleepwear to the real horrors of stoning, I’ve compiled an extensive cheat sheet culled from a full year’s worth of reviews. Read on to learn about a variety of subjects that will make you a more smarter person and click on each title for the full review.

Glasses and bun not included

Culinary Arts & Fine Dining

Unlike burgers or a fine Ver-sace gown, Alien baked brownies do indeed suck--The Unhuman

You can always count on a diner waitress to be named Midge. Also, for her to burn people alive--Dead and Buried

Creepy backwoods preacher men aren't particularly interested in your newfound decision to go vegan--Children of the Corn: Genesis

Wieners don't have to be boring, you know--7 Dwarfs

Never send a diner burger back to a Texas kitchen--Red White & Blue

Beans is good. Just heat ‘em up and they’re good to go*

*Ancient Iroquois wisdom --Skeleton Man

Rules of the Road

There’s an art to a good convoy, and it apparently includes introducing yourself awkwardly at rest stops--Amusement

When choosing one's vehicle for vampire hunting in the post-apocalypse, always consider the mechanics of the trunk--Stake Land

Doctors notes for claustrophobia do not get you out of wearing your seatbelt--The Vanishing

If planning on speeding through Paris in a car chase to escape murderous/carsick goons, always be sure to pack the right high energy mixed tape--Subway

Math Class Is Hard

If you use your rifle to secure every door you close behind you, you will eventually run out of rifles--The Horde

Counting down from 100 by 7s is hard at any age--Pin

English Grammar & Vocabulary

The definition of a Las Vegas penis: heat sinking moisture missile--Leprechaun 3

The word ‘crap’ is quite tacky--Holiday In Handcuffs

Sometimes an apostrophe can go wherever it wants, whether it belongs there or not. Hello, Dream Model’s!--Birdemic

In flight attendant speak, engaged does not equal dead. In horror movie speak, it just means not dead until 30 minutes into the film --Quarantine 2: Terminal

Small Town Matters

Too much riff-raff will give a town a bad name--Trog

Small towns are often victim to plot points that involve unread faxes--Christmas Caper

Town dumps are generally closed on Thanksgiving--Alice’s Restaurant

Campus Life

In order to keep your enjoyable teaching job, remember to occasionally go to school and teach--Ghost Story

Sororities aren’t all that bad. They just make you do horrible things to test your loyalty--The Initiation of Sarah

The best way to seduce a sexy coed is to slowwwwwwwwwwwly take your shirt off and let her stare at your chest for approximately 45 seconds--Silent Scream

If going on a coed camping trip with a bunch of college students, expect that every attached male will be aggressively hitting on every attached female--The Fear

Frat houses tend to keep a ready inventory of industrial strength waterproof glue on hand, perhaps to ensure football trophies can always be safely put back together in case of accidents--Drive-In Horrorshow

When filling out your college housing application, don't forget to make a special note that you're allergic to theater majors--Red Hook

Global Studies

In Norwegian, “This is going to hurt a little” translates as “This will cause searing pain that will make you wish you were dead”--Cold Prey

You're never too old to play with dolls, at least not in Lapland--Rare Exports

There are no black people in snowglobes--Snowglobe

If you’re from the Valley, you are also not smart--Haunted Boat

No one goes without a hat in China--Tremors 4

African blonds get incredibly offended when no one will sleep with them. They also dress in the kind of Sexy Policewoman costumes generally reserved for Halloween stores or adult shops--Snake Island

Diener is German for servant...and there’s nothing weird about a white doctor pointedly telling that to his black assistant--April Fools

In the 1970s, Korea was home to many statues of tiny cows--A*P*E

Animal Care

After future pet DJ Chocolate Thunder, my next cat will be named Claws Kinski--Crawlspace

Low down kai-oats are responsible for most problems in the world--The Terror of Tiny Town

Parenting & Child Rearing

Small children shouldn’t have pillows--The Nanny

James Brown is almost as good as Daddy--Call Me Claus

When giving birth, one can expect the following:

Pain

Contractions

You’ll push and push

There will be a little head

Then you push again

Then something emerges, just like a baby dolphin

Oh, and finally, you’ll cut the cord yourself--Baby Blood

In addition to producing vitamins and soreness, breastfeeding might provide you with a brand new sense of Shakespearean villainy--A Simple Plan

The best way to show your unhappy psychic teenage daughter that you love her is to send the kid four thousand miles away for the next year of her life--The Spell

Much like those hungry Cabbage Patch Kids form the late ‘90s, feeding a tree bark baby will run you the risk of having your ponytail eaten as dessert--Little Otik

You know you have an absentee dad when only the butler knows how you take your steak--Cancel Christmas

Always dress your child in bright colors, particularly if you’re going to be chasing her around in the dark woods for the bulk of your story and a shimmery yellow raincoat improves visibility tenfold--Wake Wood

The Human Body

After being stabbed in the gut, the best course of action is to drink water and dab the wound with a fluffy towel--Blood Games

A piece of tattooed flesh will last several weeks when safely stored in a Ziploc bag--The Fan

A bullet in your gut won’t kill you, but one in your upper left breastbone six inches away from your heart will do so instantly--Blood Harvest

Skin-melting acid will not harm your body if you immediately remove all clothing as soon as it touches you--Roller Blade

Getting stabbed in the neck with a pen kind of hurts--Cold Fish

When a bullet grazes you, it also knocks you out and makes you bleed profusely to the point that in no way could you possibly be mistaken for alive--Halloween: Water

The human heart has four chambers and if you don’t know that, Roddy McDowell will blow your face off--Class of 1984

Modern Medicine & the Healthcare Field

An allergy to anesthesia can be a pain, but if you happen to have a fetish for that kind of thing, it's also really convenient--Oral Fixation

Always read up on whatever hospital you’re admitted to. It’d be a shame if you end up in one where no nurses ever stop by to check your life support system’s status--Pinocchio’s Revenge

The biggest limitation of the medical profession is that you can’t write a prescription to fight evil--The Devil Within Her

The Best Rest
If you’re having trouble sleeping after a traumatic event, perhaps setting an evil-looking doll facing your bed is not the best idea, particularly when said evil-looking doll was delivered to you mere moments before said traumatic event--Dead Silence

Survivalism

Real survivalists pack extra double AAs--Infestation

When your clown dolls tell you to stop asking questions, stop...asking...questions--Shattered Lives

Never underestimate the importance of glow sticks. Never.--Vanishing On 7th Street

Morse Code: Learn It. Love it. Live It.--Maximum Overdrive

Choosing to live or not to live just depends on you...and those orchestrating a lethal and secluded game of amateur paintball--Paintball

Do not, for the health and happiness of all, mess with Armand Assante's breakfast routine--Dot.Kill

History Lessons

1980s era blonds were allergic to bras--Bloody Birthday

Contrary to popular belief, Romans did not keep pet dinosaurs--The Lair of the White Worm

Breast implants, tattoos, and hoop earrings were popular choices for 1880s saloon prostitutes--7 Mummies

Any movie made in the ‘90s that featured pregnancy as a major plot point was required to culminate in multiple babies being frantically born on the same stressful evening (see Father of the Bride Part 2, Nine Months)--Junior

In 1964, the price for a slightly used life was precisely three times a regular salary--The Flesh Eaters

The Awkward Shimmy rivaled The Charleston for popular dances of the 1920s--The Nutcracker In 3D

Humanitarian Efforts

You know, there are starving children in China who would kill to eat those grapes. (Note: this comment is directed towards vampires who seem to thrive on wasting decadent banquets)--Nosferatu

Fashion Sense

One would assume skin-tight leather pants are a poor choice when planning on engaging in street battles with talented martial artists. One would be so very, very very, very wrong--Gangland

Always get two purses in the same design (make one beige) so you can sneak out the window when scared of midgets--Unborn Sins

Oversized sweaters with full body bald eagle prints will drive the male mall crowd WILD--The Kiss

What's in for goblin style in 2010: Assless chaps, Grim Reaper hoodies, and bone earrings--Goblin

So long as the snow is falling in an elegant manner, there’s no need to ever put on a sweater--Red Riding Hood

It is possible to look good in a green lame three-piece suit. It’s possible, but not easy for mere mortals. Not easy at all...--Rockers

Stink + satin = bad times--Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2

Afterschool Activities

One can learn how to play the drums in the same short amount of time it takes to learn rough conversational Portuguese--Love Actually

Hair Tips

Corn rows flatter no white woman--Stuck

In death, your hair will grow to appropriate J-horror ghostess lengths--Phone

Bad bangs are often a sign of a bad soul--Blood Gnomes

Pompadours don't look any more normal on gothic children than they do on Korean dictators--The Innocents

Ethics

It’s wrong to steal (it’s in the Bible and it’s one of the 10 commandments)--Black Devil Doll From Hell

Sleepwear

British people have odd ideas of pajamas, unless skeleton t-shirts, white riding pants, and boots are actually comfortable--The Devil’s Chair

Matching your pajamas to your family members is really just asking for a demon thing to come take one of you away--Insidious

Sleeping in the nude can be slightly inconvenient, especially if you're babysitting small children or expecting a serial killer to break in--Visiting Hours

Military Intelligence

The typical uniform for a S.W.A.T. team member involves a comfortably loose-fitting t-shirt--Are You Scared

Mimes can make surprisingly effective--and silent--spies--Q The Winged Serpent

Criminal Justice
Never kick away evidence at a murder scene when the ominous score is so clearly telling you not to--Don’t Torture a Duckling

You can’t break a cop’s wrist! (except you totally can)--Witch’s Sabbath

In prison, being someone’s bitch means you have to help sneak in their drugs. And that’s just about it--Dangerous Worry Dolls

Avoid trusting police officers with questionable diamond earrings--Nite Tales

Undercover policing is strictly volunteer--Pieces

When describing a killer to a cop, be sure to list his size, whether he has a chain, and if there's a hole inside of his head. Most law enforcement employees will nail that one on the first try--See No Evil

Instincts don’t solve cases--Exte

Like so much else in Italy, policeman pants are exceedingly sexy--Spellcaster

The best way to unite warring youth gangs is to make them band together in an effort to battle Hyena People--Hyenas

Much to the chagrin of eager cleaning ladies, one cannot just dust around fingerprints at a crime scene--The Blob

Responsible Ownership
A cell phone’s place is never in the bathroom. Really people, you’re in a horror movie set in the 21st century. Don’t give the Laws of Getting Rid of Phones any leeway--I Spit On Your Grave

Before activating your apocalyptic vampire relic, you should really consider reading that owner’s manual--Dylan Dog: Dead of Night

Love & Dating
"I say we just go back to your house and make out” might SOUND sexy in your head, but saying it out loud will most certainly lead instead to a group date--House of Fears

Telling folks that your dad is Mick Jagger won’t get you chicks, but it will get you a free round of fancy martinis--Gossip

You should know you’re on a date from hell when your gentleman caller earnestly asks “Tell me more about your mother”--Starved

Post-coital secret sharing only works when you or your partner enjoy the coitus--Forest of Death

Post widowering, one shouldn’t talk about setting down, but GETTING down--A Christmas Wedding Tail

A great way to meet an eligible bachelor? Fight off a rapist down the hall--Scissors

The best way to rekindle romance is to be impregnated in the back by a Native American medicine man--The Manitou

The Feminine Mystique

Bitches always keep their last names--5ive Girls

Arms & Weaponry
Rocket launchers are surprisingly lightweight--Karoake Terror

Chekhov’s Law: If a homemade mace is introduced in the first reel, you best use that homemade mace by the fifth--Deathwatch

A samurai is also known as a hobo with a sword--Doll Graveyard

The longbow is quicker to load AND farther in flight. Take THAT buck of tar!--Black Death

The greatest war tactic of all time might indeed involve unleashing your secret weapon upon the enemy, and by secret weapon, I am of course referring to a clown armed with a machete--The Last Circus

Office Relations
Before you can confess your sins to your employer, you must first be friends--Attack of the Puppet People

Heroism
Any red-blooded American would climb up an elevator shaft--The Falling

When the going gets tough, the tough order pineapple pie with ice cream on top --Day of the Animals

Family Dynamics

Slutty sisters let their toenails grow insanely long--Trilogy of Terror

A daughter who has to pee is a great ticket out of a dull conversation about your work--Beware! Children At Play

In the 1970s, fondling your sister was one way to make a living--The Sentinel

Biology 101

A shiv is not the recommended weapon when facing a grizzly bear--Grizzly Park

Sharks love seals (and really, who doesn't?)--The Reef

Sensory Pleasures

Pop is the sound of Gary Coleman bursting your bubble--A Carol Christmas

Introduction to Anthropology

People who feel like outcasts and spend the majority of their lives whining about the world on the Internet are generally much more in shape and attractive than the majority of happy well-adjusted members of society--The Hanged Man

American accents are a recessive gene--Melancholia

Bathing & Hygiene
Stoning completely ruins your makeup--Christmas With a Capital C

Taking a bath when cast in a horror film is one of the dumbest things a woman can do--The Sitter

Having your face shoved in tropical mud on a weekly basis can do wonders for your complexion--Boot Camp

Real Estate For Dummies
Your first mistake in obtaining a haunted house: purchasing your home from a mall-stationed real estate agency and a man with a shiny ponytail--The Baby’s Room

And there you have it students! I guarantee that at least one of these lessons is on its way to making you a happier, smarter, braver, talenteder person than five minutes before reading this. Don't forget to come back Wednesday for the Doll's House OFFICIAL 3rd birthday, where we party hard by remembering the best films I watched here this year. In the meantime, celebrate your newfound smartness!

Contest Results!

2012-01-20T07:37:00.000-05:00

I ran a contest!

And in true Doll’s House tradition, I was extremely tardy with delivering the results. But there’s a kicker to all my laziness, and that kicker means everyone’s a winner!

Due to the generosity of Drive-In Horrorshow/Infinite Santa 8000 team Grimm Pictures, I’ve got more than enough swag to go around. And since a lucky seven readers had the dedication and good taste to put down the Christmas cookies and take a break from caroling long enough to send in entries, each will receive a special package with a few goodies mailed their way.

Best of all (for me) is the ring of recommendations I got for next year’s Decemberstravaganza! Here they are, starting with the one and only man behind Not This Time, Nayland Smith, Chris Hewson:

My favourite Christmas-based film is the action/sci-fi, Trancers (aka Future Cop). It's a fun action film that, other than having a kickass protag (Tim Thomerson as JACK DETH) it's brisk and has a quick pace at only 75 minutes long. Other points are that it has a fight between zombie (kinda)-Santa and JACK DETH, and that its four sequels are just as entertaining! The sequels are ALL insane amounts of fun! And the series has a kickass theme tune too!

--While I’ve delved into Dollman like any short Bronxite, I confess to never actually watching Thomerson’s other big franchise. Now that I know it has at least something to do with Christmas, I fully expect to put it on December’s calendar.

Up next is Nicole, aka the Living Dead Girl with something more cuddly:

Okay I thought about using any number of Christmas themed horror flicks that I enjoyed (Santa's Slay, if you haven't seen it, rocks way harder than I'd have imagined. I'm not saying it's a GOOD movie, but it's bad in all the best ways and a lot of fun. And I have an addiction to lengthy parenthetical asides. Sorry about that.) but that would be disingenuous. Truth be told, while most of the time the more bare tits, terror, chainsaws, creepy Japanese ghost kids and blood the better... at Christmas there's one movie that warms my orange and black little heart like no other. And that movie is...

Emmet Otter's Jugband Christmas

(STOP JUDGING ME!)

It's got ridiculously cute little characters (Jim Henson did it so Kermit makes an appearance at the beginning but then Emmet, Ma and the gang take center stage), a song which includes the lyric "They made curtains and handkerchiefs and clothing for the poooor... from the one bathing suit that your grandma otter wooooore!", a jugband song that will NEVER be out of your head once you hear it. That little movie is comfort food for my soul. I LOVE it.

Sorry I went over the 2-3 sentences suggestion. If it helps my chances any, I have a drawer filled mostly with googly eyes, condoms and Pez (so clearly, I'm just not right) and my Cockatiel, Foofer, hopes I'll win.

Thanks and Merry Cthulhumas! May you be eaten last.

P.S. Coming in at a painfully close second is A Garfield Christmas.

Dear Nicole, never in my life would I judge thee for choosing ANYTHING Jim Henson related. I only caught Emmet Otter this past year when it magically landed on Netflix Instant (along with the equally tear-inducing Christmas Toy) and my goodness, everything you say is true to the extreme. The Paul Williams' songs are incredible and I almost hate you for getting Ain't No Hole In a Washtub stuck back in my head. It's a sweet, moving, and painfully adorable tale that I only regret not watching for the past 29 Christmases!

And now we move onto an ace pick from Chris Love:

To answer the question posed on your blog "What is your favorite December holiday film and why", I will say it's Christmas Evil (a.k.a. You Better Watch Out). The idea of a man so obsessed with the holiday that he actually takes on the persona of Santa Claus throughout the year to me is both extremely creepy, and somewhat heartfelt at the same time due to Brandon Maggart's portrayal of the holiday obsessed man not being one note. While yeah, he does do bad things, you can understand where he's coming from, and you actually start rooting for him. It's his acting that takes a story that's pretty silly and elevates it into something great. Plus, that totally out there ending is a thing of beauty!

And I will say this... Silent Night Deadly Night 2? My second favorite holiday horror film of all time (no lie!). Sure, Garbage Day! is an awesome sequence, but when Ricky kills the blonde douchebag with the jumper cables, then his girlfriend starts yelling at him? Awesome-ness! "Punish!" "Uh-oh!" :)

Chris, be still my heart. As my old review of Christmas Evil shows, I absolutely adore that film. It's truly a special entry into the holiday horror canon, with a wonderful central performance and heartfelt theme. And "uh-oh" remains one of the best reactions to watching your boyfriend electrocute your ex-boyfriend ever captured on camera!

Moving onto more intentionally comedic films, Aaron of The Death Rattle and keeper of the Gentlemen's Blog to Midnite Cinema asks us to put a little love in our hearts:

My favorite holiday/Christmas film frequently changes and I don't have a mandatory film that I watch during the holiday season, but right now my favorite is Scrooged, starring Bill Murray; it's always been a favorite of mine, I love the feel-good breaking the fourth wall ending, and it's the movie that I'll be watching at some point on or around Christmas this year. I'm thinking a double feature of Scrooged and Santa's Slay (another favorite). Thanks!

Ah Aaron, I can't get through December without watching Carol Kane beat the chiffon out of Bill Murray. Funny to see so much love for Santa's Slay, a film I was fairly underwhelmed by a few years back because I felt it tried a touch too hard. Perhaps Christmas 2012 will be a chance to revisit and see if my opinions change, providing the world is still spinning by then.

Keeping it in the comedic vein is everyone's favorite cannibal, Mattsuzaka of Chuck Norris Ate My Baby. In his words:

After some serious internal debate, my answer is Gremlins. Gremlins narrowly beats out A Christmas Story as my favorite Holiday/December thingy movie because it has so many things that I love: Christmas, snow, Phoebe Cates (sigh), monsters, humor, horror, old Asian men, and Dick Miller.

Nothing to argue with there! Gremlins is the kind of film I sit down for every few years, and it never gets tired. As dark as comedy can get while still being funny, yet still packed with genuine scares...plus, let's face it, the cutest li'l creature to grace our screens in the '80s:

It's almost illegally adorable!

Staying firmly in the '80s is Craig's vote for the only film that I know of to combine Christmas elves with Nazi medical experimentation:

I am sure someone has already submitted this, but...

because traditional Christmas recycles the same tired mythology over and over (fat man in suit with toys, reindeer, Grither, zzz). ELVES incorporates all other elements of import to Western civilization like how to chain-smoke with a beard, abusive TV MILFs, and elf-science Nazis. Everything that you need to know to be a good citizen is in ELVES. They should just screen it for community college students, cancel the next two years of classes, and send them off to be paleontologists and English teachers and shit. The money saved could fill the Medicare donut hole!

But, really, EMMET OTTER'S JUG BAND CHRISTMAS should win this. And your blog is AWESOME...

Oh Craig, flattery is always appreciated (P.S.: remind me who to make that check out to). I haven't seen Elves since I was but a wee elf myself, but just about everything you said about it makes me think I NEED to rewatch it if I want to be a better person. Maybe I'll carefully time it for this coming early December so as to clean my slate in time for a Santa visit.

Lastly but in no ways leastly is Ron's puntastic explanation for one of cinema's first real slashers:

Hello and please AXE-CEPT (I know corny as hell) my comment entry into the 'An Infinite (Kinda) Giveaway! Fangs for the opportunity! (I know, I know...another lame pun/play on words...I probably already disqualified myself and and lost the contest in advance)! But here's my entry nonetheless"

For me, I really love the work of the late, great Bob Clark, a man who had such varied aplomb in the language of film that he successfully made two of the most diametrically opposed Christmas films of all time...BLACK CHRISTMAS (1974) and A CHRISTMAS STORY (1983). While most are no doubt familiar with the latter, it's Clark's BLACK CHRISTMAS, for me! The precursor to the American slasher subgenre, that is bestowed the highest gift on my Christmas film favorites list. Abominable remake aside, BLACK CHRISTMAS not only set the bar, it pretty much authored the rules of the game. A lone stalker, identified through shaky POV shots, taunts and tortures a harem of sorority girls. Sound familiar? A harasser calling from inside the house? Banging any chimes? Thing is, aside from the pioneering, the film is actually anchored by good storytelling and solid performances from good actors. Keir Dullea, Margot Kidder, John Saxon...these are pros' pros...and what could easily be cast aside as B-movie pabulum actually turns out to be something far greater! At least for me, and I'm sure, thousands of other horror fans!

Have a Horrifically Wonderful AXE-MAS ...ahem... X-MAS! :-)

You know, I realized this year--and Ron's explanation certainly helps confirm it--that I REALLY need to give Black Christmas another go. I've only watched it one time, on a small computer screen with poor audio. Perhaps the time hath come to revisit one of the genre's most important--and yet in many ways, underappreciated--gems.

Preferably with a drink mixed by Margot

Thanks again to everyone for the entries! Now you just have to wait for me to ride my reindeer to the post office and get mailing (note: the apocalypse might happen before that does).

The Sitter That Rocks the Cradle

2012-01-18T07:40:00.000-05:00

What can I say? I'm an easy sell.

Quick Plot: Attractive college graduate Abby takes a job as a live-in babysitter* to the Eastmans, an upper middle class with a working PR mom (played by Lifetime vet Gail O’Grady), struggling lawyer dad, sweet daughter and sullen son. Before you can say Julianne Moore dead in a greenhouse, Abby is slashing through nosy neighbors who threaten her odds at becoming the new Mrs. Eastman.

Save for an Ernie Hudson stand-in and cry wolf molestation subplot, The Sitter (aka While the Children Sleep) is essentially The Hand That Rocks the Cradle for a 21st century Lifetime audience.

How Hand Rocks the Cradle is it, you ask? There’s a hard-edged best friend whose face meets a plastic bag JUST as she’s about to warn the family about its ne’er do well nanny. A close-knit friendship that makes you wonder if the eldest daughter will indeed choose Abby over her mother. Just enough paranoia on Mrs. Eastman’s part to cause a minor marriage rift. Heck, there’s even a subtle Fatal Attraction throwback when Abby threatens to skin a school bully like a rabbit.

As you do when aiming for Babysitter of the Year.

There’s virtually nothing original about The Sitter, directed by Russell Highlander Mulcahy. It’s the kind of film that insists on underscoring 80% of its runtime with ominous instrumental music, so that when what should be a perfectly innocent conversation with Abby and her charge occurs, all we hear is eviiiiiiiiil musical cues to ensure we KNOW not to trust this seemingly friendly young woman.

The camera and soundtrack work extra hard to inform us that Mariana Klaveno’s Abby is a baaaaad girl, so much so that by the time she’s standing in the pouring rain and replaying conversations in her head and waving a shovel over a lecherous lawyer’s face, we’re ready to rock...

the cradle.

High Points

For a Lifetime original, The Sitter offers a surprising amount of violence via everything from knife to ax to shovel to stairs

Low Points

If you watched this year’s Halloween episode of the It Better Be Renewed Community, then you might have chuckled at Abed’s insistence that hearing a relevant news broadcast at the exact moment of turning on the radio is unbelievable. Well, so is turning the TV on in the middle of a conversation about your missing friend only to IMMEDIATELY notice that hey, doesn’t that car on the newscast look like the car of your missing friend?

Lessons Learned

Multiplication tables suck

Everybody loves free booze

Before spilling family secrets or discussing the suspiciousness of your new babysitter, you might want to take notice of the fact that your bedroom wall--which of course, separates you from babysitter in question--is thinner than Lara Flynn Boyle after mono

Taking a bath when cast in a horror film is one of the dumbest things a woman can do

Rent/Bury/Buy

The Sitter is streaming on Netflix, and while it’s not particularly good, it’s competent and trashy enough to serve as a solid 90 minute time waster. It’s a little meaner than what you’d expect from Lifetime and as a result, more fun than a rerun of The Nanny.

*Is the fact that The Nanny such a big hit on Lifetime reason enough for nobody in The Sitter to ever refer to the live-in babysitter as, you know, a nanny?

Bear No Evil

2012-01-15T16:52:00.000-05:00

I love movies made by people just visiting this planet. Often these extraterrestrials with a penchant for midnight filmmaking are disguised as foreigners, like the enigmatic Tommy Wiseau or Birdemic’s James Nguyen. We laugh at their incompetence, stoning up our faces only if and when we discover these men or women are in on the joke. Nobody should make The Room with the intention of making The Room, and if they did, then let us banish them to a vault of phonies currently occupied by Troma trolls.

Tom Skulls, the mind behind Grizzly Park, is a riddle wrapped inside a ridiculously great name. With only this film to his credit, it’s impossible to know what he’s capable (or incapable) of doing, and more importantly, just how self-aware this bizarrely bad nature amok horror film is. The movie is poorly acted, paced, and written, but certain touches seem to hint at this man being in on his own joke.

Color me perplexed.

Quick Plot: We start on a biblical quote about bears, something I didn’t know existed.

We move on.

It’s closing season for Grizzly Park, a foresty paradise prone to wildfires, rattlesnakes, and once upon a time, bear attacks. Before Ranger Bob (Glenn Morshower) sets his stiff hat down for winter, the no-nonsense mountain man must lead a group of juvenile delinquents with cute misdemeanors like statutory rape on a weeklong cleaning hike, pausing to break up mild fights, ask the kids about their spotty pasts, and try his best to keep them from sexing up the wilderness. There’s also the slightly more pressing matters involving an escaped murderer masquerading as a corrections officer and, you know, man-eating grizzly bears trying to fill up before winter hibernation.

So yes, Grizzly Park is essentially a remake of See No Evil with Kane’s lead villain now being played by Brody the Bear.

Replace some of that film’s messy CGI with scenes that instead focus on characters screaming cut with quick shots of Brody roaring, characters screaming with blood on them cut with more quick shots of Brody, and longer shots of Brody followed by juicy prosthetic limbs and you’ve got something of a movie.

I think.

I say something because Grizzly Park’s script feels like it was penned by an eighth grader trying to get extra credit by handing in a one-act play inspired by The Call of the Wild. Observe such dialogue:

“I could really use a beer.”

“Oh! I could drink one.”

Is this a joke I’m not getting? How about one character’s rationalization of the theory of relativity in regards to being lost in the woods:

“If a tree falls in a forest, do you hear the tree? How do you know [we’ve been walking for] more than 10 minutes?”

Clearly someone paid attention when watching Nathan Lane butcher Tchaikovsky in The Nutcracker In 3D!

Remember how See No Evil introduced its unmemorable teenage bait? There was a freeze frame on their pretty young faces as text read out their names and crimes. Grizzly Park isn’t quite as advanced. As each kid boards the park bus, the film presents their mug shot. Not their rap sheet, especially since most of their crimes are saved as a later reveal because we’re supposed to care enough to be curious. Nope. Just their faces in black and white, with an indicator of their height behind them. Note that this happens before most have even spoken, promising that we’ll remember each attractive mug because…um…we care?

To be kind, Grizzly Park does help us decipher characters with ease, primarily because each embodies a stereotype so strongly, it’s impossible to misidentify anyone. Upon roll call, The Black Guy affirms his presence with “In the house,” kindly telling the audience that he is The Black Guy.

The Rich Guy ties his sweater over his shoulders and is a The Third, ensuring we’ll know that the white guy with the sweater is rich. A kid named—I kid you not—Trickster plays, get this, practical jokes. There's a spoiled blond who packs designer heels for a camping trip because that’s just what spoiled blonds do (they also, just like in See No Evil, chat obnoxiously on cell phones but you already knew that).

Scab is a white supremacist who huffs Pam cooking spray and therefore can be excused for acting like a space alien or someone trying to make sense out of the script. There’s a Latina with gang associations because, you know, she’s Latina. The girl with the biggest breasts is stupid, since that’s how anatomy works. In a feat of restraint, the Asian girl isn’t the computer whiz but a terrible person who tried to kill her mother.

Actually, ALL the kids are horrid, horrid, and horridly irredeemable people, something that makes me almost wonder if Tom Skulls is a smarter screenwriter than I’m giving him credit for. There’s no way we’re NOT expected to hate these kids, and thus, when the bear (and occasionally, wolf) feasting begins, we have nothing to do but cheer as their Maxim caliber bodies are torn into bloody bits. Considering the only mildly likable character (yes, it’s the one with big boobs)’s best moment comes at her thrill at seeing a picnic table (dialogue: “Oh goodie! A picnic table!”) I have to tip my ranger hat to its source.

Grizzly Park IS funny, and its humorous nihilism is surely intentional. I don’t doubt that Tom Skulls (seriously, Tom Skulls) was having fun with camera ogling hot bodies on evil people before literally tearing them in half. But the film is just so strangely made that I hesitate to call it fully self-aware. Is a five-minute underwear-clad coed bathing scene supposed to just SIT THERE in the middle of the film, with music playing as we gaze at wordless actors passing soap around for, did I mention, FIVE MINUTES?

How about that subplot involving a serial killer, the one who’s supposed to be a viciously violent murderer and rapist. Isn’t that supposed to create tension? Sure…or the killer could just get eaten first, well before he even has an inch of a chance at cutting up anyone pretty. Oh, by “eaten first,” I don’t mean in the prologue: I mean 30 minutes into the film, which then gives us another 15 of the young cast complaining and washing off skunk spray before anyone else dies. Tom Skulls wants you to wait.

Ultimately, I’m just baffled by Grizzly Park, and that was well before I got to the rather insane silly-cone twist ending.

That in itself should make you want to watch this movie.

High Points

My bear hand applause goes out to the makeup and special effects team, who do a fine and gory job of showing some gooey bear aftermath (including a hilarious half-face discovery that makes you wonder how skin actually works)

There’s some clever use of that famously annoying camp song “I Met a Bear” in play throughout the film. Though I could’ve done without the five minute montage it played over as the stereo—er, characters were introduced, it was still vaguely cute

Low Points

Part of my reasoning for watching this movie—aside from the fact that it features a bear killing people—was that Whitney demon mother Whitney Cummings was listed in the cast. Killer bear + unbearable presence MUST = Brutal Whitney Cummings death, no? Sigh. No, no it doesn’t. Cummings shows up in the final scene to play a field reporter and survives unscathed (although the same can’t be said for her hair and makeup, something that makes me even more dubious as to Ms. Cummings’ claim to be born the same year as me)

Pet Peeve Of the Day

I hate when characters are dressed for different seasons within one setting. As someone who sleeps with a fan on in all but freezing weather, I completely understand that everybody has their own sense of hot and cold. But is there ever REALLY a situation where one person wears short shorts while another layers up?

Pet Peeve Of the Day Part 2

Look, I get that Grizzly Park’s costume department was clearly granted some generous donation from the Sears Outlet but SERIOUSLY. Speaking as a woman to any male director reading this, I beg you to hear me: Women do not sleep in bras. We wear these things to support our assets when in public. Once we walk into our houses or cabins or tents or bearskin sleeping bags, one of the first things we lose is our Victoria’s Secret, and when it comes to bedtime, most ladies I know would fall asleep inside a grizzly bear’s esophagus before turning in with brassiere intact.

Lessons Learned

Bears can run between 30 and 35 miles per hour

A shiv is not the recommended weapon when facing a grizzly bear

Overly chatty one-off characters are a great way to share some plot-necessary exposition

When you’re safely hiding in a fairly strong storage shed, there is nothing to “go check out.” Just because you’re the dude and the two girls want you to assess your status does not mean you need to listen to them. You’re perfectly secure hiding where you are. Opening up a door just reminds the bear that you are not.

Rent/Bury/Buy

Grizzly Park is one of those “wait, really?” movies that make someone like me exceedingly happy. It’s obviously intended for laughs—any film that ends with a final kill on par with this one CANNOT be taken seriously—but done so oddly that you just can’t help but wonder what Tom Skulls (and yes, I keep writing his name because it’s TOM SKULLS) originally envisioned. Considering some of the triter tripe you could be watching on Netflix Instant, it’s not by any means a dull choice to pass 90 minutes of your life and it’s certainly made with more competence than something like Haunted Boat. It drags dreadfully and packs nothing of a scare, but its sheer oddness makes it more than a recommend for someone who needs a little grizzly bear eating ugly Americans in their life. You know who you are.

All Of Them Busty Witches

2012-01-12T07:45:00.000-05:00

Considering I generally find Netflix’s ‘erotic thrillers’ hilarious (see: Blood Gnome) I couldn’t think of any reason NOT to watch Witch’s Sabbath.

None. At. Atll.

Quick Plot: A coven of witches led by the artificially large chested Auriana (the fairly amazingly named Syn DeVil) run a well-lit strip club to lure its patrons into an after party held at a private mansion. Once there, randy men and their occasionally bored girlfriends get their faces clawed off and souls sent to Satan as their blood spurts all over naked porn stars like...well...you know.

But they get to see boobs! LOTS of them! Real ones, fake ones, ones wrapped in black leather, ones thinly veiled by fishnet, ones awkwardly coddled by unattractive men...

Yup, as I often find myself saying here, I don’t know that I was the target audience for this film.

And yet...and yet...I actually found myself enjoying Witch’s Sabbath, poorly punctuated title be damned. Though it’s about as sexy as a podiatrist’s waiting room, the film has a genuinely fun spirit about itself and far more energetic performances than you’d find in most of the cast’s back catalog (including porn star Lisa Sparxxx, whose credits include the phenomenally titled Ass Good Ass It Gets, MILF Busters, and the fifth entry in the My Hot Wife Is Fucking Blackzilla! franchise). Even Ron Jeremy shows up for a “special appearance” playing a bible salesman who occasionally dips into a southern accent because, you know, that’s what a bible salesman does. Also, his name is Craven Moorehead which...let’s face it, is amusing.

As the witches amass their collection of souls to feed to the land-bound octopus they call Satan, we switch to the sunnier side of town to meet Eliza, a selectively intelligent blond whose boyfriend likes to play wacky non-sex games such as wearing a black ski cap and sneaking outside her window for kicks.

No seriously, it’s not a sex thing.

Eliza and her doofy boyfriend Seth decide to visit his favorite strip club along with his never-been-kissed best friend and a poor soul of a blind date. The foursome get a private invite to--whaddya know--a Halloween party at Auriana’s mansion where body limbs fly, ugly leopard print plastic raincoats get stained, and secrets are revealed.

Also, we see more boobs. But you knew that already.

High Points

It’s no secret that I’m a crazy cat lady in training, so the fact that Witch’s Sabbath took the trouble to actually cast and zoom in on a kitten for the all important line “Travis can’t speak right now. My cat has his tongue!” is well appreciated by me

For a cheaply made nudie-horror, Witch’s Sabbath sure put a lot of energy into its gore, and it shows. Sure, some of the severed heads look straight off a Spencer’s Gifts shelf, but there are some gooily great blood squirtings that shows the filmmakers were far more ambitious than something like, say, Santa Claws

Low Points

I get director Jeff Leroy wasn’t thinking of me, a straight woman, while making this film, but does that HAVE to mean that the men get to watch Playboy knockoff centerfolds and I get...well...Ron Jeremy?

Lessons Learned

You can’t break a cop’s wrist! (except you totally can)

Politely applauding at a strip club is also known as getting out of control

Asking “Who’s there? Please, if there’s someone out there, just go away,” when you suspect a prowler is outside your window will most likely not get the results you’re looking for

Remember, Travis plans on getting laid tonight

The going rate for convincing your friend to accepting a blind date with a socially incompetent creep? One pair of earrings

The Winning Line

“Where you going? Crazy ass witch with titties.”

I wonder so hard how many takes it took for the actor to say this without cracking up. I don’t think I can count that high

Credits Curiosity

The opening credits boast a “special appearance by Ron Jeremy,” prompting me to wonder: is that really so special? Doesn’t that guy show up to the opening of a Subway restaurant or pizza buffet?

Rent/Bury/Buy

For a softcore horror porn, Witch’s Sabbath is surprisingly entertaining. Most of the performances are quite sunny and the gore is as satisfying as any low budget gross-out. I wouldn’t recommend putting any money or energy towards it, but as an Instant Watch, it’s not the worst way to kill 83 minutes when NBC decides to show reruns of its shows one month into the fall season. This is why I try to limit my television watching.

Especially when I could just observe the weirdness of veiny fake boobs.

It's Exactly What You Think It Is (But So Much More)

2012-01-10T07:31:00.000-05:00

On the list of so-bad-it’s-good cinema, 1982’s Pieces often ranks fairly high.

Rightfully so.

Quick Plot: In 1942, a sweater vest-clad boy puts together a nudie jigsaw puzzle to the horror of his mother. When she threatens to burn everything he owns, the kid takes the common route and axes her to death.

Sneeze, flash forward 40 years to the then-present day of extreme 1980sness where a young woman recklessly skateboards into a mirror.

Just go with it.

Later that day, a student innocently studies in a college campus park, only to get attacked by a man with a chainsaw. Even LATER that day, a blond slips a raccoon headed student named Kendall a come-shag-me-in-the-school-pool note, only to also get attacked by a man with a chainsaw. I guess that’s why nobody uses the completely public swimming pool on campus. Even to have sex.

Even this guy.

Because he was sort of in the right spot at the right time, the nerdy--yet inexplicable chick magnet--Kendall becomes an unofficial assistant to the detectives assigned to investigate the case. That’s right, just when I thought police officers couldn’t get more incompetent than The Human Centipede, Pieces introduces genre stalwart Christopher George as a cheery lieutenant who takes a shining to the obnoxious underclassman, utilizing the kid to help craft a criminal profile, hang around on stake outs, and, most hilariously, protect the OTHER undercover officer recently enlisted to fight crime.

See, in the 1980s, there was apparently no such thing as ACTUAL female undercover officers. Instead, the police force would recruit eager tennis champions to um...enter dangerous situations where serial killers are hunting young women? Really? Is this what’s happening onscreen right now?

I asked that question a lot while watching Pieces, which would conventionally be a bad thing for most viewers but for someone like me--and I assume, a good deal of you--is pretty amazing. This is the kind of movie that features not one, but TWO scenes involving ballet aerobics and even more notably, the greatest maybe-rape-attempt scene committed by a friendly kung fu professor ever.

Yes, kung fu professor. Who starts to kick and punch our heroine (remember her? the not actually undercover cop/not cop tennis star) on the street in the middle of the night, seemingly as if to, you know, violate her, but stops when confronted by Kendall--who himself was spending the evening having sex with the world’s worst reporter, who was apparently far too noisy in bed for the classy Kendall to go for round two with. Kendall and his KUNG FU PROFESSOR laugh off the misunderstanding? sexual violation? mugging? And that’s that.

Pieces is an awful movie, but gloriously so. You get the sense that actors didn’t know what they doing, but that the craft service table was so stocked with fresh-baked muffins that the cast gave it their all anyway, even if they had not the slightest idea what ‘it’ was supposed to be.

High Points

Cut and banned at its original time of release, Pieces is a puzzlebox full of fairly impressive practical effects

Low Points

So was the identity of the killer supposed to actually be a secret? I assumed it was just a lazily kept one, and this is easily confirmed by the actual reveal. Instead of a shocking ‘pull the mask off!’ moment, our killer just kind of tells a would-be victim about his past. It’s like the filmmakers reached a point where they got bored with the excitement of keeping a secret, or like little kids just couldn’t contain themselves anymore and ultimately just spilled it out in the most random and uneventful ways possible

Lessons Learned

Undercover policing is strictly volunteer

A pool skimmer is the most important weapon a serial killer can have in his or her arsenal

It’s much easier than you think to hide a chainsaw behind your back, yet much harder to put the breaks on when riding a skateboard

Never confuse a psychiatrist with a doctor of medicine. That’s really offensive and you should know better

Unlike Stepford wives, campus walls bleed when stabbed

The Winning Line (Delivery)

“Don’t tell me I’m the bearer of bad news I could KILL myself.”

No, I didn't forget to insert a period between 'news' and 'I.' The real question is: did the screenwriter, prompting the very literal and untrained actor to follow suit, or was this a choice? Either way, it is awesome.

Rent/Bury/Buy

Well OBVIOUSLY I'm recommending Pieces with the Doll's House blue cheese ribbon. Slasher fans can enjoy the gore, while so-bad-it's-amazing connoisseurs will savor each scene like a plate of nachos washed down with ranch dressing. There’s what I imagine is a glorious two-disc special edition out there in the world, so trash fans who find it cheap won’t regret a buy. And come on ladies, don’t even THINK of passing up a chance to spend 90 minutes with this love machine: